in love with straight friend

  • c0ry88knight

    Posts: 7

    Apr 11, 2008 7:03 AM GMT
    im absolutely madly in love with one of my straight best friends? he is kinda a hippie.....so he is big on love and compassion and spirituality...which makes me love him even more because i can always go to him when i need help. honestly he is everything i could want in a guy. my dream guy...if u will. i know a lot of people say jus try to convert him or what ever, but this isnt just some guy who i want to risk loosing as a friend. he is much too valuable to me even as just a friend to make a risk like that. i almost feel like he is "the one". there isnt one thing i dislike about him. but i just dont know what to do. its very painful to have these feelings about someone i know ill never be with. ive been thinking about ending our friendship jus to end the pain....but i dont know. what would u do? and keep in mind that this is one of the most important friends of your life....not someone u want to be reckless with and risk loosing as a friend by doing something drastic.
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    Apr 11, 2008 11:15 AM GMT
    If you know he is heterosexual, respect it. As you said, the friendship's much too valuable to lose.

    Don't worry, a lot of us have been there too. I have been. It was sad icon_cry.gif, but I got over it. icon_razz.gif

    Are you out to him yet? If you are and he doesn't make advances, you should be ready to face the fact that some things just aren't meant to be. Blame it on the numbers icon_sad.gif
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    Apr 11, 2008 3:56 PM GMT
    I would suggest you think carefully about the future of your friendship in a case such as you are describing. If your friend is straight, and you make any sort of advances, you could lose him completely. I know how you feel, I think. I had just such a situation with a best friend when I was in college. I had nobody to talk with about it (no R.J. either!) and I did the wrong thing - making an untoward advance which ended the friendship. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did, and lose your friend. It may be painful not to be "closer" to him - but wouldn't you rather have him still in your life platonically than not at all? It is tough - but good luck!
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Apr 11, 2008 4:06 PM GMT
    Who hasn't been through this? It's one of our gay rites of passage I think. Best not to pursue it. If you can't let go of the feelings, you may have to let the relationship go, because a truly straight guy is not going to handle this well on a long term basis. Neither will your psyche...

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    Apr 11, 2008 4:18 PM GMT
    jarhead5536 saidWho hasn't been through this?


    Definitely. icon_rolleyes.gif All the straight, desirable guys should be gay, the women can deal with the rotten eggs icon_razz.gif

    If the feelings are that strong maybe it would best to end the friendship. If not, go out and try and meet some guys to, if nothing else, distract you a bit. Your profile says you don't have any gay friends (offline anyway) - maybe that's something you should look into fixing. Maybe the feelings will lessen and you'll be able to return to a normal friendship. You're obviously very good friends with him so it probably would be folly to make any advances because rejection is not a good boost to your self-esteem.
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    Apr 11, 2008 4:23 PM GMT
    Don't go there!
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    Apr 11, 2008 4:32 PM GMT
    convert him? lol. That sounds absurd. You can't make somebody gay. I can relate to what you are saying .It's happened to me oooh to many times in my life, but the question I have for you is does he know that you are gay? Because if he knows you are gay and is cool with it and accepts you as you are then your friendship with him is so much more important than a relationship. I think that if he is the kind of person that feels things like you say he does then maybe you should tell him how you feel jsut so you can get it off of your chest and if he doesn't have any feelings then so be it, bu this doesn't seem like the kind of person that would just push you away like that, althoug there are many like that. I think maybe instead of looking to him as a potential lover you should look to him as a friend because that is what he is. If you keep doing that then eventually you will jsut think of him as a friend.
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    Apr 11, 2008 5:14 PM GMT
    Ditto on the gay right of passage. Most of us have been there, myself included. All the previous posters are right.

    Best case scenario: you buck up and struggle with this by yourself until you can get over these feelings. Almost always, this involves finding another outlet for these feelings (i.e. another person -- preferably... uh... NOT STRAIGHT).

    Middling scenario: you explain your difficulties to this friend if they become unmanageable for you. While mature guys can often deal with this, it almost always introduces tension in the relationship that changes it, and starts to slowly erode it.

    Worst scenario: you make a move on him or something. This always ends bad. It's unrequited love/lust of the worst kind -- and you're playing the worst of the two bad roles.

    So... looking at the options, they ALL suck, but the first one is the least sucky. I was able to make that one work for me, and this guy and I are still very very good friends. He's married with kids now, I'm out, and I'm a favorite uncle who gets to have fun with his kids, and gets along great with his wife. As close to happily ever after you could get. Looking back at it, there was a year where I suffered, but I've got 16 more where I had an amazing friend. And no, I never told him what I was going back then. It's almost irrelevant now.

    I'm telling you all this not because "it's all about me" (altho of course, it is icon_smile.gif, but because it's an example of a path that can be taken that will give you long term rewards at the cost of short term pain.

    K
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    Apr 11, 2008 5:26 PM GMT
    You're not alone in your unreciprocated love. There are tons of tons of guys here who've fallen for the right boy, except he's straight as a straw (and not the bending kind). It's tough to come to this realization, but if you still want him as a friend you will EVENTUALLY get over him.

