Do you ever overcome your feelings/thoughts about suicide?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 2:41 AM GMT
    I am just wondering if there is anybody out there who has ever dealt with such hopelessness that they wanted to end their life? I have thought about committing suicide for almost nine months. I think about it all day. I have plans just don't have the courage to go through with it. My feelings started over a guy who dropped me hard after I confessed my feelings to him. He then humiliated me to his friends, calling me all sorts of homophobic things. I saw a friend tonight who I think deliberately ignored me because we all used to be friends. I swore he liked me. He was all about me for a year. I mean, his reaction was unwarranted. But, it's not him, it's the rejection, and I think I have just had enough of it. I have experienced a lot of homophobic things in my life that it would make your head spin. Loss of all kinds simply because I am gay. I am at my wits end. I feel I can't take anymore of this and anymore of me. I just am consumed with thoughts of suicide. I feel I will not bounce back. I try so hard. Therapy, talking, anti-depressants, you name it. I just feel like I am nothing and I'm worthless. I am so disposable. I don't understand.

    Has anybody ever been where I am? I mean I am so low. You can't get any lower. The days blend together. I just go through the motions. I don't know if I'm going to make it to the end of the year. I used to be pretty resilient. I just feel like my life has no point or purpose. That if I ended my life it would not make a bit of difference to anybody, not family, friends, no one. I feel like God hates me, or I have such awful karma. I say that because I am fishing for any reason as to why I have been through all that I have been through. Any reason. I wish these thoughts would go away. Do they ever? How did you get through this? Thanks everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll be surprised how much stronger you will get.

    Also, continue to seek professional guidance. It does help.

    And, seek a community LGBT center where they have rap groups and such.

    If all else fails, pick up and move to San Francisco or some other huge gay mecca. The change of scenery might do you well.

    Also, look at your "self-talk". Don't speak negative into your life. Speak hope. It certainly can't hurt.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    Thanks. You're right about everything. But can I tell you, I do all of that. I volunteer and donate to a GLBT homeless shelter for youth. That is close to my heart. But, can you ever get beyond depression? As in...what's more severe than depression? I feel I am this. I feel as though goals, contributing, passion, etc. won't change my outlook. Where all of that just doesn't matter anymore. And, I see it as fact. It just feels like a band-aid, it doesn't change anything. I know, I have accomplished things where I feel nothing about it because I am still me. I am still this thing. I feel trapped inside this cement wall. I try not too focus on that or allow myself to get to that place, but it's very uncontrollable. I want so bad to snap out of this. Because that's what you're supposed to do.
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    Jun 03, 2011 5:49 AM GMT

    You need to call a suicide help line; right now, I'm not kidding you. Call 1-800-273-8255

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 6:10 AM GMT
    I used to have those and I did actually get over them.. lots of people I know have
  • Jericophantom...

    Posts: 185

    Jun 03, 2011 7:15 AM GMT
    in the shroud of darkness when my world seems lost I don't look outward I look within I see the power I hold the strength I wield the courage I hold and I think only of the "Light" and such feelings disappear
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    Jun 03, 2011 7:32 AM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    You need to call a suicide help line; right now, I'm not kidding you. Call 1-800-273-8255



    +10000000000

    Sounds like you are severely depressed and need treatment, medication and support. If you lived in the UK I'd come over and give you a huge, massive, suffocating bear hug (I'm not a bear tho hehheheheh) and hang with you.

    I understand depression and also suicidal thoughts.

    Big hug xxxx

    Call suicide hotline NOW.
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    Jun 03, 2011 7:41 AM GMT
    YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT FEELING DOES NOT LAST FOREVER! JUST WAAAAAAAIT IT OUT. Talk to someone and wait a while, within 10 minutes, an hour, a day, you might feel 10x better and snap out of it!!

    TRUST ME, It wont feel like that forever. Talk to someone, envision good things and all the people that would b crushed if u were gone.....u would ruin ppls lives
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 8:23 AM GMT
    I know that you tried therapy before, but maybe you should give it a shot and starting with a GLBT center is a good option.

    It sounds like you need a lot of reassurance that you are a good person and have a lot to offer someone else. It takes time to heal after a rejection, but if it is affecting you this deeply you need to get some help.

    If your thoughts of suicide become a plan or you feel unsafe you need to call the suicide hotline or the police to get yourself some help asap.

    I know it might seem like suicide is the easier option, but you're 24 years old and you can get better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 8:52 AM GMT
    So, it all started with rejection nine months ago?

