The "Back to Jesus's Closet" break-up (long, please forgive)

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    Jun 08, 2011 6:02 PM GMT
    OKAY,
    I really wasn't going to tell this story but I wanted to get some input from you guys out there, who may or may not have been through this and tell me what you would do... in order to make this as brief as possible I'll present you with bullet marks icon_wink.gif

    *Met my partner through a friend back when I was 18...total romantic movie style relationship...even the bad stuff. Madly in love. icon_biggrin.gif

    *Through-out our 10 year relationship he would periodically start reading the bible during which for those 2wks-month time periods once every 2 years or so, I would get neglected. icon_neutral.gif

    I know, warning signs, but mind you I was very much in love. and not that lustful, loved him for his body/sex way, I mean I had the whole package, nice apartment with nice furniture, good job, a lover, dinner parties...the works.

    *July 22, 2010 - my birthday - we are floating the river in Austin, great trip. During the trip he would talk to me about the idea that I should find a different job because he wants to spend more time together.

    *3 weeks later back to the Bible and the sex dies. icon_confused.gif

    * Sept 15th I ask him whats going on (I mean I've got needs too) and he says that he want to form a closer relationship with Jesus and is going to become celebate icon_eek.gificon_evil.gif
    To me ....really out of the blue aside from unacceptable, yeah I'm 28 and I LOVE sex. So we break up. icon_cry.gif

    *The next 5 months were very hard for me and I was very angry, confussed and deppressed. Throughout which I kept telling him how stupid he was being and that he will not only fail but will regret his decisions durring the breakup. (Big shock I was right)icon_mad.gif

    *Mardi Gras in Louisiana... He goes there to party, comes back and tells me that he slept with another guy and is no longer celebate, but my "friendship" is still really important to him. icon_evil.gificon_evil.gif

    Now this whole time we are still living together and infact still are living together because niether of us can afford to break the lease which isn't up till NOV.


    * Not much has changed since. I am stuck living with him and I don't want my house to be this awkward, stressful environment so I'm having to take the roommate approach and just living together, talking, watching T.V. ...Very unhealthy I know. The sad thing is he really thinks we're going to remain the best of friend. Yeah, he broke my heart and when we move out he is going to have a sad awakening when I'm no longer available to hang out.

    I am done by the way; I will not take him back. his actions we're unacceptable. I'm just curious, has anyone been through this and if so how did you handle it?? I do understand the gay vs. religion thing on a very real level (as so many of us do) but should that excuse his actions? Do I just forgive him and move on??

    Thoughts???






  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2011 7:28 PM GMT
    You can forgive him, but if you dont want him back, dont go back
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    Jun 08, 2011 7:39 PM GMT
    Take his bible and THUMP him on his head once a day until the lease expires.
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    Jun 08, 2011 7:42 PM GMT
    Stolenname said Mardi Gras in Louisiana... He goes there to party, comes back and tells me that he slept with another guy and is no longer celebate, ....
    I do understand the gay vs. religion thing on a very real level (as so many of us do) but should that excuse his actions?

    Back to Jesus is one thing, but few find their way back to Jesus via drunken hookups in New Orleans.
    He's either totally confused, or dishonest about his motives. Either way, you're doing yourself no favors by staying around. Can't you sublet the apartment?

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    Jun 08, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    Heartbreaking story, OP.. Sorry you had to endure the neglect every year for 10 years while your partner burrowed into his self loathing closet. You are spot on about his actions, they are unacceptable, selfish and somewhat disturbing.

    Leasing through November and having to interact with the person who repeatedly neglected you emotionally and sexually seems excruciating. Particularly now that he has been insensitive/selfish enough to share his new sexual exploits with you. Protect your sanity, stolenname, and find a way out of there, even if you plan on remaining friends.
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    Jun 08, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]TexDef07 said[/cite]
    Stolenname said Mardi Gras in Louisiana... He goes there to party, comes back and tells me that he slept with another guy and is no longer celebate, ....
    I do understand the gay vs. religion thing on a very real level (as so many of us do) but should that excuse his actions?

