I Got Dumped...again. (Episode 2)

  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Jun 13, 2011 7:48 PM GMT
    UPDATE: July 21 / see last post

    Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that everything u guys said made a lot of sense. I even got back on the horse of dating. I've been pretty busy with work and othe projects, but I seem to be getting interests a lot lately. Unfortunately I get a lot of conversations started, but they usually dont finish. Mostly I meet people on Grindr to be honest. I already know what you're going to say about that lol.

    But I recently happened upon a 27 yr old decent looking guy, well mannered and down to earth personality. So I agreed to meet up with him. The date went very well.

    As a matter of fact, he picked up the tab. There were only a few things that threw up some obvious red flags. During our great conversation he happened to mention...

    "i want to be married and have a family with kids someday"

    "still look at females"

    "not looking for a relationship"

    "lied about my age, I'm not 27, I'm actually 35"

    other than those crazy few statements, the date went surprisingly well. We even arranged a 2nd date which also went surprisingly well. We flirted a lot, but he kept saying stuff like "how do i get u to come home with me" and "dont keep me waiting" that left me pretty unsettled. I laughed it off and kept my confidence....but damn, I was stunned to think he would assume it would be as easy as that....maybe it was his tone..i dunno...

    so we're planning a 3rd date...and he's still not gonne get any. I am having a good time on the dates though.



    -Below is the old topic-


    So, this past weekend, I drove to Dallas TX to meet a seemingly really nice guy that I could click with.

    We started off with texting each other, discussed what we were looking for, which was .............no games, option for something longterm, some cuddling, time to get to know each other. It all started out great.

    I showed up at his place, he was real excited to meet me. We talked, hung out, cuddled a little bit while watching tv, he expressed that he thought i was real sexy, I expressed the same to him. We went to bed made out, cuddled, slept. Woke up, went to the mall, bought some candy, hung out, went to a movie/dinner place which was real cool, he bought the tickets, i bought the dinner.

    came back to his place, hung out, expressed that we really liked each other. He said he wanted to spend more time with me. I said ok, and told him that I had some extra time off over the weekend and could come back to dallas, he said ok.

    So I came back and we pretty much did the same stuff again, I told him that if he had any plans that he should not change them in any way, because I was not there to change his lifestyle. So the whole weekend, we ended up just watching tv on the couch and making random trips to run errands with his friend. And that was ok with me. I had no problem with it.

    But while we were at his place watching tv, I just did the same thing before and cuddled up to him and watched tv with him. I even suggested us going drinking, or to a movie, or eat, or just to walmart. Eventually he walked off for a second, checked some laundry, and didn't come out of his room for a few minutes. He then text me to come in there because we needed to talk. So I did.

    He said that the cuddling was smothering him and he said it seemed like we were moving too fast and didn't know what he wanted. In my defense, I told him that I didn't know what else to do. Since I was there to visit Him, I cuddled up to him because we weren't doing anything else...so I told him it seemed like he already made his choice, gathered my things and told him to text me and left. And now I'm broke from the drive lol.

    WTF did I do wrong?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 13, 2011 8:17 PM GMT
    Maybe it's not what you did wrong...just that it was the wrong guy?

    Some guys are just not that affectionate...I know I'm not.
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Jun 13, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    He's the problem, not you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 13, 2011 8:29 PM GMT
    I'd have suggested getting to know him a little better before the cuddling began. Perhaps he's never had this kind of thing before and just didn't know how to react...

    You made the trip the first time. I would have encouraged him to drive and see you... that might have held the answer.
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    Jun 13, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    Concentrated visits to guys who live away from you can be really tricky. It's not like when you go out with someone who lives near you, where the first date may be just dinner then you both go home, your second date maybe a movie and a meal, the third date maybe some cuddling. Concentrated visits where you're doing everything together 24/7 can cause it to fizzle out. It doesn't develop naturally.
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    Jun 13, 2011 8:37 PM GMT
    damn that sucks im sorry

    you will find someone better trust me your cute,just brush it off
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    Jun 13, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    Breaking up with someone because they show affection. What a prick. Well hopefully what goes around come around. Sorry bud.
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    Stolenname saidBreaking up with someone because they show affection. What a prick. Well hopefully what goes around come around. Sorry bud.