    I was in love desperately with someone in my early twenties. She was everything I ever thought I wanted. Yes, she. I too didn't know if I'd make it.
    I cried. I talked to my friends until they didn't want to hear about it anymore.
    I was still struggling with accepting being gay....

    There comes a time in life when you have to learn to love yourself. Who gives a shit what others think? If you can't love yourself, why should anyone else?

    Take a good look at yourself and find out what it is about you that makes you special and unlike anyone else in the world.

    Look at poor Vincent Van Gogh......never sold one fucking painting (except to his brother) in his life....if he had only known how much the world would grow to love his work. He sold himself short. Of course, we don't all possess his talents, but still......at the time, art critics thought his work sucked.

    Allow yourself the benefit of the doubt. You are a work in progress like the rest of us.

    We all think the other guy has got it made....but do they? Maybe they are also hanging on as best as they can?

    And, if all else fails, be kind to yourself, as, hopefully, you would be to a stranger who is suffering...tell them to contact professional help. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, there really is. (And no, it's not usually an on-coming tractor trailer...lolz) If one form of therapy doesn't help, try another.

    What did you do that was so wrong???

    Being gay? Please........was it a conscious choice on your part?

    Learn to work the hand you've been dealt in life. You might be surprised how great it can be!
    icon_wink.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 9:04 AM GMT
    Yes.

    I realized that the life I really wanted, before I came out, was just not possible. Everyone else I knew, had that life, why couldn't I? It was not easy to accept that.

    But then I realized that I'm not like everyone else. Neither are you. We have to mold out our lives with a bigger hammer. We aren't like many, whose lives are already shaped. But you are not alone.

    I went from negative, to neutral, to positive. Take it one step at a time. Come to terms with it first and realize how special you are.

    Now, I'm proud to be gay. I am unique. And so are you.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Jun 03, 2011 9:18 AM GMT
    I've been there, and feel for you. But, you have to STOP those negative thoughts RIGHT NOW. Try to think like this-if you kill yourself now, there is NO turning back, what is done, cannot be undone. You are dead FOREVER. And for what? For some guy who want even remember you in a year time? Trust me, he or anybody else is not worth your life.
    Here are some web sites that may help
    http://www.lifetc.com/

    http://habitforge.com/

    http://suicide.com/
  • ursa_minor

    Posts: 566

    Jun 03, 2011 9:57 AM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    You need to call a suicide help line; right now, I'm not kidding you. Call 1-800-273-8255



    I agree with GG on this.

    Surround yourself with positive friends. Go out and have fun. It's almost summer, enjoy the sun!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 12:44 PM GMT
    Thanks for the thoughtful responses everybody. Your words do help. But, my sexuality isn't the problem. It's a problem for most others. Then I get booted. The guy rejecting me was just icing on the cake. He must have triggered something in me. My feelings evoked such anger and hostility from this dude.
  • 2PecanDeBeurr...

    Posts: 302

    Jun 03, 2011 12:59 PM GMT
    Gymrat100, you are not alone, I have those thoughts bombard me during my daily adventure. I have fought the demons constantly. Identifying the feeling has helped me to learn about my issues with life and being validated.
    I do volunteer work, go to college, treat myself to special meals(seafood, steak, oriental meals). Also this feelings help me to workout the frustration by lifting dumbbells, doing pushups, calisthentics and situps. The result is a feeling of accomplishment.
    The internal feelings from external negative/rejection sources make me turn it around to consider the source. Who are they to throw stones who live in glass houses, their life/opinions are invalid. Change the negative to positive energy, laugh, have fun and love you, that makes this adventure intriguing. I fought jumping off a cruiseship ( 2 cruises-7days) in the Caribbean, nobody would have known until later yet the thought of the effect on the living stopped me.
    j.c.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    Butterpecan, do you still have these feelings? Is it like sobriety? Do you have to constantly work through it? I feel this might be genetic.
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    Jun 03, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    mayBbignow saidYou have to find something that makes you important. Boosting of your ego of sorts. Like Im too important to the world to die


    Haha. I'm a douche bag.
  • 2PecanDeBeurr...

    Posts: 302

    Jun 03, 2011 2:13 PM GMT
    Yes, Gymrat100
    I have these feelings when some encounter triggers them, I have just celebrated 19 years of sobriety on 20 may. Just had people from Toronto and Chicago visit here for the Memorial day holiday-5 days of buffets, visiting areas in las vegas, laughing, being mischievious, people watching and being watched, making memories,
    j.c.
  • 2PecanDeBeurr...