    Back to Jesus is one thing, but few find their way back to Jesus via drunken hookups in New Orleans.
    He's either totally confused, or dishonest about his motives. Either way, you're doing yourself no favors by staying around. Can't you sublet the apartment?

    [/quote

    I agree with this.... +1
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    Jun 09, 2011 12:56 AM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    Stolenname said Mardi Gras in Louisiana... He goes there to party, comes back and tells me that he slept with another guy and is no longer celebate, ....
    I do understand the gay vs. religion thing on a very real level (as so many of us do) but should that excuse his actions?

    Back to Jesus is one thing, but few find their way back to Jesus via drunken hookups in New Orleans.
    He's either totally confused, or dishonest about his motives. Either way, you're doing yourself no favors by staying around. Can't you sublet the apartment?



    You know, almost everyone I know said the same thing but then again, 2-3 years ago he had pretty much gotten rid of almost all of his original friends that he knew before we met. The majority of who we hung out with, I brought to the table, most who have been my friends for 11+ years. (during the break up I use to say "well I was the only one left for him to push away.")
    Technically he would have to be the one that left. Everything is mine all 2 bedroom full. I was the bread winner so I bought the stuff. I don't want a roommate after all this either I just want my own place.
    He's really not a bad guy I mean I did/do love him, he's just screwed up. I asked him many times throughout this if he was keeping anything from me. He said no. I believe him only because I know him and I understand what he's going through. I went through the same thing. I just dealt with my issues about it 10 years earlier.
    It was frustrating to know exactly what he was doing/going to do this entire time I even told my friends "ok here's what he's doing, that will cause him to act- this way, feel-this way, respond-this way and end up here!!"
    Sure enough he did everything in the order I said. I just had the joy of watching him destroy our relationship for no reason only to regret it later, and I was powerless to stop it.


  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Jun 09, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    kick his ass.
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    Jun 09, 2011 1:02 AM GMT
    Rip all the pages of his Bible out except the Song of Songs.
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    Jun 09, 2011 1:09 AM GMT
    With the current wave of churches that are accepting gays, supporting gay marriage, etc, it's confusing to me why he would use the bible as an excuse to break up.

    Sounds like there's something he's not telling you.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jun 09, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    What do I think?

    I think you deserve a big hug OP. 10 years, it must be so hard.

    But look at the bright side, it's good you are separating now, than say, if you are engaged/ registered as partners/ married THEN have to break up.
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jun 09, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    This is very serious
    It is one thing to read the Word of God and want a relationship with Jesus Christ but God did not leave man without a companion, we are not meant to be alone.

    A person who reads the Bible and wants to apply it to his life it is a very good thing. To be neglected is not right.

    Firstly for this man to claim he wants a relationship with Jesus then he goes and breaks a bond of love with you, this is not a Christian thing. The greatest command is to love. For a person to break the trust and fornicate with another person while in a relationship is not having the fruits of Christ in them.

    Do not let any man tell you that the Bible condemns gay relationships and for a person to hide behind this as a smoke screen then sleep with other men it is clear that this man did not love you and he should ask you for forgiveness. You must forgive him but to don’t keep him with you.
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    Jun 09, 2011 3:13 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for your post. I appreciate all that you said and you are not wrong. I love this site because of how great everyone is on here. It's good to see that there are pleanty of gay guys out there who still have faith.

    I chose a long time ago to accept who I was and I believe in a God who loves me, created me to be the best person I can, and wants me to enjoy life and be happy.

    What pissies me off is that my ex brought a lot of my own personal issues from the past up and threw my life into turmoil, only to turn around act the way he did.

    It's kind of shocking that after all of his actions he still expects us to be friends icon_eek.gif

    It's amazing, dispite his actions, I actually feel bad for HIM because he can't accept himself. icon_neutral.gif




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    Jun 09, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    I feel for the both of you. But if you love him and you say you did/do (your words), set aside your hurt for a moment and try to help him through this difficult period. Afterall you said yourself that you dealt with the religion/sexuality issue yourself, so you must have something to offer him in the way of guidance, love, and support.

    Love may not conquer all, but it's worth fighting for.

