Need Feedback on Article I wrote for Gay Website

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    May 22, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    EDIT: Thanks for your help!
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    May 22, 2011 9:42 PM GMT
    It comes off to whiny: "No one appreciates how important my message is."


    Maybe work "the issue is being ignored" rather than "my work is being ignored?" ?


    I am pretty sure that is what you are saying
    I'm still playing with phrases here





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    May 22, 2011 9:45 PM GMT
    Upper_Canadian saidtoo whiny.



    How do you go about not making what I went through not sound whiny? Of course I figured someone would say that.

    I thought me adding "But I wasn't going to let this stop me." and what I did to get the word out on my own took away some of the whininess. icon_wink.gif
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    May 22, 2011 9:52 PM GMT
    Maybe naming the sites that did not respond makes it sound more petulant. ( is that the right word?)

    What if you just said how many sites, (including) a couple of obvious names?



    O btw - did you submit it to AfterElton.com?


    Just taking a second to read it again.
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    May 22, 2011 9:55 PM GMT
    Upper_Canadian saidMaybe naming the sites that did not respond makes it sound more petulant. ( is that the right word?)

    What if you just said how many sites, (including) a couple of obvious names?



    O btw - did you submit it to AfterElton.com?


    Just taking a second to read it again.


    Yep, AfterElton. Hell no, it's important that those sites are named. I want people to see just bad it is when you need try to contact people.
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    May 22, 2011 9:56 PM GMT
    I'm tweeking it live now. Changed the second paragraph a bit so far.
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    May 22, 2011 10:04 PM GMT
    suggestion:

    move this text to be the second para (after Thank you Dan):


    As a filmmaker you work very hard to uncover [certain] kinds of grievances. You put in exhaustive research, spend a lot of money ( and often times sit in airports and travel across the country just to get one interview. Multiply that by 100 and you have a film—or the pieces of a film. Then you spend years editing it all together. You dig deep to find the truth and expose the best you can why these things happen. To let people see first hand what it's like to be on the receiving end of homophobia, rather than focusing on the messengers of homophobic ramblings. To make sense of it all, so things can change for the better.

    For the past five years..."
    then delete a first and a then as approproiate because of the new order.


    consider cutting this completely:

    "Three months later I sent a follow-up email to the editor calling him out on this. How could he ignore something that happened in his own state? I was quickly met with a sharp email and a phone call saying "I was thinking of covering this, but now I've changed my mind." Somehow I think "thinking about" covering something for three months really means it was ignored."

    Or, add a line at the end of the paragraph what you learned from that incident. from that incident.




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    May 22, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    Gotcha on the naming the sites. you are absolutely right.

    Rereading it with that one block moved to be the introductory paragraph softens it.


    Got to keep the incident with that editor too

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    May 22, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    I'm halfway through the dewhining. I'm graying out sentences that could be removed and also made word changes here and there.
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    May 22, 2011 10:18 PM GMT
    I actually like the first section you greyed (about Dan being the only one who responded.) It makes the main point in the first paragraph.


    (It tells us what you are going to tell us; you tell us, then tell us what you told us.


    After the second greyed out area - I note that is the point at which it starts to sound a bit whiny - because you made the point - try not to sound like you a belabouring it by talking then about what the project was. (that could be intro)
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    May 22, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    It really seemed less whiny just with just that structural change - without significant editing at all.
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    May 22, 2011 10:27 PM GMT
    Upper_Canadian saidIt really seemed less whiny just with just that structural change - without significant editing at all.


    I've made several changes and removed the grayed out areas, now working on the second to last paragraph. Read again and tell me when you feel a whininess quotient raise too high.
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    May 22, 2011 10:29 PM GMT
    AsI read it now i like it but I would cut this line:

    "Five years is an awfully long time to invest yourself into something, and waiting two years to get fair coverage is simply mind boggling. "

    That seems like the only whiny part now.


