"Are u a Top or Bottom?" Rude to ask on the first date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2011 7:21 AM GMT
    Is it rude to ask "Are u a Top or Bottom?"

    on the first date or before having sex?

    I'd love to ask this Q on the first date I just hope it won't be a deal breaker





    ps. I'm 20 and still a virgin......it sucks
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    Jun 15, 2011 7:24 AM GMT
    Some people don't think so.
    I think it is. For me it doesn't matter anyway since I'm vers... but let's be quite honest...

    If you don't like the guy at all, does his "position" even matter?

    Maybe I'm just deeper than the sex aspect.
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    Jun 15, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    honestly, it seems somewhat immature if you're going on a date to get to know someone to ask that upfront. that's more like a hookup type question, where you're just running down the menu and making a transaction. if you don't have any experience, how do you really know what you like anyway?

    i met a guy for coffee a few months ago who was local guy. maybe 22. too young for me in general. he asked this while we were walking around target. he then told me he was a bottom. i'm vers. i asked him how he knew what he liked if he was a virgin. he said "i just want a man who knows how to top me, who can do it right". we had a nice dialog but never met again.

    here's what went through my head:

    so you don't know what you like, but you want someone to figure it out for you and you're putting the task of satisfying you completely on the other guy.

    it reminded me of girls who think that having a pussy is and letting a man have access to it is all they have to do and it's a blank check for life. if he were older, i would have found it laughable, but he was young enough that it seemed innocently uninformed.

    tangent: he wasn't so hot that i would have entertained the idea of putting up with his immaturity. maybe if he were, i would have considered it. hotness can make up for some things for short periods.

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    Jun 15, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    You can talk about sex without blatently asking "Do you top or bottom?"

    But yes, it is important for a relationship, two total tops and two total bottoms wont work out in the long run, at least once the honeymoon is over.

    But, seriously people, have we all forgotten the power of seduction?
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    Jun 15, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    If there's physical attraction, it's not inappropriate to try to determine whether you're sexually compatible before becoming emotionally invested. There are ways of finding out without posing the question blatantly.
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    Jun 15, 2011 6:34 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIf there's physical attraction, it's not inappropriate to try to determine whether you're sexually compatible before becoming emotionally invested. There are ways of finding out without posing the question blatantly.


    Agreed. Saying "Man, I love to pin a dude down and pound his ass til it hurts" is much classier than saying "Do you top or bottom?"

    Just saying :-)
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    Jun 15, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    LMFAO I do it all the time. But I also expect sex on the first date though so you have to ask.
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    Jun 15, 2011 10:00 PM GMT
    I have never asked that question of anyone. It usually just works out after going to bed. You don't want to sound like a "hoe" do you?
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    Jun 17, 2011 1:38 AM GMT
    ... don't get so caught up in labeling yourself. "top" & "bottom" are such a limiting terms that can hardly define an individual's personality or interests or hobbies or ways of thinking or political interests or global perspectives... we only limit ourselves by trying to pour our individuality into some mold that has been predefined by the hypnosis of social conditioning. just be yourself and be honest with your partner about what pleases you in particular. don't let society force you into some "role" that is only a fraction of who you are as a complete person.
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    Jun 17, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    I think it's not rude at all. People just want to cut to the chase to avoid wasting each other's time with someone they aren't compatible with.

    I remember when I was asked at a tender young age, I was uncomfortable answering, but that was only because I wasn't comfortable with myself yet. Now I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me if I liked getting pissed on.

    p.s. Virgin at 20 is nothing. Try virgin at 29. All abstinence and no fuck makes a bitch's mind get dark.
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    Jun 17, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    It's not rude. Not at all.

    It's tacky though. Tacky as hell.
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    Jun 17, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    If you're making it clear you're mainly in it for sex then no I don't think it's rude.

    But if it's a romantic date then why would it matter?
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    Jun 17, 2011 9:08 AM GMT
    being a bottom that has absolutely no interest in gettting emotionally involved with another bottom, I have to disagree with the comments above.

    If its a deal breaker in your relationship, I see no issue with it being brought up early as long as it is respectfully and not raunchy.

    If you date guys who are independent, wouldn't you ask do you have a car, a house, an apartment, a job?

    So how is it any different.

    I date tops/topverses, so its something I need to know, rather than spend a month with someone and then when it gets to that point we're both staring at each other stupid.

    For the verses, I can understand why it doesn't matter. For someone who is as predominantly bottom as I am, however, Its something I need to know. Because it doesn't matter how amazing his personality is, I'm not dating a bottom.
  • denus

    Posts: 46

    Jun 17, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    As someone who hasn't dated another guy yet, I've asked a friend about this, but couldn't really come to a conclusion. For me, especially, it seems like it would be a pertinent question, because I plan to abstain from anal sex. While I think it would be crass to go into sex on a first date (and I wouldn't go for sex after a first date), it would also seem a bit misleading to not inform any potential partners. I mean, with anal sex seemingly the default, I'd imagine potential partners would be rather upset to find out I wouldn't do it after having spent a good amount of time dating.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Jun 17, 2011 1:17 PM GMT
    you just never know the truth until it's time for the main event to happen.

    more than one macho guy who claimed to be a top had his legs up in the air before i could do so.


    icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 17, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    it's probably pretty unsophisticated to ask directly, since you can normally glean it from dialog. and some degree of dialog is what dates are about. if you're hooking (up), it's just a transaction....so by all means, cut to the chase. ask before you meet if you are just hooking (up)

    rnch is beyond right. in theory i'm versatile, in practice, i tend to end up topping because most guys concept of versatile involves swapping between getting fucked face down or face up.
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    Jun 18, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    @BambinoRex LOL... I love your comment. It's so true.
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    Jun 18, 2011 3:37 AM GMT
    BananaSucker saidIs it rude to ask "Are u a Top or Bottom?"

    on the first date or before having sex?