    Then if he sleeps with anyone else in his quest for Jesus, kick him to the curb.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jun 09, 2011 3:51 PM GMT
    I'll cut the Ex-BF some slack because I grew up in a bible believing family and I struggled for years with accepting myself.
    He's dealing with an incredible amount of confusion in his own acceptance of his faith and sexuality.
    Still, it does not give him the right to treat you the way he has.
    He needs help, time and love - but you're not the one to help him at this point.
    Move on with your life ASAP.
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    Jun 09, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    It's really just a typical breakup. The bible thing it just decoration. It helps sometimes to realize that there is nothing unique about this situation if happens a zillion times a day so no need to be a martyr. The important lesson to Learn is that your happiness should never depend on another person. To do that places a weird responsibilty on him. It not good for either party.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidIt's really just a typical breakup. The bible thing it just decoration. It helps sometimes to realize that there is nothing unique about this situation if happens a zillion times a day so no need to be a martyr. The important lesson to Learn is that your happiness should never depend on another person. To do that places a weird responsibilty on him. It not good for either party.


    I agree with your point that our own happiness is created by our own positive actions and cannot be the responcibility of your partner or anyone else. Truer words sir, truer words.

    The Bible issue was not a cover for another personal issue or something that he was hiding from me, it's really what he felt. It's sad and frustrating to know that the power this puritanical society, created via the book of said Christian Religoin, is, in a sense, responcible for such severe personal acceptance issues for so many of us gays. Enough to bring out the end of what I would call my "common law" marriage. That it's strong enough to force someone I've know for 10 years to have a minor breakdown so to speak; and yes while I understand the why, that doesn't excuse the how, especially after 10. I deserve better/more than that, I'm owed that much.

    The break up sucks, but that really wasn't the point of the post. It was more about the context of the breakup, the current living situation, if anyone had ever been in a similar situation and if so what they might have done?

    I really appreciate each of the posts and kind words. Thank you RJ you guys are amazing. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    Stolenname saidThanks guys for your post. I appreciate all that you said and you are not wrong. I love this site because of how great everyone is on here. It's good to see that there are pleanty of gay guys out there who still have faith.

    I chose a long time ago to accept who I was and I believe in a God who loves me, created me to be the best person I can, and wants me to enjoy life and be happy.

    What pissies me off is that my ex brought a lot of my own personal issues from the past up and threw my life into turmoil, only to turn around act the way he did.

    It's kind of shocking that after all of his actions he still expects us to be friends icon_eek.gif

    It's amazing, dispite his actions, I actually feel bad for HIM because he can't accept himself. icon_neutral.gif

    This is an unhealthy situation for you. You're worrying too much about his well-being, and not enough about your own. I would judge him a lost cause, so back away and reboot your own life.

    As for the living arrangement, if it's your place you could always have him evicted. Tell him to get lost, and have some of your buds with you to back you up. If you share the lease, then you're gonna have to keep this inside you until November.

    If you like the place, and can afford it on your own, talk to the landlord about a new lease. If not, start looking for something affordable now. You need plans in place for post-November, when I hope you'll sever all ties with this nut job.

    I've never experienced anything like this in my own life, though an ex-BF of mine sorta did. With a Mormon he was dating, who went crazy with guilt for being gay, and outed himself and my former BF, BY NAME, in front of the entire temple congregation in their community one Sunday, asking for forgiveness. And my ex was partly closeted.

    A few weeks later this guy came over to my ex's place, while we were both doing garden work (we always have remained friends), and started some scene about "converting" him from "acting" gay. I saw this from the front garden, and strode across the lawn in my most menacing manner (even at 5'8" I know how to menace). The guy fled in his car when I bellowed: "Is there a problem here?" in my "command voice," still some 20 feet away.

    Religious fanatics spook me, if that's what your ex is. They are unstable & unpredictable. I would terminate your contact with him at the earliest possible moment, and let him and Jesus find their own apartment.
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    Jun 10, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    Stolenname saidOKAY,
    I really wasn't going to tell this story but I wanted to get some input from you guys out there, who may or may not have been through this and tell me what you would do... in order to make this as brief as possible I'll present you with bullet marks icon_wink.gif

    *Met my partner through a friend back when I was 18...total romantic movie style relationship...even the bad stuff. Madly in love. icon_biggrin.gif

    *Through-out our 10 year relationship he would periodically start reading the bible during which for those 2wks-month time periods once every 2 years or so, I would get neglected. icon_neutral.gif

    I know, warning signs, but mind you I was very much in love. and not that lustful, loved him for his body/sex way, I mean I had the whole package, nice apartment with nice furniture, good job, a lover, dinner parties...the works.

