What do you do when ....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    Your only openly gay best-friend, who you are very compatible with but have ONLY been platonic friends with (not even holding hands watching movies,) has started to look really good in the "I want to marry that" way?

    There has been a lot of congruence in our lives like we both started making a lot more money recently; we both are in the process of moving to nicer places; we both had disastrous relationships last year that we still barely mention to anyone else but we know every detail about each other's disaster; and we both have been single ever since that point. He is also the only friend I have my age - everyone else is way older or way younger (still an undergrad.)

    On one hand I am really worried it is just displaced feelings that have been channeled in that direction since we are close. So posting this rather than just acting on it is me trying to evaluate if I actually have real feelings or whether it is something I would get bored with and regret next week, thereby losing my best friend.

    In the back of my mind it is lurking that (a) him getting in better shape had a lot to do with these new feelings and (b) it has been "a while" for both of us so just as that might be some of my motivation, it could be a lot more of his motivation and he will get bored with me in one week when he realizes he looks the way he does and I look the way I do.

    Just to be 100% clear (to guide your assistance in the matter) my only intention would be long term/monogamous with matching SUVs in the driveway, a white picket fence, and two Jack Russell Terriers in the backyard - this is not a "how to hit it and quit it" sort of situation.

    Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?
    If not -- what would you advise?
  • Timbales

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    Jun 14, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    It's a tough situation. Obviously if you are close friends, you have a lot in common and get along well. On the one hand, that can be a great foundation for a fantastic relationship. On the other, making a move could change your relationship for the worse.

    You could try just having a casual conversation with him and say, "You, the other day I was wondering 'what if we dated'? Is that weird?" and see how it goes.
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    Jun 14, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    Timbales saidIt's a tough situation. Obviously if you are close friends, you have a lot in common and get along well. On the one hand, that can be a great foundation for a fantastic relationship. On the other, making a move could change your relationship for the worse.

    You could try just having a casual conversation with him and say, "You, the other day I was wondering 'what if we dated'? Is that weird?" and see how it goes.


    Unfortunately that lets the cat out of the bag, but I think that is probably the only way this situation could be handled unless I just back off and put it out of my mind.

    Phrasing it the way you did, even if he was not interested, is it still flattering or harmless enough there would be some way to preserve the friendship? icon_redface.gif

    I miss junior high where I could just get a friend of a friend of a friend to pass him a note in French class.
  • Timbales

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    Jun 14, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    I think so. it's just a musing and not an OMG I LOVE YOU. If he says it's weird, you can just laugh it off with him.
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    Jun 14, 2011 9:51 PM GMT
    That happened to me once. I didn't act on it. I later found out that he had feelings for me as well. But when I found out, i didn't have any feelings for him anymore. Oh well. We kinda grew apart after that. But honestly I don't regret it, not even till this day. Yes I was lonely for a while, but that motivated me to find my own happiness, and I did.

    Do you guys cuddle together btw? This guy that I am talking about we used to cuddle all the time.
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    Jun 14, 2011 10:02 PM GMT
    cityaznguy saidThat happened to me once. I didn't act on it. I later found out that he had feelings for me as well. But when I found out, i didn't have any feelings for him anymore. Oh well. We kinda grew apart after that. But honestly I don't regret it, not even till this day. Yes I was lonely for a while, but that motivated me to find my own happiness, and I did.

    Do you guys cuddle together btw? This guy that I am talking about we used to cuddle all the time.


    We've never done anything beyond a quick hug before parting ways .... even after drinking a lot together. At the time he was unlike anyone gay I had ever met before since he was not trying to tear my clothes off. Still all this time later I haven't met anyone offline that was as respectable and I felt as comfortable around that I knew he was not going to do anything highly inappropriate.

    He was the first person ever to invite me in the "I am a guy and this is a guy and he is my +1" way to a cocktail party with his co-workers. He is always my +1 to cocktail parties with my people. I think we basically skipped all the way to being an old married couple that doesn't touch each other icon_lol.gif

    Can I ask you though - if you could go back would you have made the move not knowing for certain at the time he reciprocated the feelings? I know things turned out really well for you and there are a million fish in the sea and all that ... but rewind! And in my shoes - is it a bigger mistake to start the conversation or a bigger mistake not to take that leap and see what happens?
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    Jun 14, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster said

    Can I ask you though - if you could go back would you have made the move not knowing for certain at the time he reciprocated the feelings? I know things turned out really well for you and there are a million fish in the sea and all that ... but rewind! And in my shoes - is it a bigger mistake to start the conversation or a bigger mistake not to take that leap and see what happens?


