Thinking of coming out! :| after 13 long years

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2011 5:55 PM GMT
    Parents are sorta heart patients.... Have a sister in New York, very few good friends.
    Who should i come out to first and how/what should i tell them? icon_neutral.gif
    Any Suggestions?
  • ShanksE

    Posts: 263

    Jun 05, 2011 10:45 PM GMT
    Hey Shashank,

    Coming out is never easy. And its not enforced either. Do it only when you feel comfortable with it. The first person I ever spoke to was a classmate from college when we were at a music competition. It was difficult, but she was very understanding and supportive. My greatest fear was that my best friends would hate me or not accept me for what I am. But when I told them they were extremely cool about it. Half the apprehensions about coming out are created in our mind. So don't worry and be strong.

    One paradigm that I have become acquainted with in recent times is the concept of 'letting in'. Letting in, as opposed to coming out, is an empowering thought which allows you to 'let in' people who are close to you into your life and allowing them into your personal space and letting them know about your sexuality. Think about it.

    Finally, I know how difficult it is to tell one's parents. It took me a lot of time and courage to tell my parents about my sexuality and it was not easy. I waited for the right time and till I had enough courage to talk to them about this issue and it was only then that I told them. However, once I told them about it, I found myself relaxing and being less stressed out. I hope and pray that it will be the same for you. Good luck and keep us updated on your progress! icon_smile.gif

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    Jun 05, 2011 11:06 PM GMT
    Come out to your sister. Bluntly tell her you're gay.
    Since you're very good friends with her, she'll probably take it as a non-issue.

    As for your parents, that's a tricky one. You know them better than any of us, so I won't advise on that. However, my father had heart problems when he found out (caught me and my ex fooling around). He died of a heart attack about a year later...presumably not related to knowing I'm gay, but he never did get over it.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Jun 06, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    Don't fool yourself. Your parents, sister and friends already know that you are gay. They are just being polite and not bringing up the topic until you bring it up. Believe me, they know.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jun 06, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    If you haven't brought a girl home since never, they already know. Brandon Burke's mother knew her son was gay, but she was afraid to ask him in case her instincts were wrong. She feared the damage she would do if she told a str8 son that she thought he was gay. Nobody in your family will care if you're gay. They'll only care that you are a stranger pretending to be str8.
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Jun 06, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    Dude, I live my life like everyone knows and it helps a crapload. Just do your thing. Correct people when they fix you up with their sisters. Your reaction--you're fear of "coming out" will taint the people you talk to. If you're scared, and you should be, for it will effect people's reactions, they'll see that you're scared and that being gay is a negative, difficult thing. However, if you're strong, and act like it's nothing, and incorporate it into your daily life? Think of your friends' reactions.

    But don't beat yourself up about this...you're a good person and don't deserve it.

    As for your parents? Yeah, they probably know. If you decide to make it a session or meeting, go for it, but remember how you respond will be part of how they understand it. Be positive. Emphasize that it is not out of the ordinary. Ask what supports they need, if any, and follow through. Don't show up with a boyfriend. Do take the time to listen to their concerns. Give them time to process.

    Hope that helps.

    Peace out and good luck....
    Bardy
  • RandiniG

    Posts: 1

    Jun 06, 2011 2:31 AM GMT
    Absolutely come out! The weight of the world will be off your shoulders and you will be able to breathe. The peace you feel when you're honest with yourself is an incredible feeling of relief. Coming out is not an easy event, but you've made the first step in coming out to yourself and us.

    You'll know when the time is right. I came out to two of my sisters at a restaurant. There's no better time to come out. "Please pass the salt, ketchup, and I'm gay."

    My other sister and parents in Wisconsin, I told them over the phone. Trust me this is all they deserved. Though, it is always better to tell someone in person.

    My closest friends already knew and were happy for me.

    This is the beginning of life! Embrace it.

    Hope for the best!

    The Great Randini
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    Shashank_Rosberg saidParents are sorta heart patients.... Have a sister in New York, very few good friends.
    Who should i come out to first and how/what should i tell them? icon_neutral.gif
    Any Suggestions?


    Reality is that, unless you're having sex with them, someone doesn't need to know. That being said, ask yourself the pros and cons of making a proclamation / big deal with the folks. If you think the pros outweigh the cons, then, proceed, otherwise, leave it alone. Almost certainly, unless they're complete idiots, they know already, and don't care. You likely need to give your relatives a bit more credence than you do now. If you're gay...as I say.....then almost certainly know unless they're the ignorant sort, and, reality is, do they NEED to know? Do you plan on fucking them?

