So why do I keep picking straight guys?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 29, 2007 5:39 PM GMT
    Well I was at the club last night dancing around seen a real cute guy dancing. Went up and talked to him later on in the night when he was sitting by himself. I asked him if he was gay and he replied "No sorry bud". I asked him why he was there ? lol. He said he was with a group of friends (they later came over) 3straight guys 1 gay guy and 1 girl. He was real nice and all, I guess he was a school teacher too.

    But anyway this has happened to me quite a few times, not so much where I went up to them, but I found out they were straight or had a gf or whatever. I must be attracted to something that mostly straight guys are giving off, thats the only thing I've come up with. I would like to figure out what it is so I can change it, because me being attracted to that is definitely not doing myself well.

    Anyone have any suggestions? Or similar experiences?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 29, 2007 6:31 PM GMT
    No, I think you're the only guy this has ever happened to. JUST KIDDING - I think it's safe to say it's happened to all of us at one time or another. Glad to read that your inquiry was responded to nicely by this guy. It'd be a total bummer if he got in a huff. What's the adage..."if at first you don't succeed, try try again..."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 29, 2007 6:38 PM GMT
    As NRG579 mentioned, this happens to many of us. It's not you.

    Kudos to you for having the courage to go up to this guy and introduce yourself. Also really cool that the guy was nice and danced and talked with you.

    Don't give up. You're doing all the right things. It just has to happen with the right guy.

    Good luck. :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 29, 2007 10:30 PM GMT
    falling for a straight guy, let me think......I count eight times in the last nine months, wait make that 10. i didn't ask any of them, although i'm thinking about asking #10. anyway. I don't know why gay men fall for straight guys. maybe it's the saying "always wants what he can't have." it could be the feeling that it's taboo, and it would make it more exciting. just my thoughts.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jun 30, 2007 9:30 AM GMT
    Hmmm....str8 guy in a gay club?
    Mebbe you sensed their awkwardness and found that attractive
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2007 9:41 AM GMT
    jester..many things confuse me about your thread here. Nevertheless it's an important topic.

    So you were at a homo club? and you went to speak to a "cute" guy "later"(?) in the night and ..this happens to you "quite a few times"? When he spoke with you he told he wasn't "gay" Does that sum it up?

    The majority of men are straight-ah we know this already.

    Most men, including some homosexuals, would likely have little or no interest in a another man if he's been told he's "cute" by a "gay" guy-so it's unlikely you are gonna get past first base despite what your fantasy world tells you-so save the war stories for later.

    As for you "picking" heterosexual men-this is an important topic here.

    However, your description of the type of men you like is nonexistant from what I read outside of one man being "straight" or "cute".

    My question to you is-are you a man first or a homosexual? The answer is usually the former.
    Men in the company of other men-nothing better than that.
    Men in the company of masculine men-nothing better than that.

    If you went to a hetero bar/pub could you do the same thing, walk up to another man and start a conversation? and would you ask him about his sexual preference right off the bat? best be careful mate on that one.
    Do you or would you spend any time in a heterosexual club/pub?
    Do you spend anytime with other heterosexual men-volunteer at the fire station, rescue squads, hunting, how about participate in SPORTS (the reason for this web site).

    Thats fine though but if you wanna meet the men you are attracted to they ain't gonna be hanging around homo bars mate.

    In summation you like masculine looking men. Thats great. Maybe put your sexual preference on the back burner, enjoy being in the company of men, form relationships with other men. Men want to be with other men-it's called the fraternity. Be a part of it.






  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2007 3:41 PM GMT
    Recently in a gay bar I found this one guy really attractive. It turned out he was straight... the bastard. What was he even doing there?

    What was worse, was I found out he was straight because he was there with his high school teacher, who struck up a conversation with the friend I was with (who then told me). It turns out, he was still in high school. ewwwwwwww! I would have been guilty of pulling a Marc Jacobs, but he seriously looked in his 20s, maybe 23 or so. His skin was waaaaaay to dry for his age.

    SO, my advice: ignore ybwc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2007 8:19 PM GMT
    ybwc I agree with some of what you say. I never told him I thought he was cute, I just said that on here. I asked him if he was gay or not. I think its quite a reasonable question in a gay bar, if he had a problem with that he would have had much bigger issues. Theres a reason why its called a "gay bar" specifically for certain reasons.

    As far as guys I find attractive guys who just had a nice aura about them, first thing that attracts me to a guy is presense, then physicalm then personality. They can come in different orders, usually personality is the most important then presense then physical. But I just tend to notice presense before anything else.

    Actually this doesn't happen to me often, I don't approach guys often. However I find other guys attractive that I never come into contact with, and I find out they are straight.

