Mixed signals... Need serious feedback.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2008 9:04 PM GMT
    Hey there...

    I'm new to this board and I joined it for a specific reason. To ask this one simple question that I hope I can find help in...

    What the hell is going on?

    Let me explain...

    I'm 26. I came out when I was 17. Never had a problem with being gay. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm very humble when it comes to my looks so I'm far from vein.
    I lost both my parents when I was younger so commitment has always been very hard for me. I barely date and the longest relationship I have ever been in was about a month.

    Recently I met this guy. I let my walls down for him and him my number. He seemed very excited and we planned a date the next weekend, (He does movie stuff so he was out of town for the week.)

    So we went on the date. I was very nervous. But after a few minutes, I felt like I had known this guy forever. I was truly head over heals for him by the end of the night. We kissed off and on for an hour at my place and we really seemed to enjoy each others company. Hell, the guy even gave me a massage! That never happens. He was really gentle and caring and I totally was melting in his arms. We did not have sex.

    Anyway, they night ended short because he was getting tired. He left kind of strangly. Tired maybe? He didn't say anything about calling me back, but we both knew we were going to go out again on the NEXT weekend. But he had Sunday off, so he could have had spent it with me then too? He didn't mention it.

    That was Saturday. It's now Tuesday and hes doing his movie out of town right now.

    Heres the thing though... Why am I the one having to text him to keep the line of communication going? He hasn't given an effort to write me at all. And he seems to have time to go on his myspace profile (This is why I hate myspace).

    I am really into this guy. I like him alot. But my worries of disbandment has left we wondering if he's really that interested in me. If you are into someone, wouldn't you make strives to contact them often? Get to know them more? I'm confused. He just seemed to really like me on that date. And anytime I text him he replys back with good words.

    Man, I'm so lost right now. Hurting alittle too. Please help. Hope I don't sound too pathetic


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    Apr 15, 2008 9:17 PM GMT
    Campinthemall saidHey there...

    I'm new to this board and I joined it for a specific reason. To ask this one simple question that I hope I can find help in...

    What the hell is going on?

    Let me explain...

    I'm 26. I came out when I was 17. Never had a problem with being gay. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm very humble when it comes to my looks so I'm far from vein.
    I lost both my parents when I was younger so commitment has always been very hard for me. I barely date and the longest relationship I have ever been in was about a month.

    Recently I met this guy. I let my walls down for him and him my number. He seemed very excited and we planned a date the next weekend, (He does movie stuff so he was out of town for the week.)

    So we went on the date. I was very nervous. But after a few minutes, I felt like I had known this guy forever. I was truly head over heals for him by the end of the night. We kissed off and on for an hour at my place and we really seemed to enjoy each others company. Hell, the guy even gave me a massage! That never happens. He was really gentle and caring and I totally was melting in his arms. We did not have sex.

    Anyway, they night ended short because he was getting tired. He left kind of strangly. Tired maybe? He didn't say anything about calling me back, but we both knew we were going to go out again on the NEXT weekend. But he had Sunday off, so he could have had spent it with me then too? He didn't mention it.

    That was Saturday. It's now Tuesday and hes doing his movie out of town right now.

    Heres the thing though... Why am I the one having to text him to keep the line of communication going? He hasn't given an effort to write me at all. And he seems to have time to go on his myspace profile (This is why I hate myspace).

    I am really into this guy. I like him alot. But my worries of disbandment has left we wondering if he's really that interested in me. If you are into someone, wouldn't you make strives to contact them often? Get to know them more? I'm confused. He just seemed to really like me on that date. And anytime I text him he replys back with good words.

    Man, I'm so lost right now. Hurting alittle too. Please help. Hope I don't sound too pathetic




    I am going through the same situation. The guy I was interested in said and did everything to encourage my interest, plus he had qualities that I truly admired and thought special.

    Always suggested that we do this or that, but never came through....Never took it upon himself to be the one to call, or suggest a date.

    The guy is a HOT bartender and everyone loves him. I dug him more because of the things we had in common, and his sense of "spirituality" and kindness to to others.

    I wasn't even pressing for sex...just wanted to get to know him and maybe something else would develop.

    I never stalked or bothered this guy and he continued to say he was into me "big time".

    Finally, I decided enough. I had to try so hard to get to know him, and was so frustrated at this early stage. This was a red flag. Even though he had good traits, they were outweighed by the negative.

