I'm torn after breaking-up with a guy

  • Jimmy201001

    Posts: 40

    May 20, 2011 7:17 AM GMT
    A guy I had been seeing for about six weeks suddenly came to my place and told me that we could no longer be together. I really liked him (in fact I think I love him) and I care for him so much it makes me cry. He was so sorry for having to break the news, saying that I was 'amazing' and that I deserved better and someone who could give me what I truly need. I said he was the only man I wanted. There is literally no one else out there that I could possibly be interested in now. All I want is to be with him. That's the only thing that would cure me of this insufferable nausea and emotional wreckage that I am having to contend with right now.

    We start seeing eachother with the intention of keeping our freedom not to have any 'commitment'. It was a very casual thing and we even agreed that we could see other guys at first (although we later agreed that we would be monogamous). We then spent many nights together, as well as going out clubbing and introducing new friends and doing all the romantic stuff like dating, the cinema etc...

    He said we were in 'completely different places' and that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, saying the last six months were the only months of his adult life that had finally found happiness. He's 26, I'm 23 so I'm sure the 'age gap' wasn't an issue. He said I had the looks, the charm and the personality to find any man I want and that he would not be actively seeking anyone other men in his life in the short term.
    But he clearly said we were 'not compatible'. What does that mean? Not compatible because he's a few years older, so is a little ahead in his career and probably earns a few thousand more a year? Or that he thinks that since I'm new to this city (London) and he's been here for four years, that we are in 'completely different places'? I just don't understand.
    Everyone I have told thinks there is something seriously wrong with him.

    After telling me the awful news, which involved me sobbing away, causing him to cry as well and apologise while he was in my arms on the bed, he then asked me if he wanted to have sex with me for the last time.
    He said I still turned him on and I ended up going through with it.

    When texting him a couple of days later I said 'I'm so alone right now', to which he replied that I would soon be finding lots of new guys in the next few days. That completely misses the point, which is that being single and having random one-night stands is (for me) the mostly lonely sort of existence I can think of right now, having spend such quality time with him.

    He also said that if he would change his mind in the future, that he would understand if I said I didn't want to be with him. I told him I couldn't figure out how I would ever be able to find anyone to replace him.

    I still have an intense urge to be with him, to be a close friend of him. I want to hug him and be affectionate with him even though he has broken my heart. I can't bear to be away from him. I am physically ill.

    I just don't know what to do. I cry all the time, cannot focus on work and am completely depressed.

    It's my birthday tomorrow (when I will be officially 23) and I will not be celebrating. Instead I will be in my room crying and sulking to depressing music. That is all I can do now. I've even had to tell friends from other parts of the country to come and see me another time, as I was supposed to be having a party.
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    May 20, 2011 7:30 AM GMT
    Well, firstly, happy birthday for when you turn 23 tomorrow.
    Secondly, I think the issue is your transition from an open relationship to a monogamous one.

    Since you guys both started with an open relationship (Where seeing other men was okay for both of you) to a monogamous relationship (where you cannot do so), the "I don't think we are compatible" was probably was meant for this.

    He may have found out that he does not want to have a monogamous relationship in the end, but found that you absolutely loved it, so he didn't want to hurt your heart further down the road if he cheated on you. He probably enjoyed an open relationship more than a monogamous one while you enjoyed a monogamous one rather than an open one. He may have sensed that. Therefore, in his eyes, it would be better to cut it off now than later.

    Also, it is a personal question, but... after sex, how did you feel? Did you feel attached? Did you feel he was attached?
    Who was more intimate? You? him? both?
  • Jimmy201001

    Posts: 40

    May 20, 2011 7:37 AM GMT
    We decided to be monogamous just two weeks after having met one another. I only kissed a guy during that time (at the very beginning) but then that was it.

    The last time we had sex, I still felt very attached to him. He clearly enjoyed it very much and we both kissed as if we were in love with eachother (I wasn't having to make any effort).
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    May 20, 2011 7:44 AM GMT
    Jimmy201001 saidWe decided to be monogamous just two weeks after having met one another. I only kissed a guy during that time (at the very beginning) but then that was it.

    The last time we had sex, I still felt very attached to him. He clearly enjoyed it very much and we both kissed as if we were in love with eachother (I wasn't having to make any effort).


    BAM!... that's the problem.

    If after 2 weeks, you feel you are ready for a monogamous relationship, then after 2 weeks, you can break it up.

    Things that last take a while to build.

