Friends after you break up ??(My situation)

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    May 26, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    Hey I'm sure there are like a million posts on this ! But I need to know if this is possible ! My "ex" thinks it is ! To break up with me today and go have coffee as "friends" what does he really want from me ! I don't know I'm confused !! I do wanna stay his friend but he always claims that guys that don't rmain friends with their exes are jerk faces! What do I do?
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    May 26, 2011 5:36 AM GMT
    Some of it has to do with the reasoning of breaking up
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    May 26, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    My ex and I are friends, but when the break up first occured it was not easy. He and I had been arguing a lot about the smallest things, and so I decided that it would be best to cut ties (relationship wise). However, the story surrounding our relationship is huge - we came out to each other first, were friends for a year before, etc. -

    Anyway, I was the one who had told him I wanted to remain friends, and he was greatly confused by the whole situation. Just because I felt that we were no longer compatible for a relationship, did/does not mean I don't feel that we can be great friends.

    Keep in mind though, in situations like this, it is hard to take the steps back and know which lines to not cross; and to also figure out a way of communicating in which you are comfortable.
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    May 26, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    it's possible, but it's never the same.

    you can be better friends than you ever would have been.

    it also depends on how long you were together.
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    May 26, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    The important point is, can YOU process the end of your relationship if you stay friends, at least for now? Or will seeing him drive you nuts or - even worse - keep you from really and truly accepting that's its over, from moving on with your love life? If that's the case, there is nothing wrong with saying that you don't want to be friends now.

    Sounds like it's way, way too soon. He wants to be absolved from his own bad feelings arising from having broken up with you. That's not your job.
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    May 26, 2011 4:46 PM GMT
    Thanx everyone for the support ! It is killing me when he texts like nothinghas happened and meets me for coffee and sit and talk about everything else but us ! Its mighty confusing! But hope I figure it out soon !!
  • havingfunmtl9...

    Posts: 258

    May 26, 2011 4:52 PM GMT
    Unfortunately I think that in cases like this there is a significant difference in how people feel about each other. My ex and I broke up and he asked to still be friends and be a part of my life... I don't believe in doing that kind of thing so I said no thank you - even though it hurt a lot. I feel that cutting the line is a lot easier on both than dragging your past feelings and current feelings around like a ball and chain. Some people can be friends and some cant... but don't let him pressure you into it if you don't think you can be friends. I knew I couldn't so I didn't and I think he probably hates me for it. Life - it happens!
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    May 26, 2011 4:54 PM GMT
    It's hard to tell... I've had 2 different results from trying to be friends with an ex. My ex-partner of 3 years and I broke up on good terms, and are still friends to this day. He's funny and smart as hell and gives great advice. While on the other hand, I had a short flightsy relationship with another guy who ripped my heart out, told me I wasn't good enough for him; and then I pretty much lost my mind and got depression over... we started talking again as friends, had sex(the big mistake) and then he wanted to be my boyfriend finally, but out of complete irremovable fear of getting my heartbroken again; I had to say No, over and over again until he was insulted enough by the almighty ultimatum to stay or go. Haven't spoke since thankfully. I'm feeling better about myself and he's off finding another heart to break or another way to stay broken within himself.
    I had a point... go for it! Try to be friends with everyone of your exes you deem worthy enough of it. If things go wrong, then so be it. The guy before has nothing to do with the guys you've got yet to meet. I still believe I can be friends with some of my exes. Just the same it is being friends with anyone. Either you or can't.
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    May 26, 2011 4:57 PM GMT
    It varies. I have had a case where we broke up and we actually became better friends. Still talk all the time and hang-out, just no intimate feelings/sex.

    It was better for us because we worked better that way (or because our sex drives were polar opposite).

    To get to the point, it is possible, you just need to make sure :
    (1) You want and think you will benefit from a friendship of this person
    (2) They feel the same way
    (3) There aren't lingering feelings of affection or despite between you

    The above is rare, so don't become "friends" just because that's what people say when they break-up.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 26, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    It really depends on why you broke up.

    I think a 'mourning period' is usually called for in order to adjust to the new relationship.
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    May 26, 2011 5:02 PM GMT
    I say you stay friends with him. I personally am friends with all my ex bf's and have never regretted it. One of them I talk to every single day, and he lives across the nation!! It's not being hung up, or continuing something that is dead, because clearly something went wrong that relationships won't work for the two of you. It doesn't mean you can't make an amazing friendship work. Just be sure to communicate clearly, and make the distinction of friend, and boyfriend, Good luck!
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    May 26, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    Zimboi123 saidHey I'm sure there are like a million posts on this ! But I need to know if this is possible ! My "ex" thinks it is ! To break up with me today and go have coffee as "friends" what does he really want from me ! I don't know I'm confused !! I do wanna stay his friend but he always claims that guys that don't rmain friends with their exes are jerk faces! What do I do?



    I'd say the most common reason is that an ex wants to quickly switch to a friendship is that he wants to still have sex from time to time.
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    May 26, 2011 5:28 PM GMT
    van_can said
    Zimboi123 saidHey I'm sure there are like a million posts on this ! But I need to know if this is possible ! My "ex" thinks it is ! To break up with me today and go have coffee as "friends" what does he really want from me ! I don't know I'm confused !! I do wanna stay his friend but he always claims that guys that don't rmain friends with their exes are jerk faces! What do I do?



    I'd say the most common reason is that an ex wants to quickly switch to a friendship is that he wants to still have sex from time to time.


    Agreed; though not always the case.
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    May 26, 2011 7:12 PM GMT
    [quote]


    I'd say the most common reason is that an ex wants to quickly switch to a friendship is that he wants to still have sex from time to time. [/quote].

