Is it hard making new gay friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:06 PM GMT
    Do you think that there are barriers in developing new platonic relationships that are only present in the gay life style? Why or why not?
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:19 PM GMT
    Yeah...it's like trying to be friends with females; everyone just wants sex.
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:21 PM GMT
    Its been difficult (for me) because I came out very late and assumed making a gay friend was going to be as simple as making a straight one. However, I've found that guys typically feel the need to sleep with each other first, to determine the strength of their sexual compatibility vs friendship compatibility. The verdict dictates if you've made a new gay friend or just another "piece" who you'll run into ocassionally while you're out and about. I jokingly refer to this as the "gay friendship initiation". Strangely enough, gay men don't find it odd that they've slept with most of their friends. Fortunately, I've made friends through my partner, which got me a pass from having to complete the "gay friendship initiation".

    I'd be curious to know how many guys on here have slept with at least half of their friends in the past.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 07, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    It can be very clickish in certain cases. I have a broad variety of friends and not from any "group" per se... but those that are in a clique can be unwelcoming. It doesn't make you feel very good when you see it. One of my friends here in Wichita has experienced it. I thought he was exaggerating about it (very nice guy himself). Apparently the guys in the group didn't think he was "rich enough" or .. maybe it was the fact he doesn't get drunk on a weekly basis.....
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    atlboy713 saidDo you think that there are barriers in developing new platonic relationships that are only present in the gay life style? Why or why not?
    Even if the typical "community" obsessions with appearance, age, and wealth weren't there each guy has to come out to the other unless both are "obvious!"
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:52 PM GMT
    I don't have too much trouble doing it. I like having gay friends <3
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    Jun 07, 2011 12:52 PM GMT
    It might be more difficult these days with all of the technology available and increased isolation.

    My suggestion is to show interest in others, ask questions, say hello, smile, and remember their names. Do something nice for someone without expectation of anything in return. Take a risk once in a while.
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    Jun 07, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    YES! They want to hook up first, then see if being a friend is a viable option... same as in a budding relationship, I want to get to know the person...
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Jun 07, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    Everyone likes me or hates me. The ones that like me I make friends with if I like them. If they dont like me....Fuck em.
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    Jun 07, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    It's tough in LA... and I think the hard part for me has been not taking it personally.
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    Jun 07, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    I have several gay friends. And I havent slept with them. And its not for a lack of trying on my part. I need to find more friends with less standards.
  • mdhrdtop

    Posts: 26

    Jun 07, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    I think it depends on lots of things, like where you live, how "out" you are, whether or not you're open to new friendships. Some friends simply turnout to be short lived and other turn out to be long term.

    It's the quality of friendship that counts, not the the quantity!!!
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Jun 07, 2011 1:45 PM GMT
    My experience with gay friendships has been mixed. I don't have any really long lasting gay friendships currently. I had one friend about 7 years which started a year or so after I came out, but he ended the friendship when he found a partner. We had never had sex, but we were close enough that people often thought we were partners. We did a lot of social events, movies, plays together. We used to read to each other from the Tao Te Ching and the Tao of Pooh.

    I had one friend who I enjoyed quite a bit. He practiced Celtic harp on his porch and he couldn't understand why I liked to listen to him practice and just hang out. He had some severe mental health problems and withdrew from the friendship even though I let him know I wanted to continue as friends.

    Neither of these relationships was overtly sexual, but there were times when the boundaries were confused either on my part or the friend's. I came out in a time when sex was supposedly free. Having sex with friends or strangers was a way of showing that you didn't have any hang-ups about sex. We made conscious decisions not to do that; had we done otherwise, the friendships would have been truncated much earlier.

    I have a friend 19 years older than I, we mostly talk on the phone, occasionally get together for dinner. He is a great storyteller, so I enjoy his company. One friend and I share the same profession so we meet weekly for coffee. At one time we considered dating each other and had sex, but he decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship. We continue the friendship, while each of us is dating other men. I was actually satisfied with the way things have worked out so far because I think I am happier with him as a friend than I would be with him as a partner.