    Example:
    I date for 3 months then will decide with my date about our future... three months more (6 months in) and sex will take place.

    you met him and then 2 weeks after decide to be monogamous and then have sex.

    pretty fast paced if you ask me. Nothing wrong with it... just pointing out what could be the problem.
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    May 20, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    Every birthday is important, celebrate it despite this. As for him just don't let it get to you be proud you know what you want
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    May 20, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    Jimmy201001 saidA guy I had been seeing for about six weeks suddenly came to my place and told me that we could no longer be together. I really liked him (in fact I think I love him) and I care for him so much it makes me cry. He was so sorry for having to break the news, saying that I was 'amazing' and that I deserved better and someone who could give me what I truly need. I said he was the only man I wanted. There is literally no one else out there that I could possibly be interested in now. All I want is to be with him. That's the only thing that would cure me of this insufferable nausea and emotional wreckage that I am having to contend with right now.

    We start seeing eachother with the intention of keeping our freedom not to have any 'commitment'. It was a very casual thing and we even agreed that we could see other guys at first (although we later agreed that we would be monogamous). We then spent many nights together, as well as going out clubbing and introducing new friends and doing all the romantic stuff like dating, the cinema etc...

    He said we were in 'completely different places' and that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, saying the last six months were the only months of his adult life that had finally found happiness. He's 26, I'm 23 so I'm sure the 'age gap' wasn't an issue. He said I had the looks, the charm and the personality to find any man I want and that he would not be actively seeking anyone other men in his life in the short term.
    But he clearly said we were 'not compatible'. What does that mean? Not compatible because he's a few years older, so is a little ahead in his career and probably earns a few thousand more a year? Or that he thinks that since I'm new to this city (London) and he's been here for four years, that we are in 'completely different places'? I just don't understand.
    Everyone I have told thinks there is something seriously wrong with him.

    After telling me the awful news, which involved me sobbing away, causing him to cry as well and apologise while he was in my arms on the bed, he then asked me if he wanted to have sex with me for the last time.
    He said I still turned him on and I ended up going through with it.

    When texting him a couple of days later I said 'I'm so alone right now', to which he replied that I would soon be finding lots of new guys in the next few days. That completely misses the point, which is that being single and having random one-night stands is (for me) the mostly lonely sort of existence I can think of right now, having spend such quality time with him.

    He also said that if he would change his mind in the future, that he would understand if I said I didn't want to be with him. I told him I couldn't figure out how I would ever be able to find anyone to replace him.

    I still have an intense urge to be with him, to be a close friend of him. I want to hug him and be affectionate with him even though he has broken my heart. I can't bear to be away from him. I am physically ill.

    I just don't know what to do. I cry all the time, cannot focus on work and am completely depressed.

    It's my birthday tomorrow (when I will be officially 23) and I will not be celebrating. Instead I will be in my room crying and sulking to depressing music. That is all I can do now. I've even had to tell friends from other parts of the country to come and see me another time, as I was supposed to be having a party.
    I am going through the same situation just keep your head up and stay strong youll find you someone else just like i will it just takes plenty of time
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    May 20, 2011 11:11 PM GMT
    it's sounds like you are "in love" which is a chemical state. it's like being high. it's natural.

    it's not the same as loving someone, but they do go nicely together.

    things that burn really hot, tend to burn out fast too
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 20, 2011 11:36 PM GMT
    I'm heartbroken for you. I know how you're feeling - in part, as nobody can know exactly how you feel - but I do understand and empathize.

    Take heart, there are several things you MUST consider now, not later, but RIGHT NOW.

    1st - You deserve to be treated better than this. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but if he can't appreciate you, race to be with you, rage with desire and passion and lust and tender affection and love toward you, then he's a fool - regardless of how much of a fool for love you may be, yourself. You deserve to be loved and not left. Remember that.

    2nd - Despair can devalue, so don't think that what you need is him. You don't. You need someone who is all those things but complete, not indecisive and not blind to what you offer. To NEED and be willing to FORGIVE him is a state of desperation that doesn't properly reflect your actual worth. Don't pine for him so much that you'd beg. NO man is worth begging for, ever.

    3rd - Force yourself out into the world and don't stay sequestered. You do not have to be social, but you do have to avoid over-indulging the loss, because you need balance. Sulk if you need to, but sulk on a walk, in the tube, down by the Eye, anything, anywhere, but not entirely in a hole in your flat. Not healthy.

    4th - Notice that the arse made you feel badly BEFORE your birthday - and surely he knew it was coming. What a callus, frightened, cowardly bullshit thing to do. He's a prick when it comes to timing. Take note.

