boyfriend's best friend

  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Jun 11, 2011 9:30 AM GMT
    Okay, I've replied to my fair share of relationship questions - now it's my turn! lol
    So, I've been dating a guy for the last couple of months and it's going very well except that I don't really get on well with his friends. He's always very generous with his help and time and now that I'm around he sees them just a tiny bit less and I think they're jealous.
    His best friend really doesn't like me though and is extremely possessive of my boyfriend - he calls him several times a day and they generally see each other at least twice a day. 90 percent of the time if we go out for diner his best friend comes along too. All his friend can talk about is grindr and cute guys he sees passing in front of him - that's it. His friend even after a few months of seeing him EVERY DAY still often pretends not to remember my name and says "you, what's your name again?" - but always out of earshot of my boyfriend. Last thing that gets me is they're both from Naples in Italy where they basically have their own language -I'm fluent in Italian but can barely understand Neapolitan so at dinner I basically sit there whilst they natter away. I think this behavior is weird, but in Italy maybe not so much. Thoughts? Advice on how I might approach the subject with my boyfriend who is very defensive of his friend?
    Thanks icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 11, 2011 10:09 AM GMT
    "Why can't we just all get along?" to quote the famous words of Rodney King. I think this would be a delicate balancing act for you and I can understand your boyfriend wanting to get together with his best friend that he knew prior to knowing you. Do you like his best friend? If not, maybe try to put your best foot forward in making him your best friend also. If the best friend sees his friendship with your boyfriend being taken away from him, he may react negatively, which I think he's doing right now.

    Why not just let your boyfriend and and bestfriend get together by themselves once in a while and do things all together once in a while. The best friend needs to understand that you are not the enemy, but another friend. Please don't let this affect your relationship with your boyfriend.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Jun 11, 2011 10:37 AM GMT
    hdurdinr saidLast thing that gets me is they're both from Naples in Italy where they basically have their own language -I'm fluent in Italian but can barely understand Neapolitan so at dinner I basically sit there whilst they natter away. I think this behavior is weird, but in Italy maybe not so much.


    howrude.jpg

    I'd tell them to please speak English while I was there. I myself hate it when my parents speak Bengali to me infront of people who don't understand it, I tell them right off to speak Swedish instead.
  • pecsman_5

    Posts: 35

    Jun 11, 2011 11:09 AM GMT
    Hey, its time to stop the bs. You need to have a talk with your bf about how you feel. He and his buds are being damned inconsiderate by speaking a language around you that you don't understand and that needs to stop. As far as his best friend is concerned, let him know you aren't the enemy. And the next time he pretends to not know your name, call him on it. Stop being a doormat for these guys.
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jun 11, 2011 11:25 AM GMT
    1. Until he learns yur name, don't acknowledge him. People try and do this all of the time wth me, I ignore them sometimes walk away until they get it right.

    2. I'm sorry but how much can you get of one person. Twice a day plus phone tm, what is it that they're doing with all of that time together? Can't be just taking, I didn't even see my roommates twice a day and tey were down the hallway. Sounds like he is a bit possessive.

    3. Speaking in different languages when together and around you. No bueno bueeeeeeeeno

    You should talk to him about this. This is his and your issue to settle out. The best way, in my eyes, is to non-confrontationally discuss this with him
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    Jun 11, 2011 12:08 PM GMT
    wow posts like this make me realise people take a lot more shit than I ever will!
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Jun 11, 2011 12:59 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies - lol @ snowboarder!
    But just to put something to rest, I'm very independent and DO give him plenty of time alone with his best friend - who frankly acts so bitchy most of the time - and that is one thing I just can't stand. He can occasionally be funny, but otherwise he has no redeeming features. He teases me for being an Irish 'country boy' but he has only ever left Italy twice in his life and never been out of Europe. A part of me feels sorry for him but we have so very little in common. He has no idea that I don't like him and I haven't mentioned anything to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is great though and so I don't want this to get between us, but dinner reservations for three every weekend gets old fast! (last weekend we went to a friend of mine who has a restaurant and all he did was complain to us and her about the food saying that the people from Florence can't cook as well as the Neapolitans - I wanted to hit him!)
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Jun 11, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    Since it sounds like you have no problem with your boyfriend, and he may be oblivious to the problem, I think the best approach is to bring things up with him without being accusing. You don't want to put a potentially good relationship on the rocks by getting him mad at you for attacking his best friend.

