Relationship Philosophies

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2011 5:02 AM GMT
    I know this is reading like a SATC episode with `soulmates`and all that stuff, but what is your relationship philosophy? I recently split with my ex and went to see a counselor to possibly sort through some of my commitment issues and realized I may be one of those people who believes in multiple soulmates over the course of one`s life. Maybe I have a commitment issue or maybe I just haven`t met the right guy yet. What is your philosophy? Do you believe in one partner for your lifetime?
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    May 23, 2011 10:58 AM GMT
    maybe, maybe not, you might end up staying with the one person for the rest of your life but I dont think we have one soul mate or anything like that. What I do believe is that if you are open to it and don't have a massive laundry list of requirements you will find many people you will fall in love with and not merely lust after.
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    May 23, 2011 2:32 PM GMT
    i don't believe there is a single "the one"

    there could be many "the ones"

    to settle down means to settle for one of those "ones" which has the opportunity cost of not experiencing the others

    we all change over time, so it becomes a question of effort.

    i mean. straight couples who have kids and societal structures to hold them to growing together are like flowers trained on a trellis.

    for gay men, it's more of conscious act of will at times to make choices to at least sometimes put "we" over "me"

    but your question was about my POV?

    i'd like someone to share my LIFE with. that doesn't mean i have to like every aspect of theirs or vice versa.

    not everyone is thinking in those terms or compatible in those terms, and being alone in the interim isn't always best.

    i think that like working out, it's a matter of effort and habit.

    my uncle (who has been bonded to his wife since middle school) says: "people either become like a rock in your shoe that you can't wait to get out, or like a watch around your wrist that you feel naked without"
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    May 23, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    As we all grow & mature we all change so to have a love for one person your whole life as a soul mate & never love again I think is unlikely. If we as people change then so does the love that bonds us to others & our expectations of what a soul mate is.

    We may love different men in different stages of our lives, & all of those loves can be intense, important & unique, because each of us as individual beings are also.

    Every love may be important to us but it doesnt mean that one is more or less important than the other.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    May 23, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    Jetsbacker saidI know this is reading like a SATC episode with `soulmates`and all that stuff, but what is your relationship philosophy? I recently split with my ex and went to see a counselor to possibly sort through some of my commitment issues and realized I may be one of those people who believes in multiple soulmates over the course of one`s life. Maybe I have a commitment issue or maybe I just haven`t met the right guy yet. What is your philosophy? Do you believe in one partner for your lifetime?


    I believe that love is overrated. After my last bf, I definitely don't want any kind of commitment with a guy....like, ever. I can commit, however, to a girl, because so far, they proved to be much more reliable and mature than guys. But, I don't believe in marriage, and have strong urge to be independent and free, and to travel very often. Therefore, my nomadic lifestyle is not easy to follow, nor do I expect from anyone to follow. I've learned to have expectations only towards myself, and hence, can't be disappointed in other people.
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    May 23, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    BambinoRex saidi don't believe there is a single "the one"

    there could be many "the ones"

    to settle down means to settle for one of those "ones" which has the opportunity cost of not experiencing the others


    I agree.

    BambinoRex saidmy uncle (who has been bonded to his wife since middle school) says: "people either become like a rock in your shoe that you can't wait to get out, or like a watch around your wrist that you feel naked without"


    Sometimes its a little bit of both, maybe like a watch that's gotten a little too tight, maybe the crystal is a little beat up, but you wouldn't want to have to tell time without it. icon_razz.gif
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    May 23, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    I think having one partner for a lifetime is the ideal scenario, given that both people can grow and adapt to each other. But I think what's more realistic in today's time is serial monogamy, that is several relationships through the course of one's lifetime.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 23, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    I think if you need someone else to make you feel complete, you should seek counseling or else you're going to be miserable for a long time. I think committing to one person is awesome and how you really get to know them and yourself. But committing doesn't mean you don't have your own life and identity anymore.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    May 23, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    I believe in the numbers game. With the world's population at 7 billion, I find it hard to believe that there's only one person who is "perfect" for you.

    Eventually through your own sorting process you'll be able to find someone who you agree with and who also agrees with you ;)
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    May 23, 2011 3:06 PM GMT
    Timbales saidI think if you need someone else to make you feel complete, you should seek counseling or else you're going to be miserable for a long time.



    This is a harsh way of saying something I agree with. I'd rephrase it as "if you believe this, you need to examine how much of your expectations are based on romantic movies and greeting cards"

    i'd still be with my first serious boyfriend, except he had an impulse control problem (among other things, it takes 2 to tango) and that killed any physical intimacy between us (over time, we tried). i know it could have worked because we were great friends who could share some aspects of our lives, without the need to overlap everything.

    as cold and calculating as it sounds, i really think it's ideal if people can sit down and talk about what their hopes and expectations are objectively. this rarely occurs because people think they want different things than they need. and talking about it with someone you're interested in often taints the answers.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 23, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    BambinoRex said
    Timbales saidI think if you need someone else to make you feel complete, you should seek counseling or else you're going to be miserable for a long time.



