An Ex-BF Goes Nuts On Me, Not Sure What To Do, More Stress Than I Can Handle

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    May 14, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    Yesterday started as a lovely day, our best friend getting "hooded" for his doctorate. we attending the commencement in Miami, and afterwards going to his home, where he and his partner hosted a lovely reception for family & friends.

    But last night around 10 I got a phone call from an ex-BF from out of state. He was clearly drunk, as he usually is. Telling me how much he loves me (which he never did when we were together), and hardly letting me get a word in edgewise.

    I told him where we just were, and he knows this other gay couple from a previous trip he made here. He tells me that my own partner just 3 weeks ago told him on the phone that the graduate's partner is the executor of my partner's will, and sole beneficiary of his estate, excluding me. And that's always been the case, since I moved in with him.

    Well, I've got a will in writing that says otherwise, executed over 3 years ago by the former Deputy Mayor of Fort Lauderdale (and my partner has an identical will by me, naming him). Then my ex-BF tells me that he's in regular touch with my partner's sister, who loves him, he claims, at least in a platonic sense. She lives not far from us, and we brought my ex to her house for a brief visit once. My ex says they're the best of friends, and that she likes him better than me.

    During this conversation he's getting more & more incoherent, I presume drinking the whole time, and he finally starts to fail, eventually falling silent. The phone line goes dead after a moment, and he doesn't call back.

    Now I'm not sure what to do. I know he's become seriously alcoholic. I did wait until my partner & I had a late lunch together today, around 2 PM, before mentioning this to him. He says he hasn't been speaking to this guy, who's never had any involvement with our legal arrangements, and my partner doubts his own sister has any contact with him. It's all delusional.

    I do know my ex's family members, and I might be tempted to contact them, to initiate an intervention. But is that the queeny, gay meddlesome side of me? The alternative is to just leave this guy alone, and let him destroy himself, or however this will end.

    I have emotional attachments still, so I'm kinda perplexed how to handle this. And I know more phone calls like this are coming.
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    May 14, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    You may hear nothing more from him. But if I were you I'd be prepared to record your conversation next time. If you don't know how, bone up on your phone/answering machine/voicemail operator's manual so that you can do this.

    Once you have a recording you can initiate the intervention better armed.
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    May 14, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    If you do nothing, you're not "letting him destroy himself" because you have no control over the situation....anymore than I'm "letting Lindsey Lohan destroy herself."

    My ex boyfriend used to get occasional calls from his "drunk ex" and it was the same story. He'd get drunk and he'd call my friend and told how much he loved him, and how everybody else was bad for him, etc. My friend worried about him, but it seems he already tried everything. He finally had to leave him.

    Also, I had a relative who used to call up her elderly parents. She would be under some combination of pills and booze....and accuse them of all sorts things, blame them for ruining her life. One time, she was so drunk that she 'wandered' away from the phone. Parents called the police, and they somehow gained entry. Police took her to the hospital drunk tank for a few days. But she was soon back at it. If the parents ignored her, she would call relatives and rat on the parents in a drunken rage.

    In both cases, everybody around them was just worn out trying everything to get the person to stop. The "drunk ex" actually died last year from some kind alcohol related accident (how many times have you read those words?) The daughter pissed away several hundred thousand of her parents money and now lives in a section 8 apartment. Nobody in the family talks to her...as she tried to frame my Aunt in a crime, in order to get at her money.

    _____________

    My take on this? If he's drunk, don't talk to him. Period. It's like Pavlov and his dogs. Don't talk to the family about an intervention...because if it fails (and most do) the family will be worse off, and will blame you.

    If you're worried that he's a danger to himself, then call the cops and they'll take care of him. If he's a danger to himself often enough, the courts can award a guardianship over his person, and the guardian can have him committed. This takes major bucks, but it is one way to get them off the booze. I think trying to "convince a friend to stop drinking" is a lot like the police trying to stop prostitution.

    I know this sounds cruel, but no person is a match for an addiction. Even a wise and powerful man such as George McGovern lost his daughter to alcoholism. Your friend can only help himself. Sometimes the attention of enablers and concerned friends gives the addict the attention he craves,and makes the problem worse.
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    May 14, 2011 9:33 AM GMT
    Change your phone number and move on.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    May 14, 2011 9:53 AM GMT
    He probably just drunk dialed you. He may not even remember. My ex-boyfriend doesn't remember alot of things he did when he was drunk the night before.
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    May 14, 2011 9:56 AM GMT
    I always get to weigh in on the depressing topics!

    I think it's pretty clear to you that his calls are a desperate call for help and I doubt very seriously that you would just let him go by the wayside.

    I think the complicating factor here is that he is your "ex" and whatever problems he has, he may incorrectly attribute them to the ending of your relationship, which is not a productive direction for anyone.

    Interventions are a nice idea but more often than not they fail. If his family is in a financial position where they can afford a good intervention counselor and transfer to a private rehabilitation facility, then that is good. The reality of many public services is that they are very exclusionary. They can help him with alcoholism but they most likely will not specialize in other drug treatment or psychiatry.

