Straight Spouse Support

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    So I was reading dear abby the other day and I came upon this...

    DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that my husband of 35 years is gay. I never suspected and I am stunned. I have loved him since we met. I still do. I have never been interested in anyone else. We have three children and eight grandchildren who all adore him.

    I learned his secret from an email he left on the computer screen. It took a few days, but I confronted him and he told me everything. He has been with men since before our marriage. He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused me to get a disease. I went for an examination and I'm fine.

    I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 50s. Starting over isn't something I ever considered. I'm seeing a therapist who suggested it might be simpler to consider myself a widow. I have no interest in having sex with my husband again, but being apart from him terrifies me. I feel like I'm in prison. Have you any suggestions? -- HELPLESS IN MIAMI

    DEAR HELPLESS: You are not "in prison" and you're not "helpless." You're probably in shock, knowing your husband deceived you from the time you met him. That's understandable. My advice is to do nothing until you regain some sense of balance.

    Finding that email was no accident. Consciously or unconsciously, your husband wanted you to see it. That you no longer want to have sex with him isn't surprising. Some things to consider: Does he still want to have sex with you? How do you feel about having sex with anyone? Is your husband involved with more than one person or just one? And does he want to stay married?

    Some women (and men) remain married to their bisexual spouse. Others marry people they know are gay. I do not agree with your therapist that you should "consider yourself a widow," unless you want to be married to the living dead.

    Before making any decision about your future, you should contact the Straight Spouse Network. It's a confidential support network of current or former heterosexual spouses or partners of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates. It helps straight spouses or partners cope constructively with the coming-out crisis and assists mixed-orientation couples and their children to build bridges of understanding. The phone number is (201) 825-7763 and the website is www.StraightSpouse.org. I wish you luck on your journey.


    I wondered about how many spouses go through this. It also makes me concerned about my own future. I've thought about marriage and it scares the crap out of me.Its such a tricky subject because while I am nowhere financially ready to consider it, the eventual matter of marriage will be brought with my family... Plus what if I encounter a guy whom I want to spend my life with instead of woman. Or if I do meet with women whom I can see myself with can she handle the fact I'm bi.

    A sham wedding seems insulting, but I know several people who are in one. Whether or not they are happy in the arrangement is anybodies guess.

    I know some RJ members are married or once married. Your insights are helpful on how you've dealt with issues of matrimony.
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    May 14, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    This is a very tricky choice. I remember when I made it. I asked myself, "do I want to get married to fit in with society and lead a life of lies, or do I want to live the single, gay life." I chose the single gay life, because I am gay, not bisexual.

    I'm not saying that my life has not been complicated, but less complicated than being married and bring children into the world. Please see the movie "Maurice." A very beautiful movie and one of Hugh Grant's earlier films.
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    May 14, 2011 6:45 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]vincent7 said[/cite]This is a very tricky choice. I remember when I made it. I asked myself, "do I want to get married to fit in with society and lead a life of lies, or do I want to live the single, gay life." I chose the single gay life, because I am gay, not bisexual.

    I'm not saying that my life has not been complicated, but less complicated than being married and bring children into the world. Please see the movie "Maurice." A very beautiful movie and one of Hugh Grant's earlier films.[/quote

    That's why I feel better to be an Uncle than a to be a father. Love the child without the excess of responsibility of being a father