is this fair?

  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jun 10, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    I have a question for you all . Your oppinion is appreciated

    If you had a partner who hardly ever has sex with you. Like maybe twice a month you have sex.

    Then every single time you try to have sex with him he rejects you, then at the very next minute after he told you he is not in the mood he goes behind your back and jerks off.

    What if this has happened on more than one occasion. If sex happens it must be on his terms and his terms alone.

    Is this fair?

    What do you guys say
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 6:52 AM GMT
    You need to talk to him and find out the reason he is not wanting to have sex.
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jun 10, 2011 7:57 AM GMT
    The reason is given to me

    He tells me he is not in the mood, then he dienies me sex and then he jerks off instead.

    It is on his terms or nothing
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 10, 2011 8:02 AM GMT
    I wouldn't be in that situation or even consider that a partner.
    Hopefully you do not feel in love because that would make 1 of you. Think about it.icon_idea.gif
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    Jun 10, 2011 11:34 AM GMT
    Next time try jerking him off, he'll come around!
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jun 10, 2011 11:47 AM GMT
    I guess it's not fair. Maybe jerk off with him. Does he give a reason for the lack of interest?
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    Jun 10, 2011 12:02 PM GMT
    There's something else going on that's not being discussed. People often behave like this when there is a lot of stress in their life and they want to release their tensions on their own. Its easier to go jerk off than to have sex with a partner.

    I think you should talk to him to figure out what else is affecting him. It may be outside influences that you don't understand or it could be a relationship issue that he's not discussing with you. Without knowing you, its hard to offer more insight.
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Jun 10, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    vincent7 saidNext time try jerking him off, he'll come around!


    He will not let me touch him

    He only allows sex on HIS terms

    It is His way or the Highway
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    Jun 10, 2011 12:14 PM GMT
    Highway! Who needs a control freak?
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    Jun 10, 2011 12:19 PM GMT
    Did he act this way before, when you guys were initially getting together. If he is not being communicative give him an ultimatum. Convince him that the both of you should talk to a couples therapist or you will walk out on him.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 10, 2011 12:34 PM GMT
    donovan1979 said
    vincent7 saidNext time try jerking him off, he'll come around!


    He will not let me touch him

    He only allows sex on HIS terms

    It is His way or the Highway


    The sooner you get out of that relationship the better. Couples counseling might help. But seriously, just putting up with crap like that year after year takes it's toll. After you get out of the relationship you will be chastising yourself "Why did I allow myself to be treated like that!?!??".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 12:43 PM GMT
    donovan1979 saidI have a question for you all . Your oppinion is appreciated

    If you had a partner who hardly ever has sex with you. Like maybe twice a month you have sex.

    Then every single time you try to have sex with him he rejects you, then at the very next minute after he told you he is not in the mood he goes behind your back and jerks off.

    What if this has happened on more than one occasion. If sex happens it must be on his terms and his terms alone.

    Is this fair?

    What do you guys say


    What you have described does not sound like a relationship. I think part of a good caring, loving relationship is one where both of you are are sexually attracted and act upon that. It could mean you both have been in a relationship for a long time and lost the "spark" or age? I can't guess but maybe a couples therapy would be a worth while investment for you both?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 1:58 PM GMT
    Sounds like he's not attracted to you, and is only using you for a place to stay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:10 PM GMT
    You two are not a good fit. Period.

    End it and move on to someone who is a good fit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    Donovan, if you preach religion to him like you have been doing on the forums, I'd consider his behaviour not that unusual.

    Something you are doing or saying has turned him off. This doesn't excuse his beahiour as sometimes just breathing can turn someone off.

    Have you sat down and discussed this in depth with him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    Try flirting with another guy. That'll get his attention. j/k


    Well, I have several questions before I make a serious comment:

    1. Does he ever initiate sex with you?
    2. How long have you guys been together?
    3. Does he still say I love you?
    4. Did any one of you let yourself fitness-wise and is now out of shape?

    Answer point-by-point please. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    osakarob saidYou two are not a good fit. Period.

    End it and move on to someone who is a good fit.


    That's horrible advice. Don't listen to him. Not yet anyway.

    Don't make rushed decisions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:25 PM GMT
    osakarob saidYou two are not a good fit. Period.

    End it and move on to someone who is a good fit.


    Not everything is black and white and cut and dry as you recommended per your statement. Its a bit harsh and premature to suggest that don't you think? Maybe his partner is attracted to him and he is embarrassed about something and is unable to communicate it, who knows?
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    donovan1979 said
    vincent7 saidNext time try jerking him off, he'll come around!


    He will not let me touch him

    He only allows sex on HIS terms

    It is His way or the Highway


    And you are with him......why?

    I would tell him that if he refuses, you are going to get sex somewhere else. In fact, I have done that.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jun 10, 2011 2:31 PM GMT
    donovan1979 said
    vincent7 saidNext time try jerking him off, he'll come around!


    He will not let me touch him

    He only allows sex on HIS terms

    It is His way or the Highway



    Not being in the mood is one thing. But using that as an excuse, then jacking off speaks volumes. I'd get on that highway, put the pedal to the metal and high-tail it out of there, and don't look back. Try reading this book, or renting the movie...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    The simple answer to this is down right NO, but have you talked to him about it? Is there something about your approach that he's not finding appealing?? (not being mean) Do you know and/or have you experimented with diving into each others fantacies???

    There are some things that I would inquire about before allowing yourself to get too angry and do something you may regret. If you have done all this and the issue is still not being repaired, take the tough love approach and dump him.

    You know the old proverb, if you love something, you set it free and it comes back it was meant to be? Well think of it that way. If not, you deaserve better and it's for the best. No matter how attractive someone is to you, they are not worth keeping if they don't express love and affection.
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    Jun 10, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    Stolenname said

    You know the old proverb, if you love something, you set it free and it comes back it was meant to be?


    ....does this apply to young gay relationships? I'm not joking either. icon_neutral.gif. The OP is 32 so is therefore still relatively young.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    donovan1979 saidI have a question for you all . Your oppinion is appreciated

    If you had a partner who hardly ever has sex with you. Like maybe twice a month you have sex.

    Then every single time you try to have sex with him he rejects you, then at the very next minute after he told you he is not in the mood he goes behind your back and jerks off.

    What if this has happened on more than one occasion. If sex happens it must be on his terms and his terms alone.

    Is this fair?

    What do you guys say


    How often do you see each other? If only on weekends this ain't that bad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    Great example of why I have an issue with the monogamous relationship term. You may love him in every other way but the sex is just not there. In the traditional monogamous relationship, your partner has violated the contract of providing for your needs by denying you sex. Hence the difference between monogamous love and monogamous sex. Communications is a must. Sit down and explain to him, this isn't working, we need to fix this. If he's not willing or doesn't see a problem, then I'd consider saying, you're not for me. If you can't see my side of this or even work with me on it and are not willing to condone my finding pleasure elsewhere then it's over.
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    Jun 10, 2011 3:26 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidGreat example of why I have an issue with the monogamous relationship term. You may love him in every other way but the sex is just not there. In the traditional monogamous relationship, your partner has violated the contract of providing for your needs by denying you sex. Hence the difference between monogamous love and monogamous sex. Communications is a must. Sit down and explain to him, this isn't working, we need to fix this. If he's not willing or doesn't see a problem, then I'd consider saying, you're not for me. If you can't see my side of this or even work with me on it and are not willing to condone my finding pleasure elsewhere then it's over.



    There are a lot of other dynamics at work here, I think. None of us know what donovan's approach to romance and/or sex is, and he hasn't returned to this topic to answer questions since last night.