You want him as a friend but NOT as a sex buddy. How to kindly reject???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2011 4:01 PM GMT
    So picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Jun 11, 2011 6:48 PM GMT
    PresentMind saidSo picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?


    Nip it in the bud now. Tell him you're flattered by his attraction but don't reciprocate it, but you really enjoy his company and would love to be friends. And promise never to speak of it again. That's how I'd want to hear it if the roles were reversed.
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    Jun 11, 2011 6:56 PM GMT
    slimnmuscly said
    PresentMind saidSo picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?


    Nip it in the bud now. Tell him you're flattered by his attraction but don't reciprocate it, but you really enjoy his company and would love to be friends. And promise never to speak of it again. That's how I'd want to hear it if the roles were reversed.


    Agreed. His desire will only continue to grow in the wrong direction if it isn't addressed. If you have as open a dialogue as you indicate, it should be pretty painless. It may even be one of those things you guys laugh about for many years to come!!!
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    Jun 11, 2011 7:04 PM GMT
    I agree with both of the previous posters.

    Think about it this way: he has been very up front and honest with you. You owe him the same. Especially if you want to develop a friendship. Just be up front and honest about it. No need to go into detail about why you aren't attracted to him. Just let him know that you are not.

    If you two get on as well as you have described, then he'll probably understand. He won't be happy about it and it may be awkward for a bit, but it will pass.

    Good luck to you! At least you're not closing the door on a friendship based on your lack of physical attraction. More guys should be that way.
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    Jun 11, 2011 7:34 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    I have yet to meet someone who made it clear to me that he did not want sex yet wanted to pursue a platonic friendship. That just never happens.


    I have actually had this happen on both ends of it. All 3 of us are great friends as well. If we had just decided to avoid each other, I would have missed out on something great and rare -- two REAL friends.

    While it's rare, it's possible. The actions are way more important than the words. You can't tell him this and then just cut off all contact. Also, take care that it is not perceived as a pity thing. If it is done from a place of mutual respect it can work out.
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    Jun 11, 2011 8:45 PM GMT
    When you find out how to do that successfully, let me know!
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    Jun 11, 2011 8:49 PM GMT
    You could say somethin like "You know, I like you as a friend and you're a handsome guy but I only see you as a friend/I'm not into you that way" You have to add the you're handsome bit because if you only say "I'm not into you that way" he's gonna think you're callin him ugly.
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    Jun 11, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAll someone has to do is kindly and respectfully let me know that I'm not their type. I am not one to throw myself at someone if I know they find me unattractive.


    Are we to actually believe there is a man alive that would turn down an opportunity with you?!?!?!!?!? Even if it were one night only?!?!!!?

    icon_twisted.gificon_redface.gificon_twisted.gif

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 11, 2011 9:00 PM GMT
    Arghhhhh I can relate to OP sooo much here, FFS it's annoying.

    You talk to somebody for a while online that you do not particularly fancy, but, you get on with them like a house on fire, you like them on a friendship level, you try not to give them the wrong idea but they still flirt and or hope for something more, which becomes apparent somewhere further along the line of discourse. You inform and them that your feelings are platonic only, they get offended/embarrassed/indignant and stop communication altogether.

    No matter if people say they are looking for friendship as well as more, the minute they realise there is no possibility of sex/relationship in store for them here, the real SOLE intention behind the discourse rears its head and all of a sudden they clearly feel that they have wasted their time and efforts getting to know you, even if you had been talking regularly for many months prior, the presumptuous game they have played backfires and they cut all ties, most likely to save face.

    Booo hissss boo.

    That's why I'm a big fan of just assuming possible friendship/acquaintances when talking to guys, and If I am attracted to them for the possibility of more, anything else that may evolve is just a bonus. A shame that seemingly most gay guys think the exact opposite.


    Reply to OP: If they ask me outright, I am completely honest and just say I enjoy talking/hanging out with them, would like to continue to do so, but I just don't have a deeper attraction to them, so if they want to carry on as we have been doing so on a friendship basis, awesome cakes. 9/10 they thank you for your honesty but then tell you that they really were looking for more and/or then just cease all contact (but they don't inform you of this from the get-go of getting to know you as they clearly don't want to appear slutty or as a stage-5 clinger and ruin their chances) , the 1/10 who doesn't tends to secretly resent the rejection/harbor hope that you'll eventually change your mind; consequently, eventual unrequited gay drama ensues...icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 11, 2011 9:11 PM GMT
    PresentMind saidSo picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?


