Trying to date a guy who feels the need to sleep with other people. Please help!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2011 6:40 AM GMT
    I recently met a guy who seems like a great person and I feel very attracted to. As we are getting to know each other, he tells me he likes me a lot and thinks I'm an amazing person but that he's not ready to settle down, since he got out of a 2 year relationship about 6 months ago and he feels the need to sleep with other boys.

    I kinda understand his point because he's only 22 and I'm 25 and he recently started coming out to the gay scene. I had been in the gay scene for about 6 years now, I don't feel the need to be with more than just one guy. I would like a monogamous relationship.

    But here is the bigger problem. About 2 years ago, I had a medical diagnosis of an anal fissure due to constipation. He's only a top, and my worry is that I won't be able to fulfill his needs of performing anal sex with me, at least not for a few months or so.

    What I wanna know is, is it convenient for me that he wants to see these other guys since i can't give him all he wants in bed? In other words, if I didn't have this problem maybe i would have never thought of the chance of being with someone who's sleeping with other people once in a while. He says this would be something he would do very rarely, but he would still be doing it. Also, maybe it's too soon for him to settle down, and with time, and getting to know each other, maybe he won't be having those needs and I'll eventually be able to provide him anal sex? Any suggestions? please, I'll be much appreciated. Thank you very much.

    Ps: All this without him knowing yet that I can't perform anal sex. If I choose to take his offer, I'll tell him about it though.
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    May 30, 2011 11:26 AM GMT
    This is a strange position to be in for sure. I was about to ask, "Does he NEED to Fuck????" But the answer is already there cause he clearly wants to screw around with other boys still. If he is serious about you... then why not just get to know you more??? I mean, he doesn't NEED to fuck does he? If you both are getting to know each other and like each other at that level, can't you guys enjoy making out and caressing? Or does sex need to be performed??? I don't know... maybe I'm asking the wrong question. If he really likes you, why not just get to know you more as opposed to exploring more boys???? Yes, he is young obviously because he's still boy looking. He isn't a Jedi yet (Hahaha, not that this has anything to do with star wars or the force). But he's still a padawan searching for sex from other guys. If you are interested, and he really likes you. He should be able to be patient. If he wants his anal sex over his patience of your recovery... Gosh, I hope he can wait. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing a guy I like wants to fool around with others. He isn't ready obviously to date me. Do you think he's ready to date you seriously in a monogamous relationship?
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    May 30, 2011 11:31 AM GMT
    And he says he still needs to sleep around once in a while. Well, sounds like he can't be monogamous cause that isn't monogamous. He wants an open relationship. You asking for exposure to other people's sexual habits and they things they did with other people and then allowing him to mix that up with you... I personally wouldn't like this at all. Be careful. Sounds.... I don't like it. icon_sad.gif
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    May 30, 2011 12:02 PM GMT
    That's a great question. I feel the perspective needs to be more on what you need and can handle as opposed to trying to accommodate his needs. There will always be times where you will meet someone where you may feel a strong connection and intense attraction. That being said, of those times, there will be instances where circumstances tell you that you're not as congruent together as it may seem. And that's ok

    What is key for you is to be around people that you feel comfortable with.. in lifestyle and everything else. There is really no need for you to settle for anything less than you feel you should have and deserve.

    His age, and his level of 'outness' is irrelevant. Ask yourself what is important to you, and what you want. Then ask yourself if this person and potential relationship (in whatever form) will satisfy that. If it will, then you're fine. If it won't, then you just need to find one that will.

    Not about him. It's about you and ensuring you don't change what you want. I had a bf who had the same physical issue as you had. It was a non-issue for me. Sex wasn't that important at the end of the day as I loved him, and we got off in other ways. Don't settle.
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    May 30, 2011 12:25 PM GMT
    I think you answered your own question when you said you wanted a monogamous relationship and he doesn't.
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    May 30, 2011 12:32 PM GMT
    At least he is being honest with you at the beginning by informing you that he is NOT ready to settle down with one guy. He is only 22 and was in a relationship for 2 years... he is now like a kid in a candy store.

    If he says it will happen and you don't like it, then don't compromise what will make you happy. You are still very young and will find the right man with the same belief system as you.

    If you are completely at ease with open relationships, go for it. But, if you have any doubt, then don't go for it.

    ...after all... your words, " he's not ready to settle down..."

    So... if he's not ready to settle down, don't push him or try to make him something for you that he's not. It will only end in your heartache.
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    May 30, 2011 12:42 PM GMT
    Dude..


    Tell him about the fissure - and get the fissure fixed - it may take 6 - 12 weeks to recover from, by then you'll have decided whether he's worth it.

    Just DO IT - get it fixed, you wont regret it.

    If he wants to get his last relationship "out of his system" - let him - better he does it before you guys hook up or you may be collateral damage.

    Best of luck
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    May 30, 2011 12:47 PM GMT
    from what I read, you can be friends for now, and when you heal you can try to be more, but until then, you're not bottoming. if that's an issue for him, then his loss.
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    May 30, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    I'm curious as to why your friend broke up with his last partner? Maybe wanting to play the field? I would say be friends for now but keep your options open for someone else.
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    May 30, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    Move on. Period. unless otherwise
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    May 30, 2011 2:22 PM GMT

    He should snatch you up and never let you go. Not even in a relationship and you're already making accommodations around his cheating. You're doing this while you yourself are dealing with a health problem and while you want him to get off now (because we'd hate for him to go without), you are scrambling to give him more sex when you can. You're a dream come true for any top seeking an open relationship.

