A Fathers Day Note

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    Jun 17, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    A Father’s Day Note by RickyJay
    Standing in the “Fathers Day Card” isle yesterday was intended to be a quick in-and-out chore, that turned into an adventure of deep thought. While glancing through the cards I began to carefully read each one. “Thanks for being there dad……” “Thanks for being a good Listener……” “Thanks for me always counting on you…..”, “Thanks for keeping your promises and never turning your back….” I stood in the Isle, carefully reading each and every card and I thought, none of the cards are right. Why can’t I just get a card that say’s, “Happy Fathers day dad, Talk to you next year when this day rolls around again”, “Happy Fathers day dad, I know we don’t talk, but you are my dad so I feel obligated to get you this card and hope it means something to you”, “Happy Fathers day dad, I know nothing about you and you know nothing about me, so let’s call this what it is and have a good day!”
    I finally found a card after 30 minutes of searching and reading and decided to call it a night. It wasn’t until I got to my boyfriend’s house that I began to ponder what had just happened. I harped on my boyfriend because he forgot to get his dad a card. It wasn’t until then I realized I was envious. I was envious of the fact that his dad listens to him, talks with him, calls him just to say hello. I made it a point to make sure he sends his dad a card just so he can have something to open on Father’s Day. I realized I did that because I wanted his dad to see what a beautiful son he has, thoughtful, caring, loving, and maybe just maybe, I can get some joy out of his situation and somehow feel the same.
    I forgave my Father a few years ago for emotionally cutting himself off from me for reasons unknown. And I forgave myself. Until last Father’s day 2010, he finally apologized and realized his mistakes. I respected him for what he said that day at the Olive Garden. He made a promise to me to be in my life once more and “get to know each other” once again. Father’s Day 2011 and I have spoken to him a handful of 2 or 3 times. Broken promises once more.
    Yesterday was my dad’s birthday. I called him, left him a message as he did not pick up his phone. Told him I loved him and to have a great birthday and I will see him on Father’s Day. Not one returned phone call, no call to say “Can’t wait to see you”. No call to say he loves me also. Although I Forgave my father many years ago, I can’t help but have hope each time I reach out or each time a promise is made.
    At 30 years old, a Man, no longer a boy, I wonder how he holds his pen. How he talks to people. What he thinks. What his hands look like, his eyes, his brows and even his wrinkles. On the few times I see him I try to take a snapshot of what he looks like. As I know one day 50% of me will look like him. I stare at his hands a lot. One Father’s day when I was 25 I saw him and had dinner with him and looked at his hands and realized, both mine and his were the same. I wonder if he sees me and sees himself when he was 30. I wonder…….
    Appreciate your dad for who he is. Make sure you forgive him, then forgive yourself for any anger or resentment you have. Always say how you feel because we are here today, but we are never promised tomorrow. I still have hope that one day he will come around…….
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    Jun 17, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    ah shit. forgot!
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    Jun 17, 2011 4:40 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing. My dad's not perfect but he has done the best he can and I love him. I usually see him a couple times a week as he lives less than two miles away. I'd have a hard time, though, dealing with a dad as emotionally distant as yours seems to be. The good news is that you don't seem to have inherited that trait and seem to be a warm and caring person. Hugs.
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    Jun 17, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    I have a pretty shitty relationship with my dad too... these kinds of holidays just piss me off. He wants virtually nothing to do with me 363 days of the year, but when his birthday/Fathers' Day roll around, he flips 10 different kinds of fucks if I'm not acting as his personal slave, complying with his every beck and call. And I'm not allowed to argue with him, no matter how irrational and batshit insane his verbal diarrhea gets throughout the day (he's a little not right in the head).

    I can deal with it for his birthday because it's his birthday and it's only once a year. However, having to put up with his shit a second time for a worthless fucking Hallmark Holiday kills me.

    It's just more stress that I don't need.

