long-distance relationship..

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    Apr 12, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
    How should I make it work? It really sucks.. I've met a great guy and we had a wonderful time together. But now we are in different cities. What should I do to make it work? I am very committed and very serious with him. He said he were going to give it a try but he had to take it slow (which I agreed) but I am not sure how committed he was. Btw... I did ask him about that and he said that he was really into me.. but I dont know.. he hasn't proved much about that.. (he doesnt call or text me much at all.. )

    so.. I don't know.. and it's very killing me now..
    Thanks for reading and for the comments
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    Apr 12, 2008 6:53 PM GMT
    Well, you should discuss it with him. Talk about how serious HE is - if he is really willing to try this.
    If you ask me, such a relationship can only be maintained with a person you've dated a few months before that. Cause... if he is some guy you don't know that well, there's a huuuuge chance, that things won't work out...
    I dunno - I guess you have to relax and give him some time. Test him - if he doesn't start to show more interest, dumb him.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 12, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    Only different City's. Your options are endless. One of my long term relationships. He is in Russia. I dawn in Oz. Nine years has now come to pass, and still we have a bond, and love. But....unlike to many other homosexual relationships. Out foundations were not built on sex! But love and friendship.

    But I well know the pain of having some-one far away.

    But not only do we have a unique bond, we also have a unique experience, that we "both" have shared.

    With only being in different city's. Your options are endless.
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    Apr 12, 2008 10:08 PM GMT
    it doesnt work....i broke up with my boyfriend in lebanon because i traveled here and its been two years since i went back, and i probably wont be back soon...i dont think they can work with gay men..they are just too damn horny
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    Apr 12, 2008 10:25 PM GMT
    You aren't sure how committed he is and he doesn't call or text you much at all. It sounds like you already know where this relationship is going.

    I have been in a couple LDR's and to make them work I did the following:
    1) Called, emailed, and wrote letters all the time. Think how much you would communicate if they lived down the block from you. Make up for that face to face time with text and calls.

    2) Learn to like phone sex. Though I haven't done it in a while, but I am sure I could still make a dead man cum if you put a phone to his ear. Intimacy is part of romantic relationships. If you aren't there in person to get him off, you have to make do with the phone. (note. I do not recommend actually inserting a phone. I still get calls on that phone occasionally and it is embarrassing to have your large intestine ring.)

    3) Have a plan. Circumstances are keeping you apart now. When circumstances change what will you guys be doing? Being in an LDR sucks. It is a lot of work. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my days in an LDR. But if I knew that we were going to be in the same town a few years down the road I would cope with it.
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    Apr 12, 2008 10:39 PM GMT
    I hate to sound like Debbie Downer, but I would plan on letting this go. I say that because I've been there before. When you meet someone that just seems so right and things click and you're just so infatuated it seems like you can't breath... it's easy to make lofty plans to make it work as a long distance relationship.

    But days or weeks after that initial giddiness, reality sinks in and you realize instead of a relationship, it was a nice experience that probably won't lead to anything.

    Enjoy it for what it was. If he turns around and starts contacting you and showing that he wants to make something work, great. But it sounds like he's already come down off of that giddy high.

    Heartbreaking, I know. But it's better to face it than pine for a relationship that in all likelihood isn't going to happen.

    (god, I sound so cynical!)

    By the way, how much distance are we talking?
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    Apr 13, 2008 1:01 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen saidI hate to sound like Debbie Downer, but I would plan on letting this go. I say that because I've been there before. When you meet someone that just seems so right and things click and you're just so infatuated it seems like you can't breath... it's easy to make lofty plans to make it work as a long distance relationship.

    But days or weeks after that initial giddiness, reality sinks in and you realize instead of a relationship, it was a nice experience that probably won't lead to anything.

    Enjoy it for what it was. If he turns around and starts contacting you and showing that he wants to make something work, great. But it sounds like he's already come down off of that giddy high.

