Mixed signals

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2011 11:45 PM GMT
    How do i not send em, i know i am and i dont mean to, i only wanna date for now, but it seems like every time i go out i end up getting sucked n2 a relationship, im just now coming out and comig ta grips w/ my bein gay, so i wanna explore a bit, i have never dated so i dont know what im doing rly, its happening now, im sliding n2 a relationship, an i feel horrible about it, tha guy im kina seein is super nice, couldnt ask for better, good body, great job, but im not ready for it, and hes jus not right 4 me. but even more so than that i dont wanna hurt him, when he texts, i text back, when he calls i answer, ive told him i dont want a relationship, but now if i have a day off i end up over there, or after work, how do i fix this, without bein a dick, (he deserves better than that) ive known him for bout 6-8 weeks, and have said i dont want a relationship, i wanna go out with other ppl but i feel guilty if i do, im not lying to him about it or ne thing, just feel like im stringin him along and dont want to. Also, how do i stop from getting sucked n again? How do i date, go out an meet ppl but only for fun an not get n2 a relationship? How does this work? Some advice would b rly appreciated are there unwritten rules somewhere?
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    May 14, 2011 1:25 AM GMT
    You have to be strong. Make sure every day off or every day after work is not with him. You have been honest with him, but you must back that up with your actions.
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    May 14, 2011 1:34 AM GMT
    Just don't spend as much time with him, but don't ignore him since you must at least consider him a friend if you like spending time with him and vice versa. Just let him know that you don't see him that way and just see you being friends and that's it
  • gymrat1

    Posts: 132

    May 14, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    this prolly won't help.......but your body IS shit hot.
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    May 14, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    It is very hard to do... Just be honest. be up front with everything! I know it is easier said than done.
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    May 14, 2011 2:15 AM GMT
    You just said he's not right for you. I think I would go the other way if you've already realized this.

    You can only give 100%. It honestly looks like you're trying to give 110% by giving him the attention every hour you're not busy. It's not a healthy way to be in a relationship. Is he emotionally dependent?
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    May 14, 2011 6:10 AM GMT
    you could start by abjuring or eschewing narcissism . . . but that would take all the fun out of your life . . .
  • Rami918

    Posts: 53

    May 14, 2011 8:19 AM GMT
    telll him ur going on dates with other guys and that he should do the same
    and when he wants to meet up tell him u can't or ur busy or going out or anything
    Good Luck keep us posted icon_smile.gif
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    May 14, 2011 8:27 AM GMT
    Instead of going over to his place after work, come over to mine. Alright sweet, see you tomorrow.
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    May 14, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    Dude, I mean this in a good way; but guys like you kill me. I mean you’re good-looking, in good shape and lucky enough to have someone who’s clearly interested in you for who you are AND not because your “new meat”, etc., if you enjoy spending time with him (and my guess is you do if your there a lot) then take the time to see where it goes. Dating or being single shouldn’t be like going into a candy store and needing to try every piece! Which sounds like what your wanting to do. Best example is; go to any local gay bar and find the older guy sitting at the bar that is balding, a little out of shape, with a few more wrinkles than in his youth and sitting alone. Just keep in mind; He might be sitting there alone because he let the “the one” slip away because he too wanted to try all the candy in the store when he was the cute, sexy guy with tight abs in his youth. AND now he's alone..
    Take it slow, be completely honest with him, but more importantly be completely honest with yourself as well. Cause NOBODY appreciates having their heart played with; even if it is by a tight ab, cute, sexy guy!
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    May 14, 2011 7:04 PM GMT
    Johnnyhotsauce said... How do i date, go out an meet ppl but only for fun an not get n2 a relationship? How does this work? Some advice would b rly appreciated are there unwritten rules somewhere?



    That's easy. Just start talking about other guys and hookups.
    It's 2011, you are over 30 and just coming out. You are in a "make up" for lost years phase. He will get the message eventually.