    And now, a little hope. I fell JUST like you did for a guy I met at Gay Games back in NYC in 19LDKJSDFLKJ (ignore the date, it doesn't matter) and he was so into me blah blah, flew back into town to spend a long romantic weekend with me that I paid for out at Fire Island, in the early fall, alone, very romantic and cool. Then when we came back to the city he said "I'm seeing someone in MN and I like him better." THUD. I didn't stop crying for three days. A friend came and got me, picked me up off my floor (literally) and took me to her place to cry for the next 72 hours. I had my best friend coming to visit three days later and I was going to have him not come. Thank God I didn't. He came, he pulled me out of my shell (although I was so embarrassed and ashamed of the events that I never spoke of the specifics - just a 'breakup') and made me feel SO much better. That was October. Mid December, just two months later, I met the man I spent 16 years with in a monogamous committed relationship. The universe pushes us severely off course not to fuck us over, but to avoid collision with things that could break us apart into pieces, and the 'bump' only feels like we're shattered. When, in fact, it was to put us "ON" course to rendezvous with our "moon" or "sun". This WILL happen to you, some day.

    So cry. I get it. Feel the intensity. I get it. STOP CONTACTING HIM!!!!! And get out, be with friends. Be a mopey, wet-blanket of a basket case with them, if you must, but be one WITH them, and remember - by the time you've made another trip around the sun, this time next year, you'll have someone better in your life. I'm certain of it.

    xo
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    May 20, 2011 11:58 PM GMT
    Dude...When a guy tells ya you deserve better it's usually because he wants to be free to date others without guilt....He read through your actions and demeanor that you were more the one on one relationship type...Second, six weeks isn't long enough to know you love anyone...it wasn't love.. it was lust....the best thing for you to do is to man up and move on....My 2....BUD
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    May 21, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    As he said, grief for what happened, but move forward, and things will happen when u least expect it!

    and when u rethink of it later on, u will say to urself, how dumb was i to be so depressed over a jerk!!??

    Just cheer dear...
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    May 21, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    I'm sorry you are hurting so badly right now and my heart goes out to you. I think that your boyfriend is experiencing a lovability issue. By that I mean that we as a gay community have been kicked around so much by society in general, that we don't love ourselves enough. Your boyfriend is probably scared to find out that someone genuine loves him. The monogamous direction that the relationship turned to seemed to push him away. Please do something fun for your birthday.icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 21, 2011 12:08 AM GMT
    Love hard.... but then move on. The emotion is hard to get through at first but give yourself a deadline for mourning/lamenting and then kick yourself in the ass and get back out there. This was 6 weeks and not worth getting busted over for more than a few days tops. Seriously. Get back up.
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    May 21, 2011 12:13 AM GMT
    mybud saidDude...When a guy tells ya you deserve better it's usually because he wants to be free to date others without guilt....He read through your actions and demeanor that you were more the one on one relationship type...Second, six weeks isn't long enough to know you love anyone...it wasn't love.. it was lust....the best thing for you to do is to man up and move on....My 2....BUD



    I would go further and say he's dating someone already or interested in doing so. He's a fucking liar and doesn't have the balls to tell the truth trying to play Alpha Romeo. Pathetic.
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    May 21, 2011 12:14 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said The universe pushes us severely off course not to fuck us over, but to avoid collision with things that could break us apart into pieces, and the 'bump' only feels like we're shattered. When, in fact, it was to put us "ON" course to rendezvous with our "moon" or "sun". This WILL happen to you, some day.



    i love what you wrote. especially this part.
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    May 21, 2011 12:16 AM GMT
    Buddy.... don't put all of your eggs in someone else's basket. That is, don't let someone else's presence control your happiness!

    You live in a very cosmopolitan, lovely, city with tons of gay guys.... there are plenty more fish in the sea! And perhaps you can find someone else who will be more stable.

    I agree with Mohammed's point that your relationship seemed to have a very fast pace. As a general trend... relationships that start very quickly often end quickly because of the intensity.... its not easy for people to handle that.

    You have to realize that there's a reason why you are not together and that, if he feels you guys aren't compatible.... then it's probably best to break up after 6 weeks of dating rather than 6 months!

    Tough love from me? I suppose. But I believe you have to be happy with yourself.... having a guy in your life can add certain things to it, but should not be the end all and be all of your happiness.

    You have to talk to yourself and figure out why it is that you are so crushed in such a short period of time?

    Remind yourself that every day will get better and soon enough you will be over it. You can't live in the past! Love yourself first and love will find you when it is meant to.

    Life usually works out alright if you just let it icon_smile.gif

    Best,

    Z
  • Jimmy201001

    Posts: 40

    May 21, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    Thank-you for all your advice, it's very much appreciated icon_smile.gif

    I've only just realised how inappropriate it was for him to tell me this just days before my birthday (which has now been ruined because I'm still far too depressed to be thinking about celebrating).