    In a world of 7 billion folks, to get wrapped up in one's own sexuality is a bit silly. It is whatever it is, and, the only folks that really need to know (and they will) are the folks that you're having sex with. Other folks can think what they want, etc.

    I don't hide my sexuality. In fact, I'm very open about it, but, there's little to be gained by adding drama to your life. If telling the folks is a drama thing that adds no value, then...it's logical to not do it. If it's important to you that they KNOW your sexual preference, for certain, then, tell them. It's just sexual preference, and no big deal.

    Homo, hetero, bi, and asexual all happen all around us in Nature...all the time. In the big picture, your sexuality isn't much of a thing.

    It's very easy, and lots of folks do it, to get COMPLETELY caught in the whole sexual preference / self-identification / gay role thing. That's just plain STUPID.

    Tell 'em if you wanna'; don't tell 'em if you don't wanna / it's a big drama. Get on with your life. You dig boys. So what?

    Go tell everyone, if you want. You'll learn fast that your sexuality just simply is not that important to the vast majority of folks in The World. No one fucking cares unless they're nuts, and...why would you want anything to do with NUTS?
  • mav29x

    Posts: 12

    Jun 06, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    I may not be qualified to speak on this subject since although I have some homosexual attractions, I have never acted on any of them as of yet; but I did tell some people about.

    I looked at all of my friends and selected the ones who were closest to me and just told them. The first person I told was my best friend, whom I grew up with. Even though it was uncomfortable for me to talk, she was totally cool about it and provided a lot of comfort and support.

    The second person I told was actually one of my straight friends whom I was attracted to. I probed him for this view on homosexuality first before deciding to tell him. To my surprise, although he doesnt support the nature of homosexuality, he told me that I should do whatever makes me happy. I did admit that I had feelings for him but I respect his boundaries. He was cool with it and assured me that nothing would change between us. (He even apologized for not being gay).

    I think the friends closest to you have known you for so long that it shouldn't matter what your oritentation is because it doesnt really affect them and shouldnt affect your friendship, unless they're super religious or something and believes homosexuality is the work of satan... and I have known people like that.

    In the end, you know your friends. You know how they think so you should be able to figure out who can and can't accept this.

    Parents, on the other hand... I'm still trying to figure out. What they don't know won't hurt them right? Even if my did tell them, they'll be in denial anyway... so yea, can't help you on that one.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 3:20 AM GMT
    you sound very confused.
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Jun 06, 2011 6:29 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Shashank_Rosberg saidParents are sorta heart patients.... Have a sister in New York, very few good friends.
    Who should i come out to first and how/what should i tell them? icon_neutral.gif
    Any Suggestions?


    Reality is that, unless you're having sex with them, someone doesn't need to know. That being said, ask yourself the pros and cons of making a proclamation / big deal with the folks. If you think the pros outweigh the cons, then, proceed, otherwise, leave it alone. Almost certainly, unless they're complete idiots, they know already, and don't care. You likely need to give your relatives a bit more credence than you do now. If you're gay...as I say.....then almost certainly know unless they're the ignorant sort, and, reality is, do they NEED to know? Do you plan on fucking them?

    In a world of 7 billion folks, to get wrapped up in one's own sexuality is a bit silly. It is whatever it is, and, the only folks that really need to know (and they will) are the folks that you're having sex with. Other folks can think what they want, etc.

    I don't hide my sexuality. In fact, I'm very open about it, but, there's little to be gained by adding drama to your life. If telling the folks is a drama thing that adds no value, then...it's logical to not do it. If it's important to you that they KNOW your sexual preference, for certain, then, tell them. It's just sexual preference, and no big deal.

    Homo, hetero, bi, and asexual all happen all around us in Nature...all the time. In the big picture, your sexuality isn't much of a thing.

    It's very easy, and lots of folks do it, to get COMPLETELY caught in the whole sexual preference / self-identification / gay role thing. That's just plain STUPID.

    Tell 'em if you wanna'; don't tell 'em if you don't wanna / it's a big drama. Get on with your life. You dig boys. So what?

    Go tell everyone, if you want. You'll learn fast that your sexuality just simply is not that important to the vast majority of folks in The World. No one fucking cares unless they're nuts, and...why would you want anything to do with NUTS?


    Chucky I don't always agree with your posts, but is very good advice. Thank you for posting!

    I have yet to come out to my dad's side of the family (parents are divorced). A lot of my friends have given me crap for not doing so, but the way I see it is that his knowing wouldn't change our relationship at all. So unless he asks or expresses interest in this part of my life, there's no need to bring drama upon myself and just muddy the waters.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 6:55 AM GMT
    Tell them.

