I can't get over my ex and stop casually seeing him.

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    Jun 06, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    I'm stuck in a very vicious cycle. I know everything that's wrong but I don't know how to go about stopping what I'm doing and what's happening.

    I can't stop thinking about my ex and I can't stop having casual sex with him. I guess it's the bad boys a lot of people fall for and he's the epitome of an uncaring, player, bad boy type. He's a completely emotionally unavailable, he is currently seeing and sleeping with multiple guys, he has several guys in love with him who he cares nothing about.

    He's not the hottest guy but he's sexy and cute. We were only together for 3 months and he told me I lasted longer than most. He quickly goes through guys and says that they are meaningless and sex is just sex and I have yet to see him really have any real emotions. He has been very consistent when it comes to showing no emotion or getting sucked into anyone else's emotions.

    He sometimes uses me for sex and I let it happen and sometimes I go to him. He always tells me he doesn't want me and doesn't want to have sex with me but it keeps happening. He won't talk about it other than to clarify that we aren't together and he doesn't have feelings and he doesn't really want to have sex with me.

    I can't stop thinking about who he's having sex with and what he's doing. No matter how much he says he doesn't want to be with me or have sex. If I ask to come over nine times out of ten he will say yes if some guy isn't already over there.


    There are time where we hang out and do things that are not sexual. We go out to eat, watch movies, etc. and I love that.

    We recently had a two week break and I thought I could use it to get over him. But I didn't I just thought of him everyday and longed for his return. Now he's back and it's the same all over again. I thought that focusing on the fact that he sleeps around a lot would deter me from sleeping with him so easily but it hasn't worked either.

    This is the strangest thing I've ever been involved in. I am acting completely desperate, I am at a loss at how to stop it. I am attractive and I get attention from my fair share of guys. But I've been ignoring them all, not dating and just focusing on this guy who I can't really have. I'll even text him when I'm out with a new potential guy.

    How can I have the courage to just move on. The truth is he's gotta go. It's not beneficial to me at all but the thought of walking away from him and of him being gone is so terrifying.

    How can I just get back to normal and stop chasing after this guy who won't ever respect me, give me 100 percent of himself or his time, or treat me like I'm worth a damn. And start paying attention to the new guys that are trying to date who may treat me like I'm worth something.

    I never thought I'd be doing something like this, or even going for this bad boy type but here I am. HELP please!

    Thanks guys.
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:10 AM GMT
    The longer you have contact with him, the harder it'll be to let go. It's not easy, but you'll be doing yourself a favor if you walk away. If he isn't into it by now, don't hold your breath.
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    Jun 06, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    Find a guy to fuck around with today even if you have to force yourself. Chemistry with your date ( hormones) will erase your dependence on your ex. Emotions /feelings are way more chemically based then people like to admit.
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    Jun 06, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Hopefully you will someday have a relationship that is substantial enough to know that a three month affair is by far an ex-boyfriend.

    Get yourself out there and away from this guy. Unless you can separate sex from your emotional self, you are doomed (I myself can't either).
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    Jun 06, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    Situations like this are hard, almost as a drug addict going thru rehab. You have to cut him off...today....right now before he does even more damage to you man. The longer you keep messing with him being his play toy the longer it will be until you find a man that will treat you like you deserve, with love & respect.
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    Jun 06, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    I think the first thing that comes to my old not-yet-bitter-mind is "Fix Yourself First"
    Go out and meet people without a sexual context. Gay softball, chorus, etc. I'm no shrink (my husband is tho) but I do know that you need to learn to have gay friends -real friends you share things with and be the type of person you want to have as a boyfriend.

    Honestly, would you date anyone that is still having 'casual sex' with his ex.. for me that would be a nano second deal breaker.

    Fix yourself first

    Good luck
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    Jun 06, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    I agree with RedBull and Bigsmiles......you need to get out and meet others who share your likes and move on. Staying away from him and letting him know why, (if he calls you) is important. You deserve better.
    Keep us posted buddy.
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidFind a guy to fuck around with today even if you have to force yourself. Chemistry with your date ( hormones) will erase your dependence on your ex. Emotions /feelings are way more chemically based then people like to admit.


    This actually is sorta a good idea. I say sorta because this guy was that ying to my last relationship's yang. But it went awry as you saw in the long story I typed out. So I could do that again but I don't want to get attached to this new person.
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:54 PM GMT
    redbull saidSituations like this are hard, almost as a drug addict going thru rehab. You have to cut him off...today....right now before he does even more damage to you man. The longer you keep messing with him being his play toy the longer it will be until you find a man that will treat you like you deserve, with love & respect.


