I feel wrong, I feel bad and scared. I almost want to cry. Someone took a chunk out of me.

  • Regbial

    Posts: 14

    May 20, 2011 7:42 AM GMT
    There's this guy I had been pining for like a year ago. We had met before, but nothing came of it. But he lives in my same community and we got along, he seemed trustworthy. Well within this year I lost my virginity I had sex with several guys, all safe of course. But most of these guys were married, or had a girlfriend (one had a girlfriend who (I didn't know) was to be his wife, wtf?).

    Now this guy has his boyfriend, but he told me a while ago that his boyfriend was away for like 2 weeks and he wanted to jack off together with me. I'll be honest: I just didn't care. I mean it's just jacking off, maybe afew bjs but that's it.

    So I went with him. and yeah we started out pretty chill, but soon enough things got a little heated. I was on top of him, jacking off, and he starts putting his finger inside me, with lube.

    But then I see he takes back his hand (so that wasn't his finger). He was barebacking me. I asked if he had aids or anything, he told me no. Now I didn't want him to cum inside me, no way. but after I came, he told me he had cum too.icon_sad.gif this was probably the hottest sex I've ever had, maybe that's why I let it keep going. I don't know I don't understand why I lost control of myself.

    The issue is not that he barebacked me without real permission (well that's part of it actually). The issue is that all my life I have wanted the first time a guy came within me to be the guy I love, a guy I really know and respect, and who respects me, after being in a loooong monogomous relationship. this to me was my "real" loss of virginity. I sweet talked myself into thinking that there was no way he was gonna cum inside me... but he did. I feel like he stole something from the guy I will love. I dunno know how to explain it. But to me cumming inside (condom or not) is like the most intimate action possible.

    But now I feel so lost, kind of used. Because with the guy I didn't really feel any real emotional attachment, it was more like fun to him. I really want to cry.

    I mean I feel like I can never have what I want. Here in this city I live in, you just can't be openly gay, finding a boyfriend is incredibly hard. I've tried for 5 years. People just don't want to get involved in a gay lifestyle, it's just not even considerable to them. So they marry girls and have the family and all that. But where am I left? When do I find that guy? The kisses, the embraces, the appreciation, the love... I can't... I feel like I can never have that, and that's what really destroys me. and today was the nail in the coffin. I hate myself, I hate my life, I don't think I've ever felt so depressed.

    I need guidance, I need hope. I mean I lose my real, "guy I love" virginity when it happens right? just because I guy came inside me doesn't mean it's all over.. is it? I mean they say every person you have sex with takes a piece of you with them.. I feel like this guy took a HUGE chunk, more than he deserved.
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    May 20, 2011 7:47 AM GMT
    honestly, it serves you right for everything you were doing before and with him.

    get over your mess-up and just don't do it again...this is what separates the men from the boys. Those who can control their desires and those who can't.

    You should have not gone over to him in the first place... he has a bf..and he is willing to cheat on his bf with you... that means he is lying to his bf ... that means he could be LYING to YOU about other things as well.

    You placed your trust in a person who is already UNTRUSTWORTHY.


  • Regbial

    Posts: 14

    May 20, 2011 8:02 AM GMT
    exactly I couldn't control these desires because I feel SO FUCKING LONELY, SO FUCKING HOPELESS! It's like a part of me wants to wait and be honorable and all that, this is the real me, who I want to become, the person I am and would be if things were just a little bit better for me.

    I mean you think I WANT to do things with married guys/guys with girlfriends? I mean I'm always second place. But I didn't care, because to me it was just fooling around, nothing important.

    But I'd do anything to meet a sweet guy my age I could exclusively love. That's all I've ever wanted. A guy to learn new experiences with. To learn how to be sexual with... That innocence, that is all I really wanted. But time keeps going, nothing comes. My life just goes in circles with no progress. So I had my first BJ, my first kiss, my first guy inside me... All of it meaningless.

    That's the other part of me that says "screw it just fool around, feel good about yourself, enjoy being gay, flip the bird to all those conservatives and haters who want you to fade away. Just don't ever let them cum inside, that amount of intimacy is reserved for the guy who knows you deep down, who you love. It's the last "meaningfulness" in sex, you have to wait for that.

    But I feel like this "bad" side of me just sabotaged me, and that "meaningfullness" is all gone. I mean hell as I said I was going into this with a mindset of only bjs and jackoffs.
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    May 20, 2011 8:08 AM GMT
    Regbial saidexactly I couldn't control these desires because I feel SO FUCKING LONELY, SO FUCKING HOPELESS! It's like a part of me wants to wait and be honorable and all that, this is the real me, who I want to become, the person I am and would be if things were just a little bit better for me.

