Dad having a hard time with me being gay

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    I mentioned to my dad about possibly meeting guys and he got disgusted and said "Ewww that's gross and weird. I wish you could be normal, it bothers me your so different. Like, nobody's gay why are you? Why don't you just try dating a girl?"

    I didn't know how to approach this or respond... any suggestions?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 25, 2011 12:54 AM GMT
    He sounds like an immature kid.... the idea. I hope you know different.
    If he behaves like that, I wouldn't have a conversation with him about it, go on about your business.

    I'd tell him if he wants to act like a mature, loving "Dad", you'll be happy to talk to him about it.... otherwise, I'd pass.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    May 25, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    I just liquor my dad up and then threaten to tell mom he is drunk. He is pretty agreeable.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    May 25, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    My father called me a faggot when I was 15. By the time he died, he'd gotten over it. People change. Don't think anything emotional is carved in stone. Sometimes, even a good night's sleep turns things completely around.
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    May 25, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    Give it time. That's really all you can do. It helps if your Dad is open-minded and understanding. It sounds like he isn't so all you can really do is allow time do it's thing.

    He'll get over it and be more receptive or he won't. Either way don't living your life because of it.
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    May 25, 2011 1:00 AM GMT
    It will take some time for your dad to get used to the idea. I'm sure he will come around in time. Just be patient with his reactions and response. Even if he disagrees with your lifestyle, but it shows that he cares. If he didn't care about you, who wouldn't give it a single thought or even mention anything. So stay strong and truck through!
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    May 25, 2011 1:00 AM GMT
    If you were bold enough to be out, take it a step further and confront him by making him understand that it's not a choice. Autistic children didn't choose autism. And most decent parents I know say they'd probably love their child even more if they turned out autistic, and I think this applies to gay children as well.

    If your child is gay, you should probably love him/her more.
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    May 25, 2011 1:02 AM GMT
    My Father an I have a difficult relationship. When I was a teenager and struggling with my sexuality he and I fought alot. ending up with him kicking me out. It all came to a head at my grandfather's funeral, where I was forced to come out by my Father's Family. To this day, my Father cannot support me in my life, so he has no place in it. I haven't spoken to him in over two years. It sucks to have to have made this decision, but my Grandmother told me that my sexuality was obvious from when I was a small child, and my father has been distancing himself from me ever since. The way I look at it, is that he's had twenty years to decide to be a good father and he hasn't so why should I force a relationship he obviously doesn't want.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    May 25, 2011 1:04 AM GMT
    My mom had a harder time with me being gay than my dad. Well....In the beginning.

    Now she told me that she told a tranny friend of mine that SHE looked pretty at her sister's wedding.

    Proud moment for me. Mom has come around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    LOL @ "NOBODYS GAY"
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    May 25, 2011 1:52 AM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidI mentioned to my dad about possibly meeting guys and he got disgusted and said "Ewww that's gross and weird. I wish you could be normal, it bothers me your so different. Like, nobody's gay why are you? Why don't you just try dating a girl?"

    I didn't know how to approach this or respond... any suggestions?


    He sounds like the type of person that is going to learn best from you being happy with someone and seeing that. I think his conception of homosexuality probably starts and ends shortly thereafter with anal sex icon_razz.gif He just needs to broaden his understanding and you will both be fine.


    If you aren't that close to him, well, tell him to fuck off icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    The positive perspective on your story is that it sounds like you & him feel comfortable talking about things even if its not what you want to hear.

    So many families decide its something they just dont talk about (being gay). Every one knows but if they "stick their head in the sand" & dont talk about it, then its not really happening.

    If your dad is going to be a man & dish this conversation out like this then I sure as hell would be man enough to dish it right back. This could be an opportunity to explain how you feel, how what he says hurts you & that you demand respect.

    My dad is a decorated vietnam vet marine so when I came out he told me I wasnt welcome in his house. So in turn I told him if he didnt want faggots in his house then I didnt want alcoholics in mine, so I told him he wasnt welcome in my house either, to let him know how it feels to be judged.

    I stood by my word. We didnt speak or see each other for a year. No bdays, no christmas & etc. He finally came around & accepted me & my bf at the time. He even hugged him & told him he loved him after he got to know him, totally blew me away.
  • chepibe

    Posts: 14

    May 25, 2011 1:58 AM GMT
    HANG IN THERE BUDDY
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    May 25, 2011 1:58 AM GMT
    sigh i would have just rolled my eyes in dissapoint at him for not understanding and also for not having his eyes opened.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    I wouldn't be surprised if your dad doesn't come around. Give him some time to adjust to the idea.. My dad wasn't exactly thrilled when intold him I am gay. But now he and my partner talk and email each other as much or more than he and I do.

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    May 25, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    It's been about 10 years since I came out to my family, and we still don't talk about it. My mom did mention a few months ago that I'd better find a "momma's boy" so that she can make sure ahead of time that he'd be nice to her and talk with her, so that's progress I guess, but other than that, I never really saw it as that big of a deal. I've got other gay friends that I talk about gay shit with.