    I cut him off today. We were supposed to watch a movie tonight and now we are not going to do that. I feel like I'm just going to force myself to live without him. Right now. It's going to really sting but I'm not going to give up or give in. It's cold turkey for me. Thank you so much for your advice.
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    Jun 06, 2011 7:57 PM GMT
    Bigsmiles saidI think the first thing that comes to my old not-yet-bitter-mind is "Fix Yourself First"
    Go out and meet people without a sexual context. Gay softball, chorus, etc. I'm no shrink (my husband is tho) but I do know that you need to learn to have gay friends -real friends you share things with and be the type of person you want to have as a boyfriend.

    Honestly, would you date anyone that is still having 'casual sex' with his ex.. for me that would be a nano second deal breaker.

    Fix yourself first

    Good luck


    You are so right also. There is some self-fixing that needs to be done. My attachment issues. This is the first wrong guy I've ever gotten attached to after hearing friends stories and saying I'd never be that one but here I am. So yes, the self will get a thorough healing. Thank you so much for your response.
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    Jun 06, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    AlienRobot saidI'm stuck in a very vicious cycle. I know everything that's wrong but I don't know how to go about stopping what I'm doing and what's happening.

    I can't stop thinking about my ex and I can't stop having casual sex with him. I guess it's the bad boys a lot of people fall for and he's the epitome of an uncaring, player, bad boy type. He's a completely emotionally unavailable, he is currently seeing and sleeping with multiple guys, he has several guys in love with him who he cares nothing about.

    He's not the hottest guy but he's sexy and cute. We were only together for 3 months and he told me I lasted longer than most. He quickly goes through guys and says that they are meaningless and sex is just sex and I have yet to see him really have any real emotions. He has been very consistent when it comes to showing no emotion or getting sucked into anyone else's emotions.

    He sometimes uses me for sex and I let it happen and sometimes I go to him. He always tells me he doesn't want me and doesn't want to have sex with me but it keeps happening. He won't talk about it other than to clarify that we aren't together and he doesn't have feelings and he doesn't really want to have sex with me.

    I can't stop thinking about who he's having sex with and what he's doing. No matter how much he says he doesn't want to be with me or have sex. If I ask to come over nine times out of ten he will say yes if some guy isn't already over there.


    There are time where we hang out and do things that are not sexual. We go out to eat, watch movies, etc. and I love that.

    We recently had a two week break and I thought I could use it to get over him. But I didn't I just thought of him everyday and longed for his return. Now he's back and it's the same all over again. I thought that focusing on the fact that he sleeps around a lot would deter me from sleeping with him so easily but it hasn't worked either.

    This is the strangest thing I've ever been involved in. I am acting completely desperate, I am at a loss at how to stop it. I am attractive and I get attention from my fair share of guys. But I've been ignoring them all, not dating and just focusing on this guy who I can't really have. I'll even text him when I'm out with a new potential guy.

    How can I have the courage to just move on. The truth is he's gotta go. It's not beneficial to me at all but the thought of walking away from him and of him being gone is so terrifying.

    How can I just get back to normal and stop chasing after this guy who won't ever respect me, give me 100 percent of himself or his time, or treat me like I'm worth a damn. And start paying attention to the new guys that are trying to date who may treat me like I'm worth something.

    I never thought I'd be doing something like this, or even going for this bad boy type but here I am. HELP please!

    Thanks guys.




    Oh goodness..... I'm gonna say this once, and I say it because I care:

    Girl...You need to get it together.

    Logically you know all of the right things. You know he is a player, you know he doesn't respect you. You even say he has to go.

    But something keeps you holding on.

    Perhaps its a fantasy of being able to 'rescue' him... making him commit to you and showing him he can have more than meaningless sex with multiple guys. There is some mystique in that lifestyle... it seems so easy and fun. But in reality its just as difficult as the person who is constantly lovesick.

    Another less fun possibility is the idea that underneath it all, you found someone to help you confirm an underlying belief that you actually don't deserve any better than what he offers.

    You have to think about what he activates in you... this 'desperation' that has occurred after you guys had your period of dating.

    You are saying he sleeps around so much... well like you said, that should be enough of a deterrent. I know exactly how dirty the queens in DC are... and if I were you I wouldn't mess with a guy who is dipping his stick in any willing hole. I only hope that you are using the appropriate precautions.... The guy sounds a bit antisocial, or at the very least emotionally fucked.

    So just do yourself a favor. Cut him out of your life... just as he would to someone who he doesnt really give a shit about. If he affords you no respect - then why should you?

    so... delete his number, defriend him on facebook, block him on gchat, block him on grindr and manhunt.... do what you need to do to get him out of your life.

    I promise you, you wont regret it. It will just take a week or two to move on from him.... and after that time, you'll be like, "what was I thinking?"