    Heartbreaking, I know. But it's better to face it than pine for a relationship that in all likelihood isn't going to happen.

    (god, I sound so cynical!)

    By the way, how much distance are we talking?



    about 700 miles.. is it far?
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    Apr 13, 2008 1:15 AM GMT
    ItsMe236 saidHow should I make it work? It really sucks.. I've met a great guy and we had a wonderful time together. But now we are in different cities. What should I do to make it work? I am very committed and very serious with him. He said he were going to give it a try but he had to take it slow (which I agreed) but I am not sure how committed he was. Btw... I did ask him about that and he said that he was really into me.. but I dont know.. he hasn't proved much about that.. (he doesnt call or text me much at all.. )

    so.. I don't know.. and it's very killing me now..
    Thanks for reading and for the comments


    Ummm...they don't work at least in my experience.
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    Apr 13, 2008 1:19 AM GMT
    I could see it working if you guys were together for a long time before one had to move or something, but a new person. Forget it. Relationships are built on trust, Ya just don't have trust when ya first meet someone. Goes both ways for each person. You may have good intentions, but you really don't know him and he doesn't really know you. I've tryed it and it doesn't work.
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    Apr 13, 2008 1:34 AM GMT
    Firecat and I have had a long distance relationship for over 4 years now. I am outside Washington DC and he is in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada (...about 3 miles south of the Arctic Circle from the best I can tell).

    We met on a gay web site.

    The first year we were just acquaintances. Second year, friends. Third and beyond, committed to each other.

    I entered into the relationship because in Firecat, I found someone with the interests and intellect that I had not found in anyone else in all the years of my looking.

    We have stimulated each other to grow...I am amazed!

    We have had the normal experiences of going thru a number of life's events...including my cancer...together.

    Our long distance relationship has involved a lot of IM, camming (not x-rated), IPphone. We have just left our cams on so we watch each other all day long. I have watched him fall asleep on the sofa. And the cats walking around. His family come and go. We see more of each other than a collocated couple ...hahahaha

    However, lately his life has become just one crisis after another, and he wasnt doing anything to correct it.

    I told him I had had enough. I was just considering him a friend. Well, he is taking life altering steps to get his life under his control...hence the possible move to PEI.

    If this ends the interminable crises in his life, we may get back to being committed again.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Apr 13, 2008 2:33 AM GMT
    Moudi saidit doesnt work....i broke up with my boyfriend in lebanon because i traveled here and its been two years since i went back, and i probably wont be back soon...i dont think they can work with gay men..they are just too damn horny



    Sorry Moudi, we are in disagreement.. at least in part.
    The real answer here is it depends on the two people.
    I certainly understand Moudi's point about the "really" long distance (countries) between them, but there is more........
    You have to have a great deal in common, an understanding and trust. My bf and I are in a long distance relationship (it hasn't always been that way), but probably 7 of the 9 years, it has been long distance (about 90 miles)... it isn't the best thing, but it does work.

    I like Zombie's commentary.. I think thats a prudent avenue.
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    Apr 13, 2008 3:36 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan said[quote][cite]Moudi said[/cite]it doesnt work....i broke up with my boyfriend in lebanon because i traveled here and its been two years since i went back, and i probably wont be back soon...i dont think they can work with gay men..they are just too damn horny



    Sorry Moudi, we are in disagreement.. at least in part.
    The real answer here is it depends on the two people.
    I certainly understand Moudi's point about the "really" long distance (countries) between them, but there is more........
    You have to have a great deal in common, an understanding and trust. My bf and I are in a long distance relationship (it hasn't always been that way), but probably 7 of the 9 years, it has been long distance (about 90 miles)... it isn't the best thing, but it does work.

    I like Zombie's commentary.. I think thats a prudent avenue.[/quote]

    It can work, but not always...dont u ever think he might cheating? and what about being physically able to hug him and kiss his cheeks and just hold him?
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    Apr 14, 2008 6:59 AM GMT
    I think it can work. I was into these 3 month relation-ettes. One month intense getting to know each other, on month trying to work out what was wrong, and of course the break up.

