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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
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    Jun 01, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    It's OK to vent like that (as long as it's not in 50 topics, lol!)

    You pretty well described my life before Bill and that was over 22 years ago, so really nothing much has changed and many many hundreds of thousands have walked a mile in your shoes.
    I say enjoy the short affairs and learn how to navigate hurt and or disappointment as best as you can. Those things you learn will come in very handy when the right fit shows up, which will only happen as long as you are out there and trying to just meet people (but not too hard).

    How's that?

    -Doug

    Here: *HUG*

  • Ryvick1212

    Posts: 29

    Jun 01, 2011 9:42 PM GMT
    Don't let anyone try to change how you feel or how you engage in relationships. All that will come out of it is a relationship that you feel like you're setting for, and then you wont be near as happy.

    Also, if you're looking for connections, online friends can always be a help :-) I have a friend who I met 5 years ago and we still talk all the time even though we've never met in person.

    As far as love finding you when you're not looking for it, take my word for it, I've ONLY ever found love when I wasn't looking for it. Just go out and have a good time, and let things happen as they go on.
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    Jun 01, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    realjockk89 said
    I guess I just don't feel validated as a person. I have made no real substantial relationships/friendships in the gay community since coming out.


    Never depend on anyone else to validate you as a person. Sure it's nice to have that, but just remember: If they can give you validation, they can just as easily take it back. And you don't want that to happen. And as you start meeting and dating more guys, that's going to happen often. They're going to love you, and then take it back. Want you, and then not want you.

    At least you have friends...But at the same time if they can't offer a hand of advice when you need it and you're the one absorbing the brunt of their problems, then maybe I'd question their purpose in my life.

    ...damn I need to start repeating this to myself more LOL. I'm in the same predicament. But I'm just rolling with it cause it's not like my life is over, I'm not dead without them. Life is good with or without them. They are either with us, or not
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    Jun 01, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    Wow, guy, where to start? It looks like you are looking for depth, understanding, and companionship in a seemly shallow, meaningless world. I think this might be a common affiction with many today. People seem more interested in the their smart phones, Facebook accounts, and rushing to their next destination without really understanding that life is going on all around them. If you are going to gay bars and expecting something more than a temporary good time, hooking up, and lots of trivial chat, well, good luck.

    QUOTE realjockk89they always try to reduce what I'm going through to it being no big deal or just don't listen at all
    What are you going through?

    QUOTE realjockk89I have been looking for a relationship for over a year and haven't found any guy that is up to par.
    What is up to par? Are you looking for Mr. Perfect?

    It's good that you have some family to talk with. It may take some time for them to process your coming out and be able to talk with you about it.

    I recommend that you invite one or two, only, of your friends over for a dinner that you have cooked yourself. Try to show them what you can offer other than just a set of ears in a group conversation. Maybe you can ask them to just talk about how they get through their everyday lives. Do something altruistically (no expectation of anything in return) for them and genuinely show them that you care for them. There is something very rewarding and heartening in doing something special for someone. That's how friendships are molded. Please mail me on RJ if you care to talk. The better forum topics on RJ is not a bad way for people to listen to you without any interruption. Good luck and go out and fall in love with the world.

  • chapguy123

    Posts: 25

    Jun 06, 2011 3:38 AM GMT
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm so effing lonely and it's worse when you have no substantial friendships or a boyfriend. I'm so tired of friends that just sort of talk about themselves all the time and they are never the first to initiate contact to hang out. Makes you feel like they don't give a shit. If you disappeared, they wouldn't notice.
    It's helpful to try to make new friends as I'm trying right now, but it doesn't beat the loneliness of being without a partner. I always think about death and dying alone. Don't want to feel this way, but it's hard not to.

    I don't want to go to a gay bar, with all it's superficiality and likely to make me feel more like shit. Where does anyone meet anyone nowadays?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 06, 2011 3:53 AM GMT
    Here it made me feel bad just reading your original post Realjockk89.
    I've had a few friends that have told me all their problems and never ask about me or whats happening. My suggestion is... 1) Quit allowing yourself to be their sounding board, unless it's a mutual proposition (and tell them that.. I did!)
    If they don't make changes, I'd phase em out. They aren't really "friends" anyway.