    A sister would probably be the first choice, then the friends.

    It will never be comfortable, so don't put it off. The sooner the better. It's like a really sticky band-aid.

    Parents are tough. You gotta gear up for that one. When you do, give them time. It isn't because they don't love you anymore, they're just trying to come to grips with it.

    But most of all, tell them. You'll be glad you did. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:22 AM GMT
    Just get on with your life, and let that do the talking for you. Only guys with a wife need to come out as being someone their wife may never knew. Get on with living your life and have fun.
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:35 AM GMT
    Just start with your sister
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    Jun 06, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    True_blue_aussie saidJust get on with your life, and let that do the talking for you. Only guys with a wife need to come out as being someone their wife may never knew. Get on with living your life and have fun.
    This would be good advice, if you were willing to grow distant from your family. If you want them to play a meaningful role in your life, however, True_Blue's advice is awful.

    Come out to your sister first. Make sure you count on her support before you come out to your parents. And by "her support" I mean more towards them than towards you. They will need someone who is not you to tell them "everything will be ok." They probably won't want to talk to their friends and siblings about it at first. So being able to talk it through with their daughter will bring them solace.
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    Jun 06, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    My coming out hierachy:

    1. Come out to yourself
    2. Come out to online friends
    3. Come out to real life friends
    4. Come out to parents
    5. Come out to brother
    6. Come out to extended family (including grandparents - which I asked my parents to do because I didn't have a clue how to even raise the subject)
    7. Come out to select people at work

    Not saying you have to do it in that order at all though!

    Hopefully your sister will be on your side. That will make it easier to speak to your parents about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    I have come out of the closet...... finally!!
  • anfguy8989

    Posts: 9

    Jun 06, 2011 11:48 PM GMT
    I'm happy for you, how did it go?

  • Jun 07, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    monet saidDon't fool yourself. Your parents, sister and friends already know that you are gay. They are just being polite and not bringing up the topic until you bring it up. Believe me, they know.


    This is not always true. My sister at least thought about it, but my parents had no clue.
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:19 AM GMT
    It is important to understand that sexual orientation is a very private matter ... However, it is acceptable to let your friend or loved one know that you are gay.
    Good luck Shashank!icon_wink.gif
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Jun 07, 2011 12:38 AM GMT
    az_softball_guy said
    monet saidDon't fool yourself. Your parents, sister and friends already know that you are gay. They are just being polite and not bringing up the topic until you bring it up. Believe me, they know.


    This is not always true. My sister at least thought about it, but my parents had no clue.


    Aw, wasn't that sweet of them to tell you that. They seem like lovely people.
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    Jun 07, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    Shashank_Rosberg saidI have come out of the closet...... finally!!

    The story?
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    Jun 07, 2011 6:57 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Shashank_Rosberg saidI have come out of the closet...... finally!!

    The story?



    Well.... my "coming out" conversation with my sister lasted for nearly two and half hours where i had to spend more than one and half hours convincing her that i was gay. She said she had no idea/clue that i was gay. She thought i was pulling her leg when i showed her a screenshot of my RealJock profile........ which barely convinced her. So, she forced me to send the link of this site (along with my username and password) which i did, which she thought i had created temporarily to play pranks with her. I then took the ultimate step in convincing her, where i swore in the name of god, in the name of my mother and told her that i was gay.

    Unsurprisingly, she was sad/concerned after i came out to her. Concerned about my future/parents' future/parents' respect/family respect.

    She suggested me to think that i was straight, which i denied. She even asked me to marry a girl after three/four years which i emphatically dissented by saying that i had no intention in serving injustice to myself or to a girl.

    She wasn't really upset/sad because i was gay, she was sad because she was more concerned about my parents. So, a big question mark still hangs over "coming out to parents!!" task, and it promises to be a herculean task. I have absolutely no idea on how/whether to come out to parents icon_sad.gif Also, i feel slightly ashamed for keeping my sister on tenterhooks by coming out icon_sad.gif

  • Jun 12, 2011 9:48 AM GMT
    monet said
    az_softball_guy said
    monet saidDon't fool yourself. Your parents, sister and friends already know that you are gay. They are just being polite and not bringing up the topic until you bring it up. Believe me, they know.


    This is not always true. My sister at least thought about it, but my parents had no clue.


    Aw, wasn't that sweet of them to tell you that. They seem like lovely people.


    And you seem quite secure yourself, ya know, with all your pictures in your profile. Asshole.
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    Jul 02, 2011 8:08 AM GMT
    When is the right time to come out to parents?
    Coming out to my sister hasn't done anything helpful to me icon_sad.gif