Is NOT coming OUT fair on my bf?

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    Jun 02, 2011 12:03 PM GMT
    He's out... i'm not... nor am i ready to come out yet... i don't have any1 i can even talk to about him icon_cry.gif

    i love him and think he loves me... i get uncomfortable holding hands and kissing in public especially in my home town...

    he says things like "guess we just gotta be patient" i believe him but is it fair on him for me to hold back?


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    Jun 02, 2011 12:15 PM GMT
    I really don't think it's smart to be completely out in all settings; it's a safety issue. Your boyfriend needs to be more sensitive to your point of view and maybe be out in public when you vacation in gay friendly locations.
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    Jun 02, 2011 12:45 PM GMT
    noonelikegus said... i really hope it doesn't ruin our relationship
    Brutal honesty: It will, and probably sooner than later.

    Personally, after being "out" for 20 years, it would be a slap in the face for me to date someone in the closet. I'd feel like those 20 years of fighting (successfully) for acceptance were in vain. I'd also wonder why he's such a spineless pussy who feels obligated to live a lie, even though I'm there to support him in the coming out process.

    Chances are, your boyfriend feels the same way, and is just afraid to do anything about it at the moment...but he will once the emotional pain builds up enough.
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    Jun 02, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    For heaven's sake, you're in the UK not in some backwater hick town in a country where you are not equal. You even have openly advertised gay hotels where you are!

    What you need to ask yourself is how much is love worth in the way of personal change and/or risk? That he's willing to compromise for you shows you how much he values his feelings for you.

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    Jun 02, 2011 1:26 PM GMT
    meninlove said For heaven's sake, you're in the UK not in some backwater hick town in a country where you are not equal.

    What you need to ask yourself is how much is love worth in the way of personal change and/or risk? That he's willing to compromise for you shows you how much he values his feelings for you.

    Or that he's in a rural area and takes what he can get. icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 02, 2011 1:27 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    meninlove said For heaven's sake, you're in the UK not in some backwater hick town in a country where you are not equal.

    What you need to ask yourself is how much is love worth in the way of personal change and/or risk? That he's willing to compromise for you shows you how much he values his feelings for you.

    Or that he's in a rural area and takes what he can get. icon_lol.gif



    Nope. Here: http://www.google.ca/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=gay+in+Coventry+UK
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    Jun 02, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    paulflexes said
    meninlove said For heaven's sake, you're in the UK not in some backwater hick town in a country where you are not equal.

    What you need to ask yourself is how much is love worth in the way of personal change and/or risk? That he's willing to compromise for you shows you how much he values his feelings for you.

    Or that he's in a rural area and takes what he can get. icon_lol.gif



    Nope. Here: http://www.google.ca/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=gay+in+Coventry+UK
    I never believe the locations listed in no-pic/no-info profiles. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 02, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    Gotta agree with Paulflexes here. Take it from your BF's perspective: he keeps needing to suppress himself around you, when he long before made the conscious choice to come out and be comfortable with himself without caring about other peoples' reactions. Realistically, he will eventually hit a tipping point from having to second guess himself and give up what he is comfortable with, just to please you.
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    Jun 02, 2011 8:09 PM GMT
    Guys who are out usually don't date guys in the closet because they don't want to deal with those issues.
    If he knew you were in the closet when you first started dating, then don't worry too much about it. I think you should come out, but you don't have to feel pressured to do it. Your bf knew what was up and he either accepted it or was hoping to change you (which isn't fair to you).
    Show some patience with him. It's your hangups that are keeping him from showing affection towards you or from going on a date somewhere that you might run into someone you know.
  • mizu5

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    Jun 02, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    noonelikegus saidi fear that Paul may be right...

    i'm going to ask him how he really feels about it tonight... HOPEFULLY LOVE WILL WIN OVER PRIDE!
    Pride? Whose pride? certainly not his, as it is not prideful to want a partner to be out.
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    Jun 02, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    noonelikegus said...is it fair on him for me to hold back?

    No. He's out, and enjoying gay life. You're not, and limiting him. Is that fair to him?

    Either come out soon, or else find a BF who's also closeted, and happy with that deception, like you.
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    Jun 03, 2011 8:36 AM GMT
    vincent7 saidI really don't think it's smart to be completely out in all settings; it's a safety issue. Your boyfriend needs to be more sensitive to your point of view and maybe be out in public when you vacation in gay friendly locations.



    What????? Well to put it lightly I do not agree with that.

    Listen to be honest, it is going to strain your relationship, especially in the future. Whilst I never force anyone to come out as it is a personal journey it isn't fair dragging someone who made that big leap of self-acceptance into a world of denial.

    But that it just my opinion.

    In saying that I really hope it works out!

    xx
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    Jun 03, 2011 10:19 AM GMT
    noonelikegus saidit's ok guys he's cool, we're cool... icon_cool.gificon_cool.gif

    but i know i need to get my issues sorted and come out soon so we can be together properly

    ps i meant my lack of pride vs. my immense love for him!


    I wouldn't be so sure, let me tell you from experience that this is a cancer in your relationship and will continually hinder any chance of a future you have together.

    As others have said you have no excuse not to be out, if he is out do you not think people already suspect?

    Do him and yourself a favour and take the plunge.
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    Jun 03, 2011 10:22 AM GMT
    mizu5 said
    noonelikegus saidi fear that Paul may be right...

    i'm going to ask him how he really feels about it tonight... HOPEFULLY LOVE WILL WIN OVER PRIDE!
    Pride? Whose pride? certainly not his, as it is not prideful to want a partner to be out.


    What do you mean, it's not about wanting your partner to be out, it's about needing to be on an equal footing with them.

    Not only is a clossetted person rejecting their sexuality, they're indirectly rejecting the relationship in its rightful form.
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    Jun 03, 2011 11:29 AM GMT
    Sounds like you don't love him that much or yourself.

    You're BF is out so it goes without saying that folks probably already know you are gay. Your BF sounds fine being him and doesn't seem to let his sexuality dictate how he lives his life. It sounds like you have security issues. Plain and simple. You should stop and take a page from your BF.

    The longer you keep trying to have him keep the secret of you being gay the more painful it's gonna be. He's gonna get to the point where he asks himself "Why am I with you if I have to keep you a secret?"

    With your mentality on the situation you'll end up being the reason why the relationship doesn't work. I would have to agree with Paul on this one. If you want to stay in the closet then that's fine but you can't expect a person you are dating who is out to ever go back in. It's like taking a step back and getting punched in the face all at once. There is bound to be some backlash with your demands.

    If you wanted something like then you should've found someone else who was also in the closet. You'd better figure this out quickly and figure out what you consider important in your relationship. In a way you're being selfish to expect your BF to carry your personal burden of accepting yourself a secret.
  • Rowing_Ant

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    Jun 03, 2011 11:49 AM GMT
    It's not fare on him at all. And its not fair on you either. If your BoyF is out and happy with being himself, its not fair on you dragging him back into the closets. How can you love someone else if you aren't loving yourself, all of yourself, even your "gay" bit? Love yourself, then love others I say,

    Coventry may also be a dump but its got a large student population which makes it diverse if not cosmopolitan. Its not like you're stuck in deepest darkest Dorset bein the Only Gay in the Village.