How much should you be willing to give up for a boyfriend?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    I've been single all my life and have been searching for "the right guy." Well I think I've finally found him (yes i guess miracles do happen) but i have some areas of concern. I am a junior in college and enjoy occasionally going out with my friends for drinks. He is a couple years older then me and already graduated from college. He thinks drinking is wrong and has been trying to get me to give it up. Would you be able to do this? BTW Im not addicted, just like going out with friends every now and then. I'm also in a frat and not out and therefore go to many date nights with girls and stuff like that. He thinks im using the girls and should not partake in these events. However, at the same time i love him very much and dont want to lose him. These issues are just bothering me. What do you think? Am i in the wrong or is he asking too much? What would you do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 1:14 AM GMT
    He wants to change you. You don't want to change. It's doomed to failure right from the start.
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Jun 09, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    You'll probably get more helpful answers if you provide more info.

    Why does he think drinking is wrong? Religious beliefs? Family history of alcoholism? And does he think all drinking is wrong, or just the kind of drinking often associated with frat boys and their parties? Is he around when you come back from drinking -- i.e., is he possibly seeing a side of you that bothers him, rightly or wrongly?

    Is he out? If so, how long, and does it bother him that you're not? Does he have a point about you using the girls? Was he in a frat? Does he seem to have opinions about frats in general and/or think (rightly or wrongly) yours has a bad influence on you?

    If he's just someone who chooses not to drink and would prefer to be with someone who makes the same choice, would it be worth it to give up drinking? (He should be asking himself whether you're worth putting up with however much or little drinking you do, too.)

    Variations on the same question apply to your being closeted and in a frat.

    Can't help you until I know more, and maybe not even then, but in the meantime, this advice on "the price of admission" in relationships is pretty classic (although he's responding to a different question than yours):

  • papayachalice

    Posts: 58

    Jun 09, 2011 3:37 AM GMT
    Drinking hurts your brain. Give it up
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 09, 2011 3:48 AM GMT
    In general, I would say he's wrong to change to attempt to change you. To expect you to give up all drinking is a bit extreme. If you always come home drunk or wreaking of alcohol and passing out on him, I doubt that's much of a turn on. But, if you're literally only having 2-3 drinks a couple of days a week, then he should lighten up.

    On the frat/down low front, again, he knows this is who you are. But, you are being fundamentally dishonest to your frat brothers and these girls you are "dating." He has every reason to find this mortally repugnant. If your brothers are supposed to be close friends, then they should accept you for who you are. Years from now, if you haven't come out to them, and they learn the truth, don't your think they'll feel betrayal? College is one of the safest places to come out. It doesn't get any easier. So, if you break up, finding other gay men who will accept that you're a closet case and date women, will be a challenge.

    Life is about compromise. If you really love this guy, you do need to find terms that work for both of you. Maybe you can promise to stop the fake dating of girls, at least. And drinking less.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 3:54 AM GMT
    You're young dude. You should be getting all infatuated and willing to change your skin color and amputate limbs for the current crush.

    The fact that you are asking strangers their opinions tells me that you aren't all that in to him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    This is always a hot topic for me which is probably why I can't find a man. I firmly believe that there is absolutly NOTHING wrong with going out with your friends for drinks or out to the club. I'm a stubborn stong-willed Italian and if I want to go out with my friends, I shouldn't have to answer to anyone about it. I'm 21 and I want to have the time of my life and make memories with the people that have been there for me and will continue to be. Like it's said boyfriends come and go but friends stay forever. While they might come and go as well, as I can attest, it's up to you. Live your life for you and no one else. They have their own <3
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidHe wants to change you. You don't want to change. It's doomed to failure right from the start.


    icon_confused.gif


    No. Way.

    kisses,

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 4:01 AM GMT
    He's just trying to spare you because he's older and enlightened, but you have to go through it. He doesn't realize that if you don't drink now and realize how lame it is, you'll drink later and if you don't date girls now, you'll become incredibly confused every time you see Iman, like I do. This is actually an opportune time for you to learn how to do something many a gay man in general deals with and most never perfect: say, "no." He says he wants you to do something and you don't want to; say , "no." He asks why, "explain..." or don't and just give him the "Man Look."
    ...........................................iron-man-site-obadiah-stane1.jpg
    He may find it really appealing. Most older want their younger to be assertive. Try it, you may find that you still get to do what you want to do and he's turned on more by you, your manliness: the way you say , "no. "



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    papayachalice saidDrinking hurts your brain. Give it up


    Lies.

