HndsmKansan saidIt wasn't until the next year that I went through a metamorphosis, really started to accept (and like) myself...... and I apologized to that guy, who the year before I rebuffed. He still wanted to date me, but by then there was another man in the mix. He's still here.... lol
Another heartfelt story, like GuiltyGear's. Thanks.
I've told the story here before of how I came out in a flash, less than 24 hours. And during the first few hours I was depressed about my self-discovery that I was gay. I knew gay was bad, because most of the world said so, and certainly the Army, from which I had recently retired.
But then I turned it around. A rationalization, perhaps, but I've never been a conventional thinker. I like to reexamine things from many angles.
And I thought to myself: "I KNOW I'm a good & decent person, that's a constant, a given, that hasn't changed. Therefore, if I'm gay, then gay can't be as perverted and indecent as I've been led to believe. And that goes for other gays, as well."
A bit simplistic, granted, but at the end of that first day I was happy to realize that I was gay. If for no other reason than it resolved all the confusing conflicts I'd felt inside me all my life, both conscious & unconscious, answered all the mysteries about myself that I could never before resolve.
And there's nothing I hate more than questions for which I have no answers. Now I had it all figured out at last, better late than never, and I immediately jumped into the gay world very prominently with both feet, no closeted interim period for me at all (closeted = knowing you're gay but concealing it, versus my former deep psychological denial that I even WAS gay). I now celebrate that coming-out day annually as my "second birthday," having just passed my 16th.
Your metamorphosis may not have been as virtually instantaneous as mine was, but at least you say you had it. That, after all, is the very essence of Gay Pride, to erase that sense of shame, guilt & fear. Continue to accept and like yourself as a gay man.