    I have had some good gay friends, but I think that my relationships with some gay friends have been somewhat fragile. I lost a gay friend when I became upset that he went home with someone I had made a date with. My friend didn't want to hear my complaint and broke off the friendship. My expectation was rather limited (I wanted him to understand how I felt), but I was shocked about his response of ending the friendship rather than discussing what had happened.

    As I look through this thread of friendships with gay men through my adult life, sexual issues have disrupted most of these friendships which have ended. Even if we didn't have sex together, a new partner, crossed boundaries, or differing unspoken expectations have played a role in creating roadblocks to continuing the friendships.
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    Jun 07, 2011 1:51 PM GMT
    I think being fit and attractive , makes you friends in the gay community.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:07 PM GMT
    HavenJock80 said I think being fit and attractive , makes you friends in the gay community.


    While fat and ugly means you have W.o.W minimized while Seancody is streaming.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:15 PM GMT
    For some reason most gay guys who are friends seem to be carbon copies of ea other. I haven't yet come across one gay guy who has a wide range of friends and that means sports, ethnicity, clubbing and all the wide range of interest gay men have. While most friendships are built on a foundation of similarity, it seem my experienced so far, is that most gay men find a niche and stick w/ it... til death do us part.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:15 PM GMT
    HavenJock80 said I think being fit and attractive , makes you friends in the gay community.


    let's not forget being white too.

    if you're white, fit and attractive, you will automatically already have friends in the gay world.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    Yep, it's hard. Let's face it. Even amongst friends, there are superficial rules. If you break them, you lose your friends.

    Which is SO STUPID!!!!!

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    Jun 07, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    It can be easier when you have at least one common friend that introduces you and/or serves an intermediary role. It's harder to go out seeking such relationships one-on-one, but finding GLBT clubs of common interest (runners, rugby, book clubs) or GLBT volunteers at nonprofit groups can help establish a good base for platonic relationships.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    True friends are really hard to find.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    atl2atx85 said
    HavenJock80 said I think being fit and attractive , makes you friends in the gay community.


    let's not forget being white too.

    if you're white, fit and attractive, you will automatically already have friends in the gay world.


    Can't agree more.

    PS: You are hot!!!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 07, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    I feel very blessed to have a number of good gay friends. There have been times in my life when that was not the case. Perhaps our age group has something to do with it.

    I am, however, going through a bit of a rough period where some newer friends are very "exclusive".... I almost feel like I can't have any friends outside of the "click". Any guy I want to take to certain events has to almost be approved by the other guys. It's getting weird and a bit discouraging for me.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    rdberg1957 saidWe used to read to each other from the Tao Te Ching and the Tao of Pooh.


    That's really hardcore ancient Chinese philosophy. Even as a Chinese, I can't understand it completely. The most useful thing I learned from it is how to let go.
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:33 PM GMT
    Out of the four friends I'm really close with only one is Gay and its been this way for a while. I figured that its just how things took course .or how my ' deck of cards ' got dealt / played out...icon_idea.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
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    Jun 07, 2011 2:37 PM GMT
    I have made many gay friends, and nearly all of these friendships have occurred through a particular pattern. The initial key is meeting and establishing a rapport with a guy who is both (a) well-connected and (b) in a relationship already, and also meeting his partner, either at the same time or soon thereafter. This couple becomes a "nexus" for me. They tend to have parties, or invite me along to other people's events; either way, I meet all of THEIR friends, and my social network grows. Nearly all of my friendships can be traced back to a core partnered couple who are "connectors" like that.

    Another way I've made gay friends is through joining or taking part in gay social or volunteer organizations. And the third way was living briefly with roommates who were also "connectors."

    At this point, I've started to become a "connector" myself -- introducing some friends to other friends who didn't previously know each other, in some cases with fruitful results for them. It's very gratifying. icon_smile.gif

    Of course, I have the advantage of living in a place like San Francisco, with its large and visible gay community. Still, wherever you are, try applying some of the ideas above.