Fear and confidence.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    Just wondering, does anyone have a "cure" for being extremely self-conscious and scared to talk to guys? I think you can tell because I don't even have a picture up.
    Especially on a site like this, where most guys are extremely in-shape, and some seem to be the too-good-to-be-true kind of men.
    I feel pretty stupid about posting something like this, but I'm at that point where it feels like "All the hot guys are either taken, just want hookups, or TOO GOOD FOR YOU!"
    icon_confused.gif
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    May 24, 2011 11:59 PM GMT
    This is something you just have to force yourself to do. The only way to get over a fear of roller coasters...is to get on the roller coaster.

    But don't jump on the tough roller coaster yet. So, maybe start with guys you're not attracted to or even couples. If you get rejected, you've lost nothing. This give you a chance to practice your conversation skills. The easiest conversation starters are compliments and questions....or even asking for help or advice.

    One sure fire way is if you see a gay couple that look good...tell them they look cute together. Your words will be met immediately with big smiles and thank yous. Ask them how they met, what their first date was like...etc. This breaks the ice and warms things up. People LOVE to talk about themselves.

    Eventually, you'll get a chance to tell them you're painfully shy (actually, most people can relate) and have trouble meeting guys. Ask them for advice for meeting a quality guy. At this point, they will go into match making mode and probably fix you up with one of their friends (gay couples LOVE to play match maker, so they'll have other couples to do things with.) If not, at least you will have opened up and gotten a chance to practice being social.
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    May 25, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    Pfft...stop your whining. According to your profile stats, you're already thin. I had to lose 60 lbs of fat.
    Fortunately your theory of what hot guys are like is absolutely false.
    They're not all looking for hookups; they're not all taken; and they're not all too good for you.

    That said, rock what ya got! You're already thin, so use it to your advantage. If you want to bulk up some, read the General Fitness Discussion forums and learn from other people's mistakes and successes. icon_wink.gif
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    May 25, 2011 12:33 AM GMT
    Sometimes you just have to take a big gulp, and go for it. As long as you look inviting, approachable and confident (doesn't mean you have to really feel that way) you'll usually be okay.

    Rejection is a part of life, and it's all about inoculation. If you get rejected just shrug it off and move on. Besides you can always tell yourself that at least you tried. Last few words that I'm actually trying to apply to myself is "If you're afraid to look bad, you'll never look good." Anyhow, Good luck icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 25, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    Semitransparency saidJust wondering, does anyone have a "cure" for being extremely self-conscious and scared to talk to guys? I think you can tell because I don't even have a picture up.
    Especially on a site like this, where most guys are extremely in-shape, and some seem to be the too-good-to-be-true kind of men.
    I feel pretty stupid about posting something like this, but I'm at that point where it feels like "All the hot guys are either taken, just want hookups, or TOO GOOD FOR YOU!"
    icon_confused.gif


    Fake it.

    Honestly, when it comes to something like confidence no one will know if you're 'acting' or not.
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    May 25, 2011 3:32 AM GMT
    Try Toastmasters first to get the confidence to speak to people. Then leverage that to try picking up guys.
  • nubScotty

    Posts: 282

    May 25, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    Been working on this a lot myself lately, and I have been adapting the attitude of "fuck it!" when it comes to this sort of thing. This is coming from a guy who used to weigh 250lbs and had zero self-confidence coupled with social phobia; so I completely get the idea of being scared and lacking confidence, but the only way to get over it is to put yourself out there.

    The fear of rejection also comes into play, at least for me, but I'd much rather be turned down than have regrets. Hell just this past weekend I was at Long Beach pride, saw plenty of guys I found attractive. So I said fuck it to any fears I had, went up to them introduced myself and told em I thought they were cute/hot/w.e; absolutely nothing came of it, but I didn't lose anything in the process!

    In all honesty it'll take time to overcome the self-consciousness, there is no overnight fix. Faking confidence as mentioned earlier is one way to start working on it and definitely something to consider. The longer you fake the confidence the more natural it will become. The "Too good for you" idea is a false-belief created by the self-consciousness, well at least for me it was. No one is too good for you, and if they believe that they are, well than they're a douche and you shouldn't want to be around them anyways.

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    May 26, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    Thanks guys, for all your inputs. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to work on.
  • BeingThePhoen...

    Posts: 1157

    May 26, 2011 3:24 AM GMT
    It is certainly a process. I'm still working on me. Surviving highschool really did a number on my self confidence. I finally got tired of the person that I was, so I created a mental image in my head of the person I want to be and work daily toward that goal. I have to force myself into uncomfortable situations and teach myself to be less and less awkward in those situations.

    The Cliffs Notes:
    Talk the talk and walk the walk. icon_cool.gif