"I miss him daddy"

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    May 25, 2011 12:18 AM GMT
    As many of you know im trying to deal with the break up of my bf & I. We were together 6 yrs. I still believe he was the love of my life even though he lied, cheated & gave me hiv, I know it sounds crazy.

    But the good part of this man became a 2nd father figure to my son. He even called my bf "dad". We all went on family vacations together, family reunions together & etc. This man built computers for us, fixed our cars, helped my parents, the list goes on & on. He gave so much to all of us. So much time, love and great loving memories. He was truly the man of my dreams. (except for the bad stuff that i found out about) lol.

    We have been broken up now for almost 5 months. Its been such an emotional battle raging inside of me. He called & we talked a few times afterwards trying to be "friends" but I couldnt do it. I still miss him terribly, i always will but have cut off all communication with him.

    The problem im having now is with my son. We were completely honest & open with my son. He is now 11 yrs old. After the breakup I explained to my son that my ex wouldnt be around anymore....my son says "because yall broke up daddy?" I said yes we did.

    Even so, every single week that I get my son he says "daddy, i miss Isaac" and it rips my heart out. I tell my son that I miss him to & move on to a different subject. My son even sleeps with a stuffed animal my ex gave me. To see him sleeping with it, holding it in his arms breaks my heart.

    What am I supposed to do? Its been hard enough on me trying to get thru this but to hear my son tell me every week for 5 months how much he still misses my bf is killing me. I just dont know what to do, I thought it wouldve stopped by now but it hasnt.
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    May 25, 2011 1:04 AM GMT
    Man i am so sorry to hear that. i feel for u so much big man i mean that 100%, u will make it through u have a wonderful son to focus on and help grow. need to talk hit me up anytime stud.
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    May 25, 2011 1:10 AM GMT
    im soo sorry to hear this redbull.. i dont think he will ever get over it..as he was apart of his life for six years...so i assume with time as he grows older he will get better accepting that hes no longer in your family...but he will always remember those six years. Children tend to bond with individuals and have memories which makes them always remember people especially if they are fond memories. But hopefully things will get better.
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    May 25, 2011 1:11 AM GMT
    Children's innocence have a way of piercing through all the walls we set up. I think you need to keep being honest with him, and the most important thing is to let him know that your ex-boyfriend did not leave because of him. Children are very quick to blame themselves for these kind of events.

    Even if he won't full understand some of the things you say, make sure he knows that you are there 100% for him and let him talk to you about your ex-boyfriend. I know it hurts to hear it, but him talking to you will cue you into a lot of the things he is thinking and you can help him heal along with you.

    I really do wish you the best and I'm sorry you have to go through this. It will get better, I promise.
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    May 25, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    safety43 saidMan i am so sorry to hear that. i feel for u so much big man i mean that 100%, u will make it through u have a wonderful son to focus on and help grow. need to talk hit me up anytime stud.


    This.
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    May 25, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    I NEVER give this advice to anyone. EVER.

    I THINK YOU GUYS NEED TO WORK IT OUT.

    Some relationships are worth saving. I think THIS is one of them.
    Children have something we, unfortunately, lose as adults; Instinct, and trust.
    The fact that your son feels this way means something.
    Listen to your son. And Listen to your heart.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 25, 2011 1:25 AM GMT
    Would it be unhealthy to let Isaac take your son out to the movies once a month, or come to a sporting event, or take him to dinner? Is this really any different than any other rancorous divorce, and what would you do under those circumstances?

    I assume, based on what you said, that he was a good parental figure to your son in many ways, and not an asshole to him, per se. So the issue of trust and the destruction of the trust and poisoning of the love is entirely between you and Isaac, not between Isaac and your son.

    This could be the way that you heal your friendship with him, and recover some semblance of what was good between you. You might be able to heal and move on. You might also model something healthy for your son.

    I say all this while being entirely ignorant of the man's character aside from his infidelity, but I have to assume some things from what you've said which would imply that he's not a villain, just not a trustworthy mate.

    Is this out of the realm of possibility?
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    May 25, 2011 2:13 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidWould it be unhealthy to let Isaac take your son out to the movies once a month, or come to a sporting event, or take him to dinner? Is this really any different than any other rancorous divorce, and what would you do under those circumstances?

    I assume, based on what you said, that he was a good parental figure to your son in many ways, and not an asshole to him, per se. So the issue of trust and the destruction of the trust and poisoning of the love is entirely between you and Isaac, not between Isaac and your son.

    This could be the way that you heal your friendship with him, and recover some semblance of what was good between you. You might be able to heal and move on. You might also model something healthy for your son.

