Should I let my boyfriend bring some girl as a date to his brother's wedding?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    My boyfriend (26yo) is out to his older brother (30), but not to the rest of his family (or any of his friends, for that matter). He went to a wedding a couple weeks ago and said it felt really awkward being virtually the only one there without a date. I (23) felt bad for him, and now I'm thinking about telling him that I wouldn't care if he brought a female date to his brother's wedding.

    The one thing I'll ask is that he come out to her (she'll obviously have to be a close friend) so that she knows she's only going as a friend....for free food and whatnot lol

    So is this a good idea, or will my boyfriend lose respect for me? I just don't want him to be uncomfortable on his only brother's big day...

    I'm also not out to my family, so I can understand what its like to have to keep your relationship's existence a secret. Its sucks though. I'm planning on coming out to my folks by the end of this year, hopefully by the end of this summer.
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    May 19, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    Why not offer yourself as a date first? He'll probably say no, then maybe suggest bringing a girl? It wouldn't really be fair of him to come out to his family at his brother's wedding, because that's his brother's day, but it's not really helping matters if he brings a girl along. The longer he pretends to be straight by bringing girls around the family, the harder it's going to be for him to come out of the closet if he ever decides to do so. If his brother knows he's gay, wouldn't it be a little strange seeing your boyfriend bring a girl to his wedding?

    Personally, I'd go alone if I were in your bf's shoes. I've gone to plenty of weddings without a date, and had a lot of fun.
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    May 19, 2011 4:13 AM GMT
    You said, " I (23) felt bad for him, and now I'm thinking about telling him that I wouldn't care if he brought a female date to his brother's wedding."

    Then do it, with no conditions. It's a gift you're giving, part of the circular love you share. Don't ask that he come out to anyone.

    -Doug

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    May 19, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    Well, the only reason I'd like for him to come out to her is so that she knows exactly what is going on...so that she doesn't try to pull a move or expect more dates, a relationship, etc.

    I'm not trying to boast, but girl's tend to go CRAZY for my guy cause

    a) He's very good looking
    b) He's charismatic and confident
    c) He's a total gentleman
    d) He's got a great career.

    AND, he's "single" (or so he tells people)

    ...makes their nasty pussies OOZE lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 6:20 AM GMT
    I think finding a beard for your boyfriend is a bad idea. I can't see any way that getting someone to come between you and your boyfriend is a good idea. Creating elaborate lies and recruiting someone to help with these lies could be a big mistake.

    If the wedding is in town, can't the boyfriend make his appearance at the wedding (without a date) and then meet up with you for a date after he's put in his time at the wedding? Even if the wedding is out of town, this could be fun.
    It's his brother's wedding. He can keep himself busy visiting with family and friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    I don't think you should start any lies in your relationship...
  • Crazy4DC

    Posts: 1

    May 19, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    I agree that using a beard would not be a good idea as it will just confuse the issue when and if your boyfriend decides to open up the closet doors and walk proudly through. Offer to go with him and if he declines then perhaps you could meet up afterwards. If it's an out of town wedding you could go with him and find the nearest gay bar to hang out in until he breaks away from the festivities. Then the two of you can have a romantic night on the town and some fun between the sheets when you return to your hotel room. Best of luck!
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    May 19, 2011 6:56 AM GMT
    should you let??? You don't own him. You're relationship won't last.icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 11:43 AM GMT
    it sounds like a movie plot tho...a romantic comedy.

    if you're open to the idea of it, you wouldn't object. so i vote say nothing and let him do whatever he likes and suggests on his own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 11:48 AM GMT
    I think you, your boyfriend, and his girl friend should go together.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 19, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    Ask him if he ever considered the awkwardness of all the questions he's going to get about his perceived girlfriend that he won't know how to answer, and the ensuing increased expectations of dating the same woman and eventual marriage to a woman.


    He's better off going alone if that is the only other option. The truth is, loneliness is not derived by not having someone physically with you. There is a connection that we all long for and he's not going to have that with a woman.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 19, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    I'm kind of divided on this one. I understand your approach with wanting your bf comfortable at his brother's wedding and it's awesome you don't really have a big problem with the concept.

    But I think it creates a false picture for anybody who doesn't know about him. I'm sure he'll get questions about the girl and whether she is his new girlfriend. It doesn't do anything about being honest, if anything he is
    kind of promoting a false front. I also don't think it is very respectful of you. If it were me, I'd go alone.
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    May 19, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    Let him go alone.

    Eventually he is coming out to his parents you know?
    And bringing a women date to brothers wedding.
    Ahh, I dont know.
    He´ll survive without a date. He´ll come home to you.icon_wink.gif
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 19, 2011 12:23 PM GMT
    Do you live together? If so, did the invitation come to you both? Or has the invitation come at all, yet?

    This is, in part, the Bride and Groom's decision. This is about the comfort of their guests, and about the relationship between two brothers.

    This is, however, largely about your BF's choice of being whole in the face of a very un-whole social and family event.

    When your BF says "I felt really awkward being the only one there without a date", he's begging an entirely different question than you're hearing. He wants to have a date - a REAL date, not a fake date. If he needed a beard at his brother's wedding, then it's up to him to express that, not up to you to 'let him off the hook.' This is HIS problem to solve, yours to support him in, but his to manage as a grown man struggling with the relationship he has to his family and the rest of the world. And he needs to decide - in the face of a tradition that excludes him at the moment, symbolically - whether he stays true to himself or continues subterfuge and a lie.