    Tell him you're "Friend Zoned" and that you dont want to wreck it. Dont bring up attraction or any of that crap because it will inevitably hurt his feelings and probably make him sour on you.
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    Jun 11, 2011 9:15 PM GMT
    this situation always turns ugly for me. Seems like no matter how nice you are about it, the rejectee gets offended.
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    Jun 11, 2011 9:26 PM GMT
    I say give it a try and stop if things go wrong. We're dudes anyway, what are we going to lose?
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    Jun 11, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    Tell him you have chronic diarrhea most of the time. Trust me it works for every occasion .
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    Jun 11, 2011 9:51 PM GMT
    PresentMind saidSo picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?


    Come on, you're 54 and in an open relationship? You've never had to deal with situations like this before?
  • mybud

    Posts: 11821

    Jun 12, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    You handle it head on....You say I'm not into you sexuality but I feel we can forge a great friendship...If he whines...acts like a fuck....Move on.....
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    Jun 12, 2011 5:13 AM GMT
    Beats me. Usually they get angry and I never hear from them again.
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    Jun 12, 2011 2:15 PM GMT
    van_can said
    PresentMind saidSo picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?


    Come on, you're 54 and in an open relationship? You've never had to deal with situations like this before?


    Van Can, I know how I've dealt with this situation before. The great thing about the RJ forums is that I get to hear how you guys handle Life's little awkward situations.

    What I'm reading here is a consensus of 'Be Straightforward'. Good advice guys! Thanks.
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    Jun 12, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    Just be straight forward. "I like hanging out with you. I'm not looking for anything physical between us and I hope that you're ok with that". If he asks why, just say, "I'm just weird that way man. It's different for every guy. We're both good guys so no reason why we can't still be friends right?" Something to that effect. Then try to change the conversation.
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    Jun 12, 2011 2:46 PM GMT
    If he wants to get you bed more than the value of your friendship. Then so much for the friendship right? come on...
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jun 12, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
    honesty is the best policy buddy. i would just be honest. tell him that you would love to be friends but you do not feel the same way about him
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    Jun 12, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    slimnmuscly said
    PresentMind saidSo picture this: You meet a guy who gives great conversation. You can and do talk for hours. He's intelligent and has great stories.

    He's not in love with you but finds you hot. He makes it clear that he's looking forward to naked play with you....as soon as you are comfortable. You can't stomach the idea of sex with him.

    How do you go about this rejection while hoping to develop a friendship?

    IF the roles were reversed, how would you like to hear the sex-rejection message?


    Nip it in the bud now. Tell him you're flattered by his attraction but don't reciprocate it, but you really enjoy his company and would love to be friends. And promise never to speak of it again. That's how I'd want to hear it if the roles were reversed.


    +10000
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    Jun 12, 2011 4:14 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAll someone has to do is kindly and respectfully let me know that I'm not their type. I am not one to throw myself at someone if I know they find me unattractive. Apparently a lot of people can, but I simply cannot have sex with someone if I know for certain that they do not find me attractive and therefore would never initiate nor try to bed them. I do not understand how people can sleep with someone when they are perceived as unattractive by the person they are pursuing. It baffles me.

    With that being said, if someone were to tell me this I would anticipate that this person really does not want to be friends either and is simply looking for the easiest (perhaps wimpiest?) way to avoid me altogether.

    I have yet to meet someone who made it clear to me that he did not want sex yet wanted to pursue a platonic friendship. That just never happens.


    I have developed many platonic friendships with guys I don't find physically attractive. Some of my closest friends are people I would never want to sleep with.
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    Jun 13, 2011 1:06 AM GMT
    When I'm in that situation I make it clear right away that I'm more interested in him as a good friend. Be honest. Tell him the truth ...that you enjoy his company a lot and think he is a great guy.

    Introduce him to your other friends so it won't seem like a date to him.

    Avoid mentioning anything about "my type", attractiveness or sexual stuff. Respectfully brush off comments by him about how "hot" you are.

    It doesn't always work. Usually, though, the guy can't handle it and sadly, the friendship ends..... Bummer.