    I mean you think I WANT to do things with married guys/guys with girlfriends? I mean I'm always second place. But I didn't care, because to me it was just fooling around, nothing important.

    But I'd do anything to meet a sweet guy my age I could exclusively love. That's all I've ever wanted. A guy to learn new experiences with. To learn how to be sexual with... That innocence, that is all I really wanted. But time keeps going, nothing comes. My life just goes in circles with no progress. So I had my first BJ, my first kiss, my first guy inside me... All of it meaningless.

    That's the other part of me that says "screw it just fool around, feel good about yourself, enjoy being gay, flip the bird to all those conservatives and haters who want you to fade away. Just don't ever let them cum inside, that amount of intimacy is reserved for the guy who knows you deep down, who you love. It's the last "meaningfulness" in sex, you have to wait for that.

    But I feel like this "bad" side of me just sabotaged me, and that "meaningfullness" is all gone. I mean hell as I said I was going into this with a mindset of only bjs and jackoffs.


    that's why you need to move on with your life. The past is the past.

    Move on and go on other dates, and find that special someone.
    pm me if you want to talk about it in more depth.
  • Regbial

    Posts: 14

    May 20, 2011 8:29 AM GMT
    "go on other dates" thats the thing, there are no dates, not where I live. I know no gay guy my age.

    You guys get to have your dates, you get to have your awesome firsts that get to be good memores. To become the person you want to become.

    I don't get any of that, I won't get any of that. that's what eats me up so bad, that's what kills me, what leads me to do things I don't want to do deep down. I hate myself, I hate my life.

    It was probably my jealousy of that that made me go through with seeing the guy. having a taste, but that's all I get, just tastes

    please you guys, please be very thankful for what you have
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    May 20, 2011 8:38 AM GMT
    Regbial said"go on other dates" thats the thing, there are no dates, not where I live. I know no gay guy my age.

    You guys get to have your dates, you get to have your awesome firsts that get to be good memores. To become the person you want to become.

    I don't get any of that, I won't get any of that. that's what eats me up so bad, that's what kills me, what leads me to do things I don't want to do deep down. I hate myself, I hate my life.

    It was probably my jealousy of that that made me go through with seeing the guy. having a taste, but that's all I get, just tastes

    please you guys, please be very thankful for what you have


    I understand your issue I really do. If you know my history that is.

    I can't go on these dates you speak of that apparently I should be going on...

    I just hang out with friends.... go see a movie... but nothing more... only a kiss maybe if the man is gay.

    I have only had sex with one person who was my bf... only him... that's why it was special. You should have not slept with multiple men and waited until you found that right man.

    What you need to do is forget about the past, and try to move on.
    Be patient... I sure was.
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    May 20, 2011 1:59 PM GMT


    Well, the reality is you'll now have to go and get tested for HIV among other things (as in other common venereal diseases). You'll have to repeat the HIV test in 6 months to make sure you haven't contracted it.
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    May 20, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    the part about fetishing virginity could be examined.

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    May 20, 2011 4:46 PM GMT
    Let me get this straight... (pun intended)

    A vrigin that didn't know he was being fucked, but also didn't know if it was a finger or a penis? icon_rolleyes.gif

    I have so many comments my heads gonna explode!!! icon_eek.gif

  • Regbial

    Posts: 14

    May 20, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    Fetishising virginity? what do you mean by that? you mean it shouldn't be that important to me?
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    May 20, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    Someone coming inside you is of no consequence in the whole scheme of things. It's when someone comes inside you bareback, with or without permission, that is truly consequential. You should focus more on your inability to assert control over your body when you needed it most than on losing your "virginity."
  • Regbial

    Posts: 14

    May 20, 2011 8:39 PM GMT
    Yeah that's part of what I'm not understand. How could I let that happen to myself? I swore I wasn't that weak a person. I keep surprising myself in the worst ways.

