Would you date someone just divorced (from a woman) who is 42, only had one experience with a man and has just now come out and lives with the ex-wife still ?

  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jun 08, 2011 4:34 AM GMT
    Met this seemingly nice, educated, professional, very cute guy on Match. He lists that he is divorced in his profile so I knew that going in. Met for 90 minutes at a coffee shop last Saturday and had great conversation about many interests we share. He explained he had been married for 4 years because he thought it might help him sort out his sexuality. He may have been 37 or 38 when the marriage took place. Now he knows he is gay ( I could have told him that LOL). Was miserasble the last 2 years of the 4 year marriage. He still lives in the same house since they cannot sell it for what they want to get for it even after 9 months of trying. I did not press this but apparently neither one can afford to buy out the other. So they are roommates by default. He said he never cheated with men or women on the wife. He really seems to have almost no dating or sexual experience with men other than 1 encounter he told me about. What do you all think about this situation in terms of 1) can he be ready to date me, someone who has been gay for over 20 years and looking for a monogomous situation, 2) wouldn't he want to play the field as if he were 22 even though he is 42 ? He claims he has no interest in multiple sex partners for the sake of sex. If thats true that is great but seems unlikely to me judging by my own coming out experimentation.
    I am attracted to him and said I hope I can see you again. He replied yes he would like that but not heard back from him. I emailed a thank you for the coffee date last Saturday. Can this guy still be conflicted about his sexuality even after all this and at 42 ? In short is he dating material ?
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    Jun 08, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    In short, no.
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Jun 08, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    Short answer: not even close.

    This man needs to

    1) move out of his ex-wife's house - this will strain any relationship you could have to the breaking point by itself.
    2) show as much interest in you as you have in him - it sounds like you have been the pursuer, he the pursued. He clearly does not have the experience to go after the guys he truly desires. Wouldn't you feel heartbroken if one day he decided that he needed to "experiment" after you devoted so much time and energy to him?
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    Jun 08, 2011 4:48 AM GMT
    I find the who situation to be hot but probably I'm just too immature. Seriously, give him a chance, some people need a reason to change their life, try to be that reason for him, be pacient and enjoy ur life man.
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    Jun 08, 2011 5:12 AM GMT
    I just got off the phone with a close friend who just ended a 10 month relationship not too different from yours. It ended poorly. In his case the 'perfect' guy was in his 50's, recently separated but still living with his ex wife for the reason of taking care of the kids till they got out of High School.

    Yes, the recently 'out' guy was conflicted, didn't like his friends (thought we were too gay) and ended up getting mad at him for introducing him as his boyfriend (after 10 months??)

    You can have a lot in common, but you have to be on the same page, at least with your self worth and self esteem.

    Run like the wind



  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jun 08, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. So far the replies are 1 to give him a chance and 3 to run away. He is such a sweet guy. But in my own experience this seems like a long shot. Thanks for the perspective.
  • victor8

    Posts: 237

    Jun 08, 2011 5:44 AM GMT
    ooph!
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    Jun 08, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    Save yourself some pain down the road and move on.

    NO to 1).
    YES to 2)

    However, don't be surprised if none the points you made (1,2) will take place. Five years from now he may look to get married again to sort out things as the last woman he married wasn't the right one.

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    Jun 08, 2011 6:17 AM GMT
    I would say that it can work, but it will take a lot of patience and hard work. There are so many issues that the guy has to deal with, and many would rather walk away from the hassle.