    But I would agree that in excess, everything is bad.

    In moderation, there have been studies that have shown that different alcoholic beverages have a variety of benefits. Red wine vs Dark Beers vs Peppered Vodka, etc. Some of them are cultural, others actually have studies that support the claimed benefits.

    I honestly wish I would drink more get the benefits. I definitely don't drink a glass of wine or even a beer everyday, LOL.
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jun 09, 2011 5:06 AM GMT
    papayachalice saidDrinking hurts your brain. Give it up


    When you drink you become controlled by another spirit, alcohol. this thing is not good for your mind or even your body. Alcohol changes a person and gives birth to wickedness inside them.

    About your question how much would you give up?

    Well if you really love the person you will ensure you look after yourself because you need to be healthy so you yourself can sow seeds of love to grow in the relationship. If you are claiming to love this man and still want to get it on and hang around girls in the wrong way then clearly you DO NOT love this man and he deserves a person who will love him.

    To change a person is not an issue. You love a person for who they are but at the same time in his way of caring for you it seems he wants to change you but in fact he is looking out for you.

    It is like this, if you love him you will commit to him

    You will not go to parties were people abuse their bodies and end up with alcohol poisoning. you will make it priority to love and care for your partner. when you are more at parties then you cannot fill the love of your relationship. I have seen what goes on in these parties and it is not acceptable ecpecially when a person is in a loving relationship and they get drunk and sleep with anything around them.

    What a person must be able to give up is well,, if you love a person you would lay down your life for them if meed be, if you cannot do this then you do not love them. you love yourself.

    You need to look at your way of life and clean up so you can focus on what realy matters.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 11:33 AM GMT
    If you can drink one or two drinks in a social setting I think your drinking is okay. Can you drink zero drinks in a social setting, especially with your boyfriend? It might be a respectful thing to abstain around your boyfriend. On the other hand, I think your boyfriend is wrong about wanting you to completely quit, just because it's not his values. He might be a control freak and this is just the tip of the iceberg. What will it be next? You must be a vegetarian, or join his church, for example.

    I think you are wrong in dating these girls and playing with their emotions. Is the drinking and dating girls just so you will fit in with your fraternity? Be friends with the girls, but let them know you're gay. They'll find out eventually.

    Have a happy life and good luck with your friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 12:08 PM GMT
    confusedguy20 said I am a junior in college and enjoy occasionally going out with my friends for drinks. He is a couple years older then me and already graduated from college... He thinks drinking is wrong and has been trying to get me to give it up. .... . I'm also in a frat and not out and therefore go to many date nights with girls and stuff like that. He thinks im using the girls and should not partake in these events.

    Ordinarily a few years' age difference would not mean all that much. But it does here because you're in such different stages of your lives. You're still learning who you are, and to do that you have to experience all kinds of things that you won't have room for later.
    Your bf apparently wants someone who isn't going through this. So dating a college student isn't right for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    If you are in a frat, then you're already surrounded by closeted gay guys who wouldn't mind that you have a few drinks or hang out with girls occasionally... sounds like a nice alternative to a controlling teetotaler...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 12:25 PM GMT
    Don't ever trust someone who doesn't drink. There's gotta be something wrong with them. ;) jk jk

    I think you need to be you and also do you. Youre only in college once, don't let some dude ruin it because he wants to control you. Also, you're a junior in college, you have the rest of your life to find 'the one'. Don't ever change for someone. Rather find someone who finds you perfect just how you are. Also, who drinks. Live your life and have fun until then. Trust me you'll be happier in the end.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 09, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    Yes... if a boyfriend put it on the line and told me I couldn't drink... I would agree and I wouldn't do it....

