To Ex-Married Men: Was It Worth It?

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    Jun 12, 2011 12:13 PM GMT
    This is a question to all gay/bi men who were married (or are still married).
    Was it worth it to get married to a woman?
    And to all men who have kids, does this fact affect your answer? In the sense that having kids was a good enough reason to say being married to a woman was worth it?
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    Jun 12, 2011 1:49 PM GMT
    there's no pre script.
    Parenting has its many headaches but ultimately a humiliating experience that makes all the more worthwhile
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    Jun 12, 2011 2:15 PM GMT
    I was married in 1972, a very different time than now not only for acceptance of gays and lesbians, but also expectations of a first born male.

    My ex wife and I were/are best friends, but I never had a physical attraction to her. We did have a wonderful son and all of us are on good terms now.

    Would I do it again? In this era, definitely NOT! The pain it put her and our families through was tough, but we all made it. If I was a young gay male today I would have children by surrogate or adoption.

    As a side note, after my divorce my Str8 friends accused me of leading a "double life" and my response was.. 'No, it was Half a Life" ..That shut them up.

  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jun 12, 2011 2:38 PM GMT
    I was married for 12 years to my college sweetheart and have a daughter. I believe that things happen for a reason and I have no doubt I was married to bring my daughter into this world. She is amazing in so many ways and my life is very different because I am a father. I feel blessed and humbled.

    I think marriage taught me a lot about relationships too which makes me much better "husband" material. So no regrets. That being said, I was late to deal with my own sexuality and I wouldn't go into a relationship with a woman had I been more self-aware at the time. Different times for sure.
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    Jun 12, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    As suggested above, the early 70's was a hell of a time to be "queer" (gay back then meant happy or cheerfull), I couldn't accept it, so married thinking that would end the problem. All that did was make more problems because I couldn't change my own reality. I divorced after 16 years then finished raising my children on my own, in spite of all the heartache my two children are of priceless value to me so I wouldn't change it.

    I would not advice a gay young man in this time of acceptance for gays to marry, because there are several options for having children if you want to be a father that won't put you through what I went through while being married.

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    Jun 12, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    I was married for 2.5 years, and have a 7 year old son. My marraige was a sham clearly, and horrific by every measure. BUT! As a result I have my son who I love dearly and could not imagine life without. So how can I possibly say it was all a horrible mistake? A difficult question to be sure.
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    Jun 12, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    Scrutinize where your ideas about relationships come from. Marriage traditionally, and through-out the world has not been based on a "leave it to Beaver " world view. Guys beat themselves up cus they compare their lives to sitcom morality and other popular fictions of "normal behavior". Even fictions like the Bible aren't based on a monogamous world view. Gay men need not struggle to conform to imaginary standards of normalcy.
    Realize it's all fiction " the rules " all come from the imagination of someone . Why cant that someone be you?
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    Jun 12, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    I'm still married to a woman, and there is no one I'd rather spend my life with than her. Six years into the marriage, she fell in love with another guy, I came out, and we both pursued boyfriends for a few years. We both ended up in terrible relationships, and we fell back together. We just had our 24th anniversary. For all the excitement that can take place in the bedroom, most of a relationship takes place outside of it, and it's just not worth it for either one of us to ditch perfect compatibility outside the bedroom for a little excitement in it.

    What's interesting and rather annoying is how some people are bothered by our relationship and don't respect it... everything from str8 folks telling me it's not a real marriage to gay folks telling me I'm living a lie and a traitor to the gay community.
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    Jun 12, 2011 3:16 PM GMT
    paradox saidI'm still married to a woman, and there is no one I'd rather spend my life with than her. Six years into the marriage, she fell in love with another guy, I came out, and we both pursued boyfriends for a few years. We both ended up in terrible relationships, and we fell back together. We just had our 24th anniversary. For all the excitement that can take place in the bedroom, most of a relationship takes place outside of it, and it's just not worth it for either one of us to ditch perfect compatibility outside the bedroom for a little excitement in it.

    What's interesting and rather annoying is how some people are bothered by our relationship and don't respect it... everything from str8 folks telling me it's not a real marriage to gay folks telling me I'm living a lie and a traitor to the gay community.


    Well, as long as you're not lying to HER, then you are obviously not living a "lie". I do find it a strange arrangement, but to each his/her own.
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    Jun 12, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    samurai111 saidThis is a question to all gay/bi men who were married (or are still married).
    Was it worth it to get married to a woman?
    And to all men who have kids, does this fact affect your answer? In the sense that having kids was a good enough reason to say being married to a woman was worth it?


    I was married in 1978 @ age 21. although i was always attracted to men, it was not an option, in the religious circles. I have 4 kids, all college grads, 3 are married, and they are my most proud achievement to date. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think that guys who have kids, are far less selfish, and more grounded in life. Kids will test you, drive you crazy, but make you a better guy. All guys can become great Dads.

    My life was busy, and pushed feelings and emotions down, but 2 yrs ago, I came out to all. The divorce from a wife, and an excellent mother, whom i still love, was one of the toughest things, i could have ever gone through. I know that all things in life, are for a reason, and this has made me a better gay man. [i never used the word "Bi"]

    There are many great options for a young guy, like yourself, that were NOT available "in the old days". There is a great need, for good adoptive parents, and although it not a walk in the park. you will be a better man for it. Yes, you can be a single parent, but 2 make it far more enjoyable. Share you life with others.

    Just my opinion, no judgement of others.
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    Jun 12, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    SDGMAN said
    paradox saidI'm still married to a woman, and there is no one I'd rather spend my life with than her. Six years into the marriage, she fell in love with another guy, I came out, and we both pursued boyfriends for a few years. We both ended up in terrible relationships, and we fell back together. We just had our 24th anniversary. For all the excitement that can take place in the bedroom, most of a relationship takes place outside of it, and it's just not worth it for either one of us to ditch perfect compatibility outside the bedroom for a little excitement in it.

    What's interesting and rather annoying is how some people are bothered by our relationship and don't respect it... everything from str8 folks telling me it's not a real marriage to gay folks telling me I'm living a lie and a traitor to the gay community.


    Well, as long as you're not lying to HER, then you are obviously not living a "lie". I do find it a strange arrangement, but to each his/her own.


    She knew I was gay before we got married.
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Jun 12, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    I was married for 20 years way too long and i should have ended it sooner. I let others and society control what was the right thing in stead of me being control of my own destiny. Now divorced I am happy and finally peaceful about my self. My tagline reads "This is your life are you who you want to be" I finally took my own advice and became that person. Val