    I found the long distance relationship helped us ease together. One weekend in my city, one weekend off and one weekend in his. It gave us both space to be ourselves and an intensity when we were together. Although I think we kept Bell Canada phone and Via rail in profit for two years.

    There has to be a lot of trust though, and several times I know I got very jealous. But it all sorted out and we lived together 12 years after that.

    It's because of how well that worked out that I'm considering another one - LDR that is - different continents - this is going to be a challenge.

    I think in an LDR the emphasis changes to trust and communication, which I alway find hard to focus on when the physical is right there.
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    Apr 14, 2008 9:42 PM GMT
    I'm pretty much open to it, but I think it's safe to say that majority aren't. Whatever floats the boat.

    Can it work? I can imagine it would be thrilling during the first few weeks or months, but down the line it might get horribly frustrating.

    The fact that the other person doesn't make an effort is indication enough for me.

    A few years ago there was a guy from the US who called me up everyday. We would talk as I went to work and he to bed. The time zones didn't matter much to us.

    But then it strangely got cut short. Maybe he realized he wasn't ready for a long-distance thing.

    Come to think of it...I don't think anyone can really be ready for it on the onset. It takes some real commitment.
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    Apr 15, 2008 12:40 AM GMT
    I've done an EastCoast/WestCoast relationship and it's hard. When you are together, remember to not just have fun and rekindle the passion, but also to work on any problems. It's so easy to ignore the challenges with limited time and just focus on the good stuff. The ignored stuff will not fix itself.
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    Apr 17, 2008 6:02 PM GMT
    april 21 of this year marks one year anniversary of my boyfriend and i being 'together'. i live in indiana, he lives in michigan. 72 miles separate us. we mangage to get together, physically, at least for one over-nighter per week, with more some weeks, and sometimes on weekends, depending upon his work schedule and time with his 14 year old son....

    we had opportunity of actually meeting at a gay party, and not online. we felt instant physical attraction and chemistry and have since come to care deeply one for the other, enjoying shared sense of humor, optomistic outlook on life, big hearts, compassion, communication,sharing of our feelings, trust...and some good amount of confusion as we try to establish just what we want together.

    we talk daily on the phone, often two-three times. we email couple of times per day. we send cards and letters couple of times per week...we even have ocassional phone sex....anything to keep a 'connection', even when not able to be with each other in person. For now, we take it slowly, as his son has 4 more years of schooling, and his son is top priority in his life at this time, as he should be. I take second seat to his son...but am first in priority in his man-to-man list..and i like that.

    so yes, long distance sucks, but it can work, if the two party's involved truly desire to make it work and are willing to be flexible in scheduling...and to keep in contact in whatever manner they can...
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    Apr 17, 2008 6:19 PM GMT
    my BF lived 3 hours away from me, now its 12 hours and 4 states between us, next month he will be in Iraq. It worked when we were 3 hours away, its working now, and im sure it will work when hes in Iraq. when he gets back from Iraq i will have moved again and we will be 2 hours away. the main reason i feel it works for us is that we text all the time he calls me everytime he gets off work (usually at 130am) and we see eachother 2 weekends a month. my job allows me to travel whenever i want and makes it eaiser to see him as much as we do even with the 860 miles between us but if it were'nt for that flexibilty i dont think it would work. another reason it works well is that unlike most gays we dont care for sex (theres a forum about g0ys, and thats how we both feel). If you BOTH try and do the best you can you'll find a way to make it work if thats what you BOTH truly want
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    Apr 19, 2008 3:04 AM GMT
    hey.. thnxs so much for all of the comments and suggestions. They were very helpful. But I don't know. I think I am kinda confused with myself. Yes, it would be easier and more sensible to end this. But I guess I am too scared and too weak to accept that I will actually lose him.
    :-(

    Anyway.. please keep posting your thoughts about this..