Coming out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2008 7:35 PM GMT
    Anybody have any advice on coming out?
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    Apr 08, 2008 7:40 PM GMT
    i think alot of it depends on your situation. you should look into the plethora of threads started on this subkect too.

    it can situation specific, if your parents are pot smoking hippies, they'll probably have a guy lined up for you. if they're devout catholic priests, well another story.

    is there anyone you know that will for sure be cool about it? choose one or two of them to tell first cuz it'll be helpful to know someone is there to back you up. i slowly told my close group of friends, and then my sister who helped me to tell my folks. at school for me is a harder situation, but i've given up on hiding anythign and ifpeople ask me about it i don't deny it , though no one does. only question i get is if i have a girlfriend and i just say "i don't do the girlfriend thing". if they choose to ask into it further they're free too... but this too me a long time to lead up to.
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    Apr 08, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    It is hard to give good advice to you unless we know more about your situation in terms of family dynamics, financial situation (do you live at home for example), culture, etc..

    I came out by writing a letter to each of my family members when I was 29. I come from a very emotionally repressed WASP family. I did not think it was a good idea to tell them in person, just in case people said things they later regretted. When WASPs lose their tempers it can be very ugly!

    One piece of advice I have heard over and over again is don't come out during a big holiday celebration (e.g. Thanksgiving and Christmas). People are under a lot of stress during that time and do not need to have an emotionally charged situation like coming out to be added to the mix (unless they already knew for some reason).

    Good luck.
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    Apr 08, 2008 7:42 PM GMT
    Wysiwyg60 said

    One piece of advice I have heard over and over again is don't come out during a big holiday celebration (e.g. Thanksgiving and Christmas).


    that's a really good point. the "Turkey dump" is for dropping girl/boyfriends. not all emotional baggage.

    i told my folks over a dinner when i was visiting them for the weekend. just a non specific weekend where the entire family was around.
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    Apr 08, 2008 8:01 PM GMT
    I really wasn't planning on coming out to my family until after college. My dad is very religious and my mom has had very bad experiences with gay people.

    I just worried about coming out to my friends. Most of my friends come from the boarding school i went to for highschool, and i really feel that the fact that i lived with these people, makes coming out to them alot harder. If i had been mature i would have came out at the start of highschool.

    I really just don't want things to change between me and my friends, even though i know that thats probably impossible.

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    Apr 08, 2008 8:12 PM GMT
    that's pretty much how i've felt, and i've had a few drunken breakdowns to my friends about it. and even the ones who've said they don't think they'd ever be friends with a gay guy have come around. they should like you for who you are and no who you like. some people say "if they aren't cool with it they aren't your friend"... i'm on the fence about that one. because they are your friends right now and it's gonna suck if any of them drop you. but whatever the outcome, it's inevitable.

    here're are 2 really REALLY basic options based on a one friend at a time situation

    1) you come out now
    - your friend says "so what"
    - your friend sayd "so long"

    2) you come out in 4 years
    - your friend says "so what"
    - your friend says "so long"

    it's a tough decision. i regret not being out sooner. though none of my friendships have changed, i wish i couldve been cool about myself for the last 4 years at college and not been pre-occupied with just plain old fitting in.
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    Apr 08, 2008 11:01 PM GMT
    carthesis saidAnybody have any advice on coming out?


    Well, all I can say is that for the year after your coming-out party you will be the belle of all the cotillions. You are expected to make an eligible marriage at the end of the year, though, so your younger sisters can each be debutantes in their turn.
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    Apr 08, 2008 11:12 PM GMT
    Having only partially come out (to a few close friends) I'll tell you my experience. You might lose a friend or two. I lost one. But only one.

    And four years after the fact I've come to realize I have some other old friends who know me for who I am without any secrets. Our friendships have gotten better and closer. The new friends I've made I've been out to from the beginning and it's a complete non-issue.

    The one friend I lost, yeah I miss him. But I realize now that if he's not the kind of person who can accept me for who I truly am, I can't accept someone who can't accept that. But life goes on.

    For me, I feel the quality of my friends has improved and that makes up for losing one narrow minded friend.
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    Apr 08, 2008 11:49 PM GMT
    I dont think there is any advice in regards to comming out but to let the time take its course. Soon you will be telling everyone. If you are already thinking on how to come out then the time has started icon_biggrin.gif.

    I remember seeing young guys who were out and always admiring them for being out with no worries. I was surprised on how well my parents took it and all my friends accepted me. The only thing I regret is, that I did not come out earlier in my teenage years.

    Take care and welcome icon_biggrin.gif
  • swimbikerun

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    Apr 08, 2008 11:51 PM GMT
    carthesis saidAnybody have any advice on coming out?


    If you're still at home, it might be best to wait until you're on your own.
    From your previous post and your age, you might want to keep a low profile for now.
    Of course, if anyone you know runs across this posting...
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    Apr 08, 2008 11:58 PM GMT
    swimbikerun said[quote][cite]carthesis said[/cite]Anybody have any advice on coming out?


    What's your situation? If you're still at home, it might be best to wait until you're on your own.
    Of course, if anyone you know runs across this posting...[/quote]

    I agree, as soon as I came out to my sister, I moved out of my house.
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    Apr 09, 2008 12:40 AM GMT
    no i got an apartment and am at college. I wouldn't come out to my parents till after college.
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    Apr 09, 2008 12:47 AM GMT
    Give yourself the credit - consider you may have surrounded yourself with intelligent, caring, tolerant, accepting, and loving friends who will see your sexuality as only a slice of the carthesis pie - and not your only defining factor.

    You're still you ... you've lived with these people - they know you well - there's just one part that they don't know yet.

