Should I throw my feelings and emotions out the window and be like my friend?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    I have a friend who, by self-proclamation and by my own witness, has no emotions and feelings when it comes to dealing with guys. He's very cut and dry. He doesn't seem to react to anything boys do or say and it's VERY hard to get a rise out of him. He serial dates without any attachment and he has lots of guys chasing him because he's so emotionally unavailable and uncaring. He's not at all fazed by guys and their antics.

    He tells guys up front that he dates a lot of people and is not interested in any serious commitment and that he doesn't fall in love and they just accept this very easily. It's surprising how easy. He's a cute guy, not super hot but okay looking so looks definitely are not the primary reason he gets so many guys. They end up falling in love with him thinking that they will be the one to make him monogamous and willing to be in a relationship. But his relationships last any where from a week to 2 months tops before he's very bored and just dumps them. And because he really was building no attachment the guys are always left coldly with all their emotions thrown in. Even after he hurts these guys they chase after him and he can call them for sex and they just give in and he can get them to do things for him.

    I feel like because I am polar opposite I find my emotions on a roller coaster ride when dating and dealing with guys and I'm too available so I'm not a commodity. If I date and it doesn't work out I feel rejected and sad and wait to date again. I'm always the one on the end of getting played because I believe in love and in guys being good over all. He doesn't so he's not ever "played."

    Do you guys know anyone who is detached like this or are you this way yourself? I feel like my life would be so much better if I just cut the expectations and the emotion and deal with guys very blankly.

    I realize my friend could have had some serious issues which is why he's this way but his life is so simple because of it. I'm tired of feeling hurt and emotional about guys.
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    Jun 06, 2011 8:44 PM GMT
    First, don't try to be someone that you are not. Honestly, that's not a trait that I think many guys will look for, especially if you are pretending. Second, even if its something you would do, its so hard to change who YOU are.

    Don't compare yourself to him in terms of what works and what doesn't. You have to ask yourself what you would get out of it. I don't think that would be much. Nice guys do eventually find a guy. However, guys like your friend end up breaking a lot of guys hearts. IF you are willing to do that (because don't think that EVERYBODY likes him and wants that because I am positive that he gets talked about behind his back) then do it.

    I think two things help out a lot, make yourself available, but don't give that "i need you impression". It makes you look desperate even if you aren't. Just don't go too hard. Just let things happen. I usually just talk to people as friends and not as "i want more from you" and that's how good things developed for me.

    good luck dude icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    Yes, your friend may have some serious emotional and social issues.

    Possibly even psychopathologic and/or sociopathologic issues.

    Don't be like him. Be yourself. Be how your heart calls you to be.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16412

    Jun 06, 2011 9:08 PM GMT
    I agree with the above guys.. you have to be you and the way you are comfortable.

    Now your friend... interesting. I think it's all about not wanting to be "hurt" or getting caught up in all the drama that seems to go on or to be "yanked along". It is about "control" with him and he wants to remain in control as he deals with the gay scene. Part of it I totally understand....

    But at some point, you have to show trust, appreciation and love.. My worry is that he has little of it to give.
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    Jun 06, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    I think you friend has some serious issues, but this behavior is symptomatic with an increasingly cold, detached world of technology and isolation. Possibly your friend has had a traumatic background and doesn't feel that he is lovable and just puts on his robot hat.

    I really like someone who is very human, if not, I could just go buy a blow up doll.

    Please be yourself...
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:48 AM GMT
    Yeah, I hear you, dont be like that... that will not sit well with people and like is being said up here, they are not liked in the end... shortly, but quickly over, is that what you want?
  • groundcombat

    Posts: 945

    Jun 07, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    This sounds like a gay movie plot.
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    Jun 07, 2011 4:36 AM GMT
    My take: This is about "confidence". By your description, your buddy comes across as being self-sufficient. Therefore, not only can he provide for himself, he also has enough left over to provide for others and even choose who to and who not to provide for. "Provide for" = "giving pleasure/security".

    Guys who are not in control of their emotions tend to be needy. They can't fill in their own blanks much less those belonging to other guys. They need to "receive pleasure", needing input, attention, response etc. In my view, there seem to be a lot more gay guys in this group than the former. That may also explain why he has so many options.

    How do you build confidence and become self-sufficient? Start small. Focus on what you're good at (beyond sex) and practice another trait until you're confident in the new trait. Then add another trait.... and on. Why does this work? Because practice leads to familiarity. Familiarity leads to comfort. Comfort leads to belief. Belief leads to confidence. The more things you are confident about, the more confident you become. Book it. Good luck man.