Reconciling a disturbing event!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2011 10:55 AM GMT
    Tomorrow is my moms birthday. Sunday will mark a year since her death.

    Long story short, my stepfather is straight from hell. He and his sister planned a surprise birthday party for her last year. At that point, she was literally on her death bed, she hadn't left her room for almost 2 weeks. When they mentioned the party a month before, I shrugged it off, thought that they would realize what a bad idea that was, and never heard word of it again. I did say "you may wanna ask her". I guess I thought it would consist of a few close friends if it did happen.

    When I came in from work that evening, there were about 30 people there, babies, people I didnt really know and who had never been out to the house the year I spent caring for her. My first thought walking in was "you got to be fucking kidding me". It took me a while to get over the shock. I watched her as she opened stupid gifts, she looked so scared. After getting over my disgust, i finally approached her and gave her a box of her favorite candy. I leaned over and hugged her, looked her in the eye and said "happy birthday mom, I love you". She looked like a deer in a headlight, she said "I love you too". This was the last time I saw her conscient and was our last interaction, in front of 20 people....some I didnt even fucking know. When I came home from work the following day, she was already well into the dying process.

    This is the most tragic stripping of someones dignity that I have ever witnessed and it happened to be my mom. Even a death row inmate is allowed their final meal for a fucking reason.

    I'm just venting, I had to get this off my chest.....
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    Jun 16, 2011 11:51 AM GMT
    Blessings be with you, Kevin.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    My best to you man...

    Talk to her if it helps. She's around you taking good care of you and walking with you in life.

    Take care.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 16, 2011 2:38 PM GMT
    Her life was not about how she died, but how she lived. Last words, while sentimental are not nearly as important as those that you shared with her over the course your lives together.
  • zenny

    Posts: 229

    Jun 16, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear that. icon_sad.gif
    Can't imagine your lost, I am really sorry.
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    Jun 16, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
    You got to tell her you love her one last time. Many people don't get that chance.
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    Jun 16, 2011 3:25 PM GMT
    I am sorry to hear that things happened the way they did. Some people can be so insensitive even with the best intentions.

    Your mom is at peace now and I hope you'll find peace too.
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    Jun 16, 2011 3:26 PM GMT
    The last thing you guys said to each other was I love you. Speaking from experience that's much more of a happy ending than a lot of us will ever get. Sometimes situations can be a microcosm for an entire life. I think what this situation represents is that in a world full of strangers, you and your mom were the closest of friends. I'm sure she understands that, and that's what counts.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Jun 16, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    Wow, I almost got tears in my eyes when you relayed that. I definitely had an emotional reaction. I lost my mother when I was 24, so I can only imagine.

    First, let me say I'm very sorry for your loss, deeply sorry. This time of year you will never forget for the rest of your life. My question, are you sure your mother really didn't want the party? Maybe your stepfather thought seeing people your mother knew and liked on her birthday might be
    uplifting to her and don't know enough about the situation... did all of you know whe was about to die?

    I must say, having that "alone time" with your parent, grandparent (if close) or other family member is very important and something very gratifying.
    Very sorry you had to spend it in that way. Being alone with your mother would have meant so much more.

    So how is it with your stepfather these days or should I ask that?
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    Jun 16, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    The moment you shared with your mom was the most sacred experience you had and I'm happy it happened.

    Most people have absolutely no clue when they are being inconsiderate, insensitive, crass, selfish, narrow minded and unkind. Few people take the time to be a little introspective about how they relate to the world.

    Even fewer can recognize or appreciate integrity and grace in a person and often mistake those qualities for weaknesses.

    Ignorance is bliss. Let em' eat cake and be happy spending hours with the TV remote..

    Treasure the moment you had with mom. It will comfort you in life when the world seems oblivious to goodness.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2011 5:43 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies.....writing it down helped get it out.

    I left a 10.5 year relationship on the rocks and moved straight home to take care of her, 1 month after finding out she was not eligible for a lung transplant. Over the course of 11months, she went from 4l of oxygen by Nasal cannula to having 2 concentrators delivering 20l of oxygen by nasal cannula and needing a face mask in addition that delivered 100% oxygen to walk down the hall. There was never a moments rest, a way to get away from it as the concentrators were very loud, like a generator, and her coughing was persistent. For anyone not in the medical field, most people would be on a ventilator that required the amount of oxygen she was consuming.

    The morning she passed she was trying to get out of bed when she just slumped over. I lifted her back into the bed. I just laid there hugging her with my head over her heart as she took her last breath. I didn't cry, I was just happy she wasn't suffering anymore. I was at complete peace.

    Things don't always turn out like you want them to, but I did the BEST I could do and have absolutely no regrets. In a way, that entire experience made me a stronger human being today, for that, sheer gratitude..

    As for my stepdad, lord, that's a long story. Needless to say, I have a court date on July 5th. His actions after her death were horrible and now I'm left with holding him accountable. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm man enough to handle the story I just told.....I'm man enough to handle ANYTHING!!! It's been a bumpy year, but, I'm completely dialed in and present!!