    I say all this while being entirely ignorant of the man's character aside from his infidelity, but I have to assume some things from what you've said which would imply that he's not a villain, just not a trustworthy mate.

    Is this out of the realm of possibility?


    I second this. Is your ex willing to maintain a relationship with your son? If so, I think letting the two of them have some time together is the best approach. Kids need all the people in their lives who care for them.
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    May 25, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    I offered this type od scenario to my ex one of the last times we talked. But as of yet hes made no attempts to see our son.

    He has gone somewhat off the deep end reverting back to his jehovah witness ways, taking care of his sick mother & helping his brother out also. He also lives 2 hours away so Im assuming all of that doesnt prohibit him time for our son I guess.

    I havent said anything of this to my son of course because I dont want to encourage false hopes for my son in case my ex doesnt follow thru.
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    May 25, 2011 2:28 AM GMT
    redbull saidI offered this type od scenario to my ex one of the last times we talked. But as of yet hes made no attempts to see our son.

    He has gone somewhat off the deep end reverting back to his jehovah witness ways, taking care of his sick mother & helping his brother out also. He also lives 2 hours away so Im assuming all of that doesnt prohibit him time for our son I guess.

    I havent said anything of this to my son of course because I dont want to encourage false hopes for my son in case my ex doesnt follow thru.


    In that case, I think you let your son know you love him unconditionally and make sure that he doesn't feel he is to blame for the breakup. Hoping for the best for you and your son!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 25, 2011 2:37 AM GMT
    I don't think breakups are ever black and white because people aren't. You have reason to think well of him and you have your reasons not to. After all, people are fallible. The issue is whether this is good for your life. Yes, you miss him. Yes, it breaks your heart hearing your son say that. But keep in mind you're also making a lot of excuses. Lying is one thing. Cheating is another. Giving you HIV is its own universe. Do you see how you're systematically making things O.K.?

    It's not that people don't deserve forgiveness and it's not that things cannot be fixed, but you have to keep your interests and your son's in mind. Yes, he did a lot of great things for you, but keep in mind HIV is a terminal disease and can potentially rob your son of having his dad. I think it's important to understand that regardless of how good people can make us feel or the comfort they can bring to our lives that doesn't mean it's a good decision to have them in our lives.

    I finally had to cut off my mother from my life. I love her and she was the person who raised me and she did some amazing things for me, but I cannot deny she was a monster at the same time. I also cannot deny the position of her in my life is based on an idea of happiness that isn't realistic. At one point I had to put my feelings before her and say I can't sacrifice myself for your sake of being in my life. It was hard, but I needed to do it to get back to my life and move on.

    This ex (from the posts I have read), doesn't seem to be in a better place internally. What makes you think it's good to have him in your life? Better yet, what makes you think you're not worth it to have someone who is better than what he did to you?

    Keep in mind you were together for six years: it will take much longer than five months to be O.K. with this. Think of it this way: a tree in nature will take as long as it lived to decay and as it did to live. Hearts are eerily similar.

    And finally, I think you should think of your son, but in a way you haven't. It's hard to explain things to children, but remember you are still his father and you know things he doesn't. If your son were in your shoes, how would you react to him going back to the lover who did what your ex did to you? Would you tell your son to settle or would you be aghast for anyone doing that to your son and him even thinking about going back? How is he supposed to learn about taking care of his own heart if you don't provide him with an example?

    Your son is old enough to know the truth of the situation and I think if you told him he would understand more than you do.
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    May 25, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    sashaman said
    redbull saidI offered this type od scenario to my ex one of the last times we talked. But as of yet hes made no attempts to see our son.

    He has gone somewhat off the deep end reverting back to his jehovah witness ways, taking care of his sick mother & helping his brother out also. He also lives 2 hours away so Im assuming all of that doesnt prohibit him time for our son I guess.

    I havent said anything of this to my son of course because I dont want to encourage false hopes for my son in case my ex doesnt follow thru.


    In that case, I think you let your son know you love him unconditionally and make sure that he doesn't feel he is to blame for the breakup. Hoping for the best for you and your son!


    Ditto.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 25, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    calibro said... but keep in mind HIV is a terminal disease and can potentially rob your son of having his dad...


    WTF!?!? HIV is a chronic condition, with potentially life-threatening consequences, but it's positively archaic to describe it as a terminal disease in 2011. With the possible exception of living in sub-Saharan Africa, with no medications, poor diet, in poverty, and little or no access to regular, quality healthcare, a recently sero-converted HIV-Positive adult is not dealing with a death-sentence.