    This is a harsh way of saying something I agree with. I'd rephrase it as "if you believe this, you need to examine how much of your expectations are based on romantic movies and greeting cards"


    I don't think it's harsh, there is a difference between need and want.
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    May 23, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    I'm heavily influenced by other philosophies and don't in general believe in an absolute or universal anything (except for maybe physics, but love is invisible to physics icon_razz.gif).

    So, that throws the idea of a soul mate or "the one" out.

    I think the most important thing in a relationship is the present. If you can't focus on the present and have good communication now, why do we worry so much about the future? I know so many people who have problems saying they are going to be with someone for life, or forever and they have been dating for a year.

    It's not very positive to say this, but most relationships do end. That's just how it goes. But if you spend your time focusing on that point (as so many people do) then you are just going to hasten the truth.

    For myself, it's really important for me to be happy. I can be in almost any relationship with someone for the rest of my life and be unhappy or at least content. But I want the person I spend my life with to be really special to me, someone I know I can share more than just "a few great months" and then settle down into this content (but not unhappy) phase that so many couples settle into.

    I'm a highly analytical person, more of myself than others but it's important for my relationship to function well and if it doesn't I try to fix it. But I am good at acknowledging when things aren't going to work. I split up with my boyfriend of two years because he wasn't able to trust me (or anyone in his life since childhood). That kind of trust issue is such a core part of him that a few months or years isn't going to change. Boyfriend's aren't projects, they are partners and I decided I had to move on. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I know I broke his heart (and thus confirmed all his trust-related fears) but I just can't be in that kind of relationship.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    Timbales said
    BambinoRex said
    Timbales saidI think if you need someone else to make you feel complete, you should seek counseling or else you're going to be miserable for a long time.



    This is a harsh way of saying something I agree with. I'd rephrase it as "if you believe this, you need to examine how much of your expectations are based on romantic movies and greeting cards"


    I don't think it's harsh, there is a difference between need and want.


    And it is true. No one wants to feel needed. They want to feel wanted. There is a difference.
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    May 23, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    I don't mean harsh in a bad way. With some people, it's the only way the message would get through. With others, it would read as harsh and be ignored because of it. But we're saying the same thing.
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    May 23, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    adam228 said I split up with my boyfriend of two years because he wasn't able to trust me (or anyone in his life since childhood). That kind of trust issue is such a core part of him that a few months or years isn't going to change. Boyfriend's aren't projects, they are partners and I decided I had to move on. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I know I broke his heart (and thus confirmed all his trust-related fears) but I just can't be in that kind of relationship.



    I've been that person in the relationship. The one with the near-impossible trust barriers. The only person who could put up with me really helped me grow up. That was a relationship defined by both of us NEEDING each other in different ways to evolve. By definition, once that was done, we'd each grow in the same direction or move on to other areas.

    Trust is such a funny thing. People often give it away. and you can learn more about how you can trust someone by watching than by their words.

    it reminds me of this piece I've seen written out and posted on various sites:

    People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

    They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

    What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

    Next! When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

    Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

    It is said that love is blind but, friendship is clairvoyant. I know why you are in my life and I love you for that reason . . . .

  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    May 23, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    Timbales saidI think if you need someone else to make you feel complete, you should seek counseling or else you're going to be miserable for a long time. I think committing to one person is awesome and how you really get to know them and yourself. But committing doesn't mean you don't have your own life and identity anymore.


    Quoted for Truth. I seem to attract all the guys that are expecting another guy, me, to "fix" them. Look, if you are looking someone to "fix" you, you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life.
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    May 23, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    While the idea of the "perfect" guy doesn't sit well with me, I do believe that out of all the gay men in the world there surely has to be one who is best suited for you. I don't think it's based on a particular static trait though, and that over time you can grow more compatible with anybody. The real question, like you asked, is whether or not you want to let this scenario play out.
    I can say a lifelong relationship is ideal for me, but this doesn't have to (and doesn't seem to be) the case for you.
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    May 23, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    i find it strange that straight people seem to be moving towards marriage as being a permanent but flexible-term situation, and you hear more gay men talking about life term situations.

  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    May 24, 2011 12:08 AM GMT
    I've seen documentaries where they study old str8 couples who have been married and are still in love for 40 or 50 years. The couples all say the same thing. "The sex was amazing."

    That's the secret to a successful marriage. Forget all that going for walks in the park stuff. You won't share interests with your mate. You'll only come home to meet up and fuck your brains out.

    Ask any divorcing couple how the sex was. Sex? they;ll ask.