    Many guys dont know what they want/need/desire, nor do they know how to express it. This guy may have told MercuryMax that he wanted a relationship, hence the need for affection, yet really just wanted sex. That would cause the confusion/disconnect.

    Also, guys are commit-a-phobic (well some are) and that could have scared him.

    I have been scared shitless with commitment lol. Either way, it just wasnt a match, thats all.
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:11 PM GMT
    i dont want to seem like a debbie downer..but thats the type of time wasting games guys play. Im just looking at a;ll that gas you used up driving to see him and back.
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI'd have suggested getting to know him a little better before the cuddling began. Perhaps he's never had this kind of thing before and just didn't know how to react...

    You made the trip the first time. I would have encouraged him to drive and see you... that might have held the answer.


    +1
  • rf_dal

    Posts: 380

    Jun 13, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    I hate to say it, but guys in Dallas are like that. Completely flakey and rude. Just be glad you don't live here, and that you found out early into it. See my story in another thread about a guy who ended our date early because my muscles weren't big enough. They don't call it the Dallitude for nothing.
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:14 PM GMT
    :/

    Sounds like a spineless asshole. On behalf of Texas, I apologize icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

  • Jun 13, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    The text saying that you needed to talk "came from inside the house?!" You are lucky you got out with your life.

  • rf_dal

    Posts: 380

    Jun 13, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    OriginalSkeleton saidThe text saying that you needed to talk "came from inside the house?!" You are lucky you got out with your life.



    LOL does sound like a horror movie, eh? /shiver
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    i'd say its timing and the speed of the way things went. both of you have to be in the right place at the right time with an acceptable rate of speed, its understandable how you guys must have gotten excited to find a compatible partner but unfortunately it's also about pace and timing too!
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidConcentrated visits to guys who live away from you can be really tricky. It's not like when you go out with someone who lives near you, where the first date may be just dinner then you both go home, your second date maybe a movie and a meal, the third date maybe some cuddling. Concentrated visits where you're doing everything together 24/7 can cause it to fizzle out. It doesn't develop naturally.


    This is so true. Seems to be the best explanantion
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    Jun 13, 2011 9:58 PM GMT

    It sounds like "Instant Boyfriends" to me: there you are, just met: cuddling, running errands, going to movies, texting back and forth - you're hanging with his friends, you're there day and night. In giving advice to you I'd say next time to really analyze the difference from yesterday before you came and today that you're there. In this case, yesterday he was alone, had his own space on the couch, had his own friends, ran errands alone unless he asked for company, didn't talk very much but today, you're there. You could have changed less things less drastically to not jar him, thought : he doesn't need to be alone, I'm there, but in a different seat. Unless he's really talkative, wait to be engaged in conversation and when talking look for cues and body language. He can run his own errands, you wait for him or tag along in your car. Wayyy too early to meet friends, suggest that be postponed. Cuddling is an advanced relationship behavior. Sure, it's great for right before sex or right after with a hopeful, but doing it a lot and for a casual show of affection is a no no. You don't need to bolster anything; it smothers the relationship while its still in the bud. Try, keeping it at a minimum for new relationships, especially those yet to blossom into less than a sleep over. If anything, next time think of yourself as a friend first. His friend visiting - cancels out cuddling right there.

    ..................................................................
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    Jun 13, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    rf_dal saidI hate to say it, but guys in Dallas are like that. Completely flakey and rude. Just be glad you don't live here, and that you found out early into it. See my story in another thread about a guy who ended our date early because my muscles weren't big enough. They don't call it the Dallitude for nothing.


    I hate to say it, but you are so right...
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    Jun 13, 2011 10:10 PM GMT
    You didn't do anything wrong. The problem is him.

    Boys, so typical and sickening.
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    Jun 13, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    It sounds like "Instant Boyfriends" to me: there you are, just met: cuddling, running errands, going to movies, texting back and forth - you're hanging with his friends, you're there day and night. In giving advice to you I'd say next time to really analyze the difference from yesterday before you came and today that you're there. In this case, yesterday he was alone, had his own space on the couch, had his own friends, ran errands alone unless he asked for company, didn't talk very much but today, you're there. You could have changed less things less drastically to not jar him, thought : he doesn't need to be alone, I'm there, but in a different seat. Unless he's really talkative, wait to be engaged in conversation and when talking look for cues and body language. He can run his own errands, you wait for him or tag along in your car. Wayyy too early to meet friends, suggest that be postponed. Cuddling is an advanced relationship behavior. Sure, it's great for right before sex or right after with a hopeful, but doing it a lot and for a casual show of affection is a no no. You don't need to bolster anything; it smothers the relationship while its still in the bud. Try, keeping it at a minimum for new relationships, especially those yet to blossom into less than a sleep over. If anything, next time think of yourself as a friend first. His friend visiting - cancels out cuddling right there.>