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    May 22, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    wrestlervic said
    Upper_Canadian saidIt really seemed less whiny just with just that structural change - without significant editing at all.


    I've made several changes and removed the grayed out areas, now working on the second to last paragraph. Read again and tell me when you feel a whininess quotient raise too high.


    Lose this:
    What's most sad about this is me having to write this article

    Keep the rest



    I'm not a person who wishes to dwell on the negative. But there's something deep inside me, a very nagging feeling, that tells me I'm right to pursue this. Especially when I continue to hear stories from friends who have been forced out of dojos because they are gay."





    This sounds positive.

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    May 22, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    this is really cool doing this real time with you so far apart!

    hitting refresh now


    Not crazy about "My work, which could serve as a valuable tool to get out the message, was made, in essence, background noise."

    maybe "the message was made, in essence, background noise" instead of "my work"?

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    May 22, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    Upper_Canadian saidthis is really cool doing this real time with you so far apart!

    hitting refresh now



    Hit Refresh again and read that second to last paragraph. Still working on it.
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    May 22, 2011 10:42 PM GMT
    wrestlervic said
    Upper_Canadian saidthis is really cool doing this real time with you so far apart!

    hitting refresh now



    Hit Refresh again and read that second to last paragraph. Still working on it.



    I like it.




    what looks out of place now with the tone is using thedescriptor a "gay rag"

    that sounds kinda bitchy and sour grapes. go the high road with whatever you describe it as

    a "gay publication?"
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    May 22, 2011 10:44 PM GMT
    maybe " I put out press releases" instead of "I paid for..." you don't want to cloud the issue by sounding like you are complaining about the cost - it is the indifference.


    Likewise I'm not sure whether mentioning spending your savings on it makes the reader sympathetic or ready to mock, and you might not want that possible distraction from the point of the article.



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    May 22, 2011 10:48 PM GMT
    Upper_Canadian saidmaybe " I put out press releases" instead of "I paid for..."



    People think press releases are free. They're not. I just read it and will submit it as is now. Thanks for looking at it! Vic
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    May 22, 2011 10:51 PM GMT
    wrestlervic said
    Upper_Canadian saidmaybe " I put out press releases" instead of "I paid for..."



    People think press releases are free. They're not. I just read it and will submit it as is now. Thanks for looking at it! Vic


    yeah i just reread it. It looks good, vic!

    I
    f I'm lucky - your book will arrive before next Wednesday- Canada Post might be going on strike and I have my crayons all ready to colour icon_biggrin.gif

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    May 22, 2011 10:52 PM GMT
    Upper_Canadian said
    wrestlervic said
    Upper_Canadian saidmaybe " I put out press releases" instead of "I paid for..."



    People think press releases are free. They're not. I just read it and will submit it as is now. Thanks for looking at it! Vic


    yeah i just reread it. It looks good, vic!



    I did change gay rag to gay publication. I couldn't figure out the proper word at the time. Thanks! icon_wink.gif
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    May 22, 2011 11:06 PM GMT
    How does your experience compare with other independent films to get media attention?

    I know competing even locally for media attention is a challenge for theatre.

    It took a long time to get the kind of print I finally got even with the faster project turnaround of theatre vs film. (even so, every bit of media I got came at the price of resentment from other producers who complained I got "more than my share" of media.
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    May 23, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    I read your article (probably after all the corrections), but found it to be informative. What caught my eye was the paragraph about Q-notes,http://goqnotes.com/, which is the gay rag of NORTH CAROLINA and also covers issues of the surrounding areas in South Carolina. I know the owners and publishers of the newspaper. They also own the local bookstore as well and normally I find them to be very open to news that matters and I would say that homophobia of any sort matters. I would assume that you were in contact with the Editor and not necessarily the publisher of the newspaper.

    I don't know if you are still pursuing this within North/South Carolina. If I can find some avenues that might help with getting this out further in the area, I will send via the email addy you gave when you were looking for leg pics for your book. Thanks for doing this. icon_wink.gif