    This does not diminish the profoundly selfish act of the OP's ex having put him at risk and having passed the virus on to him, but saying "HIV is a terminal disease" is careless hyperbole, Calibro. icon_mad.gif
  • jayrogers

    Posts: 35

    May 25, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that man. I know from experience that there's not much worse than being hurt/betrayed by someone you love.

    I can't exactly say I had something "similar" happen since the details of your situation are very different, but I've probably experienced the same emotions.

    It's very confusing to have such a close, intimate relationship only to be betrayed to the point where you question whether the person ever really loved you at all.

    I understand that emotional battle raging inside between extreme love for the person and extreme hatred. It's enough to drive you nuts.

    In my situation it was obvious to me that there was no point in attempting to salvage the relationship. This man's betrayal and reasoning told me that there was never really a good foundation to our relationship to being with.

    As far as your son goes, I think it's important to let him talk about his feelings and make sure he feels heard rather than trying to move to another subject quickly.

    Time will eventually help heal your son's wound to a degree, but something like that can have a long-lasting impact. If you've been with this guy for 6 years, and since your son is still young enough to sleep with a stuffed animal, it sounds as if the guy has filled a huge role for most of the child's life, if not even all of what the boy can remember.

    If that's the case, and he was calling him "dad," then it's just like losing a parent to your son. That's is f**king devastating to a kid, and by no means a quick fix.

    I think it's important moving forward to be the exclusive father figure in your son's life. Relationships can come and go, and when they do, odds are the other person isn't going to want to stick around to continue his role in a child's life.

    You are the boy's father and you need to involve your son in your relationships in a way that maintains the uniqueness of your role as his one and only father.

    I'm really sorry for what you've been through. It definitely doesn't sound like this was your fault, but going forward, there are ways you can help protect your son.

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    May 25, 2011 2:54 AM GMT
    I agree with you 100% calibro.

    Its still very difficult though dealing with the war of emotions going on inside of me. I try to put on a big, strong, & loving smile for my son & everyone around me but the truth is im still having a hard time with it & to see it affecting my son like this kills me.

    It makes me feel like ive failed in protecting him from being hurt. My ex was a master of pathalogical lying & using emotions to get his way because he knew I loved him & I try to believe in people & look for the good in people, especially him.

    Thanks for the advice man, & I couldnt agree with you more. I think I may have to have more of a discussion with my son about all this to help his closure with things.

    Hes borderline autistic & delayed but is obviously having a hard time with all this also.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 25, 2011 2:58 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said
    calibro said... but keep in mind HIV is a terminal disease and can potentially rob your son of having his dad...


    WTF!?!? HIV is a chronic condition, with potentially life-threatening consequences, but it's positively archaic to describe it as a terminal disease in 2011. With the possible exception of living in sub-Saharan Africa, with no medications, poor diet, in poverty, and little or no access to regular, quality healthcare, a recently sero-converted HIV-Positive adult is not dealing with a death-sentence.

    This does not diminish the profoundly selfish act of the OP's ex having put him at risk and having passed the virus on to him, but saying "HIV is a terminal disease" is careless hyperbole, Calibro. icon_mad.gif


    Actually, I think my comment is appropriate. The disease (HIV is a virus and AIDS is the state so I yield on that being off in terms of diction) is terminal, but true is not necessarily in his case. Which is why I never said it would kill him: ergo the use of potentially. But whether it's kept in check does not mean the disease itself isn't terminal. It most certainly is and still can kill long-term even with the best treatment. Opportune infections and related conditions, such as possible heart disease, are not strangers. But I also think this is a semantic argument and not really what the thread is calling for.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 25, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    redbull saidI agree with you 100% calibro.

    Its still very difficult though dealing with the war of emotions going on inside of me. I try to put on a big, strong, & loving smile for my son & everyone around me but the truth is im still having a hard time with it & to see it affecting my son like this kills me.

    It makes me feel like ive failed in protecting him from being hurt. My ex was a master of pathalogical lying & using emotions to get his way because he knew I loved him & I try to believe in people & look for the good in people, especially him.

    Thanks for the advice man, & I couldnt agree with you more. I think I may have to have more of a discussion with my son about all this to help his closure with things.

    Hes borderline autistic & delayed but is obviously having a hard time with all this also.


    You said it yourself. Why would you ever put your son near a man whom you described as a pathological liar and manipulator? It's O.K. to be upset about this. Remember, being sad doesn't make you a weak man: it makes you human. But being unable to protect your son from people who would bring pain to your life and not being unable to stand up, at least for his sake, would make you a weak father. You have to dig deep and delve past the pain and use the love of your son as courage: in his name you have to be strong enough to keep someone who would be detrimental to your life away.
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    May 25, 2011 3:17 AM GMT
    Seek professional help with this one. A family counselor would be an appropriate choice.
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    May 25, 2011 3:25 AM GMT
    redbull saidAs many of you know im trying to deal with the break up of my bf & I. We were together 6 yrs. I still believe he was the love of my life even though he lied, cheated & gave me hiv, I know it sounds crazy.