    LOL

    Actually I don't drink anyway, except special occasions and I doubt if I'd accept it if he "told me" anything.....

    But with Confusedguy, something like social drinking... habits, etc can be challenging. If your drinking isn't a real issue, your boyfriend shouldn't look at it in such a black and white way. If he grows to love you, he should check it at the door.

    Example: When my partner and I began seeing each other, he was a smoker.
    I hate smoking, but he never did it around me. I never laid down any ultimatiums (knowing him, that would have been a major error). He quit smoking on his own after 3 or 4 years. It was never a problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 12:50 PM GMT
    You say that you love him very much and don't want to lose him. Does that imply that you have committed to him? If so, ask yourself a couple other questions.

    Is drinking so important to you that you would give up someone you love?

    If you love him and if you are committed to making it work, would you have a problem with him dating others?

    The fact that you go on these dates with women would be a definite deal breaker. How do you think it makes him feel when he's sitting home waiting on you to come in after a date.... How is he to handle that?

    I don't think he is being controlling or wanting to change you. However, If you are doing things that he doesn't approve of or things that hurt him, ask your self why you do those things or ask yourself why he doesn't approve. Then reach a compromise.

    Relationships are all about compromise and both people giving more than they take.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    What is he giving up for you? Have you asked him to reinvent his wheel? If not it seems rather one-sided because not even Jesus was perfect! Thing with stillbeing in the closet that is your journey and no one can force you out the closet. As long as you are not dating these girls and they are jus an escort to frat parties or whatever no harm done. Your are still coming into your own and he is already there and it appears that he is trying to put you on the fast track! That's not fair. I'm saying this and I have been out all my life. I used to be like your bf. Now if you were older and still in the closet then I would have an issue. But your are young and still in school. Coming out right now might not be wise, who knows what you stand to loose if you came out. He's just a bf not your'e spouse why risk it. I wouldn't if I were your age.

    You can't change for other people you have to change for yourself. Like others have said if you are falling down drank every night, than there is a larger issue here which needs to be addressed.

    Good luck to you young man!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 1:17 PM GMT
    relationships are about give and take... find an answer to the question... if you're expected to give up that, what is he giving you, and on the balance of probabilities is it fair? if you can't find a level of equality between you both, which admittedly will vary from time to time, then think hard about the relationship...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 1:25 PM GMT
    Run dont walk away. This is a HUGE red flag.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
    Like a lot have said, I don't tihnk you should change yourself. If the drinking thing is an issue with him, you should ask him why he personally thinks you should...

    As for the girl thing, while personally, I don't think using them is right ethically but um, that's a different subject.

    All in all, just talk things out with him if you really are into him like you say you are. Communication helps relationships in my opinion. But if you're not all that much into him, well.. I think you might know where the relationship will go...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2011 1:04 AM GMT
    A: You should be willing to give up a lot for him if you love him, but not more than he'd give up for you. NEVER do that.


    EDIT: My post seems to have been misunderstood/misconstrued below. The words "a lot" are very relative. I don't mean you should really give up a lot of the things that are good for you or things you love, but I think you should be flexible. If you can't be flexible for someone you love, then forget it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2011 2:01 AM GMT
    "Single all your life and been searching"? And you give your age as 20? Move on, young man, this is a dead end. You have not yet begun to search.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jun 10, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    The first guy was absolutely right. If he's already trying to change you, it's not going to work out. He's trying to fashion you into somebody that you don't resemble enough for him to love you. Get rid of him, and call me!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 10, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    t_h_r_i_v_e saidA: You should be willing to give up a lot for him if you love him, but not more than he'd give up for you. NEVER do that.


    oh hunny. You have much to learn padawan.