    Turn out the lights on him.... its time to cut the cord.



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    Jun 06, 2011 8:37 PM GMT
    AlienRobot said
    Alpha13 saidFind a guy to fuck around with today even if you have to force yourself. Chemistry with your date ( hormones) will erase your dependence on your ex. Emotions /feelings are way more chemically based then people like to admit.


    This actually is sorta a good idea. I say sorta because this guy was that ying to my last relationship's yang. But it went awry as you saw in the long story I typed out. So I could do that again but I don't want to get attached to this new person.


    It's very hard to break a habit because the mind will fixate on it. It's relatively easy to get distracted though. So mess around with a new guy as soon as possible. The hormones that get activated will flood the brain and basically rewrite those areas that are troubling you and you will find yourself wondering what the fuss was about.
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    Jun 06, 2011 8:59 PM GMT
    AlienRobot said
    redbull saidSituations like this are hard, almost as a drug addict going thru rehab. You have to cut him off...today....right now before he does even more damage to you man. The longer you keep messing with him being his play toy the longer it will be until you find a man that will treat you like you deserve, with love & respect.


    I cut him off today. We were supposed to watch a movie tonight and now we are not going to do that. I feel like I'm just going to force myself to live without him. Right now. It's going to really sting but I'm not going to give up or give in. It's cold turkey for me. Thank you so much for your advice.


    Its not easy man....we all know what your going thru. BE STRONG! be the better man. Find anything & everything you need to do to keep busy & your mind off of him. Its been 6 mnths since I broke up with my ex & I still think of him everyday.

    You deserve better.....say it to you4self right now...."i deserve better". Zbm has good advice also, he knows what hes talking about, listen to him. Remember your not alone, stay busy, & even though we might be far away from each other....we got your back brother. We are all in this together.

    You have to want it & believe it......"i deserve better" and when you feel down & weak, reach out to us, as gay men we need each other, we know you can do it, now you need to believe it.

    Cut him off.....NO CONTACT....the second you do he will use you & this starts all over again. Trust me, Ive been there, I know.
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    AlienRobot said
    Alpha13 saidFind a guy to fuck around with today even if you have to force yourself. Chemistry with your date ( hormones) will erase your dependence on your ex. Emotions /feelings are way more chemically based then people like to admit.


    This actually is sorta a good idea. I say sorta because this guy was that ying to my last relationship's yang. But it went awry as you saw in the long story I typed out. So I could do that again but I don't want to get attached to this new person.


    It's very hard to break a habit because the mind will fixate on it. It's relatively easy to get distracted though. So mess around with a new guy as soon as possible. The hormones that get activated will flood the brain and basically rewrite those areas that are troubling you and you will find yourself wondering what the fuss was about.



    This is nonsense.... then what he is doing is working to become just like the guy he is trying to get over? He needs to work on the emotional issues.... not just attempt to overwrite them or push them aside by fucking someone else.

    Your idea that everything is hormones has some grain of truth but you are abusing the idea in your attempt to oversimplify that which is inherently complicated....
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:05 PM GMT
    Outta sight is outta mind. Delete his number and block it. Ignore any emails. Etc etc. You know what to do...but you have to CHOOSE to do it.
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:05 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 said
    Alpha13 said
    AlienRobot said
    Alpha13 saidFind a guy to fuck around with today even if you have to force yourself. Chemistry with your date ( hormones) will erase your dependence on your ex. Emotions /feelings are way more chemically based then people like to admit.


    This actually is sorta a good idea. I say sorta because this guy was that ying to my last relationship's yang. But it went awry as you saw in the long story I typed out. So I could do that again but I don't want to get attached to this new person.


    It's very hard to break a habit because the mind will fixate on it. It's relatively easy to get distracted though. So mess around with a new guy as soon as possible. The hormones that get activated will flood the brain and basically rewrite those areas that are troubling you and you will find yourself wondering what the fuss was about.



    This is nonsense.... then what he is doing is working to become just like the guy he is trying to get over? He needs to work on the emotional issues.... not just attempt to overwrite them or push them aside by fucking someone else.

    Your idea that everything is hormones has some grain of truth but you are abusing the idea in your attempt to oversimplify that which is inherently complicated....


    Agreed, clearly the OP needs to go out, buy a diary, bring it home, write a sad poem in it, and move on.
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:08 PM GMT
    Co-dependents Anonymous.

    A CODA meeting can help. Try it.
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:18 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 said
    AlienRobot saidI'm stuck in a very vicious cycle. I know everything that's wrong but I don't know how to go about stopping what I'm doing and what's happening.