    Does it strike you as odd that he still wanted sex after he announced that he didn't want us to be together (and the only reason I said yes was foolishly thinking he would suddenly change his mind!)?

    I just wish I knew why he's done this to me. He kept saying it was him, not me, and that he had not interest in dating other guys or going to gay bars - only that he wanted to be with his friends.
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    May 21, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    dude, you'll get over it in like a month. tops.
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    May 21, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    Maybe.....

    I was in a two month relationship that took me a couple years (!) to get over....

    I'm not proud.

    There is no formula to it. Just keep moving.
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    May 21, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    BambinoRex said
    MuscleComeBack said The universe pushes us severely off course not to fuck us over, but to avoid collision with things that could break us apart into pieces, and the 'bump' only feels like we're shattered. When, in fact, it was to put us "ON" course to rendezvous with our "moon" or "sun". This WILL happen to you, some day.

    i love what you wrote. especially this part.

    I agree with you Bambino, this is a great line! Thanks Muscle, nicely said.

    To Jimmy, I'd say hang in there. You've lost something that, albeit in a relatively short time, you valued very much. I disagree with some of the others here in feeling as though this is a 'bad' person. It does sound as though he wasn't ready for the relationship so he made the decision to back out. I actually give him credit for coming to you and telling you personally. I've been in the same situation where the person just quit talking to me period.

    Relationship are tough to build but you do need to both be on equal footing and it seems that this wasn't the case. You'll go through the stages of grief just as with any loss. There will be pain, sadness, depression, anger and the rest. It will take time but you WILL eventually get back "on course to rendezvous".

    Don't lose hope, Don't lose faith. Lean on your friends and they will help carry you through. Let your friends in, don't shut them out. They will be the strength you need during a tough time. Including your RJ friends!

    Good luck!
  • Jimmy201001

    Posts: 40

    May 21, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    Maybe he broke up with me first because he thought I would do the same to him later on. He told be he had been through that 'many, many times'. Though I doubt I gave him the impression I was heading in that direction.
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    May 21, 2011 6:15 PM GMT
    Jimmy201001 saidMaybe he broke up with me first because he thought I would do the same to him later on. He told be he had been through that 'many, many times'. Though I doubt I gave him the impression I was heading in that direction.

    Maybe the non-deceptive version of what he said to you was: "I've DONE THIS to other guys many, many times." He may well be the "Love 'em and leave 'em" kind, or perhaps a closeted guy who dabbles but doesn't dare linger too long in any one place.

    In either case good riddance, and enjoy your birthday. Even if a little late over there, a birthday can always be deferred a few days, my friends & I do it all the time for convenience.
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    May 21, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    Awww.. I really feel your pain and wish I could give you a hug to assure you that things will get better.

    You are only 23 - You have your whole life ahead of you and you will meet many guys one of whom will be your guy forever.

    As someone else mentioned, look at the glass half-full - its better he acted on his uncertainty now rather than later. It will hurt no doubt but treat it as an eye-opener and move forward.

    I think we may be alike. Once I like someone , I tend to love with all my heart very soon. Not only sexually - when I meet good hearted people, somehow I just end up loing them a lot. But sometimes its wiser to be more selfish and share our heart piece at a time slowly and then share all of it once the other person is ready to share all of his heart too.

    I'll stop my banter - Please try to celebrate your bday - Happy birthday and I wish that you get over this soon and just let this go as a bump in the road to a happy future.
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    May 21, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    turbobilly saidMaybe.....

    I was in a two month relationship that took me a couple years (!) to get over....

    I'm not proud.

    There is no formula to it. Just keep moving.



    I'd love to be that person who took years to get over...icon_twisted.gif
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    May 21, 2011 9:47 PM GMT
    I'm sorry. It sucks to get dumped... A breakup is something that just takes time to heal. Period. Fortunately, you were only together a month and a half so you should recover quickly.
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    May 21, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    I know this is hard. I think this is something that anyone who is willing to acknowledge their true feelings copes with. You have plenty of reasons for not being with him, but there will always be part of you that cares for the person no matter how much you try to get rid of that, it's there. So many people spend their time finding reasons to hate their ex-boyfriend just so they can stop hurting but we have all met these people who seem to hate the world as a result.

    I think a lot of a breakup is learning how valuable you are as an individual, and not trying to change your feelings. If you are sad, let the sadness come. Talk to your friends and family about this, let them know what you are going through. I think you will find you are the opposite of alone in this, we have all gone through these hard times.

    Things will get better. It just takes time to move forward. Yeah, 6 weeks is short but if you got fully invested in him, it might as well be 6 years.

    /hugs