    Let me say, you sound pretty mature for a 21 year old guy.. congrats, you are already way ahead of some of those much older. Understand the gay scene can come off as pretty shallow and full of immature behavior. I suggest volunteering for some charities that you find important and meet some new folks... gay or straight. There are some good gay guys out there for friendship, but I'd not look for them in a bar, but again, in some noteworthy organizations for which you might volunteer.

    Finally, don't lose hope. You sound like a great guy. There are some good people out there that would enjoy getting to know you, no doubt.
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    Jun 06, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    I would also suggest going to www.meetup.com to find some groups going on in the area.

    It took me months to work up the courage to join a group, but it really takes off the pressure of the gay lifestyle and dating which can really take it's toll after awhile. Instead you can meet people who are in the same position you are: lonely, frustrated and trying to reach out to other people.

    You may not find a hookup or the love of your life right away from it, but it's a good balance.
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    Jun 06, 2011 5:35 AM GMT
    meninlove said It's OK to vent like that (as long as it's not in 50 topics, lol!)

    You pretty well described my life before Bill and that was over 22 years ago, so really nothing much has changed and many many hundreds of thousands have walked a mile in your shoes.
    I say enjoy the short affairs and lear



    Me too!!!

    And dont worry, Im often the person at work people "vent to" cuz I wont judge anyone, so feel free icon_smile.gif
  • kemoze

    Posts: 390

    Jun 06, 2011 7:26 PM GMT
    man .,, oh my god .., you are so romantic and awesome .,, dont care about their openion , still the way you are .. its really nice to know that there are such gays like you ,,.. believe me life without morals and kinda of limits is so boring,, i mean we have to put limit to sex .,, sex should be only after love and respect
    believe me there is nothing wrong with its all their mistake
    dont give up till you find the gay of your dream
    try to keep busy these days and do something for your good,,. have abreak from them ,,, and always know that ,,,, its better being away from gays who dont bother to listen to you when you need them ,. they are not friends and dont waste your time with them
    you are not negative rather you are so sensitive
    i like you man .,,
    cheer up ;..
    icon_razz.gif
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    I'm really sorry that all that has happened to you... For real. You sound like a nice respectable and good guy. I have to agree with Ryvick1212, never change who you are or your mentality. Because if you do, you will feel a sort of emptiness.

    I know where you are coming form, I was (and still partially) in that situation. But I learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself. While it may be nice to have others to depend on, the first and far-most thing you should do is have your independence as well.

    And for relationships, I totally understand. Most of the guys I've met only wanted to hook up and well, I'm just not really into that kind of stuff so of course, the person becomes uninterested when there is no sex involved. I know I'm just 19 but I just don't feel comfortable hooking up with random people (which is too bad because most people my age want to do that all that time lol). The only thing I can suggest is just take a break from searching for love and focus on you. Do what makes you happy. Do you have any hoobies or favorite activities? Go out and explore them. icon_smile.gif They can help fill the empty space you have and even meet new friends that way. I don't think bars/clubs are an ideal place to meet friends really...

    Anyway, that's just my 2 cents. I hope you feel better dude. Hang in there and don't give up, every cloud has it's silver lining. icon_wink.gif
  • kemoze

    Posts: 390

    Jun 06, 2011 8:03 PM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenver saidI would also suggest going to www.meetup.com to find some groups going on in the area.
    (Instead you can meet people who are in the same position you are: lonely, frustrated and trying to reach out to other people.)
    i dont agree with you man ...
    he has to find gays who help him to cheer up , but meeting gays who are in the same position would make it worse ,,,
    its so easy .., he should leave those gays and try to find real pple ..
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Jun 07, 2011 2:32 AM GMT
    What they've all said, plus: Don't let gay bars and clubs be your only contact with other gay men. Remember, nobody goes to a gay bar to engage in intellectually engaging conversation.

    Look instead for a gay-oriented group near you that piques your interest - a sports team, a musical ensemble, a professional group, a religious organization, etc. It'll be a good way to meet other gay men (and maybe lesbians or transfolk) who already have something in common with you, and at a minimum you'll expand your circle of friends.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 07, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    You want it straight....about 75% of the guys at those bars could give a rats ass about love or commitment....They'll fuck your body...then fuck with your head...then they're gone...You need to develop proactive ways to meet quality guys.....it won't be easy...even gay social organizations have their pervs and jerk offs...but after much work and weeding on your part...Love will find ya....It ain't gotta be easy but it will be well worth the search...chin up....BUD