Another break up - What I've learned

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    Jun 02, 2011 7:38 PM GMT
    This morning I woke up in one of the shittiest ways I can think of, to a break up!

    My boyfriend, of a year, couldn't sleep all night and got up early in the morning. After asking if everything was ok the dreaded pre-breakup talk began... something on his mind, it's been bothering him for a while, it's not you it's me... etc

    Basically his career and life stresses of possibly moving away for work this fall were too much and he just couldn't stomach having to break up with me down the line, so he decided it was time now.

    You can imagine this came as a bit of a shock, but part of me knew something was off for awhile Those initial clues, that gut feeling, the distance slowing growing between us. I brushed it off as just a couple bad days, but it's always the first sign that things aren't quite right. We never really had major fights, no cheating, no drama, if there was a problem we talked it out. Our sex life was awesome, and we had tons in common. It was the most mature and honest relationship I've ever had! Sort of felt like we really had something solid and special. Which makes it even more sad that it's over, and so abruptly at that.

    However I'm not writing as some weeping and scorned victim. Mostly just to get my thoughts out to others, maybe find some comfort in others' similar stories and a hope that things "work out in the end."

    I think I've come to some conclusions having gone through yet another breakup that someone may find useful.

    1) The biggest lesson, if someone doesn't want to be with you, if they say they don't feel the same anymore or for whatever reason, let them go! If someone doesn't want to put the energy and love into a relationship with me, doesn't want what I have to offer, then surrender to that and let them go. There is no point in dragging something on past that point, begging or pleading. As hard and taxing as it feels, just surrender and let them go! Freedom will always feel better then holding on knowing it isn't yours to keep.

    2) Don't hold grudges and hate. Yeah I'm angry but do I wish him harm? No. Letting go of that initial anger and vitriol is important. Stewing in it and letting it taint your outlook on life will only be harmful to you. It's not going to effect him in the slightest, they're not around so why waste the time or energy?

    3) Don't let the faults of one tarnish your view of many. Sometimes people hurt us, sometimes they act like scum, but that doesn't mean everyone should be blamed down the line. When I hear people (especially gay men) talk about being jaded and guarded it's sad. That one or a couple bad experiences leave them cold and dark - talk about surrendering to someone else entirely and giving up your own power. They take that anger or mistrust into the next relationship. Entering into it with suspicion and negativity, making it doomed right from the start. We may not control life's circumstances but we certainly control how we react to them; now and moving forward.

    So I'll have my sad day, listen to some sad songs but after today I'm starting fresh, leaving the past of this broken relationship behind me.






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    Jun 02, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    cudow said...
    I think I've come to some conclusions having gone through yet another breakup that someone may find useful.

    1) The biggest lesson, if someone doesn't want to be with you, if they say they don't feel the same anymore or for whatever reason, let them go! ...

    2) Don't hold grudges and hate. ...

    3) Don't let the faults of one tarnish your view of many. ...
    Words of wisdom.

    Oh, and how could anyone break up with someone as hot as you? icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 02, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    you are wise

    thanks for sharing your experience
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    Jun 02, 2011 8:08 PM GMT
    cudow saidSo I'll have my sad day, listen to some sad songs but after today I'm starting fresh, leaving the past of this broken relationship behind me.

    You sound very smart, mature & sophisticated. Now your task is to find a guy worthy of you, your equal. Not easy, I suspect, and you may go through this again.

    No worry, you have time yet. Don't begin to panic & despair until your 40s.

    You imply some questions of us:

    Have I been dumped? Yep!

    Have I had my heart broken? Oh, yeah, more than once!

    Did I finally find the love of my life, after many failures? YES!

    One of my personal mottos is: "Life wants to be good to you, if only you know how to let it."

    Life wants to be good to you -- now let it. Your guy is waiting for you. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or the day after, but it's gonna happen. Now find him.

    The secret to success in anything, whether love or life, is infinite patience & persistence. And never becoming discouraged. I think you're a guy who will know this, and do OK.
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    Jun 02, 2011 8:17 PM GMT
    First of all a major hug to you! I'm impressed at how rationally you are handling all of this. You are right, it's better to be alone than to go through the motions. However, if there are bad days to come, go to Greg's Ice Cream on Bloor St W., get a half-litre of your favourite flavour & allow it to help make things better icon_smile.gif Trust me, it works (my fave flavour is roast marshmallow! YUM!)
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    Jun 02, 2011 8:43 PM GMT
    Wise word. Hang in there! Good luck buddy..
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    All three points are so true, and are so key in being able to get over breakups but also approach future relationships (once the time is right) with maturity and a good attitude.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    He can break up with you. He can leave, but he can't take the ice cream.

    .......................................................
    ice_cream_bowl.jpg
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    I think who ever is the next guy for you is going to be very lucky to have such a mature and wise boyfriend.

    I hope you feel better soon and keep your head up!
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    You get a gold star for being psychologically stable and having a healthy outlook.

    Yay! I'm glad that there are people out there who are positive and who can process difficult situations in healthy ways..... good for you! icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your breakup. Like everyone else is saying though, your assessment and outlook are brilliant and will save you from a lot of self inflicted pain.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    similar deal on my end... well written!
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    Jun 03, 2011 4:06 AM GMT
    very well said bud! chin up!
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    Jun 03, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    Thanks guys! icon_smile.gif

    It's funny how talking to and getting advice from people you don't know can be comforting at a time like this. I really appreciate the kind words from everyone on here.

    It's been a sad day, but like I said, I refuse to wallow in it. I got a fresh new haircut, talked with friends and I feel lucky for what this relationship taught me and what an amazing year it was with him. I know better things are on the horizon and the right guy for me is out there somewhere...
  • helios01

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    Jun 03, 2011 9:15 AM GMT
    ~hugs~
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    Jun 03, 2011 9:47 AM GMT
    A lot of people can learn from your example, I only follow the first conclusion though. I hold grudges for a long time always done that though since I was little and it's going to be a hard thing to break. The third sometimes I don't let it tarnish things, but sometimes I do it just depends on the day sometimes the week. Hope all goes well for y'all.
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    Jun 03, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    This is solid gold, cudow.

    " Don't let the faults of one tarnish your view of many. Sometimes people hurt us, sometimes they act like scum, but that doesn't mean everyone should be blamed down the line. "


    respectfully and admiringly,

    -Doug
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    Jun 03, 2011 2:02 PM GMT
    A guy this smart is gonna find another man worth his time very soon.