Sex first, talk later. What the hell is with this prevailing ideology in young gay men?

  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Jun 16, 2011 4:51 AM GMT
    I was, dead serious, asked by this guy who was utterly bewildered by my policy of dating people first, sex later. Asking a question along the lines of: how will you know he is boyfriend material without having sex first?

    I responded, you date first to see if you are compatible, then you might have sex later if feelings are mutual and a degree of trust has been developed.

    He looked at me like a deer in headlights. As if this was somehow a crazy quantum phenomenon. Am I really that odd? icon_neutral.gif
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    Jun 16, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    I just had this conversation with a friend of mine as well. I absolutely agree. I can't believe how many young guys not only want sex immediately after meeting you, but I am even more shocked at how many are willing to openly engage in anal sex and do it bareback!
  • Ryvick1212

    Posts: 29

    Jun 16, 2011 4:46 PM GMT
    Being a young gay man, I will say that not all of us are like that, and some are looking to date first icon_wink.gif

    However I was rather disgusted when I recently was talking to a friend of mine who just came out. He's a good looking guy, but he told me gay guys had started messaging him and the first things they were asking him was if he was a top or a bottom, what his fetishes are, if he wanted to hook up. When he told me people out of the blue were asking him these things, I was baffled. It doesn't reflect well at all on the future of the gay community.

    Jetsbackerbut I am even more shocked at how many are willing to openly engage in anal sex and do it bareback!


    I really feel that that is because, at least in my life, sex education has basically disappeared. Topics like safe sex, condoms, STI and HIV have become completely taboo. They preach abstinence for one day and never touch sex again. My generation has learned about sex through the internet and porn. Which may be another reason sex has become something approached without caution
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    Jun 16, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    I chose the sex first talk later philosophy because, well lets face it, it gets me more sex.

    I mean there are different levels of sex out there people lol.

    Just because you have sex first doesnt disqualify someone as a BF for you, its all a matter of meeting as many people as possible.
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    Jun 16, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    When I moved to Belgium, I was kind of shocked at how a "date" is kind of expected to close with sex. I grew up in Texas so it was a shock to me.

    I think it's more the exception to have a guy expect to wait, but good on you toeing that line. It gives a bit of variety to it.

    Now I don't accept dates, I accept to hang out with people. They expect less.
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    Jun 16, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    I always thought it was like this: Sex talk, sex, talk, exchange names and numbers, wait the "3 day gay rule," text and meet for coffee...and another romp.
  • denus

    Posts: 46

    Jun 16, 2011 11:38 PM GMT
    Reading this is disturbing for me. I haven't yet come out of the closet, and I don't plan to date until I move from where I live. I suppose some of this place's conservative values are rubbing off on me: it seems highly crass to just be looking for sex, especially from someone you just met.

    (Even worse is reading about the "top/bottom?" question, because what happens when you tell the guy "none of the above"? -_- )
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    Jun 17, 2011 1:26 AM GMT
    shortguybeau saidNow I don't accept dates, I accept to hang out with people. They expect less.


    Damn straight.
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    Jun 17, 2011 2:58 AM GMT
    Jetsbacker saidI just had this conversation with a friend of mine as well. I absolutely agree. I can't believe how many young guys not only want sex immediately after meeting you, but I am even more shocked at how many are willing to openly engage in anal sex and do it bareback!


    Yeah, so true. It's the primary reason I prefer dating guys older than me. They are the only part of gay community I "fit in" with (to be honest). Not only these youngsters act like whores, they are also dumber than a box of rocks. I swear, people are just getting dumber and dumber each generation. Everyone I know agrees with that statement. Well, thank God I was born at the right time. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 17, 2011 4:05 AM GMT
    I was shocked to hear how many partners some of my gay friends have had. These are guys, seemingly normal (and DDF, may I add), like 23 years old, having had 70-80 partners. Here I am being able to count mine on one hand with plenty of room to spare and feeling like, LOL WUT. Am I broken, or just a prude? Or maybe gay dudes are looser than Goatse's anus.
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    Jun 17, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    Studinprogress saidI was, dead serious, asked by this guy who was utterly bewildered by my policy of dating people first, sex later. Asking a question along the lines of: how will you know he is boyfriend material without having sex first?

    I responded, you date first to see if you are compatible, then you might have sex later if feelings are mutual and a degree of trust has been developed.

    He looked at me like a deer in headlights. As if this was somehow a crazy quantum phenomenon. Am I really that odd? icon_neutral.gif




    Hey, I knew lots of guys like that back in the late 70's. You're not odd, you're just not the same demographic. That's to be expected. Don't worry, I think that being the way you are openly and being out there often attracts similar. Birds of a feather, I do think flock together. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Jun 17, 2011 5:27 AM GMT
    Yeah, that would really bother me. icon_confused.gif
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Jun 18, 2011 3:58 AM GMT
    The fact that gay men specifically have this mentality is exactly the reason I don't jump into bed with them right away. God knows how many sexual partners they have had, not to mention how many they are still sleeping with while dating me.
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    Jun 18, 2011 6:07 AM GMT
    In my younger years I was eager to get someone in the bed. I believed at the time if we slept together they would love me.....so very far from the truth & had my heart crushed & feelings broken many times.

    Now I play "hard to get" so to speak. I make sure they know we are dating & no sex at first. I had a date tonight with a wonderful man. We've been talking/texting for awhile. He came over & we sat on the couch & just talked for 3 hours! It was wonderful & just flowed. Before he left he held my hand , cupped my head in his other hand and gave me one of the most intimate, passionate, loving kisses ive had in a very long time.

    Even though we both wanted each other, we decided to wait until our next date, and now I cant wait to see this beautiful man again.

