Disgusted and can't trust anyone anymore...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2008 5:50 AM GMT
    So I never had a boyfriend in the past, never had sex.

    Last year in january i started to talk more with a gay guy that I knew a bit before, we talked a lot, he was already in a relationship, but we were really great friends, talking about everything, I would give him support when things were not going too well in his life etc.

    A few months later he admitted to have feelings for me, but he was still with his boyfriend... so at the time I told him to be really sure what he wanted, that I did not want to be involved in this for the time being since he was with his boyfriend. So the following months we kept talking as friends....

    A few months later he and his boyfriend took a break, he said they were no longer together, and started to tell me he wanted something more out of our relationship...

    A bit later we had sex... that was the first time I had sex... but then not too long after he told me he felt guilty, and wanted to be back with his boyfriend. Yes you can call me naive and stupid.

    Ok, it was rough times, but I got over it, I do not want to do anything with him anymore, and after he did that, he is not the kind of guy I would want to hang out with.

    However, I am totally disgusted at myself, at my life, at my sexuality and at the future. You see, i wanted the first time to be with someone I trusted, someone I could have a relationship with... I pretty much thought it was the case with him, and now my "first time" was a failure and this time will never come back again. Also he was one the friends I trusted the most in my life, I felt cheated, like a tool, and I can hardly trust anyone anymore.

    I have seen guys I could talk to and at least be friends with but I just can't get myself to it because, again, I can't trust no one.

    As for my sexuality, well I have no sex drive now. I am afraid to death that my performance was bad that time, and I am afraid that i will be "bad" again in the future...

    And needless to say, my self confidence took a major drop, I feel ugly etc...

    All these thoughts and feelings take a huge part of my life now, I hardly do anything I enjoy without thinking about it.

    I am not sure why I am posting this, just asking for thoughts I guess...

    Thanks

    -Chris
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 09, 2008 7:11 AM GMT
    Chris,

    First let me say I'm sorry you got involved with someone who clearly didn't have any respect for you or for his boyfriend or relationship.

    I think it is an error for you to beat up on yourself for what happened. Don't feel dumb, stupid or berate yourself. Understand what happened, and don't make the mistake again! Thats all.. there are many men out there that would take the time to be your friend (and if in a relationship, understand the importance of being honest with all involved). Men who will value you and treat you with respect.

    We all make mistakes. Yours was trusting someone and reacting to his situation. In the future, communicate, try and approach it critically and most of all...use this experience and know what can happen.

    The first guy I ever kissed did it for his own pleasure, didn't care the least about my feelings and I was a bit (well a lot actually) put off based on what he did... but again, understand, it was one person.. take the lesson, learn from it and move forward in your life. Don't continue to punish yourself!

    I'm a Chris too, we Chris's have to hang together...LOL
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    Apr 09, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    Hey Chris,

    I think the advice offered to you just now by my friend Chris - above me here - is so exactly what I would have said - but perhaps I would not have been able to say it quite so elequently. The only advice I can add Chris, is to simply re-read this advice above - and just smile, breathe, and turn the page. Face the world with a new, happy outlook. You're going to have a lot of great times with brand new guys you can't possibly imagine on your horizon. Just be anxiously happy as each new day / week / month opens up for you!

    Best of everything to you!

    Gregg
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    Apr 09, 2008 1:46 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidChris,

    First let me say I'm sorry you got involved with someone who clearly didn't have any respect for you or for his boyfriend or relationship.

    I think it is an error for you to beat up on yourself for what happened. Don't feel dumb, stupid or berate yourself. Understand what happened, and don't make the mistake again! Thats all.. there are many men out there that would take the time to be your friend (and if in a relationship, understand the importance of being honest with all involved). Men who will value you and treat you with respect.

    We all make mistakes. Yours was trusting someone and reacting to his situation. In the future, communicate, try and approach it critically and most of all...use this experience and know what can happen.

    The first guy I ever kissed did it for his own pleasure, didn't care the least about my feelings and I was a bit (well a lot actually) put off based on what he did... but again, understand, it was one person.. take the lesson, learn from it and move forward in your life. Don't continue to punish yourself!

    I'm a Chris too, we Chris's have to hang together...LOL


    You see, you said "understand what happened, and don't make that mistake again!"... Trust me, I really, really tried to avoid what happened, a lot of times when he was with his bf he would tell me sweet things, things that could be "suggestive" (and no that was just not my interpretation of thigns)... and I would act like if I didn't totally understand what he said, or I would talk about another subject ... Before we had sex I made sure once again he was no longer with his boyfriend...

    In the future, I am not sure how I could avoid a similar situation from happening again, because that is the thing that I tried to avoid the most, and despite everything I did it did happen...

    I should also add that he knew it was my first time, and he knew I did not want it to be just a "one night thing"...
  • Muunrakur

    Posts: 169

    Apr 09, 2008 2:59 PM GMT
    I read and re-read what you've said and I'm going to suggest we look at this from the other side, if for no reason other than to see if maybe things turned out the way they did for reasons that have no bearing on your looks and performance.

    He's got a boyfriend.
    You're friends.
    He really, really likes you.
    He likes you so much that he's beginning to question whether he's with the right guy.
    Perhaps after a lot of introspection, he says to himself "either I see how this goes or spend the rest of my life wishing I'd taken the chance"
    So he and his man take a break and he comes to you.
    While you're together, he starts missing the familiar things he had in his relationship, maybe even gets jealous of what the former-bf is doing now that they're taking this break or just feels selfish because he had a good thing and walked away from it like an ass.
    More sleepless nights as he tries to figure out what to do.
    Finally he decides that he didn't appreciate the relationship he had and there's too much history there to just walk away.
    He goes back.

    From what you've written, its entirely possible that this is what he was going through (or not, but its just as plausible as the meaner things we all tend to assume when this happens). Maybe he didn't "use" you, but wanted to take a chance on a new relationship and it simply didn't work for him. I don't expect that it had anything to do with your performance. If that was the case, he'd probably just stay in this "break" and sleep with other guys.

    And you're obviously attractive enough, both inside and out, for him to risk losing his relationship to be with you.

    I guess the main point here is, don't beat yourself up over any of this. This is life. This happens. You may end up in a situation like this again only you could be the other guy, or even the boyfriend!

    Anyhow, just my two-cents. And if its any consolation, I felt just like you did and kept my virginity until my mid-20's, only to lose it to a douchebag. My regret quickly turned to "wow, I've missed so much sex by waiting for this loser!"

    Keep your chin up,

    S
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2008 3:12 PM GMT
    Oh buck up and drive on! The world aint perfect. I have good news for you, "You'll Live".