    GG provides a good explanation - however the other guy needed to let the OP know the minute he felt uncomfortable or smothered e.g letting him go by himself to run his errands.
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    Jun 13, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    you are sweet guy... U ll find a real man soon.... the quicker the losers leave the faster the right one will come.icon_razz.gif
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jun 13, 2011 10:41 PM GMT
    Not your fault.

    It was probably too sudden for him, especially since your visit was all about meeting and being with him. Had both of you lived close to one another with sporadic visitation, there would have been some adjustment to spending time with you. But without taking a break during the weekend visits, that experience might have felt like a marriage to someone who is not accustomed to it.

    But it's not your fault that he couldn't adjust. I'm not implying he was wrong, but the reality of the relationship and what it entails was probably too much and too soon for him.

    Welcome back to the board.
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    Jun 13, 2011 10:43 PM GMT
    Ugh guys are dicks. Its honestly not you. I've dealt with this behavior from guys before and I think it stems from them being unhinged or legit not knowing what they want. You can and will do better. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 13, 2011 10:45 PM GMT

    bazungu said

    GG provides a good explanation - however the other guy needed to let the OP know the minute he felt uncomfortable or smothered e.g letting him go by himself to run his errands.


    The op needs to be a little more empathetic. Coming on too strong can be misread as a sign of selfishness. Was this weekend meant to be fun for both or just a vehicle for the op to get his cuddle fix? He's not like that at all, but he will need to work on looking at his actions objectively before he projects them out, because I guarantee that's what this guy thought. I've been there. He felt like a Pillow Pet. No one is going to say, "you're smothering me," especially this, a casual encounter, no one wants to piss on it....if you're not there for that. icon_surprised.gif




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    Jun 13, 2011 10:50 PM GMT
    MercuryMax saidSo, this past weekend, I drove to Dallas TX to meet a seemingly really nice guy that I could click with.

    We started off with texting each other, discussed what we were looking for, which was .............no games, option for something longterm, some cuddling, time to get to know each other. It all started out great.

    I showed up at his place, he was real excited to meet me. We talked, hung out, cuddled a little bit while watching tv, he expressed that he thought i was real sexy, I expressed the same to him. We went to bed made out, cuddled, slept. Woke up, went to the mall, bought some candy, hung out, went to a movie/dinner place which was real cool, he bought the tickets, i bought the dinner.

    came back to his place, hung out, expressed that we really liked each other. He said he wanted to spend more time with me. I said ok, and told him that I had some extra time off over the weekend and could come back to dallas, he said ok.

    So I came back and we pretty much did the same stuff again, I told him that if he had any plans that he should not change them in any way, because I was not there to change his lifestyle. So the whole weekend, we ended up just watching tv on the couch and making random trips to run errands with his friend. And that was ok with me. I had no problem with it.

    But while we were at his place watching tv, I just did the same thing before and cuddled up to him and watched tv with him. I even suggested us going drinking, or to a movie, or eat, or just to walmart. Eventually he walked off for a second, checked some laundry, and didn't come out of his room for a few minutes. He then text me to come in there because we needed to talk. So I did.

    He said that the cuddling was smothering him and he said it seemed like we were moving too fast and didn't know what he wanted. In my defense, I told him that I didn't know what else to do. Since I was there to visit Him, I cuddled up to him because we weren't doing anything else...so I told him it seemed like he already made his choice, gathered my things and told him to text me and left. And now I'm broke from the drive lol.

    WTF did I do wrong?
    You didn't do anything wrong this was this dude's own fault because it seems to me that he was not interested in you to begin with (no offense) I have experience this before and when a guy tells you something like you are smothering him from cuddling that is a sign that he is not interested in a relationship. I want you to know that this is not your fault at all and to simply don't even worry about this guy because he was not man enough for you.