    *July 22, 2010 - my birthday - we are floating the river in Austin, great trip. During the trip he would talk to me about the idea that I should find a different job because he wants to spend more time together.

    *3 weeks later back to the Bible and the sex dies. icon_confused.gif

    * Sept 15th I ask him whats going on (I mean I've got needs too) and he says that he want to form a closer relationship with Jesus and is going to become celebate icon_eek.gificon_evil.gif
    To me ....really out of the blue aside from unacceptable, yeah I'm 28 and I LOVE sex. So we break up. icon_cry.gif

    *The next 5 months were very hard for me and I was very angry, confussed and deppressed. Throughout which I kept telling him how stupid he was being and that he will not only fail but will regret his decisions durring the breakup. (Big shock I was right)icon_mad.gif

    *Mardi Gras in Louisiana... He goes there to party, comes back and tells me that he slept with another guy and is no longer celebate, but my "friendship" is still really important to him. icon_evil.gificon_evil.gif

    Now this whole time we are still living together and infact still are living together because niether of us can afford to break the lease which isn't up till NOV.


    * Not much has changed since. I am stuck living with him and I don't want my house to be this awkward, stressful environment so I'm having to take the roommate approach and just living together, talking, watching T.V. ...Very unhealthy I know. The sad thing is he really thinks we're going to remain the best of friend. Yeah, he broke my heart and when we move out he is going to have a sad awakening when I'm no longer available to hang out.

    I am done by the way; I will not take him back. his actions we're unacceptable. I'm just curious, has anyone been through this and if so how did you handle it?? I do understand the gay vs. religion thing on a very real level (as so many of us do) but should that excuse his actions? Do I just forgive him and move on??

    Thoughts???



    Yes, forgive him, but not because he deserves it, but because it is good for you to let go of the negatives.

    Move on, by yourself, you don't need to have this in your life - wish him well, and continue to do so every time you meet him in the street.

    Holding onto anger and sadness will eventually embitter you - let it go, make room in your heart for someone else.

    If you feel you need to explain to him that you can't be besties - do it, but do it with compassion and love, with respect to the good times and happy memories you will want to take forward - the sad memories will fade with time as long as you don't give them the energy they need to stay alive.

    All the best
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    Jun 10, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    bigeasydude saidTake his bible and THUMP him on his head once a day until the lease expires.


    LOL. This is hilarious and the right thing to do!

    xx
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    Jun 10, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    The Bible issue was not a cover for another personal issue or something that he was hiding from me, it's really what he felt. It's sad and frustrating to know that the power this puritanical society, created via the book of said Christian Religoin, is, in a sense, responcible for such severe personal acceptance issues for so many of us gays. Enough to bring out the end of what I would call my "common law" marriage. That it's strong enough to force someone I've know for 10 years to have a minor breakdown so to speak; and yes while I understand the why, that doesn't excuse the how, especially after 10. I deserve better/more than that, I'm owed that much.

    The break up sucks, but that really wasn't the point of the post. It was more about the context of the breakup, the current living situation, if anyone had ever been in a similar situation and if so what they might have done?


    Dude looks like you are hunting for a fall guy. The bible/ society etc is not forcing your ex to do anything. He is behaving this way cus he is into it and not into You. I just went thru the same thing including living with the ex cus the house wouldn't sell. It's your life, you call the shots. He does not have the power to make you unhappy . Your fixation on his life not being what you want it to be is doing that. ReCreate your own mental
    space without hanging any thing on him or society and you will be fine and have a new healthy love life by the time the lease expires.
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    Jun 10, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    Yeah you need to move out and before November. I was with my boyfriend for a little over a year and could barely survive living with him for two weeks after we broke up. I can't imagine living with him for a decade.

    You're a good looking, smart and responsible guy -- and you can do better than this guy.