Why do people lead others on when they've selected someone?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2011 4:50 AM GMT
    So I'll keep this short.

    I was talking to this guy for bout four or five months.

    He made it clear to me that we would be together, each other's boyfriends.

    Then he goes around and tells me about two months ago he'd already decided to go and be serious with someone else.

    Why bother flirting with me this entire time, keeping me as an option? I don't get it. Why play with my feelings like this?
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    May 31, 2011 4:51 AM GMT
    Guys are jerks man, deal with it.

    Who knows, clearly this is his issue and not yours.

    At least he showed you now and not later.
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    May 31, 2011 5:22 AM GMT
    It's all about options. People naturally hesitate in giving up options. It's that scary word called "commitment".
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    Jun 01, 2011 11:05 AM GMT
    So the guy wants us still to be good friends because he enjoys talking to me.


    Should I indulge him in this or really keep my distance?
  • theyoungtravi...

    Posts: 126

    Jun 01, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    i think it may deal with the fact that he was afraid of being rejected by the other guy he was interested in, so he kept you as another choice in case of that guy left him. or at first the 'love' he gave to you and that guy was equal 50-50 but later it has changed to 20-80. who knows?
    anyway, it's all up to you if you still wanna be a friend of his or not. In your case I think you should keep him as a normal friend, no more no less icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 01, 2011 3:44 PM GMT


    "He made it clear to me that we would be together, each other's boyfriends."


    Whenever someone told me that one day we would be boyfriends, a big red alarm went off in my head. It doesn't require planning like that, you either go for it or you don't.

    ...and after 4 months of talking?!? Good grief. Was this some kind of long distance thing on-line and you'd never met?
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    Jun 01, 2011 3:54 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidIt's all about options. People naturally hesitate in giving up options. It's that scary word called "commitment".

    Yeah, sounds like an options player to me, a word the OP himself used. It's also like when you do a free home trial of a product, to see if you like it, and then send it back if you don't.

    Disheartening to be the one "sent back" but it's only until you find the guy who thinks you're the keeper. And then it's somebody else who gets the "dear John" letter instead of you. That's really how it often works, although most guys aren't so obvious about it, playing their cards a little closer to their chest than this guy.
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Jun 01, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    Chainers saidGuys are jerks man, deal with it.


    Maybe guys are jerks because...well...the popular opinion is guys are jerks!

    Maybe running down guys so much has become a self fulfilling prophecy, and it's merely a matter of the chickens coming home to roost.

    Maybe it might be worthwhile to...not generalize all guys as jerks?
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Jun 01, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "He made it clear to me that we would be together, each other's boyfriends."


    Whenever someone told me that one day we would be boyfriends, a big red alarm went off in my head. It doesn't require planning like that, you either go for it or you don't.

    ...and after 4 months of talking?!? Good grief. Was this some kind of long distance thing on-line and you'd never met?


    That's the impression I was getting out of the OP's post.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    ^^ that is what happened, I had come to see him but that's when he told me he was already "official" with someone else and that he had been since two months ago.


    I think that's what upset me the most, that he still talked to me in that way even when he was with someone else.


    On to the next one right?
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    Jun 02, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    This is pretty deceptive and I don't know if I would want to continue with this friendship unless he is ready to have a serious talk with no BS. Does he flake out on you a lot?
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    Jun 02, 2011 1:41 AM GMT
    vincent7 saidThis is pretty deceptive and I don't know if I would want to continue with this friendship unless he is ready to have a serious talk with no BS. Does he flake out on you a lot?



    He's made so many excuses for his behavior, and yeah, he disappears quite a bit, when he wants and on his terms and his time.


    I mean really, it's 2011, and I've heard some ridiculous excuses, and the same damn ones too (phone sim card doesn't work, Internet wasn't up, phone isn't working)

    Looking back there were red flags everywhere but didn't listen.


    My gut is telling me he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be able to talk to me and still have his boyfriend at the same time, which is annoying. He wants it all.

    We're meeting this Saturday and gonna have a "make it or break it" moment. It's either we stay friends or just cut off completely from one another.

    He's apologized, but I just don't feel that it's real. He says he cares about my feelings, but I highly doubt it. He says a lot of things and then doubles back, and he's been lying this entire time behind my back.


    He also wants me to come visit him by his house, because that's what we had arranged prior, but I'd feel so dirty about it. There is no point, I seriously think he's just trying to keep me cause he liked talking, but also wants his "serious official relationship".
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    Jun 02, 2011 5:26 AM GMT
    I'd just thank him for the apology, sincerely, then walk away from this mess. Life is better simply lived, free, and available for something wonderful. You are at every liberty to kindly tell him this without malice. Wish him well.

    icon_wink.gif

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    Jun 02, 2011 1:22 PM GMT
    Did he move in with the other guy?
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    Jun 02, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidDid he move in with the other guy?



    They've already made plans to do so, when they did this I don't even know. He casually mentioned this but I didn't press further cause I didnt want to start a fight.

    I felt so blind sided, all of this he revealed in one day, after having disappeared for five.
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    Jun 06, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    If I were in your situation, I'd cut my ties off of him. He HAS a boyfriend so he shouldn't be trying to have a rebound guy in case things don't work out. I think that's pathetic in my opinion. If you are interested in a guy, you should stay focused on the guy and not for the next best thing. But again, that's my opinion.

    In the end, the decision is up to you. (I know you posted this 5 days ago but I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents).

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    Not worth your time.
    Unless you didn't have a private conversation or serious one... I'd say shame on him and you. No one was direct enough to make the other person get to that point where he was like, "Yeah... I don't see us as..."


    It happens. Guys are dicks. I usually just say fuck'em and move on. You can be my friend, but you can't lead me on. Ever.