    Posts: 302

    Jun 03, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    Yes for me it is genetic, both maternal and paternal relatives demonstrated this behavior yet constant vigilance is the solution. This is an adventure, you choosehow to travel it, making memories, being child like, ups/downs-like a roller coaster, screaming, aha moments, intrigue(Sherlock Holmes, Charlie Chan), whatever you imagine, ENJOY
    j.c.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 2:58 PM GMT
    Congrats on 19 years. That is awesome.

    Hmmm...these feelings are very strong. I feel they are apart of me. I am trying to get out if this. Thank you for sharing your story.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    I was unclear about the details of your story -- whether, for example, the guy you had the crush on was straight or gay. It seemed strange to me that another gay guy would attack you with homophobic insults.

    So I did a search and found that you've been writing for some time about your interaction with the asshole who not only rejected you but humilated you. It seems pretty clear that he's a hell of a lot more fucked up than you are.

    I know that doesn't help because once clnical depression settles in, it's very difficult to interrupt it, even after someone apologizes, as I think you reported happening in this case. You do mention being the object of homophobia before this incident, so I'm guessing that influences the way you responded to this jerk's torture of you.

    You say you have tried therapy and antidepressants. Are you still in therapy? Have you gotten therapy directed toward your sexuality? In such cases, group therapy is often more helpful than individual therapy. Also, many cities have "youth pride" centers and organizations that could be of help.

    At this point, you need direct intervention and I certainly think calling a suicide prevention hotline is a good idea, particularly if it's one directed to gay young people.

    I have been through two suicidal depressions and seen many clients who have. What you need is love and support. Depression is very isolating and it's a step in the right direction to share your experience here. Give yourself credit, because it's hard to reach out in such a frame of mind. Now take the next step, call the hotline and tell your therapist what's going on with you. I believe you said this happened 9 months ago. If you've not tried more than one antidepressant, it's time to try another.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    I have definitely had these feelings in the past, and I got over them, as I am sure many other people on here have. Mine were mainly as a result of substance abuse; didn't see you mention that as a causative factor, but it is always important to have a clear head in situations such as this. A lot of really good advice has been posted. You mention already trying medications, have you talked to your medical provider about trying other medications that might be more effective for you? If the therapist you are going to is not working, as you indicated, maybe you need to try a different one. And, once again, some great advice has been posted, it's just finding what works for you. Best of luck!
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    Gymrat:
    You are as important as any other person on the planet. You are a very sensitive guy I can see and sensitive people feel things the hardest. Take a look at artists and actors and performers who have achieved great success. A lot of them took their pain and used it to convey something that was special and unique and that others relate to. Being gay you have gifts believe it or not. The ability to see things from different sides. The guy who humiliated you has some big issues. Who would do that to someone else. Hurting others is not a sign of strength, it's bullying. Bullies were probably abused themselves and its learned behavior. If he never resolves that issue he is going to have serious problems in life.
    I agree you need to talk with someone and you need a little more exposure to other gays, and forgive me but working with GLBT homeless is not the answer. It's a great thing you're doing but think for a second. These are people who are suffering and have overbearing issues and pain. I think you may be transferring onto your own life and getting the worst view of being gay you can have. You have to be good to yourself first. So first take the steps to get yourself out of this hole you are in. Don't judge yourself, just take baby steps.
    You don't have to answer to anybody about who you are and when you meet the right people who don't either you are going to be happy. Happy dude. You dont have to do it alone remember
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    I know that the biggest thing that bothered me was having a good support group. My family life growing up sucked and when i came out to them it really didnt help any.

    With time, three thing really got me past dealing with a lot of my issues:

    * accepting that I love myself even though i am gay and not listening to people who gave me their opinion

    *gaining a lot of independence from family activities and spending it instead with friends and gay members who identify with what I have gone though

    *having a social life that supported getting away from the negative people who generally arent happy with their own lives.


    It seems that people who are unhappy tent to project that on other people because it makes them feel better.

    I hope you feel better and hope that this helps.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jun 03, 2011 4:14 PM GMT
    You have to focus on how much more YOU really have compared to others with so much less. Do you have your health? Can you walk? Can you see? Can you hear? Do you have food when you're hungry? A roof over your head? You can either choose to wallow in self-pity, or you can choose to be grateful and count your blessings that there are many in the world who have far less than you --- and yet they are managing to survive. If your sexuality is what is getting you down, then look around you right here on this site. Not a single one of us here didn't at one time in our lives have to deal with the guilt, fear, or confusion that comes with being gay and coming to terms with that. You are not alone, and it does get better. Hang in there, and seek counseling if you're able, even if it means going to a free clinic somewhere or an LBGT community center.