    Yes ! And I think this is the reason why he may want to stay or the thing I fear the most! We did not break up on bad terms no1 fought or cheated ! It was kinda mutualistic ! I fear when he comes to my place for a coffee or a drink then I won't be able to trust myself around him !I do not want to have sex with this guy because I will still be too attached to him !!

    He is a good guy and gets me but I do agree that I may need a mourning period ,but I know this will upset him !thanks for all the advise really need it right now !!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    I think you should remain friends. Relationships are far too precious to say goodbye forever.
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    May 27, 2011 1:11 PM GMT
    It is possible, I've seen people pull it off, but it is not for everyone. And people can tell you their own personal experiences and say hey you can do it too, but its not always true.

    I'm actually a firm believer that when someone is important to you, it shouldn't change just because you broke up. And I worked very hard to try to maintain a friendship with my ex and was actually enjoying it as odd and awkward as it was at first,

    but what made me finally just let go altogether yesterday was because 4 days ago my Ex's new bf went to visit his ex (the one he broke up with to be with my ex) and he didn't call my ex and ended up spending the night. My ex became very depressed and contacted me and told me all these issues he was having with his new guy, how his new guy couldn't keep him hard and he was only able to have sex with him by thinking about me and how he thought his new bf was sleeping with his ex, that his new bf was becomming distant and he was tired of it and missed me and if things didn't work out between the two of them if we could get back together.

    I wrote him back concerned and told him maybe he shouldn't put all his eggs in his new bf's basket, and that if he was experiencing these things, maybe he should continue searching around before he was so set on o e person, especially on account of we haven't been broken up for even a month yet so he's kind of moving too fast.

    He wrote me back really defensive, said his new bf wasn't cheating on him he was just scared of how much they cared for each other and it was really deep and he wrote out all of these comparisons between the two of us how his new bf's bad day is nothing compared to my bad day, how he can handle the distance after dealing with someone like me, and said he was just trying to make me feel better to boost my self esteem and he actually enjoys having sex with his new bf more than me and just a bunch of other really mean stuff.

    Basically, I'm assuming he and his bf must have had a heart to heart and suddenly everything he said went out the window and he needed to desperately make things right by undoing the things that he'd said. Why he had to be so nasty about it? I have no idea and its something I wouldn't take from a bf, an ex, or a friend.

    But what I'm getting at is, I would loved for us to have a healthy friendship, but that was a clear warning sign of things to come. Last thing I need is him and bf getting into an argument and he shows up at my new place trying to fuck me. I had to let it go. I learned a valuable lesson. Know when to let go. Don't compromise yourself for the sake of being kind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2011 8:44 AM GMT
    Dan Savage explains taking a many months long break between the loverzone and friend zone http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRU3S_Z5MQ
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    May 30, 2011 9:12 AM GMT
    van_can said
    Zimboi123 saidHey I'm sure there are like a million posts on this ! But I need to know if this is possible ! My "ex" thinks it is ! To break up with me today and go have coffee as "friends" what does he really want from me ! I don't know I'm confused !! I do wanna stay his friend but he always claims that guys that don't rmain friends with their exes are jerk faces! What do I do?



    I'd say the most common reason is that an ex wants to quickly switch to a friendship is that he wants to still have sex from time to time.


    This has to be a poor attempt at a joke.

    Being able to be friends with your ex shows emotional maturity. Just because the two of you broke up doesn't mean that the guy you were dating suddenly lost the qualities that you found attractive in him when you were dating. If you think he's a great guy outside a romantic setting, then stay in touch as friends.

    Sometimes you might not want to stay friends with your ex. If he was abusive, cheated on you, or he has issues and genuinely doesn't want the best for you then you're better off with him out of your life.
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    May 30, 2011 9:20 AM GMT
    My ex and I broke up 2 months into our year-long lease. We've kinda had no choice but to remain friends, plus we're so compatible in that regard it would be difficult for us to not be on good terms. So YES, OP, it is quite possible.
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    May 30, 2011 9:42 AM GMT
    It's possible but I think the biggest factors are how long you were together and how you met and how you both think of a relationship.

    For my ex-boyfriend our friendship developed in the context of a relationship. We didn't have anything to fall back on after we broke up. He tried the "I want to be friends" thing but before my foot was even out the door he was making plans to move and never see me again. From my perspective it's childish. But, when I think of relationships I think of them in very functional and purpose driven. I don't think I'm in a relationship because of some abstract fairy tale romanticism. So, its easier for me to acknowledge that this isn't the person I want to be closest to me for the rest of my life, but we can still salvage the parts of our friendship that is good.

    Of course now I'm transitioning to the pissed phase because he just up and moved 800 miles away without even saying a word to me. It kind of cheapens the being together for two years if you can just drop someone and never see them again.
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    May 30, 2011 10:47 AM GMT
    Ermine saidBeing able to be friends with your ex shows emotional maturity. Just because the two of you broke up doesn't mean that the guy you were dating suddenly lost the qualities that you found attractive in him when you were dating. If you think he's a great guy outside a romantic setting, then stay in touch as friends.

    Sometimes you might not want to stay friends with your ex. If he was abusive, cheated on you, or he has issues and genuinely doesn't want the best for you then you're better off with him out of your life.

    Co-sign.
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    May 30, 2011 11:08 AM GMT
    Sounds like you need more time away from so he can grow some. Its not your fault. He wants to be a friend with you cause you he knows you're a good person to keep around. Yet, he doesn't want to lose you as a friend. If you can't handle it, maybe you should give it more time apart if emotions are still too close. If he acts like it was nothing but you feel like it was something, don't hurt yourself intentionally, give yourself the necessary time or do something that would distract you from memories.