    My theory is that he is an excellent bartender with a great smile and a winning personality when he is working. Dig deeper and it's a different story. I also think that there are guys who get off on attracting other good looking guys just to pump up their own egos

    I deserve better.....a better match.

    Now that I am no longer interested, he is pissed saying that I am snotty.

    As I said, I deserve better.
  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Apr 15, 2008 9:18 PM GMT
    I had a similar situation. A guy I met online for sex-only opened up and we became friends and jived on many levels. I dug him, I thought him the same. We were gonna do a music exchange, as we were both into it.


    Same thing. It was me emailing. He'd respond, but never initiate anything.

    I eventually sent him some music. This was my test. If he didn't either 1) send anything back or... 2) even email me to say "thanks" i was cutting him out.

    He got cut. No hate, but I don't have time to drag someone along with me. Plus, consideration is big with me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    Campinthemall saidHey there...

    I'm new to this board and I joined it for a specific reason. To ask this one simple question that I hope I can find help in...

    What the hell is going on?

    Let me explain...

    I'm 26. I came out when I was 17. Never had a problem with being gay. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm very humble when it comes to my looks so I'm far from vein.
    I lost both my parents when I was younger so commitment has always been very hard for me. I barely date and the longest relationship I have ever been in was about a month.

    Recently I met this guy. I let my walls down for him and him my number. He seemed very excited and we planned a date the next weekend, (He does movie stuff so he was out of town for the week.)

    So we went on the date. I was very nervous. But after a few minutes, I felt like I had known this guy forever. I was truly head over heals for him by the end of the night. We kissed off and on for an hour at my place and we really seemed to enjoy each others company. Hell, the guy even gave me a massage! That never happens. He was really gentle and caring and I totally was melting in his arms. We did not have sex.

    Anyway, they night ended short because he was getting tired. He left kind of strangly. Tired maybe? He didn't say anything about calling me back, but we both knew we were going to go out again on the NEXT weekend. But he had Sunday off, so he could have had spent it with me then too? He didn't mention it.

    That was Saturday. It's now Tuesday and hes doing his movie out of town right now.

    Heres the thing though... Why am I the one having to text him to keep the line of communication going? He hasn't given an effort to write me at all. And he seems to have time to go on his myspace profile (This is why I hate myspace).

    I am really into this guy. I like him alot. But my worries of disbandment has left we wondering if he's really that interested in me. If you are into someone, wouldn't you make strives to contact them often? Get to know them more? I'm confused. He just seemed to really like me on that date. And anytime I text him he replys back with good words.

    Man, I'm so lost right now. Hurting alittle too. Please help. Hope I don't sound too pathetic




    My advice to you is to cry your eyes out and get him out of your system. If he was so good for yyou, you would not have this problem at this point.

    Pull away from him. He may gravitate towards you....But of course, at this point, you will already know that you don't want him and have moved on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2008 9:29 PM GMT
    But heres the thing, I've only really known the guy for about a week. And I know he's busy with work and all.

    The thing thats going through my mind is "Why the hell aren't you even saying HI or HOWS YOUR DAY GOING?" Simple things. Its driving me nuts.

    Should I talk to him about it or just let it be? Wait and see what happens? His movie thing ends in a few weeks, but I can be very impatient, expecially when it comes to stuff like this. I need to know. NOW. Like is it worth the obsessive thinking?

    Bleh.

    Yeah, I'm totally obsessed with this guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2008 9:34 PM GMT
    Campinthemall saidBut heres the thing, I've only really known the guy for about a week. And I know he's busy with work and all.

    The thing thats going through my mind is "Why the hell aren't you even saying HI or HOWS YOUR DAY GOING?" Simple things. Its driving me nuts.

    Should I talk to him about it or just let it be? Wait and see what happens? His movie thing ends in a few weeks, but I can be very impatient, expecially when it comes to stuff like this. I need to know. NOW. Like is it worth the obsessive thinking?

    Bleh.

    Yeah, I'm totally obsessed with this guy.


    So was I......The clincher came when I asked him if we can kick back and have a drink, because I had some questions.....His reply was....."don't be so serious"...."there isn't anything to talk about" and that I worry too much...

    But try to talk to him. If he poo poos you, then the hell with him.
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    Apr 15, 2008 9:48 PM GMT
    if you guys have plans to meet up again this weekend, i think you need to sit back. looks to me like you're hoping for a relationship out of this. but he might be under the idea that he "just met you, and enjoys ur company so why not see you again?"

    so chill out about it. don't cut him off just yet. but you should just relax, take a couple days off without correspondence. get in touch with him closer to the weekend, see if he's still cool with the same plans or whatnot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2008 9:56 PM GMT
    Gentlemen...from the sounds of it, the signals aren't mixed...they just ain't there. Obsession, like the CK fragrance, reeks of desperation and gets old fast...and could send the guy running fast enough to make your head spin. This early on, play it slow and cool, and see what progresses naturally.