    RickyJay said“Happy Fathers day dad, I know we don’t talk, but you are my dad so I feel obligated to get you this card and hope it means something to you”

    I wish that card existed. I'm going to start a line of brutally honest holiday cards and resolve this dilemma.
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    Jun 17, 2011 5:07 PM GMT
    My dad died a few years ago, so this is a sad day for me.

    But since I am a Daddy, I try my best to extend Mega Hairy Muscle Hugs to all the daddies I know, leather, muscle, I don't discriminate.
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    Jun 17, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    Man, what a though situation! I really feel for you and hope that you can find some peace. Thanks for sharing, makes me realize my good fortune and that I should be more proactive in cultivating the relationship I have with my dad.. All the best to you.
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    Jun 17, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
    Sadly my dad passed away on a Friday the 13th in 2006. Father's day is kind of bittersweet for me, I always phoned him and we would talk about sports, the books we were reading, etc.. Appreciate your dad while you can.
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    Jun 17, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    Wow, what an amazing and well written posting. As a dad, I'd take you any day. I have 3 great kids and I try hard to continually be in their lives. I do hope they appreciate it. I'm not much for these Hallmark holidays, prefer a call or visit spontaneously throughout the year instead. I don't always get a card or a gift but they never hesitate to tell me they love me when they see me. I'll take that any day.

    My dad died a few years ago so I no longer have anyone to call. You're an amazing guy to feel so deeply of your dad. He truly doesn't know what he's missing. It's always sad when finding the right card is such a chore. None of us is perfect but when someone reaches out, what a mistake not to reach back and begin to build a bridge to a new and improved relationship.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Very touching and very well spoken. If you're ever deciding to look for a new dad, let me know! icon_biggrin.gif
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jun 18, 2011 12:00 AM GMT
    beautiful post and thanks for sharing some of your most inner thoughts
    even at 60 i so wish i st ill had my dad....lost in in 1985
  • TrentGrad

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    Jun 18, 2011 12:16 AM GMT
    I gotta admit, I really don't see the beauty in the posting. I mean, I see hope...and I think it's well written...but I also see a failure to acknowledge that a Father, like ourselves, for the most part does the best he can.

    We sometimes view our Fathers as failures for failing to accept us when we come out as gay. We think our being gay is all about ourselves...and in reality, it is.

    However what we fail to see is that in our Fathers' generations, the prevailing view was that homosexuality was a choice, and so many Fathers likely believed that their sons' homosexuality had to do with their failings as a man and role model. And it likely wounds them deeply everytime they think about it.

    My Dad has done a lot in my life which led me to believe that much as he loved me for being his son, he never "liked" me as a person. I've seen in him an attempt to cultivate our relationship for the past couple of years...although I do feel somewhat wounded by the history.

    However having said this, we should never have to remind ourselves to forgive our Fathers...and the fact that so many seem to think we need to be reminded of this tells me that we are failing our Fathers as much or more than they have failed us.

    Love and respect your Dad, and put your bullshit behind you. He may or may not be able to show you the same affection...but regardless, without him, there would never have been a YOU. And understand...your Father...is the byproduct of both his environment, and the society he grew up in.

    The world changes, and you may not see it, but chances are he busted his ass everyday to give you everything he never had...because that's the lot in life for Dads: to try to improve the lives of their children vs their own lives.
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    Jun 18, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for all feedback. This was just my story and maybe some men out there felt the same standing in the card Isle. Im hoping that no one loses hope for Fathers who are emotionally cut off. Thats all. My dad is my dad and I love him for who he is. We all make mistakes. Ive made plenty. This was just a post for the universe to see and hear my feelings.
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    Jun 18, 2011 4:19 AM GMT
    I just don't get along with mine.
    Part of me doesn't ever want to get along with him.
    We are from two different planets.
    I cannot and would not ever like to have a conversation with him, I don't believe in anything he believes in.
    I strive every day to be the opposite of what he is.
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    Jun 18, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    CHIDUDE

    Dont run away from it, embrace it. Try to understand what you dont like about it, and strive for what makes you happy. Embrace yourself. I use to think me and my dad were total opposite until I realized he is half of me. And I smiled. My dad is vain, as am I. Hes charming, funny, and a friend to all. I looked at his good traits and forgave him for his bad traits. He is stil a part of you no matter how you look at it. So why not embrace the best and change the worst. Im sure you have his best traits.....Keep smiling...
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    Jun 18, 2011 4:31 AM GMT
    My Dad died this past year.