    Do you know where he lives? If you are concerned for his safety, then you should call the police to investigate. I don't recommend going yourself. You don't want to encourage this type of behavior, for your own mental health.

    If you want to help him, the best thing is to emphasize professional support over your support. He's going to prefer the help come directly from you but the best person to help him in this situation is someone who can be more objective, a mental health professional.

    You can find public alcohol and drug treatment centers here : http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/

    Alcoholism often occurs with other mental health problems or is an attempt to self medicate symptoms, so he should also seek psychotherapy after he is stabilized through treatment, if alcoholism is his main problem.

    I wish you the best and be safe!

    Chris
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 14, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]White4DarkerFL said...My take on this? If he's drunk, don't talk to him. Period. It's like Pavlov and his dogs. Don't talk to the family about an intervention...because if it fails (and most do) the family will be worse off, and will blame you... [/quote]



    THIS icon_exclaim.gif


  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    May 14, 2011 3:26 PM GMT
    I don't think it has anything to do with being "queeny", if you still care about him you will take action. If you're still in touch with his family contact them, not in a desperate way, but to discuss how they feel about the situation. Yes, if everything goes wrong you will be blamed. The guy who stands up and states that the king has no clothes will be ridiculed and hanged. You will get no personal benefit from it, so don't expect anyone to ever appreciate it....except maybe your ex.

    I did basically the same thing for a family member when everyone just wanted to ignore it, and yes I was the one they considered the problem. Eventually I got through to the alcoholic and I went with her to her first AA meeting. I am still considered the cause of all the problems to this day from certain family members, but my sister is still alive, thank God, and she now appreciates that I cared enough to help. 18 years sober.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 14, 2011 3:37 PM GMT
    I'm surprised Bob, that you would allow this kind of thing in your life. I've read many threads regarding events with you and your partner, illnesses, efforts and events, such as your recent trip to Key West to enhance your life and happiness.

    You need to adopt a little different approach with the ex partner and any
    emotions need to be out of the mix. Be fair, but be clear... his opinions aren't welcomed in your relationship and certainly something as important as legalities. The point is, you let him interject his views and opinions and
    you shouldn't. Only you and your partner should be privy to your ultimate
    estate wishes, other family members might be an exception... but you need to nip this outside interference in the bud.. so to speak. Your partner should be the most important consideration here. So long as you both communicate and are on the same page, that's the important thing. Eliminate any drama.
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    May 14, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    The solution is simple: DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!
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    May 14, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidYour partner should be the most important consideration here. So long as you both communicate and are on the same page, that's the important thing. Eliminate any drama.

    Agreed, and with many of the thoughtful posts above.

    I did discuss this with my partner the next day (yesterday, Friday) at Rosie's over a late lunch, as I mentioned in the OP. He was already sleeping when the call ended Thursday night, I saw no reason to wake him with panicky gay hysteria.

    Nor the next morning, when we were busy with his medical appointment, and then did some garden shopping. I anticipated we'd eventually sit down for lunch, as we do most Fridays, a better place to calmly discuss this nonsense from my ex from the night before. I really am that patient and controlled. The trick is learning that it's not all about YOU, but also about your partner.

    I think I know what happened here, and so does my partner. Though he figured it out for himself, being a bright boy, while I have been reluctant to admit it to him myself.

    My ex was messing around with other guys towards the end of our relationship. I honestly think a few of them were imaginary, but he proudly told me all about them, since we weren't together any more. Indeed, he told me he could never take me as a partner, partly because I wasn't as rich as him. Really, exactly what he said! And the phrase he used repeatedly was: "I love you, but I'm not in love WITH you."

    Well, OK, I finally figured out this was a dead-end relationship. I moved first to Texas, to stay with a gay friend for a few months. And when that didn't develop, tried Florida, where I've been coming since 1973. Bounced around to different places for a few months, then met my current partner who arranged a private rental for me, very nice place, and we dated. A few months later he proposed we become partners and live together. I accepted.

    But 2 weeks later the ex-BF is calling, saying he realized the mistake he made, and I was the guy he loved all along! Despite what he repeatedly & adamantly told me, that we'd never get together.

    Well, sorry, I made my choice, while you were having your issues. Issues that include still not being out in his community and to his family at 59, drinking heavily, and insisting that he looks 15 years younger than he is, which he doesn't. And badgering me to agree to his unrealistic belief that he's still barely 40, when he's about to turn 60. He grows more delusional by the day.

    I suggested to my partner that he not answer any more phone calls from him. I'm not sure about myself, I hate to be cruel, to someone who was very kind to me. At a time when I needed it, right after my first partner had died, and I had gone into some kind of shock.

    My ex was just coming out, at least partially, and I felt a bond with him, being a late bloomer myself. And I reached out to him, and tried to help him. And he helped me, too, by giving my life some focus and hope. And some wonderful moments, introducing me to social circles I never would have known otherwise.