    That's how it's happened for me .. I haven't lost a single friend (yet, I acknowledge that it could in fact still happen).

    It DOES get easier.
  • swimbikerun

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    Apr 09, 2008 12:48 AM GMT
    carthesis saidno i got an apartment and am at college. I wouldn't come out to my parents till after college.


    Are they paying for your tuition? If you tell a friend you're gay, he or she might get mad and tell your folks.

    My best friend and I messed around a bit in high school. I came out to him a few years later saying:

    "I'm gay."

    His reply:

    "No you're not."

    Don't expect anyone you tell to be the least bit rational.
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    Apr 09, 2008 2:27 AM GMT
    Well, carthesis, at least you're single, and not 52 years old. That makes it a lot easier, believe me.

    Having waited until I was 52, I missed the best years of my life, and countless wonderful experiences (but, the upside was that I have kids and grandkids).

    Gotta figure it out yourself, like the rest of us, but kiddo, we're here for you, if you need to talk. We'll support you and comfort you, if you need it.
  • redheaded_dud...

    Posts: 408

    Apr 09, 2008 2:43 AM GMT
    Best advice I had was this: "Coming out is a process, not an event." Be comfortable with yourself. I agree with COjock, give yourself credit: You've probably picked good people to be your friends, and they're likely to show you just how good they are when you decide to tell them.

    I'll also say this (at the risk of sounding like a REALLY old guy): I wish there was a forum like this one--or even the internet!--when I was coming out. I'd hate to have to admit where I met my first gay "friends". icon_eek.gif So don't be afraid to come back to this forum and bounce ideas off us. For the most part, this is an incredibly supportive, non-threatening group of guys.
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    Apr 09, 2008 2:57 AM GMT
    redheaded_dude said
    So don't be afraid to come back to this forum and bounce ideas off us. For the most part, this is an incredibly supportive, non-threatening group of guys.



    he's got it right. this site helped me out a bunch. talk to folks on here and find out their stories. the guys on here can be super helpful and supportive. but remeber, you are NOT mentally challenged.
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    Apr 09, 2008 7:50 AM GMT
    April 17.... for me.... *drum roll*
  • cg220

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    Apr 09, 2008 7:59 AM GMT
    Buddy, my only advice is do it sooner than later... believe me it only gets harder as time goes by. Get it over with and start to enjoy your life! I wish I would have taken my own advice!
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    Apr 09, 2008 8:11 AM GMT
    Above all things be comfortable with yourself. Other than that do it at your own pace. Not to diminish it, but I think most guys make a bigger deal out of it than it really is. If you need, I am sure there are coming out groups you could look into also.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 09, 2008 11:13 AM GMT
    My advice...

    Say "I'm gay" out loud
    ...I don't mean to make it sound so stupidly simple but once it's done your part is over
    the sooner you do it the the less you'll have to explain the dumb ass lies you had to make up to cover up the fact you're gay
    ...will everybody be onboard?
    No...but that's not you're problem...it's theirs
    Is coming out going to solve all the problems you have right now?
    Hell no but it will simplify you give a real meaning to your life
    Best advise do it as soon as possible
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    Apr 09, 2008 11:59 AM GMT
    More importantly, you have to be okay with it before everyone else does. I and other friends have had similar experiences in that the biggest hurdle to jump was the internal struggle, to admit to ourselves truthfully that, "Yeah, I'm gay." Took me a while to admit it to myself and accept it and embrace it. After that, for me anyway, the rest of the process was easy.

    That doesn't mean that the process has a definitive ending.
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    Apr 10, 2008 4:34 AM GMT
    thanks, i just came out to my friends. I really can't believe it.

    I have their reaction of audio, and its pretty hilarious.
    they were really cool about it. I mean i know its not over. Some of the harder ones still i have to let know.

    They were really just upset that i thought tom brady was good looking.
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    Apr 10, 2008 4:59 AM GMT
    I didn't want to read what everyone about this posting had said cause I wanted to give you an unbiased view from my side.

    When I decided to come out, I was finally in such a good place and so secure with it that it just wasn't a big deal. Some in my family tried to make it a big deal, but I was SO at peace with it and knew that I wasn't a mistake, that I am exactlly the person that I was created to be, that NOTHING they said could sway that.

    I wasn't ashamed, I'm still not ashamed. I know that I have always been gay. Period!!! I remember my first crush at 8 years old. It was on a man. I knew that an 8 yo boy cannot make that kind of "choice". It is who I am. I refuse to apologize for being exactlly the amazing man that I am.

    So buddy... I told everyone with pride. Those who have or had a problem with it, didn't ever really know me. Or chose to look away from it all. The way that I see is that if a parent tries to make you be less than the perfect person you are, it's their issue... NOT YOURS!

    I understand that it isn't this easy for everyone. Hell, I was raised Mormon. My family wasn't happy with it, but I didn't care. I'm a man not a child and I'm not looking for permission. Additionally, I didn't cut anyone out OR judge them for their beliefs. But at no point have I allowed myself to be someones punching bag. Nor do I hate those that don't accept it. It's just their issue, not mine.

    Be proud, don't be scared, apologetic, or obnoxious about it all. Just be you! And teach those around you with love.
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    Apr 10, 2008 5:28 AM GMT
    I would have to say I agree with what everyone else has said. Coming out really is a process. I'm not out to my parents, strict mormon family, but I will eventually when I'm in a place where I'm comfortable and secure enough with myself to tell them. I'd almost told them before, but in the end decided it wasn't the right time for me. You being away from home makes it easier to decide when. Living with your parents can put a lot of pressure on the situation. As far as friends, they may know already, or they might not. Either way they might suprise you with how supportive they may be.