How do you spot other "gay" men, and how do you approach them?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 15, 2007 4:21 PM GMT
    Ok, guys, I'm closeted, I'm married, and I'm gay (I'm also gay-virgin).

    1. How can I tell if another guy is gay,
    2. How do I approach a guy,
    3. How can I tell if a gay guy is trying to get my attention? (like in the locker room or at the store).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 15, 2007 5:04 PM GMT
    very good question... i would also like to know. there are a couple of guys in college who i have my eye on, but im not sure at all if they are gay... how do i tell?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 15, 2007 6:29 PM GMT
    I've often wondered too how this works. I'm really clueless when it comes to spotting a guy out side of a club and even then I never can seem to approach them unless I know for sure they are gay. I'm just bad in general when it comes to picking up on signals.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 15, 2007 7:02 PM GMT
    Good grief, this could take days to answer.

    Simple answer, there's a look - pay close attention to the eyes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 15, 2007 7:07 PM GMT
    The same way you find out if someone is single...Italian...employed by your company...relative of your wife...member of your firehouse.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 15, 2007 7:47 PM GMT
    I agree with mr. softball, there is definatlly a look in the eyes when a guy is cheaking you out. But at the same time, getting it wrong is less then confortable. I think sometimes we just have to take that chance, go up at talk to them. Of couse you can also give them a half smile and stare, it pretty much gives away what your thinking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2007 3:50 PM GMT
    off the subject, but you in the blue speedo, you've got a REALLY cute butt (well, the pic is cute, anyway reminds me of the movie Parenthood when the little boy comes in dressed only in cowboy boots, holster, and cowboy hat, and Steve Martin turns to his wife and says, "I could wear that later." Oh, and you don't look like you're in your 40's.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2007 4:23 PM GMT
    Not to be a wet blanket, but don't you think you need to address some other things before worrying about how to approach another guy? Like your marriage?

    I guess I'm just an old-fashioned bastard.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2007 5:24 PM GMT
    Woo Hoo, I like the way you think, Horsepower....The man needs to address the marriage issue first...sheeesh.!
  • DrStorm

    Posts: 185

    Feb 19, 2007 6:30 PM GMT
    This is why I LOVE Realjock! Some VERY VALID topics come up.

    Sometimes I wish all gaymen had a green plasma fuzz around them that only other gay men could see - wouldn't life just be too damn easy then?

    Back to reality!

    MrSoftball, you got it right - the EYES!!! Eyes are the window to the soul and your eyes give away your true intentions...Having being a personal trainer at the Univ of Virginia (which, BTW, is one of the gayest universities according to polls) for a long, long time, I had to realise that there were a few different looks I'd get owing to the fact I was a little older than most students and hence far better built than most:

    1] admiration
    2] lust
    3] disgust
    4] no-interest

    I wasn't obviously gay, and esp. NOT while I was training others or myself in the gym, however, outside of the Univ. environment all bets were off and some students knew I was gay. Those who were gay fell into cat (2) and (1) above, those who were straight fell into mostly category (4), (1) and (3) respectively, although, those in cat (3) were very few and far between.

    So, take notice of how someone looks at you - it's pretty easy to know when someone merely glances at you and has NO interest, and if someone looks at you with disgust, that's easy too. Telling the difference between (1) and (2) above is prb the hardest one, esp. you you are "newly" gay, meaning "newly" wanting contact with other gay men for whatever reason. And it it can be just as hard for a "veteran" gay guy in a mostly straight gym - EVEN in San Francsico!!!

    There are MANY very open-minded straight guys out there who are VERY friendly BUT fall in Category (1) and NOT category (2) - this will always be where your experiences or lack of can make it difficult ot easy to know if he is straight or gay. It's all in the eyes and the length of eye contact and the repeated eye contact....

    Just use common sense and try and think it through BEFORE your dick takes over as the center of reason and decision!

    Remember, that person may be wondering the VERY same thing about you - this whole topic is especially hardest for those still in the closet. Once you actually get out and frequent with other gay men, it becomes pretty easy to spot a gay guy. Well, mostly....

    So that really is half the story! Once you establish the guy is gay via whatever means, he probably wont want to talk to you anyway! LOL.....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2007 7:53 PM GMT
    How to tell if a guys gay?? It's not easy..In public i try to stike up a conversation and see where it goes and i ask some personal questions during small talk or i will hand out a business card and leave the ball in the other guys court. The eye contact generally tells me alot...Best time to meet a gay guy in the general public. Sunday nights after 7:00pm est in most supermarkets. If the guys alone shopping, he is most likely. I notice alot of men go out late at night to shop/ more towards closing time at stores. The gym its usually towards the last hour the gym's open.
  • ArchieMike

    Posts: 13

    Feb 19, 2007 11:47 PM GMT
    There are many ways... The most important one is see what people they watch... If they watch mostly hot guys it means they're gay... Or if they're looking at you too, when you have eye contact with each other there's definetely something going on there...
    You can also tell by the way they dress, or the way they walk or act... And the way they talk too...
    And of course if u see a guy in a gay club you can assume he's gay...
    And remember to practice A LOT...!!!
  • CalebKM

    Posts: 156

    Feb 20, 2007 4:02 AM GMT
    yea..i scanned a couple replies to you can NOT assume someone is gay based on their clothes/appearance,the way they walk or talk..there are flamboyant straight men..there really isnt a way..first off..dude a divorce should be your main concern at this point after thats done with..go for a penis =)..only way you can really know is to find someone you think is attractive look at them..if you both continue to make eye contact and you both smile its generally sign..but dont be 48 years old..keg belly and bald going for an 18 year old wont happen..ciao ciao
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 2:32 AM GMT
    Interesting observation about the supermarkets, italianmuscleguy. I don't usually shop on Sunday nights, but I remember the last time I felt like I was being cruised at the supermarket was on a Sunday night. So what is it about Sunday nights at supermarkets?