    Something like 'Hey, I know so-and-so is your best friend, but I'd really love to have more alone time with you.' or 'You know I have no idea what you're saying when you guys talk in Neopolitan? I just feel a little left out of the conversation...' Basically, don't attack, just try to guilt trip him!

    Another (much more complicated) option - bring one of your bitchy friends along and hope they get together and out of your hair!
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    Jun 11, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    hdurdinr said
    He has no idea that I don't like him and I haven't mentioned anything to my boyfriend.

    Most people know if you don't like them. You reveal yourself to them. I can compare the situation you are in with when I occasionally have to get together with family members who don't like me. You have to do it sometimes because they're family.

    I would recommend just continue being kind to your bf's friend and maintain your dignity. He might like you more than you think, in other words, he might be attracted to you and is being a bitch about it. I think you can win him over eventually. Take him a little gift once in a while. Well, bring 2 gifts, one for your bf as well.
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    Jun 11, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    Your BF's BFF has the hots for your BF and is jealous.
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    Jun 11, 2011 2:32 PM GMT
    Wow, thats a tough situation you are in. When you and your bf are alone, just tell him how you feel. Start with, I think your best friend doesn't like me. See your bf's reaction and response for direction. You need to know if he really has no clue or that he does. Since that you guys have been together for a few months, its kinda of inconsiderate of him to not to put you first. Especially if he has an idea about the problem. Well the other option is really try to get to know the friend better. Keep you friends close and your enemies closer. icon_twisted.gif
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    Jun 11, 2011 2:46 PM GMT
    hdurdinr saidMy boyfriend is great though and so I don't want this to get between us,


    This is a very common misconception among people asking for relationship advice. "My boyfriend is great, but..." "She's a really caring person, but..." "We have such a great connection, but..."

    The thing is, there are no "buts" in relationships. If you're in a relationship with him, you're in a relationship with his entire life -- everything that makes him who he is. His best friend is a part of his life. You are therefore in a second-hand relationship with his best friend, like it or not.

    Your boyfriend, who "is great", is also apparently the kind of guy who:
    *isn't looking for the same level of social exclusivity as you.
    *is comfortable spending as much or more time with his friend than his lover.
    *knowingly excludes you from conversation by speaking in a language/dialect you don't share.
    *has chosen a bitchy/shallow/hostile human being as a best friend.

    This doesn't mean he isn't "great", it just means you need to expand your perspective on "great" - which is a vague romanticism - to include the reality you see in front of you. Who your boyfriend is right now, bitchy clingy best friend and all, is who he is, and is who he will be. If you're fine with that, then fine. But eyes wide open, man.
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    Jun 11, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    I totally understand your frustration. I had two Italian roommates and when they would get a little homesick or prideful they would speak quickly and in dialect so that I could not understand the words that I had learned.

    I then did a little experiment...When French friends were present I would spend a small amount of time speaking in French which was the same amount incomprehensible to them as Italian was to me ( I watched and listened to their agitation with that). When Native English speakers were present I played around with speaking quickly and using slang (and I watched their agitation grow).

    Your situation is a bit different. If your boyfriend cares for you I'm sure he is not intentionally sidelining you, but it seems apparent that the best friend is taking advantage of your language handicap and your bf's naive perception of the situation. To approach this without your bf thinking you are the aggressive and jealous one (bc you have been in his life for much less time than the bff). I think you could choose your words wisely and point out the how do you suppose I should feel/how would this make you feel.

