Do you believe in hitting guys up first or do you wait for them to make the 1st move?

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    Jun 01, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    This seems to be a tricky question for many people...and I also grapple with it sometimes myself. But do you feel it's better to wait for a guy to approach you (online, at a bar, wherever) than to go up to them first?

    I still have mixed opinions about it. I dated a guy few years ago and I hit him up first. But then, one day his friend was in town and asked him, "so who hit who up first?" He then told him, "he hit me up first, I don't hit guys up first". Meaning, had I never emailed him first, we'd probably have never met.

    But, I also find that 99% of the time whenever I make the first move to a guy, they tend to not be interested. And most of the guys who hit me up are interested in me.

    So being on a website, I just get used to not messaging anyone first but damn sometimes I feel so bored doing so. And the only people messaging me are the out of shape, AAA cup chest guys with pencil arms who just wanna fuck. It literally drives me up the wall! It's like dammit, I know I can do better than this! And then I take the chance to message someone who's my type and low and behold; they end up being a flake or stop responding after message 2 or 3. Some of them act downright nasty and rude about it. It's like damn...I'm showing courtesy and showing an interest in you and all you can do is show me flack?

    People always say, "be assertive, go after what you want" but it's not as easy as that. You can really put your self-esteem on the line by constantly going after guys and then being turned down. It's a bit easier in a real-life setting because you can tell if a guy is looking at you or not. But online, you have no idea. Well, you do have an idea. If they didn't hit you up 1st after looking at your profile then they probably weren't interested to begin with, no?

    What do you think about all this who hits who up first?

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    Jun 01, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    I'm actually pretty shy when it comes to that, so I can't say I ever make the first move. I've done it a few times, and it didn't seem right. But if I'm interested, you'll know it.
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    Jun 01, 2011 4:23 AM GMT
    I do the first move often... most guys are pussies anyway, so SOMEONE has to do it :-)
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    Jun 01, 2011 4:48 AM GMT

    For God's sake, guys....grow a pair!! If ya wanna sit around and wait for the guy to make the first move, ya might end up MY age, without all the great loves I've had.
    Life is short...and you get only one shot...so ya better make it count!!!
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    Jun 01, 2011 5:02 AM GMT
    I've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.
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    Jun 01, 2011 5:04 AM GMT
    KardioKing saidI've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.


    *tap*tap* put out
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    Jun 01, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    KardioKing saidI've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.


    *approaches kardioKing* icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 01, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    KardioKing saidI've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.


    Gay guys will watch you walk by, basically stare holes through you, and even say you are hot to their friends, but they still won't approach you. I realized that this past weekend. I have learned to approach guys more. But it also works to approach a guy and start the conversation, then let them take it the rest of the way. They are a lot more likely to pursue you if you start the conversation. I guess that is the hardest part for gay guys
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    Jun 01, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra said
    KardioKing saidI've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.


    *tap*tap* put out


    Come get in my bed, I just moved into my new place, it needs broken in.

    Dekiruman*approaches kardioKing*


    Sup QT. icon_wink.gif

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    Jun 01, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    KSUOWL said
    KardioKing saidI've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.


    Gay guys will watch you walk by, basically stare holes through you, and even say you are hot to their friends, but they still won't approach you. I realized that this past weekend. I have learned to approach guys more. But it also works to approach a guy and start the conversation, then let them take it the rest of the way. They are a lot more likely to pursue you if you start the conversation. I guess that is the hardest part for gay guys


    Yup, then they'll say some dumb line like, "I was wondering when/if you were gonna come over and talk to me..." as if they were incapable of starting the convo on their own. Kind of a minor turn-off, displays they might be lacking in self-confidence, that or they are expecting some prince charming to come and sweep their dainty little arse off their feet.
  • nubScotty

    Posts: 282

    Jun 01, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    Meh I've given up on guy's ever approaching me and do it myself now, hell the only time a guy approached me at a bar he told me I was hot as the bar was closing than ran off to his friends and left icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 01, 2011 5:57 AM GMT
    KardioKing saidI've never once in my life been approached, I always have to make the first move. Gets pretty tedious and annoying really.


    I know, that's what I'm talking about. And I hate it! Now...that's not to say guys don't come up to me at all. They do, but there are times when I see someone but they may or may not have seen me.

    When I'm out and about, my rule is if they don't look at me as I'm walking by...then no matter how hot they are, no matter how badly I want to speak to them I won't. I have done it, and it hasn't worked. When they are looking, it works.

    I do get tired of the only people who hit me up are people I'm not compatible with icon_neutral.gif The drunk, the guy who is at the bar every week, on the week and never misses a week and then you see him the day after, the guy with the boyfriend, the player...the list goes on. Like what the FUCK. Am I dreaming????
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jun 01, 2011 7:53 AM GMT
    I usually wait for guys to come up to me, but if they are really my type then I go up to them. I have no fear of rejection.
  • theyoungtravi...