    Keep spending time together. Keep acting like the close friends that you are, and don't let your love become obvious. If he is the "one" for you, he will eventually figure it out. And, with a little help, he'll probably come after you!

    But, if not, then you've still got a great friend who you can confide in. And there's never anything wrong with that. Especially if he makes good eye-candy. :-D
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    Apr 11, 2008 5:47 PM GMT
    OCsnwbordr88 saidive been thinking about ending our friendship jus to end the pain....but i dont know.

    Whatever you do, don't do that!

    I think we've all been in that situation. I certainly have. I was madly in love with one of my straight friends. Thought many times about trying to make it something more.

    But in the end, his friendship was worth too much for me to jeopardize it.

    We are still the best of friends today and the agony of wanting to make it something romantic has waned over time. It's something you come to accept.

    Today I can't tell you how much his friendship means to me. All the more because we've been friends for so many years now. We get closer and closer as every year goes by. It's an amazingly close relationship that's by far better and more meaningful than any romantic relationship I've ever had.

    So yes, in a way, he's "the one" for me, only it's a platonic relationship. And I'm OK with that. A great relationship is about more than sex anyway.
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    Apr 11, 2008 5:56 PM GMT
    I can relate to this so much.

    There was a time when I had strong feelings for my best friend. He is a hottie(should see how girls react to him lol) and has a very good soul. At one point I did wish that he was gay also so that I might be able to try my hand at a relationship with him. I am quite sure he knows I am smiten with him too *blush*.

    Today, he is still my best friend in the world. I can talk to him any time I need and he'll listen. I find comfort in knowing that he is there for me and I am there for him no matter what happens. I also consider him more then just a friend now, he is like a brother to me. We don't always have the same interests, which is fine, but that doesn't hamper our relationship in the least. I have also come to see his girlfriend(who is my best female friend too lol) as a little sister.

    So I would definatly go with the option of NOT ending the friendship, but also keep in mind why you feel this way about him. It is what makes having him as a friend worthwhile.
  • c0ry88knight

    Posts: 7

    Apr 11, 2008 6:53 PM GMT
    ya he knows im gay. he is really awesome about it. i never had any intentions of pursuing him.....i jus didnt know how to make the feelings go away because even tho im not pursuing him, im still acting kinda "clingy", which still could push him away. just hanging out with him is enough to satisfy me. but ya i agree that i do need to find someone else to occupy these same feelings. im jus a very picky person and i was surprised when i found out he was a perfect match for me.....cept that he was straight. ahaha. time to keep lookin a guess. ill still never let him go as a friend tho. he always says he loves me so i dont want to throw away the bond that we do have.
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    Apr 11, 2008 6:55 PM GMT
    OCsnwbordr88 saidhe always says he loves me ...

    Well, he's certainly not making it any easier on you, is he?
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    Apr 11, 2008 7:00 PM GMT
    Sounds like the perfect guy. Too bad he's straight and you're gay. LOL. Don't go ruining the friendship with these selfish desires. That's tacky and what would that really say about you in the long run? This is one of the curve balls that life loves to throw at you with high spped and accuracy. Don't stike out and lose the game, buddy.

    Except the fact you can't have him the way you want to have him and move on. He'll still be there as a friend and valued you at that.
  • c0ry88knight

    Posts: 7

    Apr 11, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    Global_Citizen said[quote][cite]OCsnwbordr88 said[/cite]he always says he loves me ...

    Well, he's certainly not making it any easier on you, is he?[/quote]

    well thats one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. like i said he is kinda a hippie so he is huuuge on love. he always says he loves to love and loves to be loved and that just because you love someone, doesnt mean you have to be "In love" with them. so he is always being openly affectionate towards me just to let me know he still cares. i know he isnt gay or bi at all either......he is just a very deep and spiritual person. we're both kinda philosophers. haha
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    Apr 11, 2008 7:18 PM GMT
    I think it's great you have such a wonderful friend... but you really need to put some distance between yourself and him because the situation is not healthy for you.
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    Apr 11, 2008 7:55 PM GMT
    OCsnwbordr88 saidhe always says he loves to love and loves to be loved and that just because you love someone, doesnt mean you have to be "In love" with them. so he is always being openly affectionate towards me just to let me know he still cares. i know he isnt gay or bi at all either......he is just a very deep and spiritual person.

    I know exactly what you mean. My best friend is very much the same way. I love him and everything he brings to our friendship profoundly. I've come to the place where I love him, but I don't need that to include having sex with him.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Apr 11, 2008 8:02 PM GMT
    We've all been there. It's tough, but you have to get over it. Good friendships like that are hard to find in this world. Don't throw it away for what could be a very fleeting moment.

    Go out and meet gay guys who CAN return the same feelings as you. It's not fair to yourself to yearn for something that will never come.

    It may take a long time, but you'll be fine.
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    Apr 11, 2008 8:24 PM GMT
    I've got the exact same situation with my str8 best friend too, with one HUGE difference (no, not that, eyes up for a sec hehe).