    As you are bringing this to the table, I would continue to visibly make efforts to include and befriend this best friend and let your boyfriend see your efforts and how the bff spins the situations.

    I could go on and on about how I would use psychology to control the control-ables in this situation, but you get the point. There are a few things to attack. Your Bf's AWARENESS, THE NATURAL "HOW I FEEL", and down the road THE BEST FRIENDS INTENTIONS.

    Good luck and thanks for sharing!
    Jay
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 11, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    SDGMAN saidYour BF's BFF has the hots for your BF and is jealous.




    yes! this was my thoughts when reading the first post of this thread. i wonder how many other potential relationships this "friend" has ruined?

  • Jun 11, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    hdurdinr saidOkay, I've replied to my fair share of relationship questions - now it's my turn! lol
    So, I've been dating a guy for the last couple of months and it's going very well except that I don't really get on well with his friends. He's always very generous with his help and time and now that I'm around he sees them just a tiny bit less and I think they're jealous.
    His best friend really doesn't like me though and is extremely possessive of my boyfriend - he calls him several times a day and they generally see each other at least twice a day. 90 percent of the time if we go out for diner his best friend comes along too. All his friend can talk about is grindr and cute guys he sees passing in front of him - that's it. His friend even after a few months of seeing him EVERY DAY still often pretends not to remember my name and says "you, what's your name again?" - but always out of earshot of my boyfriend. Last thing that gets me is they're both from Naples in Italy where they basically have their own language -I'm fluent in Italian but can barely understand Neapolitan so at dinner I basically sit there whilst they natter away. I think this behavior is weird, but in Italy maybe not so much. Thoughts? Advice on how I might approach the subject with my boyfriend who is very defensive of his friend?
    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    The next time that your bf's friend ask you what is your name? Just call your bf into the conversation and ask your bf to share with them your name... If the guy denies asking for your name.. just asked them what is your name? Once they can say it, then that should resolve the issue that they will ask for your name again... Good luck!!!
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    Jun 11, 2011 3:26 PM GMT


    Well, you'll know if this relationship goes beyond dating if he eventually figures out that sometimes three's a crowd.
    I think that telling him how you feel is something to do when you reach a point where you feel you might be losing interest. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    PS I think that speaking in a language exclusive to them when you're present is rude.

  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Jun 11, 2011 3:52 PM GMT
    You're right. The friend is just a bit jealous. On the other hands, some people are just downright weasels. Complaining to your boyfriend would not be the best thing to do. He may feel that it is an ultimatum to pick either you or his friend. And you haven't been dating him long enough to be picked.

    Also fighting with the friend is not the best thing. Your relationship will not survive because it seems like they are close to each other. Be polite to the friend. The other poster was right, take him a small gift or something. At the most, you can make a small, nice joke out of him asking your name each time.

    As to them talking in other dialects, mention to your boyfriend alone that you want to get to know him and his friends more and talking in tongue you understand would be helpful. As to the dinner for three, invite your boyfriend to to a restaurant of your choice. Tell him you want it to be special or something. He will get the hint himself. If that doesn't work, maybe you can provide the friend with a date. That might distract him. Or you can be passive aggressive, and invite one of your bitchy friends.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 11, 2011 4:05 PM GMT
    commoncoll said.... invite one of your bitchy friends.




    payback IS schweeeeet!


    and i also think that the two of them speaking in a language that they know you do not understand is darn Rude.
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    Jun 11, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    I've been in a situation like this before. He choose his friends over me.
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Jun 11, 2011 4:26 PM GMT
    Karnage saidSince it sounds like you have no problem with your boyfriend, and he may be oblivious to the problem, I think the best approach is to bring things up with him without being accusing. You don't want to put a potentially good relationship on the rocks by getting him mad at you for attacking his best friend.