    The only problem is, well it's more of my personal concern of mine: you seem to not be thinking enough about you. I can glean from reading that exactly what he wants (he wants to fuck a lot, like most guys and most jungle beasts do), but what do you want? You're twenty five, only a little older, should you be bending over backward like this for a younger man? You're still young enough to get someone to pander to your needs like this. Better do so while you still can. icon_wink.gif Just don't want you to pour so much into this guy who might not be worth it and in the mean time, your crow's feet are deepening. I want gay guys to be less selfish, but this just feels like seppuku. I want to hear about what he's giving you or what you demand from him.This is a new lease on life for you with this sphincter over haul. I want to hear about your big plans for you, not just about this guy. If you care to share. If you break down your plans, he may not fit in them.


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    May 30, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    Only here can violence against another guy be construed as "love".
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    May 30, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    I see things from a different perspective now, I guess I'm not thinking about my needs enough. I might try to be friends with him and maybe just keep kissing and caressing, like someone replied, until I make a decision. I really appreciate everyone's comments about this, you don't know how much this has been bothering me. Thank you all. I'd love to read more comments for sure.
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    May 30, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    Nick_G saidI recently met a guy who seems like a great person and I feel very attracted to. As we are getting to know each other, he tells me he likes me a lot and thinks I'm an amazing person but that he's not ready to settle down...

    I heard virtually those same words from a guy who had also just come out, in his case just months earlier, without any prior BF. I was his first ever. The really big difference with your guy is that mine was 52, not 22, even more of a late bloomer than I myself had been at 46.

    And I respected his need to learn & explore with other men besides just me at that point. Yet for 2 years I never knew him to actually go out on a date with anyone but me, whose company he said he preferred above all others, he'd just be tricking between our dates. I tried to teach him about safe sex, for his own sake as well as mine, and to this day, some 7 years later, he still phones me for advice about dating men. (Which my partner knows about, in fact having met him here when we've all gone out together and done touristy stuff during his visits - I do nothing behind my partner's back).

    Because that's all he still does is date. His not wanting to settle down right away became his not settling down EVER, and I suppose at nearly 60 now he'll die an old maid. Whereas I, like you, need monogamy.

    So I'd prepare yourself for that outcome, that this guy is gonna be a chronic bachelor for some time yet, maybe forever. And perhaps that 2-year relationship he had made him realize he's not ready for settling down yet, if it's in his nature to ever do so. At some point you may have to cut your losses, if a monogamous relationship is your objective.
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    May 30, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    Keep your tongue up his ass long enough and he'll eventually become versatile. Do a good enough job at it and he won't want anyone else.

    I'd supply a visual aide for you, but it might get my post deleted.

    Edit: Oh what the hell! icon_biggrin.gif
    Photobucket
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    May 30, 2011 4:32 PM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidKeep your tongue up his ass long enough and he'll eventually become versatile. Do a good enough job at it and he won't want anyone else.


    LOL!
  • joncfernan

    Posts: 216

    May 30, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidKeep your tongue up his ass long enough and he'll eventually become versatile. Do a good enough job at it and he won't want anyone else.



    lmaooo that would do it haha

    But seriously - your health comes first and theres no avoiding that. It would be dangerous for you to try anal sex at the moment so inform him of this is you want. Either ways, you say hes not ready to settle down. So why not just have a casual friendship with him? I know its hard and is probably pointless advice, but - its best not to fall inlove with someone like him....at the moment. Keep it casual.
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    May 30, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    age doesnt have anything to do with him wanting to have sex other man. Like you said he is just not ready for a relationship right now. Its up to you if your willing to wait till he comes around. I wouldnt tell him about your medical condition unless that time came around. Relationship is more than just sex....so they say lol
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    May 30, 2011 8:09 PM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidKeep your tongue up his ass long enough and he'll eventually become versatile. Do a good enough job at it and he won't want anyone else.

    I'd supply a visual aide for you, but it might get my post deleted.

    Edit: Oh what the hell! icon_biggrin.gif
    Photobucket


    ........................................

    That's so hot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    Just from the thread title: don't bother.... it's not the time
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    May 30, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    The things people will put up with....I don't get it.
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    May 30, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    I'm confused about the anal fissure problem. If it was two years ago, shouldn't it be long healed?
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    May 30, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Dump his ass.

    Have some self respect.
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    May 30, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    t_h_r_i_v_e saidDump his ass.

    Have some self respect.


    YES! He has the nerve to tell you he's into boinking other guys while you're dating? That's not honesty, that's just being an asshole. Move along icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    May 30, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    People are ragging on this guy but at least he's being honest. He could have decided to date you and screw around on the side without saying anything - his honesty is a good sign.
    It sound likes he's not just unready for a monogamous relationship, but for any relationship full-stop. I can understand why, after two years he's probably still not over his past relationship and just needs time.

    Just be mates for now, acknowledging your attraction for one another but trying to keep in mind you're not dating (yet). If this is too difficult, which it very well could be another month or two down the line, you need to walk away; maybe you'll see him again in the future when he is ready for a relationship.