    Most guys forget about passion & romance, its a shame really because once youve experienced it its like a drug....you'll want it more & more and connect on such a deeper & more intimate level.
  • Smiling_Eyes

    Posts: 197

    Jun 18, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    awm55 saidThe fact that gay men specifically have this mentality is exactly the reason I don't jump into bed with them right away. God knows how many sexual partners they have had, not to mention how many they are still sleeping with while dating me.


    Be who you are! I'm in an open relationship and don't hookup (which confuses men I chat with to no end). For me sex is 100% better once I've gotten to know someone. When I meet someone for a hang out, I'm going to get to know them a bit and not with the expectation of sex.
  • intel11

    Posts: 5

    Jun 20, 2011 10:17 PM GMT
    I totally feel here what you have to say.
    My personal experience is the same, I too follow the same mantra, no sex till I think I have we have a degree of trust and understanding.
    Nothing seems to have worked for me yet, no sex, no boyfriend. Infact, I just started a thread coz I was so perplexed, if this is what everything has been reduced too --> Just sex, and then things beyond that.

    It is a bit frustating, but maybe patience is what is being tested then.

    Sorry all, maybe I am just venting out!
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    Jun 22, 2011 3:52 AM GMT

    You'll be dated and left, perhaps $11.99 shy for the movie and a 20 spot or more for dinner, but mostly unscathed and raring to go again. He'll be hung up dry, left, possibly infected, crying, watching Iron Man and eating his weight in Tyson chicken nuggets (this is what I do whether or not I'm dumped), unable to go certain places in town because so and so disclosed personal things about him to everybody. And so I ask you, if every one in your peer group acted and dressed stupid, would you join them? Of course not, dating is better and the sex is better with dating too. I'm also a very old fashioned guy for my age and it may not make me friends, but I have such a dandy time doing things by the book. It works for me and it pissing off the home boys is just a bonus. Let them eat cake.

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    Jun 30, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    I know I'm somewhat late on this topic but I do see whee you are going OP.
    I'm the same way too. It's kind of an odd mentality I have where I have a hard time having sex when I don't even know the person. I'd much rather date a person and get to know him before I have intercourse. It has to do with the whole "degree" thing. Which is why, like nycam86 said, I also am attracted to somewhat older men because they seem more grounded and want to actually get to know you instead of getting in your pants right away. And also like awm55 said, I'm especially wary of guys who approach me and in my experience, all they wanted was sex and did it bareback style. Who knows what diseases those guys were carrying...

    I'm happy that when I was in school, when it was "Sex awareness" week, the teacher didn't hold back. He showed the STDs and what they look like. Definitely scared the hell out of me and made me more conscious in todays world. lol

    Anyway, you're not odd, there are others who share the same mindset as you, I know I do. And you'll find a guy who respects that as well. Just don't lose hope.
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    Jun 30, 2011 10:03 AM GMT
    I think a date or two before having sex is okay but not more than 2 dates, I have to test drive a car first before I buy it icon_razz.gif For example, I've had sex with guys with tiny dicks and I just didn't enjoy it at all, they were having the best time of their lives and I was like "did you cum yet?' I'll be damned if I wait to have sex after the first ten dates or so just to find out that he sucks in the sack or is ill-equipped.icon_confused.gif
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    Jun 30, 2011 10:06 AM GMT
    Ryvick1212 said He's a good looking guy, but he told me gay guys had started messaging him and the first things they were asking him was if he was a top or a bottom,





    I'm a bottom, why would I ever wanna date a bottom? You have to ask first duh.
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    Jun 30, 2011 10:31 AM GMT
    For those guys that I thought were relationship potential, I would date first, but usually the sex would happen within one month of dating. There is a lot of pressure to have sex quickly in order to see if you are compatible in bed. I have never believed that true love can overcome any problems (including the sexual ones). Sometimes two guys can have a lot in common but be totally incompatible under the sheets (the poster above pointed two of the most common ones).

    The advantage of dating longer before having sex is if you find out you are not compatible, you at least may have found a new friend. It is harder to develop these bonds after just a few weeks of dating.
  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Jun 30, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    It's not just young gay guys. Many straight people (including girls) I know believe this too.
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    Jun 30, 2011 4:02 PM GMT
    I'd well prefer a date first, the issue is finding guys outside of bars icon_razz.gif I'm not at all camp, so it's the only place I really meet other gay guys. And if i'm pulling someone at a bar i'm not going to let up and not have sex on the condition we meet up some other time (unless they suggest it)
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    Jun 30, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    Oh I am very eager to have sex, it's like this undying urge to finally physically connect with someone in the throws of passion. Or some shit like that.

    But I can't with a random person, I'm a virgin...okay I had oral sex once but overall I am a virgin in every other aspect. Of course I want to have sex, but it can't be with just some little fling, it has to be special, because my first time should be amazing...painful and enjoyable.
    I mean, yes, I lead them on thinking we will have sex, but when it comes down to it, I always have an excuse and they fall for it. I know that seems wrong but hey, you have to work to earn something. Yes you are very attractive, yes you like my ass and want to get inside of it, but that's not how it works. You don't go from level one to level 83 in world of war craft, you have to work at it. And that's what I make people do. that's why I've only been in one relationship... sadly.

    I will say that I will give them a dance at the end on the night, and no I'm not a stripper. A dance is equal to the way my body will move in sex, and if you want that experience then you'll have to stick with it for three months.

    Is three months long? ^_^ cause I don't think so.
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    Jun 30, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    Why invest in a potential relationship if you're not sexually compatible? So you can have a fantasy relationship and then cheat when you finally find out that there's no sexual chemistry between the two of you? I'd say sex first, then date later if there's sexual compatibility.