50-something man, married with kids/grandkids, is looking for advice.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2011 2:24 AM GMT
    So I live in a small town, corn country in Ohio. I'm one of the few out homos in my area.

    Several weeks ago, this acquaintance comes to me looking to talk. He's in his mid-fifties, married with two kids and several grandchildren. He is a respected member of the community, business owner, very well off. He confides in me, tells me that all his life he has had these urges, and he does not know what to do. He just wanted to tell someone, so he told me, and I swore my secrecy.

    He just left my house again, and he was telling about how it is so hard for him during the summer , what with guys walking around half-naked and everything. The guy is ready to burst.

    I don't know what to tell him, though. I can relate to the fear of being ostracized, but I came out in high school. This guy has a family and a business and is a prominent member of our tiny community. He has a lot to lose. I don't know what to tell him. I think he wants to come out, but he doesn't want to lose everything he has now.

    Any advice? I've thought about a support group of some sort. I cannot direct him anywhere to the internet because he does not own a computer at home and he would be terrified of his wife finding out.

    Just not sure the best way to guide him without fucking things up for him.

    TIA
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    Jun 08, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    I don't know where you are located in Ohio, but maybe he could travel to another town where he could recieve some therapy. It would be a confidential place to start dealing with his situation. Whatever he has to do to make it work would probably be better than what he's going through now.
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    Jun 08, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    Well, you might consider having him find a computer at a kinko's or library and set up a profile here. I'd be happy to chat with him, since I've been there and gone through it all recently, as well as helped more than a few guys from on here and other places with the same issues.

    He's in a tough spot that will only get worse and he's beginning to accept himself as who he is. He will eventually, if not already, be hooking up, meeting in bathrooms, or some bushes if he doesn't have a support group to help support him. Being it's a small town area, I'm guessing there's no gay center or rainbow center so unless he thinks he can sneak in a therapist, the Internet is really his best option. Perhaps a smart phone that gives him access to the Internet is an option.

    There's help out here, he just needs to figure out how to get to us.

    Good luck, thanks for being his friend and ear. Don't give up on him, he needs guys like you but only he can make decisions on what to do, where he goes and how to balance his sexuality and his marriage/family.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 08, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    If he comes out he will probably endure a lot (and lose a lot); if he doesn't he'll continue to be eaten up inside. It's not going to be pretty either way, but you only get one life: live it as you want it and not for other people. The only way he'll ever be truly happy is if he respects who he is.
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    Jun 08, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    To the OP - Wow, you do live really far in the middle of corn country.

    I appreciate my fellow RJers who are senstively offering you and your friend some support.

    I was inspired to see what I could find for you - and there's not too much, given your location.

    I did find a gay men's married support group in Detroit, Grand Rapids, and also in Cincinnati. I might also recommend that he consider calling one of these groups to see about getting a referral to getting some support a little more closer to home.

    I wonder what is his motivation, too, for coming to you. Have you given that some thought?

    I really can imagine what kind of struggle he must be going through. Wish you and him the best! Keep us posted on what happens.
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    Jun 08, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidWell, you might consider having him find a computer at a kinko's or library and set up a profile here. I'd be happy to chat with him, since I've been there and gone through it all recently, as well as helped more than a few guys from on here and other places with the same issues.

    He's in a tough spot that will only get worse and he's beginning to accept himself as who he is. He will eventually, if not already, be hooking up, meeting in bathrooms, or some bushes if he doesn't have a support group to help support him. Being it's a small town area, I'm guessing there's no gay center or rainbow center so unless he thinks he can sneak in a therapist, the Internet is really his best option. Perhaps a smart phone that gives him access to the Internet is an option.

    There's help out here, he just needs to figure out how to get to us.

    Good luck, thanks for being his friend and ear. Don't give up on him, he needs guys like you but only he can make decisions on what to do, where he goes and how to balance his sexuality and his marriage/family.



    This is too cool! I think your friend should try this, PowerFade.

    -Doug

    * thinking of eb925 as a truly great guy*.
  • michaelsloan

    Posts: 54

    Jun 08, 2011 4:10 AM GMT
    i think a place where he knows no one would be better. i came out to most of my friends since i came to edmonton, canada. well, in china, there is no way i would do things like this.

    here, i thought, what the heck. if u don't like me, just get lost..

    so being in a new city, a good 419 or going to a bar talking with someone else would make him feel reliefed. and that is the courage he needs to move on.
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    Jun 08, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    michaelsloan saidi think a place where he knows no one would be better. i came out to most of my friends since i came to edmonton, canada. well, in china, there is no way i would do things like this.

    here, i thought, what the heck. if u don't like me, just get lost..

    so being in a new city, a good 419 or going to a bar talking with someone else would make him feel reliefed. and that is the courage he needs to move on.
    Long term marriage with kids and probably many family members and friends (some that might support him, others that would not), I doubt he would do this and I would NOT recommend it.

