Relationship advice

  • hunkseekeer

    Posts: 6

    May 25, 2011 6:05 PM GMT
    This may qualify as more of a rant than me seeking advice but if there is anyone out there who can help, please do not hold back.

    The first thing you must know is that I am in my early twenties and my boyfriend is in his late thirties. Despite everything, I do love him, and I believe him when he tells me he loves me. The problem is that our definitions of love are VERY different. Love to me means you never want to do anything to hurt the other person (physically or emotionally), it means you are willing to tell each other anything about you, and it means you enjoy the thought of spending the rest of your lives together. I realize this is a very fairytale like view of things but anything in the ballpark would be acceptable. My boyfriend is not this way at all.

    I have known my boyfriend was cheating on me for some time. But I never could get together enough proof to actually confront him about it, and I knew he would deny everything until the bitter end and take the secret to his grave without solid evidence. So a week ago I found the proof I needed and confronted him. He eventually and unwillingly admitted to the deed. Within minutes he began to blame me for his urges to sleep with others, and a half hour later it was up to me to either forgive and forget and never bring it up again or he would hold the door open and watch me walk away from the relationship.

    Like I said before, I do believe he loves me but he is so damn proud with the "alpha male" attitude that I have to be the level headed one and do whatever it takes to keep us floating. I know its what he wants but hell will freeze over before he says anything like, "I want you to stay."

    I realize sex is just a small part of the relationship but I view cheating as unforgivable. Especially when he did very little to convince me he was sorry. I know he is sorry, but admitting that is impossible for him. I also believe our age gap has a lot to do with it. No one about to turn forty wants to have someone in their twenties tell them what to do and what/who not to do.

    Eventually these feelings will build and I will have to say something again. On that day the sky will darken and the aftershocks will be felt in Australia. I just don't know what to do...
    Resentment will soon overpower love...
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    May 25, 2011 6:11 PM GMT
    there is an expression that says in relationships, one person is the garden and the other is the gardener. in other words, one person takes care of the relationship. if it works for you, that's fine.

    it sounds like you are the one doing all the giving here. is he "keeping" you? that's the only way in which this scenario seems plausible.

    you have different visions of your garden regardless of who is tending it. you are not merging visions. he's planted a weed in the garden. it's a passive aggressive way of forcing the other person to end things.

    i'd walk. i'd rather be alone.
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    May 25, 2011 7:06 PM GMT
    I agree with Bambino. I'd rather walk alone.

    There is no excuse for his emotional abuse. Boyfriends must treat each other with EQUAL respect, no matter the age or financial differences.
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    May 26, 2011 3:21 AM GMT
    Leave him don't look back is what I'd say you should do (like two guys before me). Seems to be kind of immature for his age, although in his defense some guys stay immature all their life so...
  • hunkseekeer

    Posts: 6

    May 26, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    And on top of all that we are now going through a list of his fantasies in an effort to spice up our sex life so he doesn't feel the need to cheat anymore. I spent 20 minutes describing things I would like to do but he wasn't a fan of any of them. The next day I spent 2 hours decorating the room to match his fantasy under the pretenses that he would be helping. One of his fantasies was fulfilled, he had a great time, and he probably thinks I wouldn't have done that if I haven't forgiven him.

    I have taken the first step towards fixing OUR relationship... I fear I will wait in vain a very long time for him to take the second.

    I know I should give up on him but I am too emotionally invested, and 80% of the time he is a great guy. I have only shared the other 20% because that is what I need help with.

    Is there anyone else out there who has overcome a situation like this?
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    May 26, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend is not ethical or honest; you don't have to be a doormat and I recommend walking.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    May 26, 2011 9:56 PM GMT
    Dude...after reading this I feel you answered your own question......You know he will continue to fuck around and you know in the depths of your soul you can't take it....You can love someone but that doesn't always mean to can live with them....Leave him....take time to heal...look for that guy who will see ya as his everything...Do it cause you deserve it....BUD
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 26, 2011 10:28 PM GMT
    Dearest Hunkseeker,

    You are not responsible for his repair. You are responsible for your health and happiness. To attempt to fix him, or even wait it out for him to repair himself is an act of self-sabotage. You deserve more balance.

    When 20% of the relationship is given over to one person to be 100% responsible for it, then the imbalance is such that you are now left with a negative 40% of a partner. The time has come to leave him to his own devices and to walk away and heal before the deficit grows intolerable (although, I have to say that your tolerance for even this much disrespect and manipulation is near epic!.)