    I would spend time in a straight club, I've went only a few times and it was quite boring in my experience. Lets also remember I'm not just attracted to masculinity. There are quite a few guys that are inbetween that I find extremely attractive also. Infact a man who is just masculine would be quite the turn off. Just as a guy who is just feminine would be a turn off.

    No I don't vollenteer at any local fire stations, I used to play volley ball but I haven't in a while. I been going to the gym and talking to some guys there which has been nice.I really not noticeably gay whether thats positive or negative its just the way things are. However sometimes I wear a rainbow bracelet and I'm sure some people notice it. I agree with you that I should form other relationships with men, I think everyone should.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2007 11:25 PM GMT
    Jlk7-thank you for taking the spirit of my post in a an appreciative manner.
    If you want to hang out with heterosexual men do it.
    I might suggest a few other forums: brokeback mtn(dave cullen's).
    topics like: "gay and masculinity are they mutually exclusive".
    Also a book that is getting good reviews: Jack Malebranche's Androphilia. Its inexpensive, it's an excellent read. It may give insight to your curiousity toward heterosexual men.
    As for 331 above-he missed the point( no suprize) that I am encouraging you to go back into the fraternity of men-you wont be disappointed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2007 2:04 AM GMT
    Ybwc, I did not miss your point. I ignored it. My advice to ignore you was unrelated to the story I shared; your suggestion that hanging out with masculine, heterosexual men could somehow solve jlk7jester’s problem of being attracted to straight guys was too obviously misguided to take seriously. Surrounding yourself with heterosexuals increases, not decreases, the likelihood you’ll develop a crush on a straight guy. Did I really need to point that out?

    Jlk7jester, if you were attracted to exclusively masculine men as ybwc assumed, and there is nothing wrong with that per se, then I would suggest joining a local gay sports team or a local gay gym, since that would maximize the chances that you’ll meet a masculine gay guy. Since you mention you’re attracted to men who have both masculine and feminine elements to their personality, then although I would still suggest joining a local gay sports team (since sports hardly requires exclusive masculinity), giving realjock.com a try is also good advice. The guys here are diverse and health-minded, and form a good set. Gay.com is not very popular in New York, but perhaps it’s big where you are. And keep going to those gay clubs!

    I must strenuously disagree with ybwc’s book recommendation. Jack Malebranche’s “Androphilia” is notoriously transphobic, which is ironic since contrary to his usage, the term “androphilia” denotes the attraction a transgendered feels towards men (gynephilia does so for their attraction to women). Malebranche tries to substitute the term “androphilia” for the term “gay,” since he feels the latter term has too much effeminate baggage. Why would that bother him, you ask? Malebranche abhors men who don’t adhere to strict masculinity constructs; the idea that there is nothing wrong with gender-bending has never occurred to him. He explicitly rejects the notion that masculinity and femininity are ethically tantamount; he thinks gay acceptance of those men who do not conform to the rigid gender roles he prescribes has somehow interfered with homosexuals’ status as men. He explicitly classifies those men who do not live up to his masculinity constructs as “second-class men.”

    I think it’s wonderful when men are totally masculine. I also think it’s wonderful when they’re feminine, if that’s what they prefer. Malebranche’s misogyny precludes him from agreeing with that second statement, and it does so to his loss.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2007 2:58 AM GMT
    331-you missed the point twice now. I dont expect you will get it. I suggested jester spend time with other men-very different from the likes of you-in that group of men there are homosexuals as well as heterosexuals-its about developing friendships, bonds, lifelong friends. I would hope jester will come back with is an appreciation for men 1st and foremost.

    your point:oooh dont do that you'll develope a crush on a "straight man" geez what am I supposed to do what am I gonna do. 331 what are you afraid of? a straight guy's gonna make fun of you? most likely will.

    I dislike effeminate behavior in men period. I can say that can't I? I just wouldn't have anything to do with him-thats my call. Malebranche loses nothing when he chooses masculine behavior over the "other" behavior.

    "since sports hardly requires exclusive masculinity" did I read that right? you wouldn't understand a sport if it hit ya in the nuts.
    I don't get you man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2007 3:21 AM GMT
    Ybwc: “I suggested jester spend time with other men-very different from the likes of you-in that group of men there are homosexuals as well as heterosexuals…”

    Actually, your comment, “Do you spend anytime with other heterosexual men-volunteer at the fire station, rescue squads, hunting, how about participate in SPORTS (the reason for this web site),” did not suggest that.


    Ybwc: “your point:oooh dont do that you'll develope a crush on a "straight man" geez what am I supposed to do what am I gonna do. 331 what are you afraid of? a straight guy's gonna make fun of you? most likely will.”