    I can't stop thinking about my ex and I can't stop having casual sex with him. I guess it's the bad boys a lot of people fall for and he's the epitome of an uncaring, player, bad boy type. He's a completely emotionally unavailable, he is currently seeing and sleeping with multiple guys, he has several guys in love with him who he cares nothing about.

    He's not the hottest guy but he's sexy and cute. We were only together for 3 months and he told me I lasted longer than most. He quickly goes through guys and says that they are meaningless and sex is just sex and I have yet to see him really have any real emotions. He has been very consistent when it comes to showing no emotion or getting sucked into anyone else's emotions.

    He sometimes uses me for sex and I let it happen and sometimes I go to him. He always tells me he doesn't want me and doesn't want to have sex with me but it keeps happening. He won't talk about it other than to clarify that we aren't together and he doesn't have feelings and he doesn't really want to have sex with me.

    I can't stop thinking about who he's having sex with and what he's doing. No matter how much he says he doesn't want to be with me or have sex. If I ask to come over nine times out of ten he will say yes if some guy isn't already over there.


    There are time where we hang out and do things that are not sexual. We go out to eat, watch movies, etc. and I love that.

    We recently had a two week break and I thought I could use it to get over him. But I didn't I just thought of him everyday and longed for his return. Now he's back and it's the same all over again. I thought that focusing on the fact that he sleeps around a lot would deter me from sleeping with him so easily but it hasn't worked either.

    This is the strangest thing I've ever been involved in. I am acting completely desperate, I am at a loss at how to stop it. I am attractive and I get attention from my fair share of guys. But I've been ignoring them all, not dating and just focusing on this guy who I can't really have. I'll even text him when I'm out with a new potential guy.

    How can I have the courage to just move on. The truth is he's gotta go. It's not beneficial to me at all but the thought of walking away from him and of him being gone is so terrifying.

    How can I just get back to normal and stop chasing after this guy who won't ever respect me, give me 100 percent of himself or his time, or treat me like I'm worth a damn. And start paying attention to the new guys that are trying to date who may treat me like I'm worth something.

    I never thought I'd be doing something like this, or even going for this bad boy type but here I am. HELP please!

    Thanks guys.




    Oh goodness..... I'm gonna say this once, and I say it because I care:

    Girl...You need to get it together.

    Logically you know all of the right things. You know he is a player, you know he doesn't respect you. You even say he has to go.

    But something keeps you holding on.

    Perhaps its a fantasy of being able to 'rescue' him... making him commit to you and showing him he can have more than meaningless sex with multiple guys. There is some mystique in that lifestyle... it seems so easy and fun. But in reality its just as difficult as the person who is constantly lovesick.

    Another less fun possibility is the idea that underneath it all, you found someone to help you confirm an underlying belief that you actually don't deserve any better than what he offers.

    You have to think about what he activates in you... this 'desperation' that has occurred after you guys had your period of dating.

    You are saying he sleeps around so much... well like you said, that should be enough of a deterrent. I know exactly how dirty the queens in DC are... and if I were you I wouldn't mess with a guy who is dipping his stick in any willing hole. I only hope that you are using the appropriate precautions.... The guy sounds a bit antisocial, or at the very least emotionally fucked.

    So just do yourself a favor. Cut him out of your life... just as he would to someone who he doesnt really give a shit about. If he affords you no respect - then why should you?

    so... delete his number, defriend him on facebook, block him on gchat, block him on grindr and manhunt.... do what you need to do to get him out of your life.

    I promise you, you wont regret it. It will just take a week or two to move on from him.... and after that time, you'll be like, "what was I thinking?"

    Turn out the lights on him.... its time to cut the cord.





    I agree with you. "Cut him out of your life...just as he would to someone who he really doesn't give a shit about." I forced myself to cancel on him tonight and it was really hard. So this was step 1 and 1 light out. As for Facebook and all those other points that's a mountain to climb in turning those lights out. But they too must be hurdled. I think when I made this post 2 nights ago, it was hours after I hadn't seen him for two weeks and we'd just hooked up and he went home.

    After the hook up I realized that I finally reached that point where we just can't anymore. It feels good because after reading you guys advice I think I can finally do this. Usually after I'd hook up with him I'd have all sorts of emotions and feel close to him and interpret the sex and his presence as he likes me. This last time I just was like oh, good sex but I didn't feel towards him and he could sense it and asked me a strange question and he's never done that. He wanted to know if it was good. He never really cared about if I thought it was good or not. I just said oh it was just sex I"m not really thinking about it and for the first time I saw a slight confusion on his face but he just changed the subject. I think he can see that for the first time I wasn't anchored. Now that I'm not anchored I'm ready to float away. Thanks for your advice.
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    Jun 06, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    You need to set boundaries for yourself. I have learned that in my teens.