    He is not going to change. You may see yourself as the 'level headed' partner, but that's not a very healthy role to have to play 100% of the time - or even more than 50% of the time. That's absurdly imbalanced. Unless you're truly happy with him lying, cheating, and emotionally manipulating you through blame and other cruel mind-games, you cannot afford to stay in a relationship as seriously disrespectful of your worth as this one would appear, based on what you wrote.

    I regret to have to urge you to do so, but truly, brother, leave. Do not look back in hope of saving him from his own lies. He will pull you under with him, and rob you of things very difficult, if not impossible to reclaim.

    Move on and take this lesson with you into a relationship where you are truly an valued, equal partner.

    xo

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    May 27, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidDearest Hunkseeker,

    You are not responsible for his repair. You are responsible for your health and happiness. To attempt to fix him, or even wait it out for him to repair himself is an act of self-sabotage. You deserve more balance.

    When 20% of the relationship is given over to one person to be 100% responsible for it, then the imbalance is such that you are now left with a negative 40% of a partner. The time has come to leave him to his own devices and to walk away and heal before the deficit grows intolerable (although, I have to say that your tolerance for even this much disrespect and manipulation is near epic!.)

    He is not going to change. You may see yourself as the 'level headed' partner, but that's not a very healthy role to have to play 100% of the time - or even more than 50% of the time. That's absurdly imbalanced. Unless you're truly happy with him lying, cheating, and emotionally manipulating you through blame and other cruel mind-games, you cannot afford to stay in a relationship as seriously disrespectful of your worth as this one would appear, based on what you wrote.

    I regret to have to urge you to do so, but truly, brother, leave. Do not look back in hope of saving him from his own lies. He will pull you under with him, and rob you of things very difficult, if not impossible to reclaim.

    Move on and take this lesson with you into a relationship where you are truly an valued, equal partner.

    xo




    That'll preach. You are worth more than that...
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    May 27, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    wow. Reading this really breaks my heart.

    I know you're so in love right now that the thought seems impossible, but you deserve better.

    Do you believe that too? Don't define your version of love and then try to defend the fact that he doesn't have the same. That from the very beginning is very a good set up for disaster. This guy is selfish, cocky, and doesn't care about your feelings. What sucks even more is that he does terrible things and tries to eat your own self-esteem by blaming you for it.

    Run while you can and someday you will find a guy that will give you the world. You just have to have the patience and the self love to go through with walking away from this relationship and living life alone for a bit.
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    May 27, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    You made an interesting comment that 80% of the time, he is good, but 20% of the time he isn't. You can't compartmentalize individuals. It's 100% him, and that is who he is.

    The question is not about investment of time and effort, nor is it about the definition of love. This has little to do with him, and all to do with you. You have to examine what boundaries you will and will not accept. Does your self-esteem come into play?

    If this was happening to your best friend,.. would you tell him or her to stay?
    You cannot and should not change anyone. You should always change things for yourself. If you are not happy, then you have the onus to take on the challenge to make things better for yourself. You were fine before he came along and will be fine after.

    I've gone through similar situations. Most recently, I found out my ex cheated on me. I was madly in love. There was no one else but him. It took much time for me to realize that I could never walk forward if i was always looking back. The challenge of realizing I deserved better seemed more like an obstacle than a challenge, but i accepted the challenged and months later.. he is out of my life, and i have moved on. It wasn't easy. I realized how when with him I would always wonder if he would be faithful, and if i stayed with him, id think the same.

    In the end, the advice others seem to be giving you on here is solid. Why settle for partial success when you can meet someone to really make you happy in every way possible.

    The mere fact that you found out about him and he began to blame you says a lot. Can u imagine... having to feel as if you are responsible for his actions. You are not. You are though responsible for your happiness.

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    May 27, 2011 4:32 PM GMT
    I wouldn't necessarily agree with everyone here IF he made any attempt to communicate with you. If he were not happy with you then he should have sat down with you and the two of you worked out the issues, that's what a relationship is about. He didn't do that and he continues to remain quiet about what it is he wants. Yes, you think you're in love but that will fade as you struggle with the intimacies that you're not getting or his lack of honesty and understanding of the boundaries you've both drawn. I suspect that your love is really more lust and desire to have someone in your life at this point. What you'll find someday when you find someone that truly loves and respects YOU, is really what love is.

    I'm with the rest, pack your things and move on. Tell him that his lack of openness and commitment to you is not acceptable. Maybe after thinking about what he lost, he'll recognize his pitfalls for the next relationship. Good luck.