    This thread’s premise was, “I must be attracted to something that mostly straight guys are giving off, thats the only thing I've come up with. I would like to figure out what it is so I can change it, because me being attracted to that is definitely not doing myself well.” Did you read that? Since that entails a desire to reduce the incidents where jlk7jester feels attraction to a straight guy, my concern was precisely on point.


    Ybwc: “I dislike effeminate behavior in men period. I can say that can't I? I just wouldn't have anything to do with him-thats my call. Malebranche loses nothing when he chooses masculine behavior over the ‘other’ behavior.”

    It is one thing not to wish to socialize with a set of people whose interests and personalities are different than yours. For example, my gay uncle is a bear, and prefers to socialize with other bears since they share his interest in masculinity as an end in itself. Unlike you, however, he is not prejudiced against others – he does not dislike the effeminacy itself that others display. Both you and Malebranche lose that which all bigots lose out on: the joyous appreciation of all of humanity’s constructive self-expression.


    Ybwc: "I don't get you man."

    Seeing as you're a Malebranche fan, it would disturb me if it were otherwise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2007 3:47 AM GMT
    No that has happened to me ONCE, I was at a local club and this guy was up on another guy, when he sat down i went up to him and we started talking and then this girl came in and went up and said, are you ready to go hun, then i saw his wedding ring. Now how embrassed was I, yeah alot!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2007 7:07 AM GMT
    I will be very careful about meeting straight guy in gay club. Once I pick up a tough and hunky guy, take him to my apartment , as soon as I try to unzip him, he scream that I am a fag and demanding money or he will report it to the police. There a lot of this blackmailer preying on innocent gay people. He could be worse, some gay hater individual wishing to harm us...serial killer ....be careful
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 02, 2007 6:14 PM GMT
    Wow, when I made this topic I really didn't want anyone attacking each other on the thread. I understand both views of ybwc and satryicon. I myself have met people who would not associate or even talk to men who had feminine traits. I myself was scared/disgusted by men when they behaved femininely. Later on the reason I found out why, was because of my own insecurities in my masculinity, hoping I would never behave that way, this ate at my for quite a few years. I eventually became friends with 1 or 2 more feminine men and I was able to become more accpeting of it, and also accepted myself in the process. Many times things that deeply bother us are things we are afraid of within ourselves, not saying thats the case with you ybwc but thats how it was with me and other friends of mine.

    However accepting someone for who they are, and being attracted to them is 2 different things. I am not attracted to exclusively one type of man, infact over the years I've found men attractive that I never thought I would.

    I however agree a bit with ybwc in terms of getting involved with men that are straight, I think most men should. The reason I think why is because I think many gay men almost dehumanize straight men and look at them only for sexual or emotional gratification. Many straight men are not looked at as friends, family. They are looked at as sexual objects, possibilities of conversion ect. I think befriending a few would do much more good then it would bad in the long run. The problem would come if I would be attracted to them, however I would need to learn (as any adult should) to control my feelings and realize to let go of them for it is a false pleasure that wouldn't bring me happiness in the end.

    I feel as thought I am a very well rounded person, but I definitely feel my friendships with people men and women are very lacking. The friendships I currently have are very lacking, and leave me with drama and uneasiness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2007 10:56 AM GMT
    I am not sure if this is useful to the thread but i have a similar experience with straight guys. 9 times out of 10 when i am attracted to a guy, he ends up being straight. It is a bit annoying because they are rubbish in bed. Often we don't even get to bed as they are usually in some kind of panic rush and rarely even give me a reach around. I am sure some will think this funny but i have noticed that they usually have the following issues:

    1. It is hard work in making them use a condom. You have to really insist.
    2. They won't let you near their ass.
    3. They seem to be frightened of your dick.
    4. They won't kiss.
    5. There are always in a rush.

    If it wasn't for them being so damn cute, i would swear off them altogether.

    :)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2007 3:45 PM GMT
    Yeah that was the most retarded reply ever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2007 4:41 PM GMT
    zoot101 said: "...i have a similar experience with straight guys. 9 times out of 10 when i am attracted to a guy, he ends up being straight. It is a bit annoying because they are rubbish in bed...."

    Huh? zoot, if he is in bed with you, he is not "straight". It still astounds me that some don't understand this, and perpetuate the illogic that "masculine"="straight; "feminine"="gay".

    How about this, for men: "gay" = a preferential attraction to other men; "bisexual" = an attraction to either gender; "straight" = a preferential attraction to women. What's so difficult about that?

    Gay men can be attracted to certain characteristics in other men, including masculinity, and be turned off by others, such as femininity. No one can argue with that.

