When your boyfriend isn't supportive.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2011 5:14 PM GMT


    In the last few months I've started getting serious about working out and getting into shape and my boyfriend [who is naturally buff and barely has to do anything to remain in great shape] is starting to grumble about so much time spend in the gym [about an hour a day]. He's saying he doesn't want me to get muscular [look at me, there's no way I'll ever get huge] and I've just started taking C4 and Amp protein and he's threatening to flush it. I've tried to explain that I'm starting to feel really good about myself and with the C4 I've actually started to have a lot of FUN at the gym. How do I make him understand that what I'm doing is good for me [and by proxy, him too]? I don't want to workout with him because it's my personal time to just think....he doesn't seem to understand that either. What do I do?
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    Jun 07, 2011 5:26 PM GMT
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not forcing you to be a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.
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    Jun 07, 2011 5:29 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not being a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.



    That's a bit extreme. Especially since we've been together for years. I'm thinking if anything he's just scared I might become too confident and start looking for someone that's more into fitness as much as I am now, which wouldn't happen because I'm not that shallow. I hope I don't become that jaded in my advanced years. Thanks for the reply though.
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    Jun 07, 2011 5:40 PM GMT
    kdsbil said
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not forcing you to be a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.

    That's a bit extreme. Especially since we've been together for years. I'm thinking if anything he's just scared I might become too confident and start looking for someone that's more into fitness as much as I am now, which wouldn't happen because I'm not that shallow. I hope I don't become that jaded in my advanced years. Thanks for the reply though.

    He's threatening to flush your protein supplement? And doesn't want you to spend a healthy hour at the gym? Yet *I* am being "a bit extreme" and he's not a bit of a control freak?

    Well, OK, maybe you are demonstrating the years you've been with this guy. So why call him BF and not partner? When I read "BF" I imagined him to be somewhat more sheddable than a partner. I think I do see your problem, and it doesn't involve protein & gyms.
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    Jun 07, 2011 5:52 PM GMT
    I agree with the idea that he may become a little insecure, and begin to question the possibility that you will look for another person who is into working out more. However, I would seriously recommend confronting him about it. There is something on a deeper level that is causing him to be so up tight about this.

    In my opinion, he should be happy that you are spending time at the gym, improving your health... Not being against it out of concern or, possibly, jealousy.
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    Jun 07, 2011 5:53 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil said
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not forcing you to be a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.

    That's a bit extreme. Especially since we've been together for years. I'm thinking if anything he's just scared I might become too confident and start looking for someone that's more into fitness as much as I am now, which wouldn't happen because I'm not that shallow. I hope I don't become that jaded in my advanced years. Thanks for the reply though.

    He's threatening to flush your protein supplement? And doesn't want you to spend a healthy hour at the gym? Yet *I* am being "a bit extreme" and he's not a bit of a control freak?

    Well, OK, maybe you are demonstrating the years you've been with this guy. So why call him BF and not partner? When I read "BF" I imagined him to be somewhat more sheddable than a partner. I think I do see your problem, and it doesn't involve protein & gyms.


    This.

    Sounds like your partner is insecure about you being better looking or having a better body. And just because you've been with someone for years doesn't mean it's what's best and can't be replaced.
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Jun 07, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    Yeah he is just being insecure about himself.... All you have to do is just reassure him, and keep the dialogue open. Some guys just need to get a better self esteem.
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    Jun 07, 2011 6:14 PM GMT
    Reassure him that you love him and tell him that you want to look good for him and not cuz you wanna hook up with a bunch of guys. That's all.
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    Jun 07, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    cityaznguy saidReassure him that you love him and tell him that you want to look good for him and not cuz you wanna hook up with a bunch of guys. That's all.


    Don´t even do that. You want to work out for YOU, not for him. He could easily say "I like you how you are now", but that´s not going to help.
  • Lunastar

    Posts: 328

    Jun 07, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    cityaznguy saidReassure him that you love him and tell him that you want to look good for him and not cuz you wanna hook up with a bunch of guys. That's all.


    This. The advice before that, while it has validity to it, is jumping to conclusions without taking other factors into account. If the above doesn't work, then maybe start to contemplate your relationship with him.
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    Jun 07, 2011 6:39 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not forcing you to be a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.




    perfect answer.. I couldn't have said it better
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2011 7:19 PM GMT
    There is a lot of good advice here already about how to make your bf feel more secure as you improve yourself. Just make sure that you're direct with him when you do it, and don't coddle the bully personality that threatens things like "flushing". He shouldn't be enabled with that kind of direct, arbitrary control over your life. You are saying things like "there is no way I could get that huge", but what if you could, does that make his point valid? No.