    I'd love to ask this Q on the first date I just hope it won't be a deal breaker





    ps. I'm 20 and still a virgin......it sucks


    Hey! im 3 yrs younger and I still havent had sex icon_sad.gif its hard though.

    just know that you're not the only "true" virgin.
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    Jun 18, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    This assumes that all gay men have anal sex, which is false icon_razz.gif

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    Jun 18, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    Depending on where you meet (hookup site, pof, etc) you could EASILY craft your profile text to include things like "I'm a very masculine take charge type of guy" or "I tend to be more passive around other guys and looking for a masculine aggressive type guy" or SOMETHING along those lines. You really don't need to spell things out unless you're targeting those who are looking for sex NOW, in which case that's prob the most common first question.
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    Jun 25, 2011 7:59 PM GMT
    Unsophisticated.... Really?

    Here's a true story. No gay factor here, because its a story about my mom. My met this guy recently who she liked a lot. My mom is a prude, as in her vagina will seal shut if she hasn't been seeing a guy for at least a month or two and if she doesn't completely trust him.

    So this guy seems amazing. She would call me on skype and tell me about how much they had in common and how much she liked him and how he may be the one.

    She calls me one day a bit upset. I asked what was wrong and she said she broke up with her boyfriend. I asked her why. She said they finally decided to have sex. They were having a lot of fun when he asked her to role around onto her stomach. She said ok and then he tried to stick her in the butt.

    My mom jumped up and asked him what he was doing. he explained that he was really into anal and he liked her a lot and just wanted to see what it would feel like with her. My mom said she wasn't into that - even asked him if he was gay or bi. He said no. That he had just always loved having anal sex with women and that if she wasn't willing to have anal sex with him, it probably wasn't going to work out and he needed to just end it now.

    My mom stuck to her guns and said no. She was not into anal and she wasn't going to have it and if he had a problem with that then he needed to leave. He put his underwear back on, said it was a shame she wouldn't try it because he really liked her, got dressed and left and she was really hurt by it.

    Long story short, a conversation that should have come up a long time, but it happens to WOMEN so often because they are taught by society to be "SOPHISTICATED" and to not bring stuff like that up.

    We are MEN. know what you're getting yourself into before you fall for it.

    And I'm done.
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    Jun 26, 2011 11:34 AM GMT
    To me, I wouldn't want to hear that question on the first date but I don't think it's rude to ask you know? I mean, sometimes being honest about that from the get go is more beneficial then waiting. Like someone else said, Two total tops or two total bottoms don't work out so to avoid those kinds of situations, it seems a bit appropriate to ask. But in my opinion, I'd wait till the second date to ask a question like that since the first date is generally trying to get to know the person.
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    Jun 26, 2011 11:37 PM GMT
    Kaicoyote said Like someone else said, Two total tops or two total bottoms don't work out so to avoid those kinds of situations, it seems a bit appropriate to ask.


    See, I don't believe stuff like this. And this I believe why it can be so hard to find compatible people. I mean to dismiss someone soley because they are top or bottom is silly.

    That's why I like versatile men. Usually they end up wanting more than the other but I've met some guys who are truly versatile. I remember swapping fucks with one guy like 2 or 3 times.

    I find bottoms can be even more picky. I've had guys tell me, "I don't get fucked by bottoms" and I only said I was versatile! On the other hand, tops are more than willing and ready to fuck another top!

    I do wish more guys were like me though. I can literally be 100% top OR 100% bottom in a relationship...I like both just as much as the other. as long as he's sucking my dick. If he's not sucking my dick then he might be bi and THAT is an issue. You're not going to be pussy swapping on me....

    Halfstep said
    She calls me one day a bit upset. I asked what was wrong and she said she broke up with her boyfriend. I asked her why. She said they finally decided to have sex. They were having a lot of fun when he asked her to role around onto her stomach. She said ok and then he tried to stick her in the butt.

    Long story short, a conversation that should have come up a long time, but it happens to WOMEN so often because they are taught by society to be "SOPHISTICATED" and to not bring stuff like that up.

    We are MEN. know what you're getting yourself into before you fall for it.

    And I'm done.


    That guy is a perv...that's kind of isolated incident. For him to leave when he has a vagina right in front of him is just gay.

    I never understood the concept. I mean it sucks that us gay guys have to deal with shitty bums from guys who don't clean theirs well enough, for a straight guy to actually WANT to fuck an ass is just beyond my comprehension.


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    Jun 27, 2011 12:18 AM GMT
    rnch saidyou just never know the truth until it's time for the main event to happen......... more than one macho guy who claimed to be a top had his legs up in the air before i could do so.icon_lol.gif

    OMG So True!!!Smiley
    29xg5dz.jpg
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    Jun 27, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    Philip_ said
    OMG So True!!!Smiley
    29xg5dz.jpg


    Oh there's 1 Black person, I see him..right there icon_lol.gif

    (yes it's really like that in rural Colorado aka South Park)