Can't be "just friends" with me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    With both guys and girls, whenever they tell me they like me & i don't feel the same way but i tell them i would like to stay friends. They get real pissed with me an just stop speaking to me. I mean they were willing to date me but because i didn't want that they wont even be friends? This happens too often with guys & girls who like me. What's the deal icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2011 4:13 AM GMT
    They probably hear that all the time; it gets annoying. lol

    Usually when someone says lets just be friends, it means you're not interested and you really don't want to be friends, you're just being nice. You might as well just say "I don't find you attractive so lets just stop right now."

    It sucks for whomever gets rejected but don't worry about it. What else can you do you know?
  • He_Man

    Posts: 906

    May 16, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    This is something that I just went through. I fell in love with someone recently and felt the burn of his rejection. I was dumbfounded because he wasn't even my "type." He didn't work out, was short, overweight, and had no body hair! He was completely not my type, but I still fell in love with him. It just proves that love is more than skin deep. Well, in the end, he just wanted to "be friends," which was too much for me, so I had to end it because it was too painful to be around someone you adore and have them view you as a mere friend.

    Neil Gaiman says it in a better way than I can, so I let him express why being a mere friend sucks:

    “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you buil...d up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2011 5:01 AM GMT
    Scruff_Hunter saidThis is something that I just went through. I fell in love with someone recently and felt the burn of his rejection. I was dumbfounded because he wasn't even my "type." He didn't work out, was short, overweight, and had no body hair! He was completely not my type, but I still fell in love with him. It just proves that love is more than skin deep. Well, in the end, he just wanted to "be friends," which was too much for me, so I had to end it because it was too painful to be around someone you adore and have them view you as a mere friend.

    Neil Gaiman says it in a better way than I can, so I let him express why being a mere friend sucks:

    “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you buil...d up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”



    awwwww *hug*
    icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2011 7:11 AM GMT
    They hate getting reminded that they're ugly.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    May 16, 2011 7:23 AM GMT
    It seems odd to me that they get "real pissed with" you for telling them you "don't feel the same way" but "would like to stay friends". I could understand disappointment, even devastation if they were really, really into you, but anger?

    In your place, I'd consider why they might be angry. Did I give them reason to think I felt differently?

    And by staying friends with someone who's thinking about being with me all the time and who wants more from me emotionally, am I really concerned about their feelings or am I just enjoying the ego boost?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2011 10:32 AM GMT
    You must suck at being a friend.
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    May 16, 2011 11:19 AM GMT
    Well maybe in the friendship you don't want to lead them on. Being upfront about it ahead of time is usually key. Or let them know your position that your not necessarily looking for anything serious. But if you are sleepin with them, then you are leading them down the wrong path. If not, then like rnyc said, your not that good a friend.
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    May 16, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    I'm thinking that if they can't reconcile the rejection of a relationship and maintain a friendship, then they probably would never have been a very good partner for you. I have maintained friendships with all my former 'boyfriends' and it's always been me pushing for it. They're great guys and I value them but if they said no, then it's their loss.
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    May 16, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    WhatsMyName saidWith both guys and girls, whenever they tell me they like me & i don't feel the same way but i tell them i would like to stay friends. They get real pissed with me an just stop speaking to me. I mean they were willing to date me but because i didn't want that they wont even be friends? This happens too often with guys & girls who like me. What's the deal icon_confused.gif



    This is rather vague, so the answers will not be what you're looking for, I think.

    Did they say they like you romantically and want to date just out of the blue?

    If they get mad and stop speaking with you when you turn them down that's about them, not you...because for them, you were never a friend. They wanted a romantic liaison first, before friendship. This is fine, as it is how some are. Have you never been that way yourself?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2011 3:38 PM GMT
    i agree with meninlove, we need more date

    if

    you were really just being friends, which generally includes things like discussing other romantic prospects....then it makes no sense for them to be mad, because you were really just being friends prior and they tried to see if it could go further

    BUT

    if you were doing the "just friends dance" where you function just like friends, but strangely seem to have no one else on the radar and you may flirt with each other, then it was never really just friends in the truly platonic sense. it was more like "pre-dating" in their mind, and they are mad because you were not on the same page, they may even feel lead on...but that's the nature of the nonverbal dance, too easy to misread things

    infatuation is one thing, but if you love someone in an unselfish way, you want what is best for them (and what is best for you, which is not being with someone who doesn't want you anyway).
  • fitnesshound

    Posts: 36

    May 16, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    Not sure, but I've been on the other end of that equation before and when I feel very attracted to a guy (physically, mentally, emotionally), sometimes it's not possible to translate those feelings into a more limited attraction. It would've opened the door to jealousy and envy and all sorts of negative emotions on my part to stay friends with them and watch them have boyfriends, etc.

    So, maybe look at their rejection as not having to do with you, exactly. Maybe they're saving themselves (and you) drama down the road by just calling it off completely.
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    May 16, 2011 8:06 PM GMT
    I know it's so annoying.. I would think.
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    May 17, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    rnyc saidYou must suck at being a friend.


    But wanting a relationship is alot more than being friends. So if i sucked at being a friend why would they want to get into something alot deeper? icon_confused.gif
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    May 17, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    I have been in that predicament. First of all did it start as a friendship or flirting between both parties? Also for me after he said he liked me as a friend I still liked more than just friends. We would argue n act like we were going out but when it came to certain activities it would strain our friendship. The best thing for us was to just not talk. I still like him but it's better for both of us this way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    Unrequited is the worst kind of love.
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    May 17, 2011 1:53 AM GMT
    some people only become your friend with intentions on getting together. if you look at it from there perspective it is kind of upsetting. But to get mad at you and stop speaking is just immature. just dont take it personally.
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    May 17, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    The friends thing is bull shit; I don't go for it either. If I'm dating someone and they decide they're not interested after-all, that's fine but I wasn't their friend before so why would I be after? I can't divorce myself of romantic interest that easily. And, besides, I have enough friends as it is. I need a man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    Yeah, this happens to me. It's annoying, but I realize I'm better off with a conditional friend
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    Because it hurts when you like someone that doesnt like you back.. so for the object of that affection, its sometimes better not to expect friendship when you dont want to date someone who likes you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    Hmm well I would never get pissed off or rude to someone like that, but when I really like someone and know that I can't have him, I distance myself from them. It hurts like hell being around someone who has your heart, because it makes you like them even more seeing them all the time, and the pain just multiplies.
    It's plain torture IMHO (at least in my case).
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 17, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    WhatsMyName saidWith both guys and girls, whenever they tell me they like me & i don't feel the same way but i tell them i would like to stay friends. They get real pissed with me an just stop speaking to me. I mean they were willing to date me but because i didn't want that they wont even be friends? This happens too often with guys & girls who like me. What's the deal icon_confused.gif



    This is rather vague, so the answers will not be what you're looking for, I think.

    Did they say they like you romantically and want to date just out of the blue?

    If they get mad and stop speaking with you when you turn them down that's about them, not you...because for them, you were never a friend. They wanted a romantic liaison first, before friendship. This is fine, as it is how some are. Have you never been that way yourself?


    once again, meninlove gave some great advice. i have been in situations likes and i agree with meninlove when they stated that if they were upset with you for not wanting to date them then it is on them and not you. i also agree that they never wanted to be your friend. listen, i have had to deal with this type of situation as well. i just say the hell with them and move on. hell at the end of the day, i feel it is there lost