    All the best to you, your goals and your relationship. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    Here's an idea: communicate with him.

    Everyone is so quick to jump ship. Talk more, even if he doesn't want to. Try to figure out why he's upset, and see if you can approach it from another angle. Try to bridge the gap. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible for people to make compromises and come to a place of understanding (and it's not just him that might need to compromise, but you won't figure this out until you talk).

    You never know where his insecurities lie (maybe he's afraid you're getting tired of him, or you don't like his lifestyle, and he's desperately trying to keep you around? Maybe he's afraid there's something more going on than just working out? Maybe you're going to the gym when he feels the loneliest/horniest and he's really missing having that connection time? Maybe life and work schedules are in conflict with your gym time and he feels like he doesn't see you anymore? Maybe he feels like things are changing too fast, and doesn't know how to keep up..and is afraid he might lose you? Maybe his friends are putting little demon thoughts in his brain, telling him that you probably aren't going to the gym, but rather cheating on him, and they're telling him to dump YOU and he doesn't want to?)

    You never know what's going on until you talk it out.

    Bring up the points you brought here - that you would like for your partner to be supportive of you, especially when it comes to your health. Identify why going to the gym makes you feel good / why you're doing it, and express that to him. If it makes you happier, makes you feel better about yourself, makes you feel sexier, and thus makes you feel better being around him, chances are he'll understand that.

    But he might be thinking you're tuning up the car for resale. Fear and insecurity isn't fun - for those going through them or for those having to deal them - so keep that in mind.

    Communicate, communicate, communicate!

    If at the end of the day it turns into constant fighting and bickering about it, then clearly it's not the right match and you'll have to make some tough decisions then. But don't jump to the end of the journey just because someone has exhibited peculiar behavior. (or "controlling" behaviors as some have put it).

    And here's the kicker: you might have to communicate -more than once- before the issue is resolved. Sometimes things are deeper than you think. It may be frustrating to navigate those waters and get to the core of the problem, but in the end, if he's your BF/partner and you care about him, isn't that worth it?
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    Jun 07, 2011 7:37 PM GMT
    Lostboy said
    cityaznguy saidReassure him that you love him and tell him that you want to look good for him and not cuz you wanna hook up with a bunch of guys. That's all.


    Don´t even do that. You want to work out for YOU, not for him. He could easily say "I like you how you are now", but that´s not going to help.



    LOL I liked that point.

    ...what about you tell him that wanna do it to look good for him, AND because you've always wanted a nice body? I think that way everyone is happy...including the 1) people who are looking at you, 2) you, and 3) your BF feeling good that he's with a fit guy with a nice bod...boosts his ego.
  • kemoze

    Posts: 390

    Jun 07, 2011 7:38 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not forcing you to be a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.


    oh my god .., is that all you have got to say to him ( leave him ) is it that easy in gay world?? ( Leave him )
    when i read this actually it freaks me out .. this is fucken too tough ..
    oh damn , leave coz of arguement about gym ,,,
    its not bad that he feels jealous and he doesnt want to lose you ,,
    you said also , that you wanna work out without him .. thats why he is not supporting you in this simple matter..
    but to leave him for something like this is a big mistake,,,
    i hope i am a native english speaker so that i can explain better..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    I agree with the others. The advice to just dump him is bad advice. It sounds like your progress in the gym is provoking insecurity issues and some controlling behavior.

    This is a great opportunity for you to find out what the root problem is, to reassure him how you feel about him, and to assert some boundaries around the gym, supplements, etc. You certainly deserve to enjoy your time in the gym and an hour isn't too much to ask.

    Now, if after talking things out and if this issue comes up over the medium-term and is unresolved, then it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
    Otherwise, jumping ship isn't the answer, IMHO.

    Communication is key, guys. Relationships are a lot of work and I favor treating people not as they deserve, but to their potential. Otherwise, we'd all be treated pretty poorily.

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 07, 2011 8:37 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    kdsbil saidWhat do I do?

    Leave him. He's either jealous you might become hunkier than him, or else he likes a guy of your original build, and won't accept your changing to something else he might not like as much.

    In either case, a selfish individual. You want a BF who's happy to see you being happy, not forcing you to be a model of his own choosing. Sounds like he might be a bit of a control freak, too.





    yes, my thoughts exactly.


    icon_exclaim.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 07, 2011 8:47 PM GMT
    I am probably going to repeat mostly what was said above, but my view are
    similar.

    What makes a relationship work is when both respect the other, who they are as people, accomplishments, efforts, etc. He may not understand you, but he needs to support you (and if he has misgivings or concerns, he can voice those to you and it's discussed). I think it's awesome that you are making such great progress. He probably has this physical view of him... and you.. and you are upsetting the "apple cart" so to speak. The idea of threatening to flush your supplements.. pretty shameful.

