What would you do: Friend unknowingly outs himself to me.

  • kittar

    Posts: 314

    Jun 04, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    I have a buddy who I've known for about a year now. We met last summer through working with the same student organization on campus. In our fall semester, when a fraternity was looking to recolonize on campus, I encouraged him to look into it with me. We ended up joining and becoming founding fathers together, along with more than 40 other dudes. Being in the fraternity really caused us to become closer as friends. During the course of our friendship, he came to learn about my sexuality, and even gave me advice about coming out to the rest of the guys in the fraternity, expressing confidence that it would not cause any problems (which it didn't). He has expressed on more than one occasion his interest in women as a course of natural conversation. He has even gone on dates with a few girls here and there throughout the year.


    Today I needed for him to send me a copy of some correspondence in relation to the organization we're in. The correspondence happened to be in the form of a facebook chat/message log, so the easiest thing for him to do was to take a screenshot of the message and send it to me. I called him during the middle of the day. He didn't seem busy, so I asked him to send the pic to me. He did a few minutes after our phone conversation. And I looked at it. The screen shot included his Windows taskbar. And I noticed that on his taskbar there was one other item on it besides the facebook window that was up and visible. It read "Hairy Mature Daddy..."


    Now.

    I tried to think hard about what type of website could have that title to it. I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, I can only think of one type of site that would be called that... BUSTED....


    So what would you do? If your buddy inadvertently sent you a picture like that, that clearly shows he's been watching some daddyporn? Could I be wrong? Is there another type of website that I'm not thinking about which could bear that title? And if he is indeed watching that kind of stuff, should I approach him about it? Or should I let it be, always knowing in the back of my mind that he looks at that kinda stuff?
  • KorBri

    Posts: 161

    Jun 04, 2011 1:52 AM GMT
    you should just post that screen shot on www.failblog.com
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like you're just upset that he's into daddy's instead of you. icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    Send him back the screen shot and coach him to be more cautious when he sends stuff to folks. Couch it in a way that shows that you "have his back", and not that you're making fun of him.

    I've done this with friends who inadvertently have content which if they sent it to the wrong person could be disastrous for them.

    That might get the conversation going with him.
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    Is he hot?
  • kittar

    Posts: 314

    Jun 04, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    I see this guy only as a good friend.
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Jun 04, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    What is there to do? He's a good friend. Would this change anything? Don't make a big deal out of it. Just do your thing. Let him do his. Talk about going to a bar. Go on leather night. But it shouldn't be an issue.

    Peace,
    Bardy
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 04, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    This shouldn't change anything.
    If I were in your place, I'd just leave it alone.
    If he wants to come out to you, he will.
  • kittar

    Posts: 314

    Jun 04, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidThis shouldn't change anything.
    If I were in your place, I'd just leave it alone.
    If he wants to come out to you, he will.


    Yeah. I guess my thing is, he knows I'm gay, and also knows I'm a fairly confident, normal dude. I would want him to know that, if it turns out he IS a closeted gay friend and might be having a tough time dealing with his sexuality, he has someone he trusts to talk about it with.

    I just want him to know I'll be here if he needs it.
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    Jun 04, 2011 2:11 AM GMT
    kittar saidSo what would you do?

    Have you visited the site and confirmed its nature?

    If it is indeed gay, maybe he was just checking it out, possibly because of his curiosity about you being gay. Though why he used it for sending you something is a bit puzzling.

    For myself, I would just store this incident away, and wait to see what else happens next, if anything. I wouldn't say anything to anyone, including him. It's suggestive, but proves nothing.
  • kittar

    Posts: 314

    Jun 04, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    kittar saidSo what would you do?

    Have you visited the site and confirmed its nature?

    If it is indeed gay, maybe he was just checking it out, possibly because of his curiosity about you being gay. Though why he used it for sending you something is a bit puzzling.

    For myself, I would just store this incident away, and wait to see what else happens next, if anything. I wouldn't say anything to anyone, including him. It's suggestive, but proves nothing.


    Because the item on the taskbar was in a screenshot picture he sent me, there's no way of accessing the site. Typing "Hairy mature daddy" in a google search.. Well. I'm sure you can imagine the results.
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    Jun 04, 2011 2:28 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidSend him back the screen shot and coach him to be more cautious when he sends stuff to folks. Couch it in a way that shows that you "have his back", and not that you're making fun of him.

    I've done this with friends who inadvertently have content which if they sent it to the wrong person could be disastrous for them.

    That might get the conversation going with him.


    I think this is the best advice and I'd end it with a light joking approach. You could add "if you're doing this for me I'm really only into smooth immature sons". Seriously try not to make too big a deal because we have to reach a point someday where saying you're gay would be like a Jew telling you they are Jewish.
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    Jun 04, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    There's a good chance the title could be for straight porn, actually. I don't know how many times I've seen "Daddy f*cks girl" or "Hairy daddy wakes up wife" while perusing the pornwebs (which may or may not be an indicator of my habits), so I don't think "Mature Hairy Daddy" is as conclusive as it might sound.

    Gay or straight, though, I just say drop it. If he wants to tell you anything, including any of his furrier interests, then that's fine and I'm sure you'll be awesome about it. If not, then it's really his business.
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    Jun 04, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    I would do nothing about it. Nothing has changed, there is no need to discuss it. whether he is gay, bi, curious or actually just straight, he'll discuss that stuff when he's ready.