    The late night crowd at my gym does not seem gay though. Many of them work retail and get out of work late.

    Many say it's about the eye contact. I can't tell. Sometimes a smile followed by sustained eye contact means, "You're in my way, sir." Sometimes brief eye contact and then turning away may mean he is attracted but shy. I think I practice both, lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 4:20 AM GMT
    I am totally clueless about finding out about a guy.
    I totally missed the gaydar gene, and the handbook didn't have that chapter in it.
    At the gym, I know there are a lot of gay men(my friends tell me when the guys are watching) but its not something that I go look for at the gym. I have a goal and regimen that I have and I mind my own business, put on my earphones, turn on my Ipod, and work my ass off. I am never rude if people come up and ask me questions about training, etc, but I am not good at just small talk- especially when I am working out....

  • dreamer

    Posts: 91

    Feb 21, 2007 6:35 AM GMT
    Although my gaydar is pretty good, I never take action outside of a gay establishment because 1. I don't want to embarass myself by being wrong and 2. refer to #1. Sometimes the signs are loud and clear and if I am able to steer the small talk in that direction then I know I'm home. but no sure-fire way for certain.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 3:37 PM GMT
    My response to Horsepower:

    You have NO idea how many married men are very happy in their marriage but want a bit of sexual stimulation on the side with a hot guy.

    I do not need to worry about my marriage!

    I was totally oblivious to knowing when a guy was being friendly or wanted more. Now after a few years, i have realized that if you look for a longer time at a guy and he continues your gaze and smiles is usually a dead give away that there is some chemistry.

    So, to my friend who poses the question and finds himself in the same position as me...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 3:59 PM GMT
    About two weeks ago I was sitting in the gate area at the airport waiting to board a Southwest flight to Chicago. Occassionally, this rather handsome and VERY "staight"-looking guy would turn around and glance at me. There were hundreds of people around, and it was obvious he was glancing just at me. Now, I thought, he could either be glancing at me because he found me funny looking or because he found me good looking. I decided to be self-confident and assume he thought I was cute. When it was time to board the plane, he was three people behind me in the "A" group. The one good thing about Southwest is open seating. It's a great way to choose who you want to sit next to. I decided this guy was going to sit next to me. I slid into the window seat of an open exit row and he, like a smart man, sat in the isle seat in the same row. It was the perfect excuse to make eye contact and start up conversation since now we were row mates. There was an imedidate chemsity between us, yet I still did not KNOW if he was gay, or even bi or "curious." Then after talking for about 45 minutues, he did what lots of gay, bi, curious men do, he asked me what nightclubs I go to. I mentioned a few gay bars (although I don't really go to them). I figured if he were gay he would know what I was talking about, if he was straight he wouldn't, so no loss. His reacdtion made me realize he was also in the "family." Usually, to find out if someone is gay, it takes a combination of two things: self-confidence and good conversation skills to elicit the information that you need. BTW, it was the greatest flight of my life....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 4:06 PM GMT
    P.S. It turned out the guy was married with three kids....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 4:07 PM GMT
    Response to Rickyhgw:

    Does your wife wonder why every Sunday night at 7pm you insist on running to the grocery store to, um, pick up a few things to get you through the week? ;)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 4:37 PM GMT
    That's good, Ricky. I'm glad you value marriage and honesty.

    I know most married men, especially the guys that travel often for work, are completely upfront with their wives about what they do on the side. Most married women don't mind, as long as they can mess around on the side as well, right?

    Maybe this discussion is for another forum. ;)

    How to tell if another guy is into you? Ask him. Don't be a coy little bitch.

    Oh, and leave your wedding ring in your gym locker. Makes it so much easier.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 5:12 PM GMT
    mrsoftball is correct... it's all in the eyes - you just have to be aware of it.

    I imagine closeted men probably don't realize most gay men are very masculine, always in the gym and playing sports more often than the average straight man...

    If you see a hunky, built, manly guy - don't claim you can't tell he's gay... just drop the notion that to be gay you must fit a certain stereotype.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 5:18 PM GMT
    Too true norcalsf, too many people are looking for guys based on the stereotypes that we have. Its very sad, especially for a somewhat flamboyant straight guy.

    on a sidenote though, I get what you guys are saying, I think my gaydar is broken or something, because I seem to have a fatal attraction for straight men.
  • Graffix

    Posts: 15

    Feb 21, 2007 5:20 PM GMT
    The fact that marriage vows are held in such low regard here is disappointing. Horsepower, you should not have backed down on your position when challenged. This forum demonstrates why gay men can not be taken seriously when advocating for same sex marriage. It's clear that the word, the institution and it's definition are meaningless to most of the guys who have posted here. It appears concepts like loyalty and commitment are disposable when they become inconvenient. This isn't a gay/straight issue. It's a quality of character issue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 21, 2007 5:59 PM GMT

    I'm not backing down. I was trying to ooze with sarcasm. Sometimes it doesn't translate so well. I'll try to ooze harder next time.