    And this is a guy whom you say has 10 times better personality than me in another thread? So you like that personality and traits. No wonder...

    I really don't have much sympathy for this article. You allowed it to happen, your son was in that dramatic environment...What can you expect? The moment you knew he was "coming to Denver to cheat on you" should have been the moment you let it go.

    He didn't give you HIV. You accepted HIV. When you choose to have unprotected sex that's just the risk one takes. Doesn't matter if it's free, paid, or married sex...it's still sex and one must act accordingly.

    I do feel bad for the son, but not for the father's careless way of allowing a known fool around him. And especially the way you came at me earlier, apparently liars, cheaters and deceivers are the type of men who are into.

    In the future don't bring men around your kids until you know everything that you need to know about them....And don't let it take 6 years to find that out because they might only let you know what they want you to.
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    May 25, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    Its obviously not easy to sum up 6 years of a relationship in a paragraph in a thread. You give the highs & lows of a situation to get advice on how to handle a situation.

    The man that is my ex did do the things I said, but I obviously wouldnt have stayed with him if he was bad for my son. To be clear I have 3 children. The other 2 are grown. In 20 years this is the 2nd person that ive allowed in or near my childrens lives so I am very protective of who I let in their lives.

    My ex was a good man or I wouldnt have stayed with him or let him around my son. He just wasnt good at keeping his obligations to me, but was a good father figure as many couples deal with in any co-parent relationship when raising children.

  • creature

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    May 25, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenver said
    redbull saidAs many of you know im trying to deal with the break up of my bf & I. We were together 6 yrs. I still believe he was the love of my life even though he lied, cheated & gave me hiv, I know it sounds crazy.


    And this is a guy whom you say has 10 times better personality than me in another thread? So you like that personality and traits. No wonder...

    I really don't have much sympathy for this article. You allowed it to happen, your son was in that dramatic environment...What can you expect? The moment you knew he was "coming to Denver to cheat on you" should have been the moment you let it go.

    He didn't give you HIV. You accepted HIV. When you choose to have unprotected sex that's just the risk one takes. Doesn't matter if it's free, paid, or married sex...it's still sex and one must act accordingly.

    I do feel bad for the son, but not for the father's careless way of allowing a known fool around him. And especially the way you came at me earlier, apparently liars, cheaters and deceivers are the type of men who are into.

    In the future don't bring men around your kids until you know everything that you need to know about them....And don't let it take 6 years to find that out because they might only let you know what they want you to.


    Don't act like a bitch in this type of thread.

    I need to get some sleep. I will dismiss you in the morning.
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    May 25, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    redbull saidAs many of you know im trying to deal with the break up of my bf & I. We were together 6 yrs. I still believe he was the love of my life even though he lied, cheated & gave me hiv, I know it sounds crazy.

    But the good part of this man became a 2nd father figure to my son. He even called my bf "dad". We all went on family vacations together, family reunions together & etc. This man built computers for us, fixed our cars, helped my parents, the list goes on & on. He gave so much to all of us. So much time, love and great loving memories. He was truly the man of my dreams. (except for the bad stuff that i found out about) lol.

    We have been broken up now for almost 5 months. Its been such an emotional battle raging inside of me. He called & we talked a few times afterwards trying to be "friends" but I couldnt do it. I still miss him terribly, i always will but have cut off all communication with him.

    The problem im having now is with my son. We were completely honest & open with my son. He is now 11 yrs old. After the breakup I explained to my son that my ex wouldnt be around anymore....my son says "because yall broke up daddy?" I said yes we did.

    Even so, every single week that I get my son he says "daddy, i miss Isaac" and it rips my heart out. I tell my son that I miss him to & move on to a different subject. My son even sleeps with a stuffed animal my ex gave me. To see him sleeping with it, holding it in his arms breaks my heart.

    What am I supposed to do? Its been hard enough on me trying to get thru this but to hear my son tell me every week for 5 months how much he still misses my bf is killing me. I just dont know what to do, I thought it wouldve stopped by now but it hasnt.


    Hi Redbull,

    I can really empathize with what you are saying. Of course you want to give your son a stable childhood with two parents and all that. You seem to long for your ex back because he brought so much into your life. It seems that his love was the only love you really knew, or at least, it was 'the' love that really defined your love life to date. And perhaps this is why you hold onto it so strongly.