    Never got a chance to reconcile with him. I regret the chance to tell him how I felt and at least let him know he really wasn't the best dad ever.

    I hope as a dad myself that I would make more effort than he did and that if my kid came to me and made the effort to have a relationship, I would at least meet him halfway.

    I also think we who are in our mid forties could be dads to some young guys who might not have one they can count on.

    I'd do that for someone and NO, I don't mean in some kind of older younger gay porn way.
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    Jun 18, 2011 4:56 AM GMT
    RickyJay saidThanks everyone for all feedback. This was just my story and maybe some men out there felt the same standing in the card Isle. Im hoping that no one loses hope for Fathers who are emotionally cut off. Thats all. My dad is my dad and I love him for who he is. We all make mistakes. Ive made plenty. This was just a post for the universe to see and hear my feelings.

    At least you apparently still have a Father. My Father & Mother are long gone, and I miss them very much. I wish I could have them here with me now. I'd show them what I've been up to, and ask their advice about a thousand things.

    I fought with them horribly at times, with my Father especially. I think many sons do, in a way kinda normal. But what saved our relationship was my Army career, which got me out of the house at age 20. And as I advanced in rank, even becoming an Officer, he began to respect me, for the first time in my life.

    Because what I didn't know then was that he hated me for being gay, but my Army career sorta vindicated me in his eyes, having served in uniform in WWII himself (and every generation of males in my family since 1600s American Colonial times, to include my oldest son today, in the USAF, an unbroken line of military service that may be almost unmatched in this country).

    And when he had his first heart attack in his 80s, right here in Florida, I immediately flew down from Seattle to be with him. I only had 6 more weeks with him, during which he had 5 more heart attacks. (He was a fucking tough old bird!)

    Three times I revived him myself at home, another heart attack was at the hospital, me arriving just as the "crash" cart was being wheeled out of his room. You wanna know how much things like that age you? No, actually you don't, I hope no one ever has to endure that trauma.

    (Though it did prompt from him one of the nicest things he ever said to me when he returned home after one of those attacks. "Bob, you were so calm when you worked on me, and called 911. You were so professional on the phone, you didn't panic at all. t didn't know you could do that."

    "Well, Dad, I was an Army Colonel, after all. What do you think we were trained to do?" He was a hard man who never complimented me for anything. I left his bedroom and cried for quite a while.)

    His sixth & final heart attack happened in the middle of the night. I was sleeping unawares in another bedroom, as was my sister, and we failed to save him that time. I found him on the floor when he didn't appear for breakfast, and wouldn't let my sister see him, not a pretty sight.

    But at least I had those last 6 weeks with him, caring for him, serving him his meals, just sitting and talking. I got closer to my Father than I had been in my previous 48 years. And now I remember him with love. Perhaps something like that will happen to some of you, despite the inevitable battles that fathers & sons have.
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    Jun 18, 2011 5:18 AM GMT
    ART_DECO

    Thanks for sharing.

    Most Beautiful.


    Thanks everyone for both positive and negative feedback
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    Jun 18, 2011 5:23 AM GMT
    I can completely sympathize with your whole post! Even though there is so much bad blood between my father & I; I try to be the better man, call/text him sometimes & tell him I love him. I give him bday/fathers day gifts but my heart really isnt in it. I try to be the man that I wish he wouldve been with me while growing up.

    Raising my 3 kids I make sure I tell them all the time how much I love, and appreciate them. I tell them all the time how proud I am of them because all my life im still waiting to hear it from my dad and I know how painful it is to feel like a dissappointment to him.

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    Jun 18, 2011 5:30 AM GMT
    REDBULL


    thanks for sharing.

    most appreciated