    His responsibilities lie there and he shouldn't compromise those. Although coming out in a very small community might not be the best option, moving to a close by larger town or city might be a better option but that's not always a possibility. Of course that's assuming that he feels ready to make a move and begin a new life. It's a very scary thing to do and always a fear of losing everything, family, friends, home, finances. It's very very scary. I don't envy this guy, been there and know what it takes and the toll it takes on everyone involved but the long term rewards are peace of mind and there's something to be said about shedding the emotional and physical yoke in order to live the life of the person you are.
  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jun 08, 2011 5:12 AM GMT
    Not to be cynical but could it be he just wants you as a sex buddy ? I once met a man on a vacation trip who was 81. He had the wife and kids as was expected in his day ( 1930s and 1940s). He told her, she was fine with it. He had gay friends and gay sex. At 81 she had since died so he was free to more fully explore being gay in todays world. He was on a gay tour group to Australia with a bunch of gay guys 30, 40, 50 years younger. I wish I had spent more time with him. He was wise beyond even his years. He lived at a time when there were few labels and few options for gay men. Im sure he is gone by now, that was 15 years ago. But the point being that even your friend has options, he just feels trapped at the moment. But he did make his choices, he did not come of age in the 1930's after all. He has lived a rich life but now he has to either live in agony or hit the reset button, whatever it costs.
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    Jun 08, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    The guy should definately talk to someone and take small steps.

    I mean if he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore then he should get a divorce or separate. Stay on his own and think about what he wants and pursue it. He can later reveal himself slowly. But he should tell his wife something eventually.

    Better than getting caught with a guy and/or leaving his wife for another man. That would be more scandalous.
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    Jun 08, 2011 10:10 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidI'd be happy to chat with him, since I've been there and gone through it all recently, as well as helped more than a few guys from on here and other places with the same issues.


    That's exactly what I was looking for. I can relate to him on some level, but not entirely. I came out in high school. I've not been married to a woman I love but don't find attractive for 30 years. It is difficult for me to entirely relate to how he is feeling, or understand what is best for him.

    eb925guy saidHe's in a tough spot that will only get worse and he's beginning to accept himself as who he is. He will eventually, if not already, be hooking up, meeting in bathrooms, or some bushes if he doesn't have a support group to help support him.


    That's what I'm afraid of. There used to be rest stops along a major highway that runs through this area, but the state closed them down due to the problem with the cruising.

    eb925guy saidThere's help out here, he just needs to figure out how to get to us.


    That's the hard part. No computer, but the smart phone might work.

    eb925guy saidGood luck, thanks for being his friend and ear. Don't give up on him, he needs guys like you but only he can make decisions on what to do, where he goes and how to balance his sexuality and his marriage/family.


    That's another hard part. He's looking for guidance and there really isn't a whole lot I can give him.

    RPMSoccer saidI did find a gay men's married support group in Detroit, Grand Rapids, and also in Cincinnati. I might also recommend that he consider calling one of these groups to see about getting a referral to getting some support a little more closer to home.

    I wonder what is his motivation, too, for coming to you. Have you given that some thought?


    Yeah, those cities are each around three hours away. I'm going to look to Toledo and Fort Wayne to see if there is anything there as both are only an hour away.

    I think he came to me because he knew he could trust me. While there are far more gays and lesbians around here than people realize, there are not that many that are out. I also think he may be wanting me to help him in the sex department, but I made it clear that that is not going to happen. But really, I think it is mostly he needs to talk to someone, so he took a chance and came to me.

    Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and advice. I greatly appreciate it.
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    Jun 16, 2011 7:43 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidWell, you might consider having him find a computer at a kinko's or library and set up a profile here. I'd be happy to chat with him, since I've been there and gone through it all recently, as well as helped more than a few guys from on here and other places with the same issues.

    He's in a tough spot that will only get worse and he's beginning to accept himself as who he is. He will eventually, if not already, be hooking up, meeting in bathrooms, or some bushes if he doesn't have a support group to help support him. Being it's a small town area, I'm guessing there's no gay center or rainbow center so unless he thinks he can sneak in a therapist, the Internet is really his best option. Perhaps a smart phone that gives him access to the Internet is an option.

    There's help out here, he just needs to figure out how to get to us.

    Good luck, thanks for being his friend and ear. Don't give up on him, he needs guys like you but only he can make decisions on what to do, where he goes and how to balance his sexuality and his marriage/family.


    Thanks guys for what you've written. I guess I am in a very similar boat. I am 47 and married and have a kid. It is such a struggle. I am really, really struggling recently. I like coming to RJ for the friendships, advice, and, of course, the photos. I will admit it was the pictures that brought me here, but as I have gotten more and more familiar with the site, I am finding it to sort of be therapeutic, too. I can write about my frustrations and my fantasies.

    It is all just fantasy for me. Never been with a man. Would like to. I do go to a good therapist and we talk about this. It helps some. I would like to go to a support group, but I don't know of one near me, and yeah, how would I tell my wife what kind of group I was going too, I admire you guys who are OUT, but I can't do it. Not at this time.

    Keep sending the good advice... to me and others.
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    Jun 16, 2011 9:11 PM GMT
    Powerfade, as painful as this might be to this man, I think it better for him to come out at least to his wife (if she already doesn't know). His children are grown and he could at least have a sense of integrity within himself. It might not be pretty but who says coming out is pretty. I don't think he needs to tell all of his small community unless he is comfortable with it. This man knows the "clock is ticking" and I think he is wanting some sense of being in touch with his inner truth.
    I don't know, if I were you if I would do anything sexually with him -- you know, a charity fuck. This might just open up a can of worms and he would be able to have his cake and eat it too. I am friends with a married guy who is older with adult kids and he basically told me the same thing. It's a little simpler with my friend because he is maintaining the status quo without any crossover to the gay side.
    I couldn't do such a thing because being true to oneself is very spiritual. Just my 2 cents.
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    Jun 16, 2011 9:15 PM GMT
    Haha! He's just plain fucked. I say abandon his family. They won't accept him.