    If he's into you, he'll reciprocate your attentions. If he doesn't, and you have to prompt him just to get him to respond, he's probably not worth your time anyway. It sucks, but firm your shoulders, chalk it up to experience, and go on with your life.

    Oh yeah...and welcome to RealJock, Campinthemall.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 15, 2008 10:04 PM GMT
    Hey there Camp,
    A couple of thoughts and you didn't mention his age, so I'm presuming he is in your age bracket.

    Remember he does have a career and maybe a demanding schedule and/or he may not feel the need and desire to be involved in a close, committed relationship. I would suggest it isn't about "you" so much as it is about him. What is his history? Has he talked about what (relationships) he may be comfortable?

    I agree with some of what has been said above, but I would give him some space and don't make it about his feelings about you. Each person is different. My suggestion would be to spend some time with him and really develop a sense of communication with him and draw him out into a conversation about this. You may learn something about him that you don't know right now. Above all be flexible and understanding. Best of luck with it.
  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 15, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    Hey man,

    Tough situation I think we've all probably been in at one time or another. It seems like you had a really great date and you're still so buzzed from it you want that feeling again NOW and constantly. It's an awesome feeling and one that makes us humans beautiful.... this love of love is something you should try to never let go of.

    However, I think there are plenty of reasons to try and take control of those feelings right now, not the least of which is to not scare this guy off! To be honest, if it was only tuesday and a guy I just met this weekend was already needing this much attention I would DEFINITELY be turned off (and that's even after being on the other side of this more than once).

    Have you been in this situation before? Obsessed about a dude after one date? Even if it's your first time, it probably isn't his. He knows that the magic comes eventually (if it does) and that the whole inseparable, constant messaging status of a relationship may come later (if it does) or maybe he's a little farther along in his relationship career to know that that kind of thing is not necessary to get close to someone. To me texting/constant messaging is kinda superficial and clingy anyway.

    A good tip I read from a great book is to be informed by your emotions, but not controlled by them. Go forward with this guy because your emotions are telling you he might be a good match, but don't overwhelm him because of your emotional NEED. There's a middle ground, and it seems like he's found it (balancing his life/career with starting new relationships), so you need to join him.

    I also think you might have hit the nail on the head in mentioning the issue of losing your parents. I know that I wasn't able to trust someone, was always getting "mixed signals" and became obsessed with guys until I had the stable relationship with my parents that I do now and my parents are alive! I can't imagine or pretend to know the relationship issues your loss has and will continue to bring up for you.

    So the best next step for you is to chill out, go on with your daily life (if you don't have something to occupy your day find something QUICK!) and have your date this weekend be like an added bonus to the joy you should try to get from the life you have without him.

    Best,
    Sean

    PS: Recommended reading for EVERYONE on this site is "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs.
  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 15, 2008 11:05 PM GMT
    Also no offense to anyone trying to help but any of the "If he's treating you this way he ain't the one for you!" kind of advice is not helpful to you and it's especially not fair to him. The fact that he's taking this relationship at a healthy emotional pace is a GOOD sign... you should follow suit. You get much more satisfation from delayed gratification. The "All now or nothing" approach makes the "nothing" choice an easy one for the other party, and a disappointment for everybody.

    And my advice is far from professional, I'm only speaking as someone who has been on both sides of this situation many times.
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    Apr 15, 2008 11:23 PM GMT
    Sean, I think you're misinterpreting the other posters...I don't think anyone's telling him to slam the door on the possibility of there being something there...just to take it slow, easy, and not to push himself at the guy. Ultimately, he'll discover what the other guy's intentions are...and if the other guy never takes any initiative, well, that means it IS time to see what else is out there. Any healthy relationship involves some degree of compromise and 'meet in the middle' mentality from both parties, remember. I think we're all pretty much saying the same thing - for Camp to slow down and see if Mr. Dream Date meets him in the middle. icon_wink.gif
  • kaccioto

    Posts: 284

    Apr 15, 2008 11:33 PM GMT
    hey man sorry for not calling, things came up. i had a great time and all, but your dick smells.

    jk, all seriousness treat guys you meet INITIALLY like your portfolio. don't be too heavily vested into one guy at first. have other options to hedge yourself, as bad as that sounds.

    then when you know you've got a winning stock, invest a little more of yourself as time goes on, and hopefully you'll get a lot of dividends in return. but never pull the entire curtain down on the first date, ya dig? just give him a little so he's got something more to come back to.
  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 15, 2008 11:36 PM GMT
    Yeah I think generally you're right, I just meant to point out a couple of specific posts that seem to say that some kind of bitter ultimatum they've used in the past is already appropriate in this situation. It just seems like this guy is in a place I've definitely been where that kind of judgmental, gut reaction seems really attractive.