    But demonizing, dismissing, insulting another gay man because he has some characteristics to which you are not sexually attracted is a throwback to redneckism of the 1960s and 1970s. Please.

    And, jlk7jester, any man in a gay club should expect that he would be taken for gay. Why should you feel that you need to ask him if he is gay? If you were straight, in a straight club, is it rational that a woman would go up to a guy and say "do you want to dance? You're not gay are you?"

    I think there should be a term for "straight" men who choose the company of gay men, or like to hang around gay men. I have a sneaking suspicion that they enjoy the bait and switch, and probably have some sort of issue related to exhibitionism (getting attention turns them on, at least).

    John
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2007 5:12 PM GMT
    SADLY, i can't say that this has ever happened... Probably because i'm too shy to ever make the first move in person :-/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2007 6:05 PM GMT
    zoot101's str8 boys sound to me like guys who publicly identify as str8 but are actually bi-curious to some degree and primarily interested in finding a moist orifice to fuck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2007 9:04 AM GMT
    Paradox: you may be right about them being bi-curious as it is hard to nknow for sure.

    Fastprof: Just because a guy is in bed with another guy doesn't make him gay. Sorry, but this is such an oversimplification as is your comment that i am saying "gay" = feminine and "straight" = masculine. I think no such thing.

    I have been to bed with straight guys who were bi-curious, gay guys and horny straight guys. My previous post was meant half in jest but it is fairly common that when a straight guy is horny enough, depending on what social constraints he is under, he will often view you as just another hole.

    Normally this occurs because a women is not available and, in my experience, if you are matter of fact but non threatening. BTW, through large parts of Asia, people think that only the penetrated one is gay and while i think this is a bit silly, i don't really care what people want or want not to call themselves.

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 12, 2007 1:28 PM GMT
    ZOOT,

    Yes, I heard about that, the bottom guy are gay the top are not. However Asia is a huge continent and those idea is more to the West Asian culture (I am from East Asia). I also heard that homosexuality actually kinda common things there, and anybody who live in West Asian country for a long time will realize it.

    In my countries is really common to find two males migrant worker from Pakistan, Bangladesh , Nepalese holding hand in public. Such behaviour not necessary mean homosexuality (well it could be ). This behaviour however is not part of East Asian culture . It not even acceptable for straight unmarried couple to hold hand in public here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2007 2:38 PM GMT
    ",,,I have been to bed with straight guys who were bi-curious, gay guys and horny straight guys..."

    No, you were in bed with Bi guys or gay guys. A "straight" guy has no interest in sex with men, cannot get his dick up for men, no more than I can for women. I don't care how much he characterized himself as "straight"....if he's having sex with you, he's not. He's Bi.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2007 3:01 PM GMT
    Fastprof, I have to disagree with that. Have you ever read "The Human Zoo", by the author who wrote "The Naked Ape"? It seems that if you put male chimps together without a female, after a period of time, they will begin to engage in homosexual activity. Normally, they will only respond, sexually, with females, but if deprived of female attentions for a period of time, will resort to homosexual behavior.

    This is not an outrageous idea. Just stop and think of what goes on in prisons. The top dogs have to have their bitches. Makes perfect sense to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2007 4:08 PM GMT
    sundown55...

    Oh, I agree with that. Those are special circumstances. That's not what were talking about here.

    We're talking about guys in normal circumstances seeking out sex with another guy. A straight guy would not do that. By the way, I am sure that if I were imprisoned with only women for the rest of my life, I would seek out women for sex. But I am not in prison, and I don't have the faintest desire to do that.

    What I am suspecting is underneath zoot's comment is the odd point of view, unsupported by any research, but still professed that all "straight" men secretly desire to have sex with other men.

    There's also wide misinterpretation of Kinsey's and Masters and Johnson's work...that the sexual "spectrum" from gay through bisexual to straight is equally weighted (it's not) and that it's a spectrum that each person has (meaning, I'm gay, but I am 5% attracted to women or something odd like that).

    Their work shows that most people are straight, meaning cannot be attracted to the same gender any more they can a cup of coffee. And, by definition, if a person CAN get a hard on with either gender in normal circumstances, he is bisexual, no matter how "straight" his self-characterization, nor how "straight" his life.

    If zoot had said,

    ".... 9 times out of 10 when i am attracted to a guy, he ends up being married or has a girl friend. It is a bit annoying because they are rubbish in bed...."

    I might have wondered about how he keeps tripping over such guys, but I wouldn't have made a comment. Those married guys and guys with girl friends are still bisexual if they had sex with zoot.

    And, zoot, I am not taking shots at you...just in the spirit of discussion.