When you're single and want a LTR, do you still have "casual" sex?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2011 2:41 AM GMT
    I'm not talking about dangerous or unhealthy sex. I just mean classic, fun, one night stand sort of stuff (always safe). Personally, I've never really seen a contradiction between seeking a LTR and being open to casual sex. But I get the sense that lots of guys disagree with me. I've noticed that it's really common for people to draw a distinction between (a) looking for sex/hookups, and (b) looking for a relationship.

    I want a LTR, but I've had a string of bad luck on the dating front for a while now. I feel like I'd just be lonelier if I went celibate until I found someone "right." But, on the other hand, maybe being open to casual sex is holding me back somehow.

    Serious question here. Thoughts?
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    Jun 11, 2011 4:17 PM GMT
    Would you want a relationship with someone who was out having casual sex up until? If you don't mind, then go ahead and do the same. However, if that were a problem for you, then don't do it. Behaving like you want your future boyfriend to behave, increases the likelihood of meeting someone of the same mindset.

    Or are you one of those hypocrites of the "do as I say, not as I do" variety? Unless you want a doormat for a boyfriend that won't fly.

    I'm probably not in your desired age-bracket, but as someone in an open relationship I don't think much of preemptive monogamy.
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Jun 11, 2011 6:16 PM GMT
    Yeah it depends. If a guy is actively trying to date and sleeps with some of those people then I don't see a probelm with it. Its quite another situation if a guy is trollling the net for sex or going to gay bars to pick people up.
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    Jun 11, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    there's a post on the gay love coach about this

    http://thegaylovecoach.com/2011/03/sex-while-dating-interview-with-how-to-master-the-inner-game-of-gay-dating/

    @bhp91126. can you rephrase "don't think much of" ...it can be read a couple of different ways.



    there are alot of different variables. is the LTR you are seeking life term or just durable for more than a few weeks? are you seeking monogamy? what kind of monogamy? physical only and/or also emotional?

    the crux of it for me would be if you are seeking someone live-in for complete sexual monogamy, then you should probably be practicing some level of impulse control. some people can't walk by a dessert or cock without having to have the whole thing. some people can look and say it's nice and walk on.

    in purely practical terms, if part of your idea of an LTR involves not bothering with safe sex, you should factor in your risk levels in your behavior because nothing is safe (not even abstinence, someone will still kill you...we all die :twistedicon_smile.gif.

    if you fuck people too fast, in my experience, you tend to deal with consumers who are always seeking the next new thing and will step out on you if you are unavailable for a week or so for work. that's not a problem if it's within your agreement.

    some people would really like a LTR, but get worn down and just take what they can get.

    the end result for me is that you should communicate in brutal contract-like way. last year i got dumped in a bad way and had to "clean the slate" so to speak...i told a guy "look, this has no future, i am rebounding, just take the pleasure for what it's worth:" i would pay LARGE money for men to have the balls to communicate that clearly ALL the time and not be weak half-stepping losers.

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    Jun 11, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    Mmm that's a very good question. I have been struggling with this for quite some time. I believe in my heart that you got to quit other sexual relationships to produce one main relationship. My second and longest relationship I slowly cut all other sex relationships I had when I became the official boyfriend. I'm leaning towards a LTR so everyone I become sexual with gets my. "I'm looking for a relationship speech" So usually after my speech they tell me what they can offer. Lately isn't much. I find that you got to keep your reputation looking good if your gonna get a LTR nobody wants a guy that has a reputation for being a club slut,internet slut,or married single slut(s).
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 11, 2011 7:34 PM GMT
    for about the first 8 months of our now over 3 year relationship; i looked for "quickies" on the side; as i suspect my bf did. ("don't ask.....don't tell....)

    but, as time went on, and the relationship deepened and developed, something strange happened....

    neither one of us wanted to have sex with other, better looking, men!

    oh sure, we'd eye fuck 'em at the local gay bar, but when push came to shove (so to speak)...neither one of us wanted to fuck anyone except the other.

    strange how that happened.........
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidWould you want a relationship with someone who was out having casual sex up until?


    Sure–assuming the ? stands for "the time we become official boyfriends," or whatever. I'd think it was totally normal for somebody to have sex (assuming it's "normal" sex) in-between LTRs, and then settle down and be monogamous (to whatever degree the couple decides upon) once the relationship takes off. That's what I want and envision for myself.

    But let me push you a little, bhp. Not to be combative...I'm honestly just trying to understand. You ask:

    bhp91126Or are you one of those hypocrites of the "do as I say, not as I do" variety?


    First, I totally agree that this type of person would be a shitty BF, and shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. But why, in your mind, is this type of shitty hypocritical behavior so closely associated with somebody's behavior before they get into a relationship? Why does it seem so likely to you that if a guy has occasional casual sex when not in a relationship (for me it'd be about once a month), then he'll act like an asshole once he's in a relationship? To me that seems like a really pessimistic outlook, and it doesn't match my dating history (neither for me nor for my wonderful ex BFs).

    And yet you're not alone on this. I'm noticing that this is a really common expectation people carry around. As BR says below you:

    BambinoRexif you fuck people too fast, in my experience, you tend to deal with consumers who are always seeking the next new thing and will step out on you


    Again, this kind of guy sounds like a really shitty BF. But I don't see the connection between [a] his shitty behavior as a BF and [b] his sexual behavior when he's single.

    At the risk of trivializing this, here's a random analogy. One of my ex's would never put the cap back on the toothpaste. It drove me crazy. So now I know I want a BF who will put the cap back on. But I'd still be open to dating a guy who leaves the cap off when he's single. I just don't believe in "once a cap-leaver-offer, always a cap-leaver-offer."

    OK, thanks for the thoughts, fellas. Again, I don't mean to be argumentative. Keep the feedback coming!

    PS: Thanks for that link BambinoRex. I'm gonna listen to that here in a few.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2011 11:15 PM GMT
    Just noticed the "can you trust a guy..." thread is relevant to this. That one got pretty ADD, though. Not too helpful in the ol' personal development category...
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    Jun 11, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    awm55 saidYeah it depends. If a guy is actively trying to date and sleeps with some of those people then I don't see a probelm with it. Its quite another situation if a guy is trollling the net for sex or going to gay bars to pick people up.



    I agree. I think it all depends on the degree. At some point, the amount of hooking up can point to a sexual addiction problem, and that ain't going to suddenly go away just because you get in a relationship. Once the novelty of the relationship wear off, you'll be right back out there hunting for casual sex.
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    Jun 12, 2011 3:53 AM GMT
    Not unless we go on a date first. Some guys end up not being right for the long haul, but there is definite sexual chemistry. As far as online hook ups and other random encounters....no.
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    Jun 12, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    Guess what?
    I certainly did, if I was feeling lonely and met another guy that also wanted some intimacy. It didn't happen often, but it did happen. It was consensual and safe. We are all, in the final analysis, human, and as such have needs of a companionable nature.

    How's that? Lol! *hears gaps of collective shock*


    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    one would think that there is some magic button you press and you are in LTR mode, but life is more complicated. i think having exposure to other things can help you know what you really want. kinda like if you were at a buffet and had to pick one item as an entree, you might sample several things, knowing you were going to pick one and that would be your meal and you couldn't come back to the buffet after you had an entree. but other people got the buffet only.
  • SFTraveler

    Posts: 171

    Jun 23, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    Seriously, there's nothing inconsistent between casual sex and seeking a LTR.
    A guy has needs that must be satisfied and after all, it's just sex. To me, the key is not letting your search for casual sex get in the way of the more important search for a LTR.
    icon_smile.gif