    I disagree that giving him permission would be a gift to him. It's not. It's enabling. YOU deserve to be his date, and HE deserves to have you there. The FAMILY deserves to be whole and open and honest. It's unlikely, but it's not entirely out of the question.

    He shouldn't use the occasion to 'come out', that would be unfair to the Bride and Groom, and make the event about him, not them. But in advance of this moment, with grace and dignity, he has a chance to have the support of his brother and his future sister-in-law in determining how everybody else accepts him. If they do, then know that your presence there will be scrutinized to some degree, and require you to represent in a rather extraordinary way. To be a model. But it will also be something very, very important and memorable to your BF - a first, as a complete man without secrets of lies, with his family, HIS family including choosing you as his brother chose his bride.

    Start not by offering, but by asking "Do you want to take a date to your brother's wedding? And if so, who would it be?" Then let him answer. If he wants to take a beard, let him ask. If you're comfortable with him taking a beard, it's perfectly acceptable to require that he be clear to his beard that he's gay, and that YOU are his BF, and this is a social invitation for his comfort and convenience only. Consider it not your gift to him, but your wedding present to his brother - because frankly, it's rather a high price (or so I think.)

    This is about supporting his growth, not parenting him through something that only perpetuates falsehoods. It's not healthy otherwise. Don't hand him an out to stay 'in', hand him an opportunity to come out, and then respect his choice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 12:34 PM GMT
    Living a lie is never healthy. I know. I speak from experience. If you are living on your own, paying your own way through life then live honestly and openly. You not only help yourself but others who need to understand that gay people are as normal, healthy, and as well adjusted as straight people.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    May 19, 2011 12:49 PM GMT
    I think you need to hear from your boyfriend. He may not be as conflicted about this.

    You are generous to think of him taking a girl as a date to lean on for the event, but maybe he would just as soon go alone.

    He could ask a cousin or family friend to go with him and explain that he would just feel better having someone to talk with rather than be alone. This could even be a really nice offer to make to a slightly older aunt who would be alone otherwise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    No beard but get a job at the wedding as a waiter or bartender and blow him in the bathroom icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    This is a simple, non-complicated question. Don't let insecurity or "what if" weigh into this at all because you already knew he wasn't 100% out.

    This is just about him having someone to talk to at the wedding because I agree, they are a little uncomfortable when you don't know others there. Straight people bring random dates to weddings all the time and even hire escorts. I have always gone with female friends that I had not been dating at the time although weddings make female dates want to be more with you (avoid alcohol icon_exclaim.gif )

    Think of this as a step towards your evolving discussion on him coming out to the other members of the family. We all have flaws.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 19, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    Brownale said

    This is just about him having someone to talk to at the wedding because I agree, they are a little uncomfortable when you don't know others there.



    I would agree with this except this is his brother's wedding, I'm sure he'll know a number of people there...I would assume there will be long time family friends and family present. It's more about appeareance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    Brownale said

    This is just about him having someone to talk to at the wedding because I agree, they are a little uncomfortable when you don't know others there.



    I would agree with this except this is his brother's wedding, I'm sure he'll know a number of people there...I would assume there will be long time family friends and family present. It's more about appeareance.


    Well this poses an interesting question. His older bro knows he's gay, but no one else does. Is it the same bro who is getting married? Even if it is, the guy our hero is dating isn't out. Coming out to everyone at someone else's wedding isn't something I'd be inclined to do.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 3:03 PM GMT
    gaydocintraining said
    a) He's very good looking
    b) He's charismatic and confident
    c) He's a total gentleman
    d) He's got a great career.


    Pfft- Like I'm going to believe that- you're not even verified.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    So you like to being crutch and an enabler? As long as you are cool with it then fine but your BF can't keep dodging the bullet forever. The brother already knows so he might as well finish off by telling the rest of the family.

    Granted I do understand the severity of this situation as it is someone's wedding which is by far one of the most important days in a couples life and to have it upstaged by a "coming out" scene is not cool so I guess keeping it a secret would be the better thing to do as a sign of respect for the bride and groom. Personally, I think he should go alone or show up with you, the BF, instead of masking his sexuality and giving false advertisement by having a female date. Doing something like that only strengthens the lie and makes it much harder for him to come out in my own opinion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    It would be great if he could invite you as his date to the wedding, that is, without hangups or rolled eyes from his other family members.

    Is the groom reasonably supportive of your bf? If so, coupled with a strong personality, who knows, he might be a good advocate for the two of you in front of his family.

    I know I would like my brother (if I have one) to bring the date he wants if I am getting married.

    It would be quite ironic and sad if he has to conceal his love and commitment to another person on the same day that I celebrate my own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    You're both in the closet? Well he might as well take a girl, since your whole relationship is a lie to begin with.
    It won't last until y'all grow the balls to stand up for yourselves.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 20, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    Brownale saidThis is a simple, non-complicated question. Don't let insecurity or "what if" weigh into this at all because you already knew he wasn't 100% out.

    This is just about him having someone to talk to at the wedding because I agree, they are a little uncomfortable when you don't know others there. Straight people bring random dates to weddings all the time and even hire escorts. I have always gone with female friends that I had not been dating at the time although weddings make female dates want to be more with you (avoid alcohol icon_exclaim.gif )

    Think of this as a step towards your evolving discussion on him coming out to the other members of the family. We all have flaws.



    agree!