    It may also help in the future to remove looking for dating/relationship from your online profiles.
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    May 15, 2011 4:32 AM GMT
    Ya, i do kina feel like a kid n a candy store, hahaha an i do feel like im makin up for lost time, but still goin rly slow bout it, (tryin to) no hes not needy, i jus gotta figure out how ta tell him w/ out bein a dick about it i guess, i jus know hes not right for me, its tha lil things, the personality traits that lets me know he really doesnt get me, like when shit is goin wrong i dont want someone that always looks on tha bright side, but someone that can see the reality and possibly even agree that whatever it is actually does suck. We just arent right for each other, How do u not text back, that seems to b keeping it going, but when he asks a simple question, as they usually are, "did u go to tha gym?" "hows ur day?" etc. How do i not reply? Can u do that? I rly dont wanna blow him off, he deseves better than that.

    N gymrat, ya it does help, thx man : ) means a lot
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    May 15, 2011 7:45 AM GMT
    Sounds like you got what you wanted from him by using all your charm and now you just want to throw him away with all of these excuses of "He's not my time" "He doesn't side with me" and so on. I bet you initiate the first conversation with this dude, right? and now that you got whatever you wanted from him, you're no longer interested in continuing any sort of relationship.

    If he's smart, he'll understand your body language and will analyze whatever text message or communication reply you sent him as a polite way of ignoring him. You don't need to tell him "Go away I don't want to see you again" simple things like short text messages containing certain words is more than enough.

    When you are saying "he's super nice but he's not right for me" that's an excuse you're using to not sound like a total asshole. Deep inside you, you don't want to continue seeing this person. But you don't wanna be blunt and openly say it.

    I understand body language extremely well and I do get the intentions from anyone I interact with. I break every single detail about a person including conversations and I can tell if there will be a second meeting or date or if I was a one chance thing.
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    May 15, 2011 8:24 AM GMT
    get a girl or wingman
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    May 15, 2011 10:17 AM GMT
    As said above, i agree with all views but...

    What abt the possibilities of having him as ur back-up plan????
    If he's nice, good looking, charming and cool why throw him away?? Aren't you attracted to him? I say, u open the issue of seeing other people but u never end things with him, he's a keeper...
  • mako77

    Posts: 1

    May 15, 2011 11:39 AM GMT
    First, u never said if this guy is even interested in having a relationship with u. Maybe it's just fun for him as well. But if he is wanting something more than u r able or willing to give at this point i can give u a few words of advice since i have been in a situation like this for almost 2 years now and it can b very complex. Just b consistent in expressing what UR intentions really r. Also, u should probably have a conversation about what both of ur expectations r and establish what is and is not appropriate behavior. I cannot emphasize how much COMMUNICATION is integral to this situation. If u both r on the same page it can b a mutually very satisfying experience. And one more thing i've found is it never hurts to give positive feedback to the other person.
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    May 15, 2011 12:04 PM GMT
    I have to say I was on the receiving end of something similar to your situation. I met a nice guy who came out really late in life and was only7 years younger than myself.
    The other guy and I always had a great time when ever we hung out and it was nice to text back and fourth.He did state he was not ready for a relationship. However, given the fact he was the one who initiated the text and coming over often, I thought maybe he just said that as a way to play or seem hard to get? Unfortunately, because we got along so well and him texting all the time and coming over often, it was clear he was not dating others, so naturally my feelings started to develop. Then about 4-5 months later, I was hesitant but I finally admitted I have develop strong feelings toward him. I could tell by his body language and facial expression something was not right. To make a long story short, a few days later he said he was confused and did not want to hurt my feelings, and that he didn't know what he wanted.I realized then and there he was a good guy so much so even though he was ambivalent and such, he wanted the best of both worlds have someone and explore the world. As much as this hurt for me to do and painful as it was. I started distancing my self, I started going out meeting my friends, pick up a writing class and such. We are still good friends to this very day.

    I know you mean well. But having being in that situation. maybe you can do the same thing.? Just don't unwittingly lead him along while you figure out what it is that you want to do.

    Hope it works out bud,