    My guess is, if it isn't this than something else. If you opted to go back to school, he'd be against it, if you were trying to improve yourself in some other manner, he might not be helpful there too. Maybe it is just about what you look like and perceived improvement.

    You need to have a talk with him and put your foot down and seriously.
    Make it clear this is very important to you and if he gets upset, I think you have an important decision to consider.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2011 8:54 PM GMT
    Is your partner lazy? He might be feeling a little guilty that you are actively doing something to improve your health and self image. There are 2 kinds of people in the world: talkers and doers. It looks like you are a doer. What's your friend?
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 07, 2011 10:14 PM GMT
    welcome to dumpsville, population you
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 07, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    Some bf's get it in their head your buffing up to get attention from others...then you throw in working out alone...it probably fucks with his head....Reassure him you're working out for him....to be more attractive for him... In the same tone inform him you're also on this fitness journey for your self esteem and personal satisfaction...you shouldn't feel guilty about improving your health and appearance....Lastly...if you're seeing progress and improvement while taking your supps...continue to do so....Some feel they don't do shit...your bf may be in that camp....I on the other hand, swear by the supps.....Much Success.........BUD
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Jun 07, 2011 11:55 PM GMT
    I'm in the same situation. In my boyfriend's case, the fact that I am no longer as much of a fat slug as I used to be and continuing to transform my body beyond anything it ever has been is making him feel less secure, is shifting the power dynamics in our relationship, and is causing changes to happen over which he has no control and over which I have all the control. So I understand when he tries to sabotage me or won't support me, and I've learned to accept it and let it not bother me.

    Your boyfriend has every right to dislike what you are doing. Dont try to make him understand that what you are doing is good for him too, it may be true, but its extremely iritating to be told whats good for you when you have no control over the situation. You have every right to work out without him and good for you for going ahead with or without his support.

    The only thing he doesnt have the right to do is flush your supplements. Decide what the consequences would be if he were to do something that disrespectful and inform him of what those consequences are, and beyond that accept and understand that this situation is making him uncomfortable, let him deal with his own issues and continue on.
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    Jun 08, 2011 12:08 AM GMT
    Does he want to workout with you? If he does it sounds like that might be a good solution. Relationships are about compromise, you may have to give up your thinking time to make amends.

    This may be more of personal advice, but for me I would be very concerned that my boyfriend felt he could interfere with my life like that. I think he needs to remember that you want to make your relationship work and for you both to be happy but that can't come at him trying to exert that kind of control over you.


    I think you should talk to him more about how he really feels. You suddenly turning into a buff muscular guy after a few months of working out is not a reasonable expectation, I think he needs to know that. He also needs to know your goals. If you want to be the big muscular type, be honest with him. But plenty of people just go to the gym to be fit, not really to become overly muscular men icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2011 12:27 AM GMT
    Jerebear saidI'm in the same situation. In my boyfriend's case, the fact that I am no longer as much of a fat slug as I used to be and continuing to transform my body beyond anything it ever has been is making him feel less secure, is shifting the power dynamics in our relationship, and is causing changes to happen over which he has no control and over which I have all the control. So I understand when he tries to sabotage me or won't support me, and I've learned to accept it and let it not bother me.

    Your boyfriend has every right to dislike what you are doing. Dont try to make him understand that what you are doing is good for him too, it may be true, but its extremely iritating to be told whats good for you when you have no control over the situation. You have every right to work out without him and good for you for going ahead with or without his support.

    The only thing he doesnt have the right to do is flush your supplements. Decide what the consequences would be if he were to do something that disrespectful and inform him of what those consequences are, and beyond that accept and understand that this situation is making him uncomfortable, let him deal with his own issues and continue on.
    Jerebear has hit the nail on the head with the most reasonable piece of advice on this thread.

    Don't leave him. At least not yet. If you love each other, and if you are good for each other in other ways, then work through this. Relationships require work. I would be the biggest liar on earth if I ever claimed that the nine years my partner and I have been together have been all easy as pie. They haven't. But you know what? Every argument, every fight, every instance of coming to the brink of calling it quits has been worth it. I may not always remember how grateful I am to have him, but I remember most of the time.

    Only you can know if this is a relationship worth keeping. And your response to the first post telling you to leave him indicates that you do, indeed, want to be with him. So work on it. Both of you. If at some point you decide that the work is no longer worth it, then sure, at that point, leave him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2011 2:01 AM GMT
    Just laugh it off and say, "c'mon man, you'll still be #1 in my life." Then wink and smack him on the ass....

    Start having a little fun when you encounter adversity, fellas. It's healthy.