    The question is if you really like the guy enough to go to hell and back with him (so to speak).
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 08, 2011 6:45 AM GMT
    no
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    Jun 08, 2011 6:58 AM GMT
    I think this man has too much going on in his life. I agree with Muchmore, if he hasn't responded then he's not interested in taking things further.
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    Jun 08, 2011 7:44 AM GMT
    The man needs to find more about himself than he can offer you, so i would let this one slide and let him do some catching up with the gay lifestyle, and by all means if he needs help adjusting with this new lifestyle, be there for him as a friend, he could probably use more it now than ever.... icon_idea.gif
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    Jun 08, 2011 7:47 AM GMT
    ABSOLUTELY!!!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jun 08, 2011 7:49 AM GMT
    I say give the guy a try. What do you have to lose? I mean at least was honest so you should give him credit for that. Oh and by the way, he is not you so can hold to what you did when you came out. He is a individual and you should treat him as such.
    My last comment to you is that you should keep a open mind about this guy. Who knows he could be the guy you spend the rest of your life with. I think you stated that he was married for 4 years. He said he had never cheated that in it self is a good thing. I do not see any reason why you shouldn't him a chance. However, I am a little concerned about him still living with his wife. But in this crazy economy you have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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    Jun 08, 2011 7:58 AM GMT
    Is he dating material? I don't think so. At least not yet anyway. If he knows he's gay and has never been in bed with a guy, he's probably scared. If you two want to be friends and see where it goes thats cool. You maybe could be a good teacher. That would give him time to get his ex and their home in order for the total separation.
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    Jun 08, 2011 8:25 AM GMT
    If you want to check out a potential relationship, remember that if you want to be liked by someone regardless of sexual preference, then YOU have to be likeable. Go slow. Try to allow for the possibility of a friendship or whatever develops! but stop searching for conflict in whatever he has been talking with you,lol..... It's not going to bring you anywhere you want to go. good luckicon_wink.gif
  • stee99

    Posts: 317

    Jun 08, 2011 8:26 AM GMT
    i'd be worrying about him moving on so quickly, from one relationship to the next.. Its very likely he needs to figure himself out more before doing anything with anybody.
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    Jun 08, 2011 8:57 AM GMT
    I could deal with this, and with love and support.
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    Jun 08, 2011 9:28 AM GMT
    You just met him. Move on
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    Jun 08, 2011 10:09 AM GMT
    To the OP - if you don't hear back from him, that might tell you all you need to know. But, if he does contact you and wants to go out again, then why not at least go on a second date? It doesn't mean the two of you have to jump into a relationship and it will give you a chance to learn more about him. Even if what you are looking for, ultimately, is a long term monogamous relationship, I don't see the down side of dating casually for a while if there is some spark. Worst case, after a few dates, you confirm that it wasn't meant to be. Best case, the two of you pick out home furnishings together in a couple of years! icon_wink.gif

    And who knows, if he is as nice as you described you might develop a good friendship even if it doesn't lead to a LTR.
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    Jun 08, 2011 11:21 AM GMT
    sashaman saidTo the OP - if you don't hear back from him, that might tell you all you need to know. But, if he does contact you and wants to go out again, then why not at least go on a second date? It doesn't mean the two of you have to jump into a relationship and it will give you a chance to learn more about him. Even if what you are looking for, ultimately, is a long term monogamous relationship, I don't see the down side of dating casually for a while if there is some spark. Worst case, after a few dates, you confirm that it wasn't meant to be. Best case, the two of you pick out home furnishings together in a couple of years! icon_wink.gif

    And who knows, if he is as nice as you described you might develop a good friendship even if it doesn't lead to a LTR.
    Co-sign.
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    Jun 08, 2011 11:26 AM GMT
    I guess it depends on the amount of trouble you are willing to go to! If you really like him, can you help him through the inevitable negative feelings he is going to have about leaving his wife? Of living with her everyday while they are separated. If so, I'd take it slow and be prepared for some work icon_razz.gif

    Needless to say, I wouldn't be meeting the wife just yet lol.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 08, 2011 11:27 AM GMT
    Would you date someone with a 3rd eye, no legs, bad teeth and kept cats?
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    Jun 08, 2011 11:53 AM GMT
    I would run from this one. Too many problems going on.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Jun 08, 2011 12:43 PM GMT
    Geez, it's just a few dates. Give it a shot and see what happens.