    But I would say that just because it is the 'main' love you've experiened, doesnt mean that it is the only love you WILL experience. If we look at it both logically and emotionally.... yes, you love him and you experienced so many wonderful things with him. But at the same time, he cheated on you and gave you an illness that you will now have to worry about and (unless there is a cure found, which I hope there is!!) deal with forever. That is a serious violation of trust and it shows that he was not willing to man up and say that he was having some kind of trouble in the relationship, in an effort to prevent cheating. He chose to destroy your trust and in the meantime, his actions have/had serious implications for your health.

    My view is that you are mourning... and this is a long and difficult process. However, it will get better over time. You will realize that you can have the life you wanted, even if it means not having him in it. We have to remain flexible in how we define our happiness.... that flexibility helps in our recovery from such difficult falls.

    As far as your son goes... I imagine its so hard to hear that because of how you feel. But I would recommend that you not only let him talk about how he misses your ex, but talk back with him and explain as much as you can. Healthy expression of emotions NOW will really help your son when he is older. I don't know how many clients i've had who 20 years after a difficult experience or trauma say, through their tears, "And I felt like we could never talk about it." That is the best thing that you can give your son... support and open communication.

    The pain of your ex's loss will heal over time. I'm not sure what you've decided in terms of letting your son see him, but maybe letting him see your ex on a regular basis may be helpful to him. I would do this only if you feel your ex is 1. really wanting to be there, and 2. is a very reliable person and 3. if you feel like you can let go enough to allow them to visit etc. It may also give you a sense of ... you are giving your son as much continuity as possible. Again there are conversations to be had.

    I think sometimes you forget how strong you must be to get through this. Betrayal, a breakup, a diagnosis.... rebuilding. This takes TIME. But you are still here! If it helps, maybe some sessions with a therapist near you... http://www.wvdhhr.org/bhhf/questions.asp might be a place to find community based resources for individuals in the state of WV. It looks like there are services for kids too, if you notice that your son starts acting differently, or if you think he might need another outlet to discuss what's going on.

    If you want to discuss more privately, please let me know. All the best buddy! You will get through this.
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    May 25, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    For a brief summary of the point I will make lower, Calibro and GAMrican are absolutely right. It wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to a family councilor, particularly because you want to make sure you're doing everything right by your son, which I believe does not include your getting back with him.

    Additionally, it sounds like you're making excuses for your ex. Forgiveness is one thing. When you get to a point where you can honestly forgive him for doing all of those things to you (and essentially your son, since you're a package deal), you will have such a huge burden lifted from your shoulders. Forgive him. But not now and only after you've had more time to process. Forgive him, but don't forget what he did.

    The longer opinion laden part of the post based solely on what has been written (admittedly I do NOT know the whole story) is offered as a means of helping you gain some perspective and perhaps help you look at the way you're thinking about and approaching this situation. It is all coming from a good place, because I do genuinely think you and your son deserve to be happy in a safe and loving situation.

    In my very, very humble opinion you sound like someone who has been in an abusive relationship. While there has been no indication of physical abuse, you have suffered some pretty severe emotional trauma. He lied to you. He cheated on you. And he gave you HIV, which in itself can be considered a form of assault (if he knowingly had it and didn't disclose it to you and infected you...depending on the laws in your area).

    Breaking everything down, on one level, he broke your trust with his lie(s). Furthermore he broke whatever kind of commitment/agreement he made with you when you began your relationship (and whatever commitments you subsequently made in the following 6 years). He hurt you by cheating on you. He hurt your son by cheating on you and him. He hurt the both of you by giving you HIV. These things cannot be denied, but you're making excuses for them as though they were little issues.

    You need to stop thinking about "us/we/our". This is a time when you need to pull everything back from him and start thinking about you and your son. That's it. There are many, many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships (just google that and you'll see what I mean). NONE of them are good. As I have been told many times, "excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one and the all stink." Making excuses for other people--especially those who have harmed you--is even worse.

    What he's done to you is unacceptable and I think you're better off without him.
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    May 25, 2011 5:26 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    safety43 saidMan i am so sorry to hear that. i feel for u so much big man i mean that 100%, u will make it through u have a wonderful son to focus on and help grow. need to talk hit me up anytime stud.


    This.


    This this this.
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    May 25, 2011 6:04 AM GMT
    What an ass. Still- in this situation, I think it's best that you focus all of your energy on your son, make sure that he knows that it's not his fault for the split, and know that time heals all wounds. I still wish you the best in whatever comes your way, and wish you the best of luck when it comes to recovering from your break-up.