    Posts: 126

    Jun 01, 2011 1:07 PM GMT
    I often hit guys up first before, but after a long time of rejection now I want others to make the first move icon_neutral.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 01, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    Well I have a bf, so when I take the initiative, it's really to get to know them or just just to be friendly and say hello. I take the initiative with some and let others contact me some of the time as well. It all works. I rarely have guys who are rude and I try and be friendly to those who take the time to talk to me first.
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:29 PM GMT
    I really really wanna wait for guys to come to me but only jerks who want sex come because they think I'm naive and they could take advantage.

    Every time I've met a nice guy, it was I who started a conversation. Interesting people don't come to me. I guess I have "not interesting" written all over my face icon_razz.gif

    Now I have my man and it doesn't matter anymore, but it was I who made the first move of course icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:32 PM GMT
    I am funny and can be loud with people I know. If I am out alone, I am really shy and a wall flower...so...no.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Jun 01, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    I'd like to say I'm balls to the wall, all out, go after what I want...but honestly it depends on my mood.
    if I'm feeling sexy and cocky (yeah it happens), then I am eager to talk to new guys. If you smile at me, I'll come say hi. Gay men's are shy.
    If i'm not feeling that confident at the moment, I tend to observe, and have been told multiple times, that I come across standoffish and distant, at these times.

    There is only one wrong way to approach me, and that's to send over a friend to gauge my interest. Instant turn off.
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    I'm completely retarded when it comes to this. I will walk right up to a straight guy and hit on him so hard my friends get embarrassed, but if I know a guy is gay, I suddenly get VERY shy. I think it's because I've been rejected by some gay men in extremely rude ways, but "straight" guys either go for it or will be very flattered and let me know they're not interested in a nice way. icon_neutral.gif
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Jun 01, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    If I notice eye contact then usually I'll make the first move, other than that it depends how I'm feeling.
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI'm completely retarded when it comes to this. I will walk right up to a straight guy and hit on him so hard my friends get embarrassed, but if I know a guy is gay, I suddenly get VERY shy. I think it's because I've been rejected by some gay men in extremely rude ways, but "straight" guys either go for it or will be very flattered and let me know they're not interested in a nice way. icon_neutral.gif


    So what you are saying is that you have a problem hitting in blind gay guys. I suggest you try those with sight. You will have much better luck.
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    When I was single and trying to meet guys online, I'd usually send the guys I liked the look/sound of a message to start up a conversation and if they responded then great, if not then I forgot about it.

    Obviously it's a bit easier if they've hit on you first since you know they like you, whereas if you're hitting on someone, they might not be interested in that way but still respond just to be polite/friendly so you don't really know where you stand with them.

    I usually think it's better to be the one to ask though, you can't just hang around waiting to be hit on by the guys you like otherwise the good ones will pass you by. Sure, you might get rejected by ones you like but if you don't try you'll never know. I hit on guys that I didn't think I'd have a chance with and it turned out they liked me back, so fortune favours the bold I think!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 01, 2011 2:46 PM GMT
    depends. all of my serious relationships started from the internet. i think i initiate 2/3 of those. in person, i've asked a few guys out. i don't think i've ever known a guy who was out in person that i was into and single in order for me to ask out. i think i also project a flirty/don't fuck with me vibe so guys are apprehensive to approach me (i'm often told that i come off as cold and threatening by those who don't know me). the point is penis.
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    Well, it really just comes down to one of the most fundamental human emotions: fear. The fear of rejection is a powerful thing, and it makes a lot of guys afraid to approach first. There is the possibility that they well get rejected. I think that fear is even stronger in the gay community since we've all grown up with fear of rejection from our peers, social institutions, society, etc. I also think thats why so many gay guys get wasted at bars and social functions (ahem... me a few years ago... months ago?). It's the fear of rejection. It's a matter of reaching the point where you know what you have to offer, you are confident in yourself, and if someone isn't interested? Fuck them! Their loss. I'd like to pretend I'm fully there, but not quite. It comes in waves! But one day!
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    Jun 01, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    I've almost always waiting for the other guy to make the first move.. online and offline..

    last year a friend said that perhaps my bad choices in relationships the last couple times was because I dated guys who are the types to make first moves (and will do within or outside a relationship with abandon).. good point, so I've been trying to find a better balance.

    Recently have been more proactive and have contacted guys who i really thought were out of my league and to my surprise it's been well received, well most of the time you always have the attitude queens who look down at everyone, especially here in Florida.. but i no longer look at it as a rejection of me, more like their own insecurity and immaturity making them pass on something good.

    I just need more practice at this.. 20 years of being the quiet guy who waits for others to make a move is a hard thing to change..