    I'd just say, if he doesn't want to talk about it, don't talk about it with him. If he ever decides he DOES want to talk about it, let him bring it up.
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    May 25, 2011 2:34 AM GMT
    You have to sit down and think about what's going through your dad's head.

    Fathers are competitive with other men, especially regarding kids. They brag about grand kids, colleges, sports, promotions, etc. From what you say, it seems clear your father has this concern. So, what he is really saying may be "it bothers me your so different (from the sons of my friends)"and "Like, nobody's (sons in my social circle are) gay why are you?"

    It's rare when a father tells his buddies that understanding and accepting his gay son is the hallmark of a good father....or better yet...when he realizes that being a father means standing with you, and not tossing you aside in his own desire for social acceptance.

    So, if this the case, maybe you should provide him with examples of fathers who stood beside their sons in challenging times. One example I can think of is Fred Trump. Back in 1990 when Donald Trump was $900 million negative net worth and imploding...reporters tracked down Fred Trump to get his opinion on his son's huge business failures. Fred Trump's actual statement? "Don't worry about Donald, I've watched him all of his life. Donald is a winner and will have no trouble. Times are tough for everyone, but Donald will be the one who ends up on top."

    You can't control what your father will say...but do me a favor, and just imagine you have Fred Trump for a father...and he's saying this about you. So take the statement above, put your name in place of Donald, print it out..and paste it on your bathroom mirror where you can see it. THIS...is the father you deserve...not the one you have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    ouch icon_sad.gif Hard to change ignorance
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 25, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    You can't make people like what they don't... spare yourself the ignorant remarks and just don't bring these things up around him.
  • aaronkei

    Posts: 211

    May 25, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    I would use statistics and explain why people are gay. Explain that he loves women because could not be happy with a man and vice versa.
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    May 25, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    As my screen implies, I’m old so of course dad is much older, but he’s still here.

    I came out a very very long time ago – 1970 to be exact. I was in a gay bar for the first time in June 1970 with a newly minted fake ID. Drinking age for 3.2 beer was 18 so that helped me pull it off. I didn’t come out by choice and it was my drunken partier brother who nudged it along in one big shove.

    My mom didn’t have a huge problem with but my ex military WW II dad got real quiet for a very long time. He didn’t say all much negative about it, but I could tell he was quite bothered by it. The relationship was a bit cold for a decade or so, but over the decades he eventually came around as his frailties of age started catching up with him and slowed him down to give him time to think.

    He saw that I was the same guy that I always was, working on cars, drag racing, at the firing range and the hard core conservative he always knew. I was back here quite a bit over the last several years trying to make for the time lost because I was in California for 30 years. I got home once a year for Christmas and that was about it. I never gave him a chance to get to know me again. As the years passed, I knew my time was short, but by how much, only God knows.

    I took him to Bush book signing at Wright Patterson AFB and it was so sad to put him in a wheelchair because he couldn't stand that long. He said he can't go at all to Dick Cheney's tour. I'll be there for him and pick up two, for him and me. I'm sure the former VP won't mind at all.

    I never could stay still long enough to take up golf, which my dad loved to play so six or seven years ago I took lessons and got OK at it pretty fast. I learned just in time before he got too frail to play anymore. We had a couple summers of good times out playing 18 holes and laughing our butts off at some of the stupid shots we’d make. Those are good times and so very well worth. Now he’s too old and frail.

    He’s 88 in a couple of weeks and likely won’t see 89 so I’m glad I came back. I know it’s been difficult for him as it has been for me many times. They need me here now, but still they will never ask for a thing. I help anyway that I can as they can’t survive on their own. We want to keep them the family home as long as possible so I'm needed here

    I glad I stuck with it because you never know when that ‘second or third or fourth chance’ will be taken away. So don’t give up on your old folks. It just takes a while, but they’ll come around – they really will. Just don’t wait too long as time does take its toll, and too late will truly be too late.
  • Mepark

    Posts: 806

    May 25, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    I'm sorry about your situation with your dad, but I wouldn't have that kind of conversation with him: "meeting up guys." They don't want to hear that and nothing will change their mind. When I told my dad, we didn't speak for months. Today we couldn't be closer, UNLESS I bring up the gay subject again. He just doesn't want to know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    wow.. he seems immature, stubborn, and ignorant all in that one bit..
    i dont know what to say. i have no father so i dont have to deal with it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 3:38 AM GMT
    heybreaux saidJust tell him you are masculine and straight acting, works with the gays...icon_biggrin.gif



    --------------------------------------------

    LOFL!icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    "I am what I am. And, I love you anyway...even when you say things that hurt me."

    Then put some distance between yourself and him for the time being and go do the things that happy people do. Let him ponder and work this through on his own stuff at his own pace. It doesn't sound like he's at the "acceptance" phase yet. He must accept you the way you are, or he will miss out on a great relationship with his son. It's his choice.

    Also, if your other family members are supportive of you, then go spend time with them. Family can have a way of working things through with each other. Sometimes it takes a third, or fourth family member to bridge the "Great Divide".

    Consider checking out the book "Boundary Spanning Leadership" for ideas on how to address the need for identity of self, and belonging to the larger whole. There might be some ideas on how to start the conversation to create mutual understanding and heal the rift between the two of you.