  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 15, 2008 11:41 PM GMT
    Yeah Kaccioto is right. Some people see this as playing some kinda game, I see it as strategic life management. And it seems like this other dude is pretty good at it, not so much that he's going for several guys, but that he's got his career going on and all, and still has time to respond to hellos and hang out on the weekend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2008 11:46 PM GMT
    HE'S MARRIED!

    His time out of time with the "movies" is time with his wife!!!!!!
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    Apr 15, 2008 11:49 PM GMT
    Well, Caslon, that would be strategic life management.
  • momewrath

    Posts: 90

    Apr 15, 2008 11:49 PM GMT
    Campinthemall:

    I know how you feel... I've been through almost nothing but this, unfortunately.

    The first week is rough... especially when you get involved with somebody that was a communications major, yet doesn't know the first thing about communications (like, you know, if you're working late and you had made plans -- communicate that fact, don't just wait until after work!). Especially hard when there's actually communication for a few days, but then starts becoming distant and informs you that it just can't be RIGHT ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

    And, so, that's my year so far... finding a good, decent guy is enough to drive one quite crazy.

    It's really hard to say what to do. Everybody's different. And being the only one trying to make a relationship work never works, either...

    Just maybe back off for a day or so -- if you message him or something, make it only once in a day, don't make it look like you're obsessed. If he never responds, just take it as a hint.

    First dates always suck since people are on the high of the thrill. If there's no answer after backing off some, it's probably going to be time to move on, unfortunately.

    Guys that are 22-25ish often seem to be the worst for doing stuff like this in my experience -- it's at that point where they're beyond drinking age, so they think they are able to handle a long-term relationship, but when it comes down to it, many just don't want to be strapped down to one man yet.

    Sometimes, I wonder if some use the LTR-minded label as a way to get a lot of action without the guilt of being whorish...
  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 15, 2008 11:56 PM GMT
    Lol, glad I could provide a catch phrase guys ;-) Was that a little to "the Secret"/Tony Robbins?
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    Apr 16, 2008 12:03 AM GMT
    I am sorry this happened to you. But here are a few thing you can do.
    Option one: Keep texting him and checking if he gets on myspace or not.
    With this option you are desprate and needy, and will never see the person you should be with.

    Option Two: Stop texting him, stop checking him out on myspace. Start looking around for someone who has been checking you out, watching you and would never leave you hanging.

    If this "kid" I call him a kid because he does not have the balls to tell you what is up, so like a chicken he avoids you.

    No real man would do this...

    Now that you picked option two...

    MOVE ON...MOVE PAST IT...UNDERSTAND THAT FOR EACH JACKASS LIKE HIM THERE ARE SEVERAL HUNDRED MEN THAT WOULD KILL TO BE WITH YOU...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2008 12:05 AM GMT
    What was the book title anyway, Sean? Sounds like you gained some good insight from it...maybe it would benefit some guys around here, too.

    And "strategic life management" IS my phrase-to-use-to-death of the day, by the way. icon_razz.gif
  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 16, 2008 12:13 AM GMT
    It's called "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. It kinda divides the gay man's life in three stages: overwhelmed by shame, then over-compensating for shame, and then you reach "authentic validation". It sounds kinda kooky but it really gets to the heart of these issues gay men can't really avoid. I'm usually pretty anti-self-help books but this one is definitely worth a read.

  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Apr 16, 2008 2:44 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]pcsean28 said[/cite]Hey man,


    However, I think there are plenty of reasons to try and take control of those feelings right now, not the least of which is to not scare this guy off! To be honest, if it was only tuesday and a guy I just met this weekend was already needing this much attention I would DEFINITELY be turned off (and that's even after being on the other side of this more than once).


    quote]

    oh no...I got a # from someone on Saturday I called him today and left a message.


    Too soon? I try not to play games but.....

    icon_biggrin.gif