    That's a tough question. Well I didn't take action because I was afraid of being hurt in case he rejected me. I was also afraid that I would lose him as a friend. Well, given that now he's not even on my facebook, in hindsight I guess if I can go back I would have at least said my peace.

    You just have to ask yourself if you are ready to lose him as a friend or not. If you do not act, it will KILL YOU when you see him dating another guy and being happy, and that feeling of resentment will harbor. That's the place that you dont wanna be in. In my case I moved on fast so it was easy for me to go on with my life. When I moved on, then I learned that he also had feelings for me. I dunno for you though. You'll need to ask yourself that. But you're cute so I'm sure guys would want to date you anyway icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 15, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    cityaznguy said
    spaghettimonster said

    Can I ask you though - if you could go back would you have made the move not knowing for certain at the time he reciprocated the feelings? I know things turned out really well for you and there are a million fish in the sea and all that ... but rewind! And in my shoes - is it a bigger mistake to start the conversation or a bigger mistake not to take that leap and see what happens?


    That's a tough question. Well I didn't take action because I was afraid of being hurt in case he rejected me. I was also afraid that I would lose him as a friend. Well, given that now he's not even on my facebook, in hindsight I guess if I can go back I would have at least said my peace.

    You just have to ask yourself if you are ready to lose him as a friend or not. If you do not act, it will KILL YOU when you see him dating another guy and being happy, and that feeling of resentment will harbor. That's the place that you dont wanna be in. In my case I moved on fast so it was easy for me to go on with my life. When I moved on, then I learned that he also had feelings for me. I dunno for you though. You'll need to ask yourself that. But you're cute so I'm sure guys would want to date you anyway icon_wink.gif


    icon_biggrin.gif
    Thank you for the compliment.
    To return one: you always know the right/nice/politely worded thing to say. You are like Yoda icon_eek.gif

    I started up an inane facebook chat with him which I intend to segue into "let's meet for lunch tomorrow" and I can just do it in person and see what happens. I am going on a road trip for a few days literally right after lunch so there is a low likelihood of death by embarrassment if he says "Ewwwww no way"
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    Jun 15, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    Well, don't go like, "in the course of our friendship, I have grown accustomed to your face and I have therefore fallen in love with you. I am saying I love you and I am willing to throw away everything we have ever had just for one night of passion and intimacy, just to feel really close to you".

    Don't do that.

    I do like the idea of telling him a story that two friends ended up as lovers and stuff like that, and see what his reactions are. Try to gauge his emotional reaction. If he says something like, "oh I can never become a lover with a friend". Oh well, there's your answer. Or, maybe he'll say, "oh I can never be lovers with someone who I am already friends with, except maybe someone like you, haha." you might think he's joking, but that means he has actually thought about it, and is therefore in his consciousness already, but he's denying it. Don't push it. Let it happen naturally following it's own course. Come back and we'll talk more. Then we'll come up with a strategy of attack hehe.

    Thx for the compliment. I guess having a two psych masters degree helps icon_biggrin.gif and soon, PhD *fingers crossed*. I'll send you the bill. icon_razz.gif

    Btw how dare you compare me with Yoda. Yoda's short!! I at least have a nicer body than yoda!! icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 15, 2011 3:43 AM GMT
    Fail.

    He was either smart enough to figure out what I was doing but he was not interested and had to cut it off before it got awkward OR he actually is seeing someone and just hasn't wanted to take a single photo together, do a single facebook check-in together, change facebook status off of single, or have any indicia in his online life that he has been on a single date with anyone since last September.
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    Jun 15, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    icon_sad.gif Damn. I guess you can use this.

    Ash_and_Pikachu_Hugging_by_Gaby53190.jpg


    Feel better. There are other guys out there.
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    Jun 19, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    cityaznguy saidicon_sad.gif Damn. I guess you can use this.

    Ash_and_Pikachu_Hugging_by_Gaby53190.jpg


    Feel better. There are other guys out there.


    icon_redface.gif but very true icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2011 1:41 AM GMT
    spaghettimonster said Your only openly gay best-friend, who you are very compatible with but have ONLY been platonic friends with (not even holding hands watching movies,) has started to look really good in the "I want to marry that" way?
    Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?

    We became lovers and ceased to be friends. Then we realized we weren't really attracted enough to each other to be lovers. When that sank in, it caused such mutual hurt feelings we couldn't be friends again. We actually didn't speak for years.
    I'd advise against it. BFs come and go but friends you should hang on to.