    I bet some of you people are angry at me because I got involved with a guy with a boyfriend. I'm angry with myself. But please realize I'm a human too. I mean I feel fucking hurt.
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    May 20, 2011 10:52 PM GMT
    Regbial saidFetishising virginity? what do you mean by that? you mean it shouldn't be that important to me?



    the idea of precious virginity is generally tied back to women as chattel and being sure your children via a woman are your own.

    there have been various dialogs on RJ about what actually makes up virginity for gay men. people draw the line at different places....

    by saying one act is meaningful over another, your placing a value on them accordingly. sometimes people go raw thinking it will make them closer or imagine it will mean more, but in fact, the physical acts have no inherent value except what we assign them.

    another example is people who space special value on using the word "love" because it can hold a landmine of meaning.

    so for you, since you are young, i'd encourage you to develop your communication skills so that in the future, you can be sure that you are sharing ANY act with someone where you are on the same page on what things mean.

    nothing has been torn from you. you gave something away. that doesn't make you bad. it just means you are growing up.
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    May 20, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
    I can only imagine the resources you have in Nuevo Leon Mexico. icon_sad.gif You seriously need to go and get checked ASAP. You have to love yourself more or you will find someone who will take advantage of your inability to take control of yourself. People will push you around otherwise. Don't let anyone cloud your better judgement.
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    May 20, 2011 11:20 PM GMT
    despite the obvious poor choices that were made, I'm no expert but a dick is usually bigger than a finger, especially in a virgin's ass. Something doesn't seem right about this story. anyone else think this is an odd tale?

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    May 20, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    Just redefine all the messing around you've done to date...as just that, experimentation and seeing what you like. It was not romantic sex. Any future partner can forgive that you just wanted to make sure you liked it before pursuing a relationship.

    From this point on my boy...you are now a virgin.*

    *Virgin as far as romantic sex.

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    May 20, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    Well at least someone finds you attractive!! Not an ugly piece of shit like me!!
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    May 20, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    How come nobody cares about me here?! Because I'm fucking shit!!
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    May 20, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    WildBeast23 saidHow come nobody cares about me here?! Because I'm fucking shit!!

    You just joined this site today, this your second post as of this minute. Are you parodying the OP? I don't understand what your outburst is about.
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    May 20, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    i know how you feel, the same shit happened to me kind of but less intense. i had all these expectations and then things just went completely different and i discovered that lack of self control i didn't know i had. things weren't going the way i wanted but i swallowed my pride and did it anyway, then i felt like complete shit. it seems really harsh the way people react but it is sort of karma with the way you were behaving. all those same expectations the women and one boyfriend of these people you were involved with would have a chunk taken out of them the same way.

    just for the future, you've learned the hard way, unfortunately, and that sucks but there's not much else to it, time heals and you'll have a better understanding and when you come across the type that would have hiv or aids and neglect to tell you, you'll handle it before it handles you. there are a lot of guys who let their sexuality control them leading to diseases and you just have to learn not to get dragged onto that path.
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    May 20, 2011 11:36 PM GMT
    WildBeast23 saidHow come nobody cares about me here?! Because I'm fucking shit!!


    Go away, Stuart.
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    May 20, 2011 11:47 PM GMT
    Get an HIV test every month for 3 months.
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    May 20, 2011 11:48 PM GMT
    Regbial saidI need guidance, I need hope. I mean I lose my real, "guy I love" virginity when it happens right? just because I guy came inside me doesn't mean it's all over.. is it? I mean they say every person you have sex with takes a piece of you with them.. I feel like this guy took a HUGE chunk, more than he deserved.

    1. Don't EVER bareback again!
    2. Check on an HIV test as soon as you can. Depending on what's offered, test results can give you an answer after a couple of weeks, while other tests require 3 months or more from exposure to be accurate. That means you must wait that long from exposure to know if you dodged the bullet or not. And retest a few times in months ahead to be sure.
    3. Also depending on the medical help for HIV there, some HIV specialists are using a sort of "morning after" treatment method, to possibly prevent the virus from becoming established in your body. I can't vouch for its effectiveness. You don't say how long ago this incident was, but if within days I'd advise seeing if such a treatment is offered.
    4. You are 20. At your age my social life was stunted, and my love life nonexistent. You may need to do what I did, and many guys here: we moved to where the things we wanted did exist. Simple logic -- if I want to catch fish, I don't go out looking in a desert, nor get disappointed when I don't find any there. And if you can't relocate right now, you must practice patience. It isn't like time is running out on you.
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    May 20, 2011 11:51 PM GMT
    self- Bashing , no bueno!!!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    May 21, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    Dude...he took your ass not your heart.....you gave into lust...it was hot....it felt awesome....now it's done....That chunk is quilt....in time this will pass....NOW...the real issue....Are you fuckin insane to have sex without a condom??????....Do you know how many guys still die of aids???????.....get your life and shit together....go get tested.....that is all.....BUD