    He and I are very intimate without it getting sexual, not even close. I'm deeply in love with him BUT I'm not attracted to him sexually AT ALL. We hug hello and goodbye, sometimes even kiss goodbye. We sleep in the same bed all the time, and if we touch in bed, its nothing, he's even cuddled me (until I get my morningwood lol). We joke around all the time how much he wishes I was a chick, and I tell him it would be easier for him to be gay. We tell each other we love each other in every email. Neither one of us grew up with a brother, so I imagine this is what having one is like.

    Honestly, its the best "relationship" I've ever had in my life, and it's stayed just as tight even though he's now married and I live 1000 miles away. My heart aches missing his friendship/presence since I've moved to Austin, but I would never ever consider it as a "gay" thing. I've had a couple boyfriends over the years and he has always been so respectful and kind to them, and his wife adores me too.

    So I'm not even sure what my point is here, maybe that gay and str8 dudes can be best friends without any sexual hang-ups, tension or roadblocks. And if you're truly open with your bud about your feelings, it might just make your relationship stronger if you approach it the right way, especially if its a sincere friendship.

    OK, with that said, I need to make a phone call...

    icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 11, 2008 8:35 PM GMT
    Socali: you two are very lucky to have that!

    *bites fingers a bit too hard*

    K
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    Apr 11, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    I can relate. But for me it was just a crush or I wanted something I know I just couldnt have. It will pass. I look back at all my friends and wonder how I could ever look at them in a sexual way.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Apr 11, 2008 10:19 PM GMT
    Aw socali, that's cute. My best friend and I are about the same. We consider each other brothers and would die for each other. He's moving to NC for grad school in August, so I'll be able to relate to you in that regard.

    Having friendships like that are PRICELESS.
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    Apr 11, 2008 11:28 PM GMT
    oh brother, I feel for you. I've been right where you are now. Every situation is different but if he has a history of straight serious relationships the whole notion of conversion is a disaster waiting to happen. I've been in the unfortunate situation of things going farther then they should have under the influence of alcohol. I am still blamed for that to this day, even though he was a more then willing participant. You have to either learn to live with the fact that you will never be anything more then friends, or you have to take a break from him until you can accept that, or you can choose to end the friendship, but that would be pretty unfair to him. In the end only you know what you can tolerate. Most likely in time your lives will take you in different directions, and he will become less influential in your life, and you less influential in his. When this starts to happen the intensity of this will subside and you may very well find yourself not even interested, saying to yourself man what did I see in him. As hard as this is for you to imagine at this point, there is a damn good chance it will happpen that way. I do feel your pain though bro, the details you shared are scary similar. The deep spiritual connection and a deep spiritual love for each other made things all the harder but yet easier at the same time, which probably makes no sense to you at all. There is a mutual recognition of the deeply spirtual and loving connection that we share, but I am very much away that this is a best friend type of relationship and it will never be anything more. Even that has lost its intensity as our lives have taken different directions. But still to this day, there is that meeting of eyes that both of us know and somewhere deep in the craziness of it all there seems like there is something there that should be but will never be. One cannot continue to drive themselves crazy or sick over it, you have to find the strength to move past it somehow. Anyway I know where you're at bro, and yes it sucks, but this too shall pass if you give it time.
  • morholt

    Posts: 57

    Apr 11, 2008 11:47 PM GMT
    I have to thank everyone who has replied to this tread... I also am going through the same situation. This is the best friend I ever had, totally straight, very affectionate with each other (non sexually). He tells me he loves me all the time and I know he means it as a brother/best bud... He knows I'm gay and is totally ok with it. Even though the mad infatuation has died down a bit, I still have stong romantic feelings toward him. I agree with most of you guys, the friendship is way more important than trying to make this into something that it will never be. We truly are like brothers and conections like that seldom happen if ever. I'm very, very fortunate to have him in my life (I have to say, he's lucky to have me as well). I kwow now that I will eventually get completly over the romantic feelings and I will stil have my best bud.Thanks guys...
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    Apr 12, 2008 3:41 PM GMT
    Any card carrying gay man will undoubtedley encounter this scenario to some degree at one point or another. I guess I value all quality relationships. Strong relationships/connections are rare, unique and should be handled wisely. This includes friendships as well as committed loving partnerships. You have a great friendship with a very sweet guy who accepts you and cares about you. That's awesome. Don't ruin it. He's STRAIGHT and you're GAY... He is not really your dream guy. And in trying to go down that road you will likely come out without a relationship of any kind with him since you will have violated an aspect of trust and mutual respect with him. Your pursuit of anything more than friendship with a straight friend is merely a selfish attempt at filling another set of needs and desires in your life with someone else who would benefit little. I'm assuming that you are single and looking for a relationship. When you actually find a proper gay partner, most likely with qualities similar to your friend plus all of the spark and magnetism of true gay love you will no longer yearn for your friend as much as you do now and you will have maintained the friendship as well as fulfilled the other needs you have in your life. Don't focus on the pain you're feeling. That comes from you and not your friend. If you end the friendship for that reason you are going to end up regretting it.