    But he went nuts, and I'm at a loss what to do. Help him, ignore him, humor him (what I've been doing), I simply don't know. I try to advise others here, but on this one I'm totally clueless. icon_sad.gif
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    May 14, 2011 4:26 PM GMT
    am i not being heard? DONT ANSWER THE PHONE. If you do then you are just welcoming more gay drama.

    Unless of course, that is what you want.
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    May 14, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    Art - if you think you must do something, then write him a letter.

    You know exactly what to say.
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    May 14, 2011 6:14 PM GMT
    aside from the simple "ignore him" approach

    the only alternative i suggest is one i've used:

    "well, ok, you're calling me late and i'm very tired. why don't you call me back tomorrow before either of us start winding down (or if you want to be blunt, before you drink"

    it sometimes works. sometimes people are on an edge and if they realize you both know they have a problem, you can get through to them. but it's the cliche..they have to want it.

    right now, it sounds like he is wallowing and delusion and self pity and you are feeding it. no matter your intentions, you ARE feeding it by giving it attention.

    other people are rage-aholics and my response: "i'll talk to you when you can communicate without raising your voice"

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    May 14, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    *CLICK*
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    May 14, 2011 7:27 PM GMT
    Caliboyswag saidam i not being heard? DONT ANSWER THE PHONE. If you do then you are just welcoming more gay drama.

    Unless of course, that is what you want.

    I tried that, and he calls the house phone, and both our cell phones. And has other mutual friends call me, to ask me if something has happened to me, that I'm not answering him. It's not quite as simple as you would make it.

    Plus he's an ex-lover, a guy who, for all his flaws, was also very good to me for 2 years. I'm sure nobody else would have had me after my breakdown, falling apart after my late partner's death. I shared some wonderful times with this guy, he got me back on my feet, had a lot to do with me being where I am today.

    And I still do like him in some ways. I'd have to totally hate him to refuse his calls, and I don't hate him. Nor can I turn my back on a guy in need. I just don't know what to fucking DO!

    I'm not a moth about to go near that flame again, and I've got a man I'll never leave. I'm cursed with an outdated sense of honor & obligation, but lack any modern tools to respond to this. I really want to phone his sister, whom I know and also like, and ask her for her opinion.

    She knows he's gay, but it's still supposed to be a secret. And she knows what he & I were to each other, but again, words never spoken. Yet I see that as queenly meddling, something I detest. I think this will have to get much worse before I resort to it.

    After we split I really tried to encourage him to find and settle down with a guy, I knew that's what he needed to stabilize him. Only problem is, now he seems to think that guy is ME! Anybody here wanna consider a neurotic, delusional older millionaire in North Dakota, with homes in France, Scotland and Minnesota?
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    May 14, 2011 7:27 PM GMT
    I agree with the "don't answer the phone" I'm assuming you have call display, so why invite trouble in. He isn't your responsibility. If you err and mistakenly pick up the phone have an excuse at the ready.. you're busy and you can't talk now.

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    May 14, 2011 7:29 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidI agree with the "don't answer the phone" I'm assuming you have call display, so why invite trouble in. He isn't your responsibility. If you err and mistakenly pick up the phone have an excuse at the ready.. you're busy and you can't talk now.

    Read my previous. My partner has also picked up his calls by accident before. I'm hoping he'll be extra careful now.
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    May 16, 2011 3:29 AM GMT
    It's several days later and I'm still having flashbacks about this thing. It hit me harder than I guessed, no doubt why I posted about it here. The more I think I know about myself, the more I learn I don't. icon_sad.gif

    I'm mad at him for spoiling a wonderful day, our best friend getting his doctorate that we've looked forward to for months. We've stayed at their New Hampshire home (I posted pics here) and we plan to spend Christmas there with them, too. It was a lovely day, with all our friends attending, and then my stupid ex phones me and spoils it all.

    I'm really angry at him. His timing couldn't have been worse. And I told him we had just gotten back from the reception. That's when he promptly told me our friend's partner was my partner's executor and heir, not me. What the Hell is wrong with him? That's simply not true.

    But the shock of that is still resonating with me. Yah I know, I'm too old for this crap. I don't need gay drama, I don't need ANY drama.

    If he thought he was winning me back, he lost the game with that one. Not that I was up for grabs anyway. I've got a partner, and that's the end of that issue. But I guess he thought the game was still in play. Well, it never was, and with last Thursday's performance by him, I'm not even sure we'll remain friends.

    But damn, it did shock me, and I'm kinda reaching my shock limit these days. I've had a lot in the last few years, and this is one I didn't need. icon_sad.gif
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    May 16, 2011 4:13 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidThe alternative is to just leave this guy alone, and let him destroy himself, or however this will end.
    Sounds similar to my first bf.
    Once we broke up, it was over. I wouldn't answer his calls, and ignored any other communication he tried to initiate.
    Turns out I did the right thing. Last I heard (a few years ago), he's now in jail for life on the 3-strikes-you're-out rule. Alcohol totally ruined his life, and I got out of there just in time.