    I remember being discouraged when I first started coming out because I expected every guy who was even remotely curious to tell me that they were too and of course, back in high school, no one else did. I'm sure many of those guys are now living gay lives, they just weren't ready to talk about it back then.

    He's still your close friend, if he does turn out to be some day just be there for him when he finally decides to confide in you. Other than that, don't pry and don't try to save him and don't meddle.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 04, 2011 12:58 PM GMT
    I'm certainly approach it in an open minded way. I'd decide whether even to discuss it, and if so, certainly without any comments, "that you know what it means", so to speak. Let him talk about it and if he doesn't, don't pursue it....
    he sounds like a great friend, he'll tell you if he wants to go into it... if not, leave it behind.
  • Aus92

    Posts: 328

    Jun 04, 2011 1:04 PM GMT
    haha this is a total role reversal on me and one of my gay friends icon_razz.gif

    He found a link to some gay stuff on my computer (but he was literally searching through it all.. Ass.) and he didnt say a thing about it to me. Just let me go about it at my own pace.

    But then again when he was pissed off at me once he started telling people out of spite. (once again, ass)

    But then after I came out he told me he knew already and we just went on about our lives like nothing changed.

    Hes still a total ass btw.

    So whats the moral of this story? I dunno... I just wanted to rant.

    But if there is any sliver of a coda then I guess it would be dont go around telling people before he has a chance to! icon_evil.gif
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:12 PM GMT
    aerovaulter saidThere's a good chance the title could be for straight porn, actually. I don't know how many times I've seen "Daddy f*cks girl" or "Hairy daddy wakes up wife" while perusing the pornwebs (which may or may not be an indicator of my habits), so I don't think "Mature Hairy Daddy" is as conclusive as it might sound.

    Gay or straight, though, I just say drop it. If he wants to tell you anything, including any of his furrier interests, then that's fine and I'm sure you'll be awesome about it. If not, then it's really his business.



    Completely agree!!
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidSend him back the screen shot and coach him to be more cautious when he sends stuff to folks. Couch it in a way that shows that you "have his back", and not that you're making fun of him.

    I've done this with friends who inadvertently have content which if they sent it to the wrong person could be disastrous for them.

    That might get the conversation going with him.


    SMART AND CONSIDERATE MOVE. SECOND IT.
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    kittar said
    Webster666 saidThis shouldn't change anything.
    If I were in your place, I'd just leave it alone.
    If he wants to come out to you, he will.


    Yeah. I guess my thing is, he knows I'm gay, and also knows I'm a fairly confident, normal dude. I would want him to know that, if it turns out he IS a closeted gay friend and might be having a tough time dealing with his sexuality, he has someone he trusts to talk about it with.

    I just want him to know I'll be here if he needs it.


    For his benefit, you might want to send the screen shot back to him so he's aware that it is truly an 'entire screen' screen shot, tool bars and all.

    That way you help him and he knows you know and you don't have to say a word

    But you say he's into daddys ... hmmmm
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    Jun 04, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    Um, don't jump to conclusions? Looking at a website with gay porn doesn't make you gay icon_razz.gif

    I have seen plenty of straight porn websites and links with girls that doesn't make me straight.

    I think you need to tread carefully because you might not be coming up on homosexuality so much as a sexual desire he's not going to identify as being gay. But then we get into the endless debate of being attracted to masculineness and not being gay icon_razz.gif

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    Jun 04, 2011 1:48 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidSend him back the screen shot and coach him to be more cautious when he sends stuff to folks. Couch it in a way that shows that you "have his back", and not that you're making fun of him.

    I've done this with friends who inadvertently have content which if they sent it to the wrong person could be disastrous for them.

    That might get the conversation going with him.



    If you do take this approach I would just leave the conversation "bi-sexual" and funny like "dude, next time you send a screen shot make sure to get rid of the porn... Would have been bad if I was your boss and you were on company time! Lol" don't make an assumption! If any of my dudes did this they would laugh and not give a shit if it was straight porn... If it is gay he may then come out to you by talking about it. Either way I really don't think you should assume gay or pressure him to "come out"
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    Jun 04, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    kittar said
    [original message]....So what would you do?.....[original message continued...]


    Could this be due to spyware or pop out? Or a friend using his computer and he didn't check his screen carefully? Happens ya know? I just don't think why he should hide it from you if he know you're gay, and you guys are buddies. But maybe he's not ready, in that case don't push him. Let him out himself to you.

    Aus92 saidhaha this is a total role reversal on me and one of my gay friends icon_razz.gif

    He found a link to some gay stuff on my computer (but he was literally searching through it all.. Ass.) and he didnt say a thing about it to me. Just let me go about it at my own pace.

    But then again when he was pissed off at me once he started telling people out of spite. (once again, ass)

    But then after I came out he told me he knew already and we just went on about our lives like nothing changed.

    Hes still a total ass btw.

    So whats the moral of this story? I dunno... I just wanted to rant.

    But if there is any sliver of a coda then I guess it would be dont go around telling people before he has a chance to! icon_evil.gif


    LOL!!!!!!! I think that's the moral of your story.

    adam228 saidUm, don't jump to conclusions? Looking at a website with gay porn doesn't make you gay icon_razz.gif

    I have seen plenty of straight porn websites and links with girls that doesn't make me straight.

    [...more posting continued]



    You know, I like Adam's point. He's right, just cuz your curious doesn't mean you're into it.