    Something like 'Hey, I know so-and-so is your best friend, but I'd really love to have more alone time with you.' or 'You know I have no idea what you're saying when you guys talk in Neopolitan? I just feel a little left out of the conversation...' Basically, don't attack, just try to guilt trip him!

    Another (much more complicated) option - bring one of your bitchy friends along and hope they get together and out of your hair!


    Actually, I love the last idea...they can have a bitch slapfest! At the very least, that would be fun to watch or listen to. LOL
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Jun 11, 2011 5:35 PM GMT
    Thanks all so much for your replies, I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond.
    Firstly, a bitch slap fest WOULD be fun! I don't have any bitchy friends but there are plenty at my gym I could try and befriend lol.
    I wouldn't be surprised if his BFF is attracted to him as my boyfriend is pretty damn hot, and he never really meets anyone on grindr despite being on it 24/7 making up excuses like, "he lives too far away" (this guy was ten minutes away) or "he's French".
    I really really cannot fathom why they are best friends as they are so different, he makes him laugh though and they are two 'fish out of water' as it were it the provincial Italian mindset.
    The thing is I have no real problem seeing this friend for the occasional dinner or what have you, but I tried booking a table for the two of us and by bf said "you'd better reserve it for three in case bff wants to come". -and like I already said I give him tons of time alone with his friend. It is a different mindset, Neapolitans are used to doing things in groups.
    Oh well, we'll see. I'll try buying the friend a gift (do you know 'gift' means 'poison' in German ;) like some of you suggested.
    Thanks again everybody!
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    Jun 11, 2011 7:14 PM GMT
    tangent: we all have intimacy needs. both emotional and physical. when we are single, our friends fill many of the emotional ones. we may get the sexual ones met by casual boyfriends until something changes and you shift over. that's when you find couples socializing. if you have a bunch of single friends, they will often not really encourage your relationships because they cannot relate to it, and because it is a threat to one of their intimacy sources.

    many gay men have core groups of friends who are their family. think of the girls of SATC who really are loyal to each other above any man. it's like that. i went out with a guy like that. his friends are great though. but the core narrative of their life is them as a group. any other narrative of any single one of them joining a couple would have to harmonize with that prior narrative (and be able to tolerate the bitchiness) or it would be edited out. we are still friends. the dynamic was obvious to start with.
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    Jun 11, 2011 7:33 PM GMT
    hdurdinr saidOkay, I've replied to my fair share of relationship questions - now it's my turn! lol
    So, I've been dating a guy for the last couple of months and it's going very well except that I don't really get on well with his friends. He's always very generous with his help and time and now that I'm around he sees them just a tiny bit less and I think they're jealous.
    His best friend really doesn't like me though and is extremely possessive of my boyfriend - he calls him several times a day and they generally see each other at least twice a day. 90 percent of the time if we go out for diner his best friend comes along too. All his friend can talk about is grindr and cute guys he sees passing in front of him - that's it. His friend even after a few months of seeing him EVERY DAY still often pretends not to remember my name and says "you, what's your name again?" - but always out of earshot of my boyfriend. Last thing that gets me is they're both from Naples in Italy where they basically have their own language -I'm fluent in Italian but can barely understand Neapolitan so at dinner I basically sit there whilst they natter away. I think this behavior is weird, but in Italy maybe not so much. Thoughts? Advice on how I might approach the subject with my boyfriend who is very defensive of his friend?
    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    I'll share a very neat trick for situation like this. (You're welcome by the way)

    Buy you and your BF a week or two weeks long vacation outside of Italy. Go to a vacation spot where his cell phone plan doesn't work (or costs too much to work). Something like going on a cruise is a good idea. This will cut off the connection between him and his best friend, and at the same strengthen your connection with your BF. Now, you have to be at your BEST behavior on the vacation for this to work. Otherwise it will backfire.

    Since you are paying for the vacation, his bestfriend cannot come along. Voilà!
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Jun 11, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    cityaznguy said
    hdurdinr saidOkay, I've replied to my fair share of relationship questions - now it's my turn! lol
    So, I've been dating a guy for the last couple of months and it's going very well except that I don't really get on well with his friends. He's always very generous with his help and time and now that I'm around he sees them just a tiny bit less and I think they're jealous.
    His best friend really doesn't like me though and is extremely possessive of my boyfriend - he calls him several times a day and they generally see each other at least twice a day. 90 percent of the time if we go out for diner his best friend comes along too. All his friend can talk about is grindr and cute guys he sees passing in front of him - that's it. His friend even after a few months of seeing him EVERY DAY still often pretends not to remember my name and says "you, what's your name again?" - but always out of earshot of my boyfriend. Last thing that gets me is they're both from Naples in Italy where they basically have their own language -I'm fluent in Italian but can barely understand Neapolitan so at dinner I basically sit there whilst they natter away. I think this behavior is weird, but in Italy maybe not so much. Thoughts? Advice on how I might approach the subject with my boyfriend who is very defensive of his friend?
    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    I'll share a very neat trick for situation like this. (You're welcome by the way)

    Buy you and your BF a week or two weeks long vacation outside of Italy. Go to a vacation spot where his cell phone plan doesn't work (or costs too much to work). Something like going on a cruise is a good idea. This will cut off the connection between him and his best friend, and at the same strengthen your connection with your BF. Now, you have to be at your BEST behavior on the vacation for this to work. Otherwise it will backfire.

    Since you are paying for the vacation, his bestfriend cannot come along. Voilà!



    Thank you for this extremely expensive way to take a hold of the situation! lol -but you're right - I was already think somewhere along those lines and he'll be coming to visit me back home in Ireland in the summer, so that'll be something - and hey if his friend insists on coming I'll just speak English the whole time with a strong Irish accent icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 11, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    hdurdinr said
    cityaznguy said
    hdurdinr saidOkay, I've replied to my fair share of relationship questions - now it's my turn! lol
    So, I've been dating a guy for the last couple of months and it's going very well except that I don't really get on well with his friends. He's always very generous with his help and time and now that I'm around he sees them just a tiny bit less and I think they're jealous.
    His best friend really doesn't like me though and is extremely possessive of my boyfriend - he calls him several times a day and they generally see each other at least twice a day. 90 percent of the time if we go out for diner his best friend comes along too. All his friend can talk about is grindr and cute guys he sees passing in front of him - that's it. His friend even after a few months of seeing him EVERY DAY still often pretends not to remember my name and says "you, what's your name again?" - but always out of earshot of my boyfriend. Last thing that gets me is they're both from Naples in Italy where they basically have their own language -I'm fluent in Italian but can barely understand Neapolitan so at dinner I basically sit there whilst they natter away. I think this behavior is weird, but in Italy maybe not so much. Thoughts? Advice on how I might approach the subject with my boyfriend who is very defensive of his friend?
    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    I'll share a very neat trick for situation like this. (You're welcome by the way)

    Buy you and your BF a week or two weeks long vacation outside of Italy. Go to a vacation spot where his cell phone plan doesn't work (or costs too much to work). Something like going on a cruise is a good idea. This will cut off the connection between him and his best friend, and at the same strengthen your connection with your BF. Now, you have to be at your BEST behavior on the vacation for this to work. Otherwise it will backfire.

    Since you are paying for the vacation, his bestfriend cannot come along. Voilà!



    Thank you for this extremely expensive way to take a hold of the situation! lol -but you're right - I was already think somewhere along those lines and he'll be coming to visit me back home in Ireland in the summer, so that'll be something - and hey if his friend insists on coming I'll just speak English the whole time with a strong Irish accent icon_wink.gif


    Actually, if your BF's friend comes along, you should charge him RENT, because if that bitch doesn't know or remember your name, therefore he is not